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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 03-14-2015, 09:38 PM   #701
MG1
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Heard this a week ago.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade
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Old 11-26-2015, 08:23 AM   #702
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The owner at my work sent this around the whole company lol

Quote:
FIRST TIME SEX

It's clean & funny.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy every- Thing there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
Idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."
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Old 08-13-2016, 06:57 PM   #703
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Heard this on Satellite Radio.......

Dude covered completely in saran wrap walks into a bar................

the bartender says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Last edited by MG1; 08-14-2016 at 05:26 AM.
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Old 09-13-2016, 09:13 PM   #704
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A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room… “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that, too” she replied softly.

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:08 PM   #705
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Perfect for this time of year

Quote:
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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