REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

cherrie · 01-21-2009, 01:47 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, everything is good, got through all the drama in the first year. So the other day I was being insecure and asked "do you love me?" and he said "I think so, if I don't love you I wouldn't be with you....but right now it feels to me like I've gotten really use to you and the flame has sorta died"When I heard that I don't know if it was a good or bad thing. So pretty much when I asked him for clarity he told me that he's with me because he's gotten so use to me that I've become part of his life but he isn't sure if it's "love".

So tell me......is that suppose to be a good or a bad thing?
Do guys stay with you for reasons other than love.....such as for comfort, for sex....etc...?

And another question......for those of you who do have a SO, how does it feel for you....does it always feel like the person you are with is the right person?

stewie · 01-21-2009, 01:51 PM

been there before, if the flames died out...then yeah, usually just stickign around cause it feels like its normal....try to spice things back up a bit! get that flame burning again! go on some romantic dates, dress up, make yourself look amazing, make him remember why he was with you in the first place!

if that dont work, then it might be easier to go your seperate ways instead of staying together cause your used to it..

kanachan · 01-21-2009, 02:01 PM

Watch out, you guys might fall into that after honeymoon stage if he gets too used to you.

Remember to spice up relationship sometimes, like going to an event together or trying something new (ex: camping, roadtrip...)

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

Do guys stay with you for reasons other than love.....such as for comfort, for sex....etc...?

It's not just guys, girls do too. Look at Samantha in "Sex and the City", she's stayed in brief relationships for the sex only.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

And another question......for those of you who do have a SO, how does it feel for you....does it always feel like the person you are with is the right person?

Fortunately for me, I've left a relationship which didn't feel right, and now I've found someone who I enjoy being with.

Don't stand on those indecisive feelings for long, it'll only sway your judgment and cause mistrust in your relationship. In time, it'll just lead to disaster. So remember to keep an open mind and have that tunnel vision at bay.

^ My 2 cents, hope it helps in one way or another

vmec · 01-21-2009, 02:13 PM

It's a bad thing for the most part. I know there's a comfort level that we all experience but when that comfort level is not sure about the love it's a problem.

I've been there before but this was 5 years in. I stayed out of comfort, it was easy to stay, I was scared to build a life single, scared to be without sex, scared to find love and the rest of it but that's not to say I was happy and in love with him throughout that.

This is not to say you're doomed. I had these feelings 3 years in and we worked on it constantly. I did things for him, and he did the same. Things would improve but eventually we both gave in to our lazy, comfortable ways... and it ended.

2 years in I couldn't be happier. I'm used to him and comfrotable but not so much so that I stop working hard to keep things fun and exciting. He works too I'm sure. And every now and again I might doubt my relationship but this time around I'm entirely sure this one is right. Because I'm so positive I know what wrong feels like.

RacePace · 01-21-2009, 02:16 PM

Do you see a future with him?

cherrie · 01-21-2009, 02:22 PM

^ I do see a future with him and I thought everything was fine......but what he said really made me kinda uncomfortable

Thanks for the replies,
hmmm well I asked him what he felt about it and he said it's a good thing.....I don't know if I feel the same about that though

Berzerker · 01-21-2009, 02:42 PM

Well for starters... You shouldn't have asked him if he loves you. If you feel the need to ask.. because you really don't know the answer.. then the answer should be obvious.

When you did ask though.. his answer was a typical manswer. He probably had a bunch of things going through his mind when you asked that. He took the "safest" answer. The best answer to that question however would have been something like "Of course I do, why do you ask?" and then turn it back around on you with "Do you feel like I love you?"

I've thought I've been love before but realized after that I was just comfortable. Comfort is almost sometimes stronger than Love and will make relationships last a lot longer then they ever should have.

Berz out.

Noir · 01-21-2009, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Berzerker

Well for starters... You shouldn't have asked him if he loves you.

Seriously, +1.

Also, you can't just think too much on verbage alone. Sometimes we guys aren't so good with words on the spot. So we say something that makes sense to us but totally comes across different. Trust me, we fumble with words a lot of the times, especially when it comes to conversations about feelings. It's just not the type of convo we're savvy about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

^ I do see a future with him and I thought everything was fine......but what he said really made me kinda uncomfortable

Thanks for the replies,
hmmm well I asked him what he felt about it and he said it's a good thing.....I don't know if I feel the same about that though

I think you just misunderstood. If there's always a discrepancy with words, judge the person by his actions or behavior. I doubt you two or so out of tune with each other that you can't be able to read each other's vibes whether everything is still in the good or not.

BoneThug · 01-21-2009, 04:42 PM

depends on the guy. realistically, a lot of guys see the time they have put into you as an investment of their time. to leave now would make the past year a complete and utter waste of his time and money. guys are just logical like that. It doesnt mean that he doesnt like you, but he probably does not love you. Honestly, that should be enough for you. to stay, and drop the topic of conversation i mean. not to leave. but you will probably leave.

kudos for him getting to a year and a bit. most people get a a few months before having to dodge or confront that conversation.

and to answer the other question yes lots of guys stay for other reasons. if the only reason i was with a girl was because of affection id know its time to leave.

4444 · 01-21-2009, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, everything is good, got through all the drama in the first year. So the other day I was being insecure and asked "do you love me?" and he said "I think so, if I don't love you I wouldn't be with you....but right now it feels to me like I've gotten really use to you and the flame has sorta died"When I heard that I don't know if it was a good or bad thing. So pretty much when I asked him for clarity he told me that he's with me because he's gotten so use to me that I've become part of his life but he isn't sure if it's "love".

So tell me......is that suppose to be a good or a bad thing?
Do guys stay with you for reasons other than love.....such as for comfort, for sex....etc...?

And another question......for those of you who do have a SO, how does it feel for you....does it always feel like the person you are with is the right person?

it's USED not use, you get used to someone, you get use out of someone

spelling mistake - ok,
honger mistake - you deserve to have no love.

ps. you have no love, if he didn't respond that he loves you - he doesn't love you, no matter how good or bad of a mood he is in/in an arguement, etc

danlee78 · 01-21-2009, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

So tell me......is that suppose to be a good or a bad thing?

"I think so," In my opinion isn't a good thing. That would mean that he had no idea what to really say and the first thing that came to mind was I think so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

Do guys stay with you for reasons other than love.....such as for comfort, for sex....etc...?

Of course, there are tons of reasons why guys would stick around, comfort, booty call, sex, money, etc...

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherrie

And another question......for those of you who do have a SO, how does it feel for you....does it always feel like the person you are with is the right person?

It can't always feel like you are with the right person because that would just be weird...you have to test the waters first and then take a dive. If you don't feel good, why would you even go for a dip in the pool

muteki · 01-21-2009, 11:46 PM

Sounds like he's unsure about it, some people are together just because of the convenience and they're too used to it.
Especially if you were together for a LONG time, some may view it was a waste of time if they have invested too much into the relationship and they just stick around.
I found myself in a relationship like that not too long ago, it was convenient, but in reality it wasn't a relationship built on love or anything of the sort. It was more of a friendship if anything. I decided to leave rather than stick around just for convenience though, I would've felt too guilty using someone just for comfort, or whatever.

miss_crayon · 01-22-2009, 12:53 AM

i can understand how you're feeling. a couple years ago, i asked my ex along the same thing you asked. then he freaked out at me and said "this is the reason why i doubt my feelings for you sometimes. don't be so insecure!"

now, it wasn't like i was being a whiny bitch about it, i too was just wanting some lovey dovey girl moment but instead he harsh hurt my feelings by saying something that was so rude and made me feel so small. it was almost as if he was threatening me that if i asked him again he would possibly dump my ass. i cant believe i put up with the shit he put me through. i knew he treated me unwell, but i stayed anyways because i thought i'd never meet anyone that made me feel like the way he did (in the beginning), and i DID feel comfort knowing i had him.

but hey what do you know, i did meet lots of great guys after him and i am comfortable with myself to know that i don't deserve anything less than the best.

BoneThug · 01-22-2009, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss_crayon

i can understand how you're feeling. a couple years ago, i asked my ex along the same thing you asked. then he freaked out at me and said "this is the reason why i doubt my feelings for you sometimes. don't be so insecure!"

now, it wasn't like i was being a whiny bitch about it, i too was just wanting some lovey dovey girl moment but instead he harsh hurt my feelings by saying something that was so rude and made me feel so small. it was almost as if he was threatening me that if i asked him again he would possibly dump my ass. i cant believe i put up with the shit he put me through. i knew he treated me unwell, but i stayed anyways because i thought i'd never meet anyone that made me feel like the way he did (in the beginning), and i DID feel comfort knowing i had him.

but hey what do you know, i did meet lots of great guys after him and i am comfortable with myself to know that i don't deserve anything less than the best.

wait so you're saying he should have lied to you? you put him on the spot and thats unfair. and he never said he'd break up with you if you asked again, you just inferred it.

The7even · 01-23-2009, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoneThug

wait so you're saying he should have lied to you? you put him on the spot and thats unfair. and he never said he'd break up with you if you asked again, you just inferred it.

Um how about no?

He should have no problem telling her he loves her.. he said what he said because he didn't love her. What shes saying is that she wasted time with someone that didn't feel the same.

It's quite simple, I don't understand people who act like they love you, say things that imply such a notion, do things that imply that as well and even sometimes tell you they love you and then out of the blue go ahead and say "I don't know, I guess I do" when asked.

Those are the real pussies.

Edit: He already did lie to her, thats the fucking problem here.

BoneThug · 01-23-2009, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The7even

Um how about no?

He should have no problem telling her he loves her.. he said what he said because he didn't love her. What shes saying is that she wasted time with someone that didn't feel the same.

It's quite simple, I don't understand people who act like they love you, say things that imply such a notion, do things that imply that as well and even sometimes tell you they love you and then out of the blue go ahead and say "I don't know, I guess I do" when asked.

Those are the real pussies.

Edit: He already did lie to her, thats the fucking problem here.

i still dont get it though. just cause he doesnt love her doesnt mean he doesnt care about her. its just a word after all. if she feels its a waste of time then thats more her problem but i still dont see what the guy did wrong. sounds like a nice normal guy. i mean i wasnt there so i obviously dont know, but from what was posted i dont see what the big deal is.

InvisibleSoul · 01-23-2009, 06:22 PM

The "flame" isn't something that lasts forever. It's the main thing that gets people together into a relationship, but it's not what keeps them together. In order to have a long lasting relationship, you need to want to be together even after the flame has gone away... and if that's the case, that's perfectly fine and normal.

michimaro · 01-24-2009, 11:40 AM

I was also guilty of once staying in a relationship for a lot of the reasons mentioned above. Looking back it could have been over after 3 years but we dragged it on for another year and a half because I think a large part of it was cause we were afraid of being alone/starting over.

In terms of "comfort" I think there's good and bad aspects to it. You can be comfortable with your bf/gf to the point where you two can talk about everything and not worry that the other person will judge you (GOOD) or comfortable as in you two are just together for the sake of having someone and not being alone.

The7even · 01-25-2009, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoneThug

i still dont get it though. just cause he doesnt love her doesnt mean he doesnt care about her. its just a word after all. if she feels its a waste of time then thats more her problem but i still dont see what the guy did wrong. sounds like a nice normal guy. i mean i wasnt there so i obviously dont know, but from what was posted i dont see what the big deal is.

It's not just a word man.
Say what you mean and mean what you say, that's how it should be.

I guess I understand your POV, but he did lead her on from what I've gathered so far.

BoneThug · 01-25-2009, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The7even

It's not just a word man.
Say what you mean and mean what you say, that's how it should be.

I guess I understand your POV, but he did lead her on from what I've gathered so far.

i dont mean to drag it out, and if its getting annoying dont respond i dont have anything invested in this, but im just saying, from what i read, he never said he loved her. so where does 'say what you mean mean what you say' come in? he did say he doesnt love her. he meant it. he didnt lie or lead her on.

i guess it jsut frustrates me as a guy. its wack when situations like this come up and in the guys head, everything is cool, he hasn't done anything wrong and nothing changed from yesterday. but for the girl, in her mind they just broke up and its just a matter of time before its vocalized and the guy is left going ".....uuhhhh what just happened?"

Sodium · 01-26-2009, 12:08 PM

I think the good part out of this is that at least you guys are starting to talk about it. Instead of being worried about it....I'm sure the love is still here. It's just hiding somewhere underneath all the routine stuff you guys do together.

So instead of threatening him or making him feel uncomfortable with questions like "do you still love me" or "why aren't we like we used to be" blah blah blah......ask him what he thinks of the relationship at this point....what are some of the fun stuff you guys did before that you would like to do again....what are some stuff that you guys always wanted to do but was too lazy/forgot about.

BallPeenHammer · 01-28-2009, 11:19 AM

i was with a girl for 3 years. My "flame" never died.
there were struggles, but there was never a bit of doubt in my mind or a "maybe"
when it came to my love for her.

Try to spice it up a bit. Reflect on yourself too on if you've fallen off the wagon in terms of goals, appearance, etc.

Otherwise, I'd prepare for the breakup.

Good Luck