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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 03-28-2010, 11:43 PM   #251
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Why are black people so fast?

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Old 03-29-2010, 12:07 AM   #252
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it's an old joke. not all jokes are flawless, especially short ones.

besides, if I see my parents 52" floating around in the middle of the night, I'm not gonna say a damn thing, even though it's light compared to a 52" CRT
thats cuz u cant see black people in the night
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:12 AM   #253
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Why are black people so black?

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Old 03-29-2010, 12:13 AM   #254
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^LOL so dumb its funny

+1 would read again
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:16 AM   #255
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Why should you date an ethiopian woman?

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Old 03-29-2010, 12:31 AM   #256
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What do u call a boy band from haiti ??



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Old 03-29-2010, 01:00 AM   #257
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^LOL so dumb its funny

+1 would read again
on that note...

How are a grape and an elephant similar?

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What's green and smells like red paint?

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Old 03-29-2010, 01:05 AM   #258
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Why is Mexico so bad at sports?

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Old 03-29-2010, 01:07 AM   #259
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What's better than winning gold at the paralympics?


.. Not being retarted
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Old 03-29-2010, 01:56 AM   #260
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How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag?
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Why are aspirins white?
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Whats long smells and smells like rabbit shit?
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Yo mama is so black she went to night school and got marked absent.
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:33 PM   #261
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Why do women buy watches when there’s a clock on the oven?
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Old 03-30-2010, 12:10 AM   #262
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Why do women buy watches when there’s a clock on the oven?
lol awesome
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Old 03-30-2010, 01:05 AM   #263
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What's better than winning gold at the paralympics?


.. Not being retarted
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Paralympics?????

You mean, Special Olympics.
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Old 03-30-2010, 04:17 PM   #264
WOAH! i think Vtec just kicked in!
 
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Wife was helping her husband set up a password for his computer, so the husband types MYPENIS - the wife fell off her chair laughing when computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED: NOT LONG ENOUGH
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:01 PM   #265
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on that note...

How are a grape and an elephant similar?

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-----------------

What's green and smells like red paint?

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LOL A+++
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:05 PM   #266
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One day, Johnny went to a gun shop to purchase a gun.

J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:18 PM   #267
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whiteboards are remarkable
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Old 03-31-2010, 12:09 PM   #268
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me and my friend were fighting over which is the best vowel.

I won.
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Old 03-31-2010, 03:34 PM   #269
WOAH! i think Vtec just kicked in!
 
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Why does jesus not play hockey?




Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards.
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Old 04-04-2010, 11:17 PM   #270
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
--------------------------------------------

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
-----------------------------------------------------------

What did the egg say to the hot water?

Its gonna take a while for me to get hard cause I just got laid by that chick.
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Old 04-06-2010, 05:15 PM   #271
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What do you call a big group of brown people running in a circle?

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Old 04-07-2010, 04:46 PM   #272
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MALE PHILOSOPHY


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin - they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Women inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer is "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it and 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted a 'wife wanted' ad in the classifieds. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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can we stop, my pussy hurts...
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fliptuner, I am gonna grab ur dick and pee in your face, then rub shit all over my face...:lol
Originally posted by Fei-Ji
haha i can taste the cum in my mouth
Originally posted by FastAnna
when I was 13 I wanted to be a video hoe so bad


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Old 04-11-2010, 06:30 PM   #273
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, " Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel; this is the promised land."

Now BUSH has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

FIXED

Last edited by distanc3; 04-11-2010 at 11:16 PM.
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Old 04-11-2010, 07:09 PM   #274
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Why do Jews have such big noses?

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Old 04-11-2010, 10:12 PM   #275
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, " Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel; this is the promised land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
wasnt that what BUSH did LOL
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