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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 06-28-2009, 09:30 AM   #151
HELP ME PLS!!!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TekDragon View Post
Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!"
LOL too soon yo!
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Old 06-28-2009, 10:45 AM   #152
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TekDragon View Post
Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!"
You are missing the punchline

Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!"
So he killed MJ
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Old 06-28-2009, 01:03 PM   #153
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^ No, I think he's just hoping he doesn't have to spell it out for people...
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Old 09-21-2009, 10:55 AM   #154
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It's been a while..... some corny jokes, so you guys will have better ones.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
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Old 09-21-2009, 03:36 PM   #155
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What did the deaf mute person say to the chicken?
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Old 09-28-2009, 03:25 PM   #156
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What did the deaf mute person say to the chicken?
at first i was then.....wait for it...
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Old 09-28-2009, 03:29 PM   #157
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Originally Posted by 89blkcivic View Post

A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
I lol'd at this one.
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Old 09-29-2009, 11:40 AM   #158
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Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..."

"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure.." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Old 09-29-2009, 11:51 AM   #159
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for thiscarrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made
her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to
answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was
the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:57 PM   #160
I contribute to threads in the offtopic forum
 
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What's the difference between a black guy and cream?
- cream doesn't scream when you whip it

What's the difference between a black guy and a set of tires?
- tires don't sing when you put a set of chains on it

What's the difference between a black guy and an orange?
- the orange is a alive when you take it off the tree

What's do black guys always cry after sex?
- pepper spray

What does the Easter Bunny, Santa and a welll educated native have in common?
- none of them exist


*let me know if you want more with some thanks!
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Old 10-03-2009, 11:06 AM   #161
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Old 10-03-2009, 10:12 PM   #162
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What's the difference between a black guy and an orange?
- the orange is a alive when you take it off the tree
That's a little too much man.
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Old 10-03-2009, 11:04 PM   #163
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old 10-07-2009, 01:02 PM   #164
Need my Daily Fix of RS
 
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What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you !!!
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Old 10-07-2009, 03:38 PM   #165
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In a small town an officer pulls over a vehicle, the officer asks the driver, "do you know how fast you were going?" Driver says, "i don't know officer, you tell me". Officer says, "being a wise guy are we? license and registration please". The officer pulls up his file on the computer and comes back to the driver. Officer says to the driver, "i'm writing you up for speeding smart guy, what have you got to say about that?" Driver says, "since i'm so smart, I know who is sleeping with your wife, and i'll tell you if you rip up the ticket". Officer replies, "you got yourself a deal, who is it?" Driver says, "me" then he drives off.
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Old 10-07-2009, 03:44 PM   #166
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Quote:
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In a small town an officer pulls over a vehicle, the officer asks the driver, "do you know how fast you were going?" Driver says, "i don't know officer, you tell me". Officer says, "being a wise guy are we? license and registration please". The officer pulls up his file on the computer and comes back to the driver. Officer says to the driver, "i'm writing you up for speeding smart guy, what have you got to say about that?" Driver says, "since i'm so smart, I know who is sleeping with your wife, and i'll tell you if you rip up the ticket". Officer replies, "you got yourself a deal, who is it?" Driver says, "me" then he drives off.
He still ain't off the hook, his details should still be on the officer's computer screen!

GG for the driver.
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Old 10-07-2009, 03:45 PM   #167
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hirevtuner View Post
In a small town an officer pulls over a vehicle, the officer asks the driver, "do you know how fast you were going?" Driver says, "i don't know officer, you tell me". Officer says, "being a wise guy are we? license and registration please". The officer pulls up his file on the computer and comes back to the driver. Officer says to the driver, "i'm writing you up for speeding smart guy, what have you got to say about that?" Driver says, "since i'm so smart, I know who is sleeping with your wife, and i'll tell you if you rip up the ticket". Officer replies, "you got yourself a deal, who is it?" Driver says, "me" then he drives off.
That doesn't really makes sense. If the driver says, "You" then it feels more like a joke
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Old 10-07-2009, 05:26 PM   #168
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Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman
parked down the street outside the Legion Hall just off the main Street at
Estevan, Saskatchewan ..

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the
Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He
then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook
and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of
other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and
drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers
on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a
few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the
parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the
man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated
fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:38 PM   #169
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What's a dildo farmer's worst nightmare?

Spoiler!
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Old 10-24-2009, 04:02 AM   #170
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Old 10-24-2009, 04:10 AM   #171
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Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:37 AM   #172
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head...

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.



The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the wine back.
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:01 PM   #173
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
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Old 11-24-2009, 12:03 PM   #174
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1+2=3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.... She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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Old 11-24-2009, 02:16 PM   #175
How I Mod your mother
 
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One of my co-workers told me this one:

So theres a guy outside washing his car, when 2 lesbians he knows approach him and ask what he wants for his birhday, so he tells them.
2 weeks later they come up to him with a nice new rolex.. His buddy comes over and says "WOW, thats a nice watch!" the guy replies by saying, "yeah, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch"
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