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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 06-24-2009, 04:54 PM   #126
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Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

====================

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

====================

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
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I know it doesn't make my car faster... its aesthetics
I mean those LV and Gucci also doesn't make you any smarter
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Old 06-24-2009, 07:48 PM   #127
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Originally Posted by [jsx] sky View Post
weak sauce
your turn............

no contribution?
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:57 PM   #128
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***********RACIST JOKE********


What do you name a chinese baby that's born all black?











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Old 06-25-2009, 01:32 AM   #129
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wut do you call a dog stranded on a desert??? (O__O)???




















A HOT DOG
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so instead of teaching retarded monkeys not to cross the yellow line

give them a book and a bannana. the retarded monkey now becomes a smart banana
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Old 06-25-2009, 12:27 PM   #130
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your turn............

no contribution?
A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car. He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot’s room and says “Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The carrot says, “Give me the good news first, doc.”

The doctor says, “The good news is you’re gonna live.”

“And the bad news?” asks the carrot.

“THe bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life.“
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Old 06-25-2009, 01:40 PM   #131
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There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...
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Old 06-26-2009, 02:33 AM   #132
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this thread is epic
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Old 06-26-2009, 10:51 AM   #133
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Everyone was shocked when MJ died. Scientists were sure plastic lasted longer than 50 years.
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Old 06-27-2009, 02:59 PM   #134
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They figured out how MJ died....








Food posioning, he ate an 11 year old wiener
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Old 06-27-2009, 03:56 PM   #135
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I heard a version of this in our team locker room. I changed it up a little.

"How come there aren't many asian players in the NHL? Because they can't see anything when you put a windshield in front of their eyes."
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Old 06-27-2009, 05:05 PM   #136
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the john tesh is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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Old 06-27-2009, 05:05 PM   #137
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Why doesnt Jesus play hockey?


Because he's afraid he'll get nailed into the boards.
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Old 06-27-2009, 06:11 PM   #138
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What were Michael Jackson's last words?

Take me to the CHILDREN's hospital!
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Old 06-27-2009, 07:33 PM   #139
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Why doesnt Jesus play hockey?


Because he's afraid he'll get nailed into the boards.
Ouch! but funny
mean but funny

I imagine a few christians would be bothered by it, but funny nonetheless


Am I going to hell because I laughed so hard at this one?
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Old 06-27-2009, 09:51 PM   #140
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A man was eating his girfriend out

then he shouted: "Geez, you got a big pussy! Geez, you got a big pussy!"

The girl says: "OK, but why did you say it twice?

The guys says: "I didn't..."
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Old 06-27-2009, 11:33 PM   #141
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What does Michael Jackson like about twenty six year olds?









































Theres twenty of them!
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Old 06-27-2009, 11:45 PM   #142
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A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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Old 06-27-2009, 11:45 PM   #143
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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the
tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever
had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK,
dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be
the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it.
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Old 06-27-2009, 11:46 PM   #144
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A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:02 AM   #145
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FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, ' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:54 AM   #146
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Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!"
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Old 06-28-2009, 12:59 AM   #147
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Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!"
epic fail right there
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Old 06-28-2009, 01:22 AM   #148
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epic fail right there
LOLOLOLOLOL!!!
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Old 06-28-2009, 01:24 AM   #149
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I'm so going to hell for laughing at all the MJ jokes....
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Old 06-28-2009, 10:27 AM   #150
14 dolla balla aint got nothing on me!
 
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whats the hardest part about rollerblading?

telling your parents you're gay
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