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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 02-19-2009, 02:03 PM   #26
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^^^

Oh my god...... that's hilarious.

I was thinking something else...... jesus = hippie
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Old 02-19-2009, 04:01 PM   #27
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**racist joke, don't read if you get offended easily**

What do you call and east indian who has been run over by a car?






UnderJeep.
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:10 PM   #28
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**racist joke, don't read if you get offended easily**

Spoiler!
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:15 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anklesprain View Post
**racist joke, don't read if you get offended easily**

What do you call and east indian who has been run over by a car?






UnderJeep.
UnderJeep Sidhu......... I know the girl. Wait, my bad, it was Inderpreet. Gawd that was bad. Almost as bad as two wongs don't make it white.
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:16 PM   #30
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Q. How do you keep the Vancouver Canucks out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal net.
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why you hating on the boss, anyways?
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:18 PM   #31
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**racist joke, don't read if you get offended easily**

Why is there cotton in a tylenol bottle?



To remind blacks that they were picking cotton before selling drugs
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:29 PM   #32
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Q: How do you kill a white girl?

A: Put spikes on her shoulders and ask her a difficult question.
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why you hating on the boss, anyways?
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Old 02-19-2009, 06:01 PM   #33
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^

i dont get it.
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Old 02-19-2009, 06:05 PM   #34
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You guys know simply putting a warning in front of a racial joke doesn't make it any better right?

Anyways, a black guy, a mexican guy and cracker come across a genie in a bottle. They let the genie out, and he offers to grant them each one wish. He asks the black guy what he would like. He replies "I'd like all of my African brothers to return to the motherland, and have peace and prosperity." *poof* all the black men, women and children are shot back to Africa where they live free and easy for the rest of time.

Genie asks the mexican guy what he would like. He asks for "All of my hispanic brothers and sisters to be returned to a comfortable life in Mexico." *poof* all the Mexicans are returned to Mexico, where the live free and easy for the rest of time.

The Genie then asks the cracker what he'd like. He says, incredulously "You mean to tell me you just got rid of all the spics, and all the coons, and now I get a free wish too? Shit, I'll have a coke."

What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on....

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.

How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "we don't serve bits of string, get out of here." The string goes outside, ties himself into a knot, messes up his hair, and walks back into the bar to order a drink. The bartender says "hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of here?" The string replies "No. I'm a frayed knot."
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Old 02-19-2009, 06:17 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shenmecar View Post
^

i dont get it.
That's cause it's supposed to be a blond joke, not a white joke.

A blond goes to get her hair cut, but refuses to take of her headphones at the request of the hairstylist. The stylist goes along with it, but when the blond falls asleep during scalp massage, she decides to take off the headphones so she can even out a few spots. When she's done, she finds the blond to be quite dead. When the cops arrive to investigate the death, one of them listens to the music on the headset, and finds it just says "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.

Why do blond shoes have TGIF written on the inside? Toes Go In First.
Why do blond bras have TGIF written on the inside? Tits Go In Front.

Blonds may have more fun, but brunettes can read.

So a guys moves to a new town, and goes out to a fancy rooftop bar hoping to meet some new people. He's sitting at the bar, and hears a couple of locals chatting away, and decides to pick their brains about the town. They chat about where to meet chicks, places to play pool, good places to eat etc, all the while getting drunker and drunker. Let in the evening, one of the locals tells the new guy that it's possible to jump off the roof of the bar they're on, fall to the 13th floor, and be pushed by the late night winds around to the far side, where you'll land light as a feather on the 8th floor balcony. "Bullshit," says the new guy "let's see it." Without missing a beat, the local walks off the roof, falls 20 or so floors, floats around to the far side of the building and lands, unhurt, on the 8th floor. He gets back up to the top just in time to see the new guy jump off the roof. The new guy is giggling the whole way down, until he passes teh 13th floor a full speed, and splatters onto the sidewalk. Lois turns to Clark and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you drink."
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Old 02-19-2009, 07:21 PM   #36
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A Newfie wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Newfie says? "Da's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Newfie.

"Fair enough," says the boss suspiciously, "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "D'ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty-tree, and dirty-tree, plus dirty-tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire this Newfie , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Newfie leans forward patiently and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along, see, and poop'd by each tree.
So now .......you got dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd, plus dirty-tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"


The Newfie is the now supervisor of an Aerospace company.
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Old 02-19-2009, 09:32 PM   #37
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dirty tree and a turd.... ingenious.

-KC
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Old 02-20-2009, 11:07 AM   #38
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There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "Well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."

The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking. About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool. The Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."
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Old 02-20-2009, 11:21 AM   #39
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
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Old 02-20-2009, 11:50 AM   #40
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animal joke ???????????????? Here it goes ....

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this?
Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to
beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this?
He was merely trying to help us all!
"The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the
forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
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Old 02-20-2009, 03:27 PM   #41
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LOL, where do u guys find all these jokes?
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Old 02-20-2009, 03:47 PM   #42
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google "joke"

and then copy and paste it. it'll look like you typed up the whole thing.
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why you hating on the boss, anyways?
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Old 02-20-2009, 05:47 PM   #43
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What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.
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Old 02-20-2009, 07:28 PM   #44
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On a lovely spring day, a man asked his
beautiful girlfriend to marry him.
She said "NO!".
He lived happily ever after.
___________


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

(you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

_________

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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Old 02-21-2009, 12:56 PM   #45
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A student draws a penis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:
"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!!

_______

A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here's a fiver now fuck off!"
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Old 02-21-2009, 12:59 PM   #46
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^ HAHA pretty good
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Old 02-21-2009, 06:36 PM   #47
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This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
Washington DC
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Old 02-21-2009, 06:49 PM   #48
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UnderJeep Sidhu......... I know the girl. Wait, my bad, it was Inderpreet. Gawd that was bad. Almost as bad as two wongs don't make it white.
WHY DID I LAUGH?! LOL
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:02 PM   #49
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Little Timmy was in the garden, filling in a hole, when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the kid was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?" "My goldfish died, "Timmy said without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour said, "Why such a big hold for a goldfish?" Timmy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "Because he's inside your fucking cat."
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Old 02-21-2009, 07:43 PM   #50
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What do you say when you see your TV floating across your living room at night?
"Put it down ni**er!"

What do you say when you see your fridge floating across your living room at night?
Nothing, that's a big damn ni**er!
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