[Confidential] Seeing someone
 

Wow this is a first for me, but I am not against it if a member doesn't feel comfortable with submitting their question to someone else. Rest assure we will all keep usernames confidential when asked to. :)
The following is a submission from an Anonymous Revscene member. If the original poster would like to reply to this thread feel free to message me privately
Please give mature and serious replies only to this user. Thanks :)

after reading over the insecure thread i didnt want to hijak that thread so i decided to post my own. sorry for the long read. i've been seeing a guy now for just over a month. we're taking things slow because he's been hurt in the past and wants to take things slow. in that time together he's slept over at my house 3 times and says he doesn't like sleeping over because he doesn't want to feel rushed in the morning and would rather spend the night when he doesn't have to work the next day so we can sleep in and not have to worry about rushing. anyhow sat night he came over and ended up sleeping over without me asking him to. when we were discussing hanging out i told him that if i go out i'm not going out again before 8 am and that i'd come grab him if he was okay with that. later on we were laying in bed and he said something about it getting late. i figured he was going to go home so i asked him what was going to be done about that and he asked me if i could set an alarm for him. anyhow he spent the night and ended up leaving his phone at my place which i found under my couch after i sent him a text later on that night. i don't know why i did and i know theres no excuse for it but i ended up looking through his text messages and found a text from a girl saying she loved him and appreciated him. i ended up looking at his sent texts after this and saw his reply was "thanks you know I love you too and i know how much you care about me which i can't even begin to tell how much that means to me". now that is the only text like that i saw between him and the girl but it's made me wonder. i know we're only seeing each other and have never talked about committment to one another so he's allowed to see other women it's just he's said he's not seeing anyone else. He even said this sunday morning. i'm just trying to figure out is there anyway this could be a friendly thing, should i talk to him about it and what should i say, or was i just played and need to end it with him?

sounds like hes using you as a backup plan
if everything goes well with the other girl you'll be shit outta luck and if it fails then he has a safety net

gotta ask yourself how much you like this guy? is it worth it to be with him knowing that he might be out there playing the field still? and you only been seeing the guy for a month, for all you know, he thinks of it as a fuck buddy kind of relationship

yeah just becareful cuz right now he doesnt even know what he wants

grandmasta could be right he's just using you as a "backUP"

if u dont think u see a committed relationship with him cuz im pretty sure u want that
i would say leave him and find another guy

u dont want to get hurt yourself.. when the relationship is deep

Reply from the original poster
well i am okay with taking it slow the thing i have the problem with is that he said he's not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. should i bring up the fact that i saw his reply text message to her or just leave it alone. i've told him from the very beginning to be up front with me and he has been completely honest with me, telling me he gets scared easily and other shit like that... but why wasn't he honest about that text. thanks for all the replies, keep them coming i'm subscribed to this thread to see the answers. i think i want to call him out on the text but don't know how to go about it, i was just thinking of telling him i need him to be completely honest with me and who's {insert girls name} then he will either tell me or not, then that's when i'd say i saw his text to her and see where it goes from there.

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scared easily and that stuff is just bullshit, sounds like hes full of excuses

i don't know if you want to call him out on the text, the guy might see it as your the snooping type or the untrustworthy type thats paranoid about all other women out there

since its still early on, you should really consider everything and decide do you think you'll be happy with him later on, if not then you should avoid the heartache and find someone that will treat you right

what would u do grandmaster tse?? would confront him (if u were the OP)
about that TEXT??

i know its wrong..for the OP to snoop around like that but its also wrong to be cheating..

I never understood what's wrong with just dealing with the situation as it is. I mean, is it worth enduring all the hardships for the sake of PC and courtesy or is "living by the gun, dying by the gun" (metaphorically speaking w/ relationships) a much more efficient way around it?

I've always viewed life as divided into 2. There are winners and losers. Applied to this situation, the guy is sleeping around will throw out even "I <3 U's" just to maintain their sexual commodities. Any inch she gives, any benefit of doubt she appropriates to him, is a loss to her cause and a benefit to his. Which pretty much means, OP = loser in this case.

If the OP is incapable of losing this guy completely, then I say the OP just uses the guy for a fuck until someone else better comes along. There's no point in competing with the other chick for his "I <3 U's." But he'll make a great time-filler until someone more interesting comes along.

make up some shit to test him out if i was in her shoes
but knowing that i might be cheated on, i would just call him out
but its different for everyone on whether or not they would take the risk with calling them out

I would ask him about it. If not, your going to keep on being suspicious and uneasy. Mind as well find out earlier instead of trying to bear through it.

reply from op
he's the brother of a friend of mine and about a week ago i was talking to the brother about him and the brother said the guy had mentioned that he doesn't want to fuck things up with me because he likes me and i know his brother is honest with me cause he's told me things about the guy im seeing that he probably shouldn't have. grandmastertse he wasn't sure where his phone was so i was thinking of telling him that i laid down on my couch and found it hidden under the blankets and when i retreived it the message was there on the screen and go from there. i know my phone will go to weird places even if i don't touch it, buttons get pushed by other things so i know it can actually happen. my phone has even dialed people without me even touching it and no they weren't on speed dial. you mention making up some shit to test him what do you mean by this? and technically he's not cheating because we haven't said we're in a committed relationship, he's just said he's not seeing or sleeping with anyone else when i asked him (as recently as sunday). thank you again to everyone for your input. i know i'm being stupid but i'm trying to get a bunch of different opinions on this just because of everything. and like i said, technically he's not cheating on me but it's the fact he lied to me.

i've had shit told to me that wasn't true from an ex just to see if i was with out with girls and stuff
but don't do it, it won't turn out good

the thing that is most important is honesty
both parties should be honest and just come clean about everything

I don't think you should say anything to him about it...even if buttons can get pushed and all that...I don't know. You can really only say that you saw either the message that was sent to him or the message that was sent to the chick. Is there a possibility that the girl is a relative or something though? Saying I love you to longtime friend or a relative is pretty common...

which is why she should tell him that she looked through his phone.

OP: You say this guy's telling you that he's been hurt before and then you go and look through his phone. People get hurt when others betray their trust. He forgot his phone at your place and had every right to believe that noone would be looking through it. You broke this trust.

He's most likely going to be very angry and/or dissapointed when you tell him...but you'll be showing him that you want to be honest with him.

Tell him you're sorry about what you did. Deal with one situation at a time. If he cares for you he will forgive you. Then move on to what you found out. Again be honest...tell him you know you hurt him by snooping but you can't forget what you saw.

Hopefully it works out for you.

reply from op
aurorastone i was thinking maybe she's a friend or something but i don't know. ser04 i have been thinking about telling him ever since last night. like i said in a above post i was thinking of telling him that i laid down on my couch and found it hidden under the blankets and when i retreived it the message was there on the screen and go from there. of course apologize for reading it because even if he is playing me i shouldn't have broken his trust like that because yes i assume he left it there trusting i wouldn't look through it. although he wasn't exactly sure where it was and had to be at work in 40 mins and still needed to do whatever he was planning on doing to get ready for work once i dropped him home. i've been thinking of asking him "so who's {insert girls name} to you, see whatever his response is, then say i laid down on my couch and found the phone hidden under the blankets and when i retreived it there was a message sent to her, i saw the first part about him saying he loved her too and ended up reading the whole rest of the message"

confront him, we will never know the answer. although i would say it's easier to not bother with a guy who isn't honest with you when you two aren't even seeing each other =\

OP: I know that you are looking for a clever way to tell him you saw his phone and I understand that you're just trying to minimize the damage. Having said that, PERSONALY I would prefer the truth, even if it hurts more.

You obviously know this guy better than I do, so act accordingly. Keep in mind, though, that even little lies like ones that are made to keep the other person from getting hurt have a way of coming back around to bite you in the ass.

There is another possibility of course, and it is that he really isn't worried about being hurt, and he really is just keeping you around on the side (backup as some have called it). In this case, again its in your best interest to tell him the truth. If he decides not to see you again after this...well then most likely he wasn't planning on staying anyways. And the faster you get rid of guys like this...the better it is for you :)

maybe he sent that to a friend? i know it sounds completely stupid that a guy would say that to a girl without meaning it in a "loving" way, but they honestly could just be friends. if he's not sleeping or seeing anybody else, then for now i say trust him. because really all you got was one text msg between them. i'm not saying to disregard this situation but i think just hold out a bit longer and see what happens. if he really has something to hide he'd be freaking out that he left his phone with you, knowing the possibility that you might look through it. someone who is going to try and play the field with a whole bunch of girls (and not wanting to get caught) won't be stupid enough to carelessly misplace his phone or not want to get it back asap.

i use to deal with a lot of insecurities and in the end i had to tell myself over and over again this : you have no reason not to trust someone until they give you a damn good reason not to be trusted.

Wow way to automatically assume he's lying to you. I tell my guy friends I love and appreciate them all the time, doesn't mean I'm fucking them. Get your head on straight and stop being so insecure. If you're willing to think the worst of him right off the bat, stop seeing him. Simple as that.

reply from op
yeah i know i was dumb for looking through his phone and jumping to conclusions about the text but when you read ""thanks you know I love you too and i know how much you care about me which i can't even begin to tell how much that means to me" that worried me. i know it could just be a really good friend and he's not up to anything but it did have me worried. that is true that if he were hiding something that maybe when i offered him to go back inside to look for it then he would've taken advantage of it. however when we were leaving my place he had 40 mins until he had to be at work and i was dropping him off at his house so he may have thought he didn't have had time to run back in to try and find it. i know, i tend to over anaylse :( thanks again to everyone for your comments, this helps me.

^It's okay, all girls over analyze, I have a tendency to do it as well. I think we should all get together, go into a deep pit and be shot to death. It's okay to feel jealous and territorial, but I guess it's about communication, is he the type to open up? If he is then let him know how you feel. I know I've had issues and the problem was he didn't open up to me and I knew it was a lost cause cuz it felt like I was talking to a wall.

I didn't read every post but let me give you some quality advice from his perspective. I happen to have two best girl friends that i've sent very similar text messages too during rough times. Situations that I wouldn't tell a girl that i've been seeing for a month, but situations that have brewed for a long time. Like I helped a best freind through an abortion, and after it was done, she would always tell me she loved me for what I did and I would also say I loved her enough to do it. I had and still have no feelings for her what so ever in that way. I have also helped a friend through some physiological abandonment issue, to which those messages would also have been sent.

Understand that some guys just reply to text messages from girls who are only best friends in a way that could look misleading. I knows its hard not to jump to conclusions, but i've sent those messages before to friends.

i'm sure a lot of girls would feel the same way as you did, i sure as hell would. nothing's wrong with feeling insecure, you do like this guy (or interested) after all. i don't know.. i have really close guy friends but i wouldn't throw around "i love you" because my bf would be hella pissed LOL

hopefully what we said has helped and don't worry too much about it.

:werd: