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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 09-19-2010, 08:19 AM   #426
OMGWTFBBQ is a common word I say everyday
 
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Originally Posted by 89blkcivic View Post
kind of racist, but what the hell......... fucking hilarious.
Ya, that's what I was thinking too, but I heard most of em from Native friends lol
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Old 09-19-2010, 09:07 AM   #427
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True that. Some of the best jokes come from them. When I was in college (the year I got kicked out of UBC - academic probation - too much partying), I got to know the son of a Nishga chief. The guy was so fricken funny with his native jokes and jokes in general. When he went Indian, as he called it, he was a total party animal. I loved that guy. He had a super big smile and was liked by everybody. Don't think he was too successful with the ladies, but his jokes made me laugh so hard I'd piss my pants.
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Old 09-19-2010, 01:45 PM   #428
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A peanut walked into a bar and shortly after, he was sent to the hospital. Why?

He was a salted (assaulted).
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Old 09-19-2010, 02:23 PM   #429
OMGWTFBBQ is a common word I say everyday
 
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^ I know a similar joke. Draws immediate boos.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through Walley?
One was a salted.
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Old 09-19-2010, 07:00 PM   #430
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Top 100 Funniest One Liner Quotes
1 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

5 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

11 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

19 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

21 Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

22 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

23 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

26 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

30 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

31 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

32 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

33 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

34 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

35 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

36 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

37 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

38 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

39 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

42 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

44 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

45 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

46 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

47 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

49 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

50 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

51 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

52 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

56 It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

57 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

58 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

60 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

61 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

62 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

63 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

64 Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

65 When in doubt, mumble.

66 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

67 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

68 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

69 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

70 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

71 Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

72 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

73 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

74 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

75 I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

76 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

77 I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

78 I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

79 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

80 There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

81 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

82 You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

83 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

84 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
85 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

86 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

87 Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

88 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

89 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

90 A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

92 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

93 If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

94 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

95 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

96 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

97 Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

98 Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100 Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
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Old 09-19-2010, 11:12 PM   #431
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Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:42 PM   #432
OMGWTFBBQ is a common word I say everyday
 
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.
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Old 09-20-2010, 08:49 PM   #433
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who are you planning to spend the rest of your life with? your sister or girlfriend?
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I sold my Yaris 5 years ago, and seriously, IT IS better than your shit box civics. The mods I have for that car is probably worth more than your whole self-worth.
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After spending some time reading through this thread, I now know how to give a killer blowjob. Thanks revscene.

2005 richmond transportation device
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:55 PM   #434
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My dad (of all people) forwarded these to me:

Humour about marriage
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

---------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or No.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why dear?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you.'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
--------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!'
--------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
--------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'
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Old 09-23-2010, 12:06 AM   #435
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So a guy goes on a hunting trip to prove that hes the man of the house.
The first day he goes to the gun store and buys a shotgun, goes into the woods, gets the bear in his crosshairs.
He shoots, misses, and the bear comes over and fucks him. The guy is sad, but goes back at it again and buys a sniper.
Aims, shoots, misses and the bear comes back over and fucks him up again. The third day the guy is in tears and goes to buy a rocket launcher.
He aims, fires, misses and the bear comes over and fucks him again. The bear said to the guy "I guess you don't come here for the shooting, do ya?

Last edited by ra604; 09-23-2010 at 12:07 AM. Reason: smaller paragraphs
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:12 PM   #436
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what do you call a paki skydiving?



pollution
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:42 PM   #437
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Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar. They ask the bartender if he knows how to make an "asshurt". The bartender says "No, how do you make an asshurt?". Mary Kate says, "Well, Bob Sagat hands you a glass of chocolate milk... then you wake up three hours later lying on your stomach..."
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7seven: I really can't stand all these idiots who hit the gym now just because they watched 300 and want to be like a spartan. Case in point, this skinny guy comes into the gym the other day, must have only weighed ~ 140lbs, loads on 2 plates on the bench rack, mutters to himself, for sparta, unracks the barbell and proceeds to drop it directly on his chest.
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Old 09-24-2010, 05:12 PM   #438
OMGWTFBBQ is a common word I say everyday
 
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Two hookers standing on the corner when a cop rolls by.

First hooker asks, "Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

Second hooker replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:25 AM   #439
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What does having sex and having an argument with a women have in common

Its good to know when to pull out
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:57 AM   #440
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BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: “Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer -- who provided this description?”

A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”


Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”

A: “Yes, sir, with my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: “Yes sir, we do.”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: “You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:47 PM   #441
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost...
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Old 10-01-2010, 07:26 PM   #442
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled, 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.
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Old 10-01-2010, 08:08 PM   #443
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Not really a joke but:

You can't say happiness without saying penis
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Old 10-01-2010, 10:43 PM   #444
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Not really a joke but:

You can't say happiness without saying penis
You must be a Frenchman.
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Old 10-02-2010, 02:39 AM   #445
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A man had been drinking for several hours in his neighborhood bar when the bartender started to close up. The drunken man got off his stool and fell to the floor. He pulled himself up on the stool, took one step toward the door and fell again. "Oh, hell. I'll crawl then," he said. He crawled to the door, pulled himself up by the doorknob, worked his way outside and fell again when he let go. He decided to crawl around the corner to his home. He pulled himself up to let himself in, managed to close the door, but fell again when he stepped toward the couch. After crawling to the couch he pulled himself up on it and went to sleep. An hour later his wife turned on the lights and woke him up.

"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" she said angrily.

"No, honey. I was out with the guys late and did not want to wake you..."

"Right," she said. "The bar just called to let me know you forgot your wheelchair."
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:56 AM   #446
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^ actually found that pretty depressing...
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Old 10-11-2010, 11:19 AM   #447
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Old 10-14-2010, 04:40 PM   #448
I don't get it
 
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Racist as hell:

why's it suck to be a black jew?
Because you'll have to goto the back of the oven
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Old 10-14-2010, 05:22 PM   #449
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^ The one I heard was..

What did Hitler say to the black Jew?
"Get to the back of the oven."

This one I heard at work.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?
Give the b!tch a shovel.
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Old 10-14-2010, 05:35 PM   #450
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WTF is up with all the black jokes. Uncool. I grew up with a bunch of black friends...



















...until my dad sold them all.
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