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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 08-20-2010, 08:55 PM   #401
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Husband comes home to find his wife watching the food channel. He asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook." She responds "And? you watch porn and still can't fuck."
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Old 08-21-2010, 12:02 PM   #402
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Old 08-23-2010, 06:11 PM   #403
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Question: What does a rich pirate drive?

Answer: A GT-Arrrrrrrrrr
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Old 08-23-2010, 06:14 PM   #404
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On the PA system:
'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'



A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:37 PM   #405
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Dad:Wow prices are going up everywhere! I be glad to see one thing go down!
Son:Well heres my report card.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

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"I didn't do it" ...
"Then why are you laughing?" ...
"Cause, whoever did it is a freaking genius."
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Old 08-27-2010, 04:45 PM   #406
14 dolla balla aint got nothing on me!
 
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A man goes home to his wife and asks, "what would you do if i won the lottery?" and wife says, "I'd take half of it and leave your sorry ass." The husband goes "good, I won 12$, here's 6, now get the fuck out"
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:01 AM   #407
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A man and a Japanese woman are doing 69 when suddenly the woman farts in his face. The man asks "what'd you do that for?!" and the woman replies "OOO, you make front hole so happy, back hole blow you kiss!"
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Old 08-28-2010, 09:13 AM   #408
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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Paying for sex? Isn't that was dating is? :trollface.jpg:
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my rule of thumb when picking between 2 or more girls .. always go with the one with bigger boobs
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Old 08-30-2010, 01:48 PM   #409
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wanna hear a joke?

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who are you planning to spend the rest of your life with? your sister or girlfriend?
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I sold my Yaris 5 years ago, and seriously, IT IS better than your shit box civics. The mods I have for that car is probably worth more than your whole self-worth.
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After spending some time reading through this thread, I now know how to give a killer blowjob. Thanks revscene.

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Old 08-30-2010, 01:50 PM   #410
I'll be good I promise.
 
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^That was pretty lame.
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Old 08-30-2010, 08:47 PM   #411
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Nut House In a mental institution...... a nurse walks into a room and sees a
patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie
what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes
him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's
room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie,
how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied
the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into
Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With
surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?" Bob says, "I'm screwing
Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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It's not the steroids that makes the champion but it's hard training .. dedication, the diet and sacrifice and genetics that person has.. what makes the champion.
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Old 09-05-2010, 12:28 AM   #412
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I want to say something before this whole thing gets out of control. In 1967, in the hot desert sun, a woman gave birth to a boy in the back of old pick up. She was a whore. She left the boy at a local church. The father at the church didn?t like children, but he knew that being a disciple of the bible he couldn?t possibly not take the small kid. Instead he ended up taking out his frustration on the boy. At the age of three, the boy was forced to use the toilet. Let me tell you the little fell into his own pile of poop more than once. By the age of 5, the boy the boy was reading the bible and chopping wood for the fire. Despite the father?s harsh character, the boy loved him and thought of him as his true father. By the age of seven the father raped him three times. The boy ran away. He survived four days in the desert by eating cactus and scorpions. He was finally found by a drug cartel boss, who took the boy in. Mr. Sanchez was his name, and he was immediately impressed by the boys intelligence and grown up attitude. Mr. Sanchez provided the boy with an education at a private prep school and a nice house. The boy had sex for the first time when he was 12, the next year he graduated high school. He was the school?s star running back. The boy was lost, although he liked Mr. Sanchez, he never thought of him as his father. The boy went to India, were he became a spiritual leader of a large tribe of farmers. With his power he turned the several plots that each tribe member had into a large corporate farm and became a millionaire. His assets grew as he bought into other successful start ups. He often got ahead in business with his great leadership abilities, but once in a while he used violence. This was India after all. By the time he was 22, the boy had all the money he would ever need. So he bought a yacht and traveled the world for 10 years. For 10 years he visited every major port, slept with girls from every country imaginable, and tried every drug ever made (by nature and by man). When he was 33, he was walking on a beach in French Guiana when he met a girl of Irish - Native American decent. She bared his seed. It was boy, perfect health. He moved them to Argentina, then London, and eventually Vermont. The man was 45 now, he has seen everything, accomplished everything, tried everything. He skied down the Swiss Alps, been at the North Pole, swam with hammerheads, everything! Yet he has never done one simple thing that we all take for granted every day, he met his father. He never played catch with his father, he never talked about women with his father. He never would. He died at the age of 63 when his parachute didn?t open when he was base jumping from Dagger Mountain in Washington, USA. Over three thousand people attended his funeral. Now "girl", I know what you are thinking. How does this story relate to me? Well I want you to go all the way back to the beginning of the story and remember the woman who gave birth to this incredible boy. You are like this woman. You are like this women because you are a whore.
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Old 09-05-2010, 03:07 PM   #413
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:43 AM   #414
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Last edited by AAnthony; 11-13-2014 at 09:48 AM.
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:56 AM   #415
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What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?

Spoiler!
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Old 09-07-2010, 02:51 PM   #416
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18-year-old Susi goes to a priest, to confess her sins and to ask for advice:

Susi: 'Yesterday I called a young man a son of a bitch! "
Priest: "But why did you do that, my child?"
Susi: "He grabbed my arm!"
Priest: "Something like this?" He grabs her arm, "But that's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Susi: "He also touched my breasts"
Priest: "Something like this?" He touches her breasts "Thatīs no reason to call him a son of a bitch,either."

Susi: "Then he took off my clothes."
Priest: "Something like this?" He strips her naked and says: "No reason to scold him as a son of a bitch, too!"

Susi: "But then he gave it to me really hard"
Priest: "Something like this?" and the Priest fucks the shit out of her properly...

then he says: "You see, that's still no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Susi: "But priest, he has AIDS!"

Priest: "That son of a bitch.
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Old 09-10-2010, 09:57 AM   #417
Head of HR....have a seat on that couch
 
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A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here". The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
--
A bloke goes up to a fat chick in a pub. He asks if she's got a pen. She answers him "Yes! As a matter of fact I do". He comes back with "Does the farmer know you've got out?"
--
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car!"
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can we stop, my pussy hurts...
Originally posted by asian_XL
fliptuner, I am gonna grab ur dick and pee in your face, then rub shit all over my face...:lol
Originally posted by Fei-Ji
haha i can taste the cum in my mouth
Originally posted by FastAnna
when I was 13 I wanted to be a video hoe so bad


RSUV #7
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:59 AM   #418
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IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:09 AM   #419
HELP ME PLS!!!
 
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^ this is gold !!!!!!!!!!! Thank you
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:55 AM   #420
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gdoh View Post
IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
haha awesome
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:02 PM   #421
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Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, asked,
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?!?" she screeched.
"What KIND of tattoo?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,"
he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?!?" she said,
shaking her head in total disgust.
"Why in the world would
an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his dick?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow."

"Two, once in a while, I enjoy playing with my money."

"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, best of all, instead of you going shopping,
you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
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Old 09-18-2010, 06:29 PM   #422
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Penis owners instruction manual


BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years)


PENIS

Average length and diameter (flaccid)
3.5 x 1.25 inches

Average length and diameter (erect)
5.1 x 1.6 inches

Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect
300% (wow!)

Longest medically recorded erection
12 inches

Amount of blood in erect penis
8 to 10 x normal

Average erections per night (while sleeping)
5

Average duration of each nocturnal erection
20 to 30 minutes

Estimated replacement value (good condition model)
Ģ50,000


TESTICLES

Average length and width
1.4 x 1 inch

Average weight
0.875 x 1.75 ounces

Temperature
94.6 degrees Fahrenheit

Compartments within each
400


SPERM

Average body's production
50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!)

Days to maturity
84

Number in ejaculate of average fertile man
200 to 600 million

Number of ejaculate of infertile man
less than 50 million

Percentage of total ejaculate
3% - 5%

Average swimming speed
1 to 4 millimetres per minute

Average life span once mature
1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets


SEMEN

Average volume of ejaculate
0.5 to 1 teaspoon

Chief ingredient
Fructose sugar

Caloric content
5 calories per teaspoon

Protein content
6 milligrams per teaspoon

Average number of ejaculatory spurts
3 to 10

Average interval of ejaculatory contractions
0.8 seconds

Farthest medically recorded ejaculation
11.7 inches


BLADDER

Average capacity
7 to 13 ounces

Normal flow
7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds


STARTING THE ENGINE

The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs, it's inside your head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an electrical spark travelling the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model.

HARD STARTING OR STALLING

If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues, ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available options/upgrades").

CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:-
Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard Branson.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this document.)

BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment's age) before another erection can occur. About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support.


DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder. When it's time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular contractions.

CAUTION!
The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.

WARNING!
Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of impotence.

SPARE TYRE

Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly.

RUNNING-IN PERIOD

To ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality.

ACCELERATION 0-60 MPH

Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age.

WARNING!
Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control.

SUDDEN STOPS

Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an aching muscle.

HANDLING

In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for sex, where you're forever flirting with the limits of control.

ENGAGING THE CHOKE

To postpone ejaculation and extend love making, engage "the choke". This technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind it's head prior to orgasm.

CAUTION! Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function.

FUEL REQUIREMENTS

Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.

BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONS

Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS - Your abdominal muscles (abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do crunches. These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don't raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin to your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut.

ALIGNMENT

One third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an erect penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend to happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the steering wheel and drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always use turn signals before changing positions.

SAFETY BELTS

It's highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for activities that involve running, jumping and sudden movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them from jarring.

CAUTION!
Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the static electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100% cotton shorts are recommended.

CONDOM DEPLOYMENT

Use only condoms from a sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be careful of fingernails, rings and other objects that could tear or puncture the material. Never open a condom package with your teeth or on your partners spiked collar. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis before penetration occurs. Use only water-based lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex condoms. Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom. During withdrawal, hold the base of the condom to keep it from coming off. And use each condom only once.

MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE

Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is required.

TO BE DONE DAILY

It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day.

TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST)

Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually.

TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY

After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't feel like the surrounding tissue.

YEARLY INSPECTION

Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three things: A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger here, not computer). A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble. An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue.

WARNING!
Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids all warranties, written or implied.

SERVICING

The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:-

20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly
30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly
40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times monthly
Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends)

AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECK

Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to the post-box.)

FLUID LEAKS

After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.

CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET

Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.

LUBRICATION ADDING OIL

For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.

DISPOSING OF USED OIL

When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment. Flavoured lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavoured brands wipe clean with a towel.

APPEARANCE

Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body , it's important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately.

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES

The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.

MAJOR DENTS

If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.

TROUBLESHOOTING

The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and corrected by your doctor.

PROBLEM
SOLUTION

Penis seems small.
Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis. Keep in mind that the average vagina is just three to five inches long.

Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower than the right one.
Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all cases.

Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as firm as they were.
This is common with older models. However, exercising regularly, following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking and limiting alcohol are all antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.

Ejaculation happens way to fast.
Try strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to familiarise yourself with the feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100 or more daily - at your desk or in the bath. Since it's the same muscle that contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more control during sex.

Ejaculation isn't as forceful or as plentiful as it once was.
Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In fact, with vintage models, ejaculation may not occur at all, although an orgasm is experienced.

Pain in testicle.
Intermittent twinges are common, and anything that lasts less than a minute or so is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds gradually is usually caused by an infection or inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic or authorized dealership.


AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADES - Customise your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs

VASECTOMY

Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern laser. To find out more, visit our vasectomy FAQ

TESTOSTERONE

Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection.

PENIS ENLARGEMENT

Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker.

WARNING!
Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when operating at high speeds.

CIRCUMCISION

See "Checking under the bonnet" above.

FORESKIN RESTORATION

For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.

WARNING!
Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.

PENILE IMPLANTS

If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants. These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available. A non-hydraulic implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that can be bent up or down by hand. It's the simplest design, but since the penis remains semi-rigid, some men find it difficult to wear Chinos. A hydraulic implant includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline solution and a pump, all concealed within the body. For an erection you simply squeeze your scrotum to inflate the penis.
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Old 09-18-2010, 07:47 PM   #423
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What's the difference between a deep freezer and a vagina?

A deep freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:15 PM   #424
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Why did the Lone Ranger wear a mask?
He didn't want to be seen with an Indian.

What's 25 feet long, has 6 teeth and is usually inebriated?
A native road block.

What do you call two Indians in a ditch?
A sleepover.

What do you call an empty can of beer on the side of the road?
An Indian artifact.

What do you call half a can of beer of on the side the road?
A rare Indian artifact.

Where's the worst place to hide an Indian's welfare cheque?
Under his work boots.

A native is sitting at a bar when a prostitute approaches him and whispers in his ear. Suddenly, he turns around and knocks the hooker out!
The bartender, shocked, asks, "What the hell did she say to you, man!?"
The native replies, "I don't know man, something about a job."

There's a native walking through the desert who trips over something in the sand. He lifts it up and as he does, a magic genie pops out.
"I've been trapped in that lamp over 10,000 years!" exclaims the genie. "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
The Indian skeptically looks the genie up and down.
"Ok... I want a bottle of whiskey that never runs out," he says.
"Gr-r-r-r-anted!" the genie obliges.
Out of thin air a large whiskey bottle appears. The native grabs it and chugs it down. Magically, the bottle refills itself as soon as it's emptied.
"Now that you see my magic is real, what would you like for your other two wishes?" inquires the genie.
"What the fuck do you think!?" the Native retorts. "I'll take two more of these!!"
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:58 PM   #425
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kind of racist, but what the hell......... fucking hilarious.
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