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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 10-09-2012, 01:19 PM   #651
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If anyone is interested in watching some shitty comedy tonight at the Comedy Mix.....tonight is Pro Am night!!


I may have a limited access to tickets as well.
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Old 10-11-2012, 09:22 AM   #652
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an oldie but a goodie

Quote:
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his
eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..

And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of
$500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off
the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
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Old 10-12-2012, 02:00 PM   #653
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a blonde walks into the cleaners to drop off a shirt.
as she is walking out the cleaning lady says "come again"
the blonde replies, "its toothpaste this time you nosy bitch"
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Old 11-13-2012, 10:59 AM   #654
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Quote:
THE FARMER KNOWS....



A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man
drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed
in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some
milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture
from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two
buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when
the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had
some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would
mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so
the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full
of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's
house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you
had some Pussywillow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
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Old 11-26-2012, 11:48 AM   #655
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There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Following Saturday rolls around and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.

You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.

Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is lying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
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Old 11-26-2012, 12:26 PM   #656
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Old 12-07-2012, 08:13 PM   #657
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What do you say to an Indian guy driving a Lamborghini? Bro your car is SO sikh!
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Old 12-14-2012, 09:35 AM   #658
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Timmy's letter to Santa

Quote:
Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.
I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones

************************************************** ***********************************************

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

************************************************** **********************************************

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully, Tim Jones

************************************************** *********************************************

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours, S. Claus

************************************************** **********************************************
Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!!!!

T-Bone

************************************************** **********************************************

Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake".
Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement.
You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

************************************************** *********************************************
Dear Santa. Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

************************************************** **********************************************

That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa
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Old 12-14-2012, 09:57 AM   #659
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what do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection...

Quarter pounder with cheese
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:15 AM   #660
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Drinking & Driving

Quote:
Drinking & Driving

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the
years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a
Couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I came upon a
Police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have
never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with
It - now that it's in my garage!
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:50 PM   #661
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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:48 PM   #662
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Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six packs
Lady: How much per six pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
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Old 03-06-2013, 12:14 PM   #663
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Looks like I'm gonna have some hot sex again tonight...OOPS i got the 6 pack. that wont last me the night, I better go back and get the 24 pack! -Turbo E
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Old 03-14-2013, 04:29 PM   #664
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From fucked up shit thread:


A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
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[15-01, 11:33] ICE BOY i'm going to wrap my dick in a crepe and make you suck the filling

[[09-10, 11:34] ICE BOY liquor in the front, poker in the rear
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Old 03-16-2013, 12:59 AM   #665
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Forgive me if it's a re-post as I haven't been actively following this thread but those that haven't read this:

TIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.
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Old 04-18-2013, 07:29 PM   #666
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:49 PM   #667
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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:51 PM   #668
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So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."
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Old 07-24-2013, 10:40 AM   #669
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...

Quote:
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, But it worked!
I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! ..........She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
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Old 07-25-2013, 08:22 PM   #670
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Joke would be better with a dog cuz a cat in the backyard would be trouble
Plus she was a "bitch" hehe
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Old 07-25-2013, 10:05 PM   #671
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Some jokes I remember from elementary school....... so long ago, so jokes are a little innocent, LOL.


Q: What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

A: You can't make a vitamin.......


Q: What's the difference between a nun and a whore?

A: One hopes for her soul, while the other has soap in her hole.
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Old 09-10-2013, 08:25 AM   #672
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Her best feature

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious


that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a
few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he
finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at my breasts; I
am a 38 C and 100% natural. I work out every

day and my butt is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my
skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...
























'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'
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Old 09-12-2013, 08:22 AM   #673
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Quote:
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!
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Old 03-22-2014, 09:19 PM   #674
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PROUD CANADIAN

A US FIRST GRADE TEACHER EXPLAINS TO HER CLASS THAT SHE
IS AN AMERICAN. SHE ASKS HER STUDENTS TO RAISE THEIR
HANDS IF THEY ARE AMERICAN TOO.

NOT REALLY KNOWING WHY BUT WANTING TO BE LIKE THEIR
TEACHER, THEIR HANDS EXPLODE INTO THE AIR LIKE FLASHY
FIREWORKS. THERE IS, HOWEVER, ONE EXCEPTION. A GIRL
NAMED KRISTEN HAS NOT GONE ALONG WITH THE CROWD.

THE TEACHER ASKS HER WHY SHE HAS DECIDED TO BE
DIFFERENT.. "BECAUSE I AM NOT AN AMERICAN."

"THEN", ASKS THE TEACHER, "WHAT ARE YOU?".

"I'M A PROUD CANADIAN," BOASTS THE LITTLE GIRL.

THE TEACHER IS A LITTLE PERTURBED NOW, HER FACE SLIGHTLY
RED. SHE ASKS KRISTEN WHY SHE IS A CANADIAN.

"WELL, MY MOM AND DAD ARE CANADIANS, SO I'M A CANADIAN
TOO.

THE TEACHER IS NOW REALLY ANGRY. "THAT'S NO REASON," SHE
SAYS LOUDLY. "WHAT IF YOUR MOM WAS A CRAPPY HOCKEY
PLAYER, AND YOUR DAD WAS A CRAPPY HOCKEY PLAYER? WOULD
THAT MEAN THAT YOU'RE A CRAPPY HOCKEY PLAYER TOO?"

A PAUSE, AND A SMILE. THEN, SAYS KRISTEN, "NOPE! THAT'D
MEAN I'M AN AMERICAN!"
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:04 PM   #675
rsx
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I thought it would end with ...well that'd mean I was a Vancouver Canuck =(
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