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Old 06-16-2010, 04:04 PM   #351
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Old 06-25-2010, 09:58 PM   #352
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Old 07-05-2010, 07:50 PM   #353
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Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

"That was the demo," replied God.
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Old 07-05-2010, 08:33 PM   #354
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Old 07-09-2010, 04:50 PM   #355
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New Gov't Programs

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, The Govt. of Canada has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Govt. to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Govt. deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Govt.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Govt. has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:00 PM   #356
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:01 PM   #357
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Who's there?
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:02 PM   #358
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:28 PM   #359
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:47 PM   #360
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Boo who? LOOOOL
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:49 PM   #361
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:52 PM   #362
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:56 PM   #363
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Old 07-09-2010, 06:12 PM   #364
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Old 07-09-2010, 06:15 PM   #365
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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big…….I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the Barbecue grill.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right………your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?”
================================================== ==========



Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, “Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?”

“Can you touch your butt with your penis?”

“No,” replies Little Johnny.

“Then, you’re not big enough,” explains the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.

Little Johnny then asks, “Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?”

“Can you touch your asshole with your penis?”

“No,” says Little Johnny.

“Then, you’re not old enough.”

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, “They look good, can I have one of your cookies?”

“Can you touch your asshole with your penis?”

“I most certainly can!” says the grandfather proudly.

“Then go fuck yourself… these are my cookies!”
==================================================



Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two women & take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The 1st dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again! One, two, three, uh,” all night long.

In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st “How did it go?”

The 1st mutters “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”

The 2nd dwarf shook his head & says “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.”
=============================================



One day , at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”
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Old 07-10-2010, 01:53 AM   #366
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Old 07-11-2010, 09:17 PM   #367
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Mike was going to be married to Susan so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, “These are too big. I can't wear them.”

“I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.”

“Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Susan, “Here, try these on.”

She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don't fit me.”

Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.”

Then Susan took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine.”

Mike did and said, “I can't get into your panties.”

Susan said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will..."
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Old 07-11-2010, 10:09 PM   #368
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One day Little Jonny went to the zoo with his mom. It just so happens that there were two monkeys having sex and Little Jonny pointed at the monkeys and asked him mom "Mommy, Mommy, what are they doing"? Perplexed, she replied "Hmm, they're making cakes".

Satisfied with the answer, Little Jonny proceeds to the next exhibit where he sees some elephants having sex. Little Jonny once again yells "Mommy, Mommy, what are they doing"? His mom quickly replies "They're making cakes". Little Jonny once again is satisfied with the response and goes about his way.

The very next morning, Little Jonny goes up to his mom and asks "Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes last night"? Shocked, his mom replies "Yes, Little Jonny, we were. How did you know?

Little Jonny replies "I licked the icing off the couch."
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Old 07-11-2010, 10:35 PM   #369
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Old 07-12-2010, 11:43 AM   #370
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
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Old 07-15-2010, 08:39 PM   #371
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in the divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy?'
Mickey replied, 'No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy.'
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:41 PM   #372
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A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer. Her husband put 'mypenis' and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause it said, "Error. Not long enough."
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Old 07-20-2010, 07:42 AM   #373
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^this joke is so plain yet i burst out laughing
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Old 07-20-2010, 08:00 AM   #374
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how many guys does it take to ope a beer?






none because it should be open when she hands it to you
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:40 AM   #375
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A canadian, an american and a brown guy went to a bar. When the american finished his beer, he threw his glass up and shot it. The canadian and the brown guy was like, why did you shoot your glass? the american said "Back in my country, we have lots of factories that makes glasses just like those." Then, when the brown guy finished his beer, he threw his glass up and shot it. The canadian and the american asked why he did so and he said " well back in my country we have a lot of sand and making glass is easy." Then, when the canadian guy finished his beer, he threw his glass up and shot the brown guy. The american asked "why did you shoot him?" And he said, "Well back in my country we have tons of brown people."
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