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Relationship & Gender DiscussionTHIS SPACE OPEN FOR ADVERTISEMENT. YOU SHOULD BE ADVERTISING HERE! The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...
[Confidential] Defaulting to 'robot mode' and won't emotionally open up
The following is an Anonymous submission from a Revscene member. If the OP would like to respond to anything said in this thread, please PM me.
This has been bothering me for a while. I want to know if anyone is like this and what you think could be the root of it so I can decide how to do something about it
Everytime I get past the chase I feel as thought I'm being forced to take certain steps into relationships, as if I'm following a script. I generally start to feel this way after the first dates. I feel completely inauthentic, and the worst part is that the girls can't seem to tell. I go through all the motions of what someone's supposed to do and say. Girls rarely do anything that surprises me or catches me off guard.
When it's getting physical sometimes I feel bored. When making out my eyes are always open. When Im having sex I feel like Im watching myself do it in 3rd person. Overall it's unsatisfying.
Now up until the whole dating->relationship thing starts, everything is fine. I enjoy the chase and can get really into it, but when I succeed in getting them I go into robot mode.
All of this is really unpleasant. It affects my relationships. They usually don't last long and I usually break it off. Then I feel better being alone for a while until logic reminds me that I actually am really looking to be with someone. And the cycle continues.
maybe Im not picking girls that are actually interesting to me. Sometimes I go for girls because its the person i feel i 'should' be going for for XYZ reason, and I can convince myself during the chase. But after that my heart is just not into these people. I rarely find a girl that totally clicks for me but i got past the whole thing about looking for the flawless person a long time ago.
but my insight to this is that it's almost like playing a captivating video game.
This is going to be long, because I can relate to this. I've gone through something very similar myself (only difference being, I'm not actively looking for that somebody).
In the early levels of the game, you feel the need to continue to the next stage to unlock an achievement, or level up to learn a new skill, or recruit a new character or buy that new item that you would ultimately bring to the final stages of the game. You never know when the main character will receive his promotion, or when you will be granted access to the weapon that you could only see the silhouette of, or when the main character's father would suddenly be murdered by the villain. Everything is fascinating because it's so refreshing.
Spoiler!
This is what most people like about the PROCESS OF "falling in love". Because everything is so refreshing. You love the chase, from working your way from level 1 to when you can finally take on the final boss. You want to work your way up from being strangers, to having that little secret between the two of you, up to that first kiss in your car, and finally up to that first night when you decide you'd take her back to your place and get romantic with her.
You also never know when that special someone just might surprise you with a bouquet of flowers, or show up at your apartment when you're sick at home and make you breakfast in bed. She might be willing to try new positions in bed, have sentimental talks with you when you're down because of work, and stuff of that nature.
Taking away all the spontaneity and originality of what makes a relationship exciting and what makes "sparks" and gives guys and gals "butterflies"; is all too much like playing a video game where you just keep leveling up and proceeding to new stages without awards, using the same weapons and the same skill-sets you had from the very beginning of the game, chasing after the same enemies that don't get any more challenging, and overall playing a suckass game.
You don't find the replay value in this game as fascinating as the original play. But you DO find it fascinating to a certain extent. Once you beat the game for the first time; twice; three times; you start questioning yourself why you're still playing this game.
You question this, but all you know is that you still like playing it over and over again, from beginning to end. You also know that you're beginning to internalize all the aspects of this game that made it so interesting to you to begin with. This is why you're getting bored.
You want to play it because it's an interesting game that offers many modes of playing (difficulty, class, heroes, story lines, whatever); but NOTHING surprises you much anymore because the structure is skeletal. You know everything: from the traps to the shortcuts to the snags to the untimely plot twist.
Spoiler!
This is what I can surmise as the reason you find relationships bland now. Each girl is different when the chase is on. They come from different backgrounds, have different wealth statuses, want different things in life, and have overall different interests. The chase is fun. The chase is almost like the leveling up and achieving new weapons and skills that you can use to further the game.
Relationships, on the other hand, are far more structured than the chase. In the chase, you can go about it in just about any way you want. For example, you can be after 5 girls at a time, trying to find the right one for you; or you could be one of 5 guys chasing after her all at the same time: the possibilities are limitless because you don't know the storyline.
Relationships are structured, so you know what to expect. You get down twice a week; once at your place and once at hers. She has a girl's night out on Thursday evenings that she doesn't want to be disturbed from, and you hit the bar with your buddies every Friday night after work. Since you have a girlfriend now, you can't mack on the chicks at the bar like your single buddies do. It's always the same, they mack, they succeed, and they tell you the process while you count the seconds until you can go home and sleep. You can't even get drunk and smoke weed with your friends any more because she doesn't like it when you do any of those things--and she somehow ALWAYS finds out. You always meet up on Sundays and spend a couple hours cuddling in front of the television, then you'd go out for a bland dinner and you'd drop her off at her place with one good night kiss that would last for exactly 2.6 seconds.
There's no excitement anymore. No excitement like there was in the chase. Heck, for all you know, at one point, you would have heard all the sentimental prep talks women can give you, to the extent where you can recite what she might say to you. And you know what? At one point or another you guys will finish trying all the different positions in the Karma-Sutra.
You don't know it, but subconsciously, you continue play the same game because you keep telling yourself: "Next time around, I'm going to try a new class and level; or try to unlock new game sequences; or try using a new hero; or try to learn more combos; or try to unlock all cutscenes and CG's, etc."
Spoiler!
This is, in my opinion, why you keep getting back into it.
Of course, not all gamers are so persistent. Some simply wish to play this game once or twice when they bought it. But just take for instance that you are this one gamer who finds this game ultimately captivating, like there was no other like it.
This is the relationship between men and women. God made us so that males and females will ultimately fuck and create babies. There is no other relationship like it.
You keep getting into it because you convince yourself the next girl might be the one, even though you know there's no such thing as "the perfect video game" with the perfect plot with the perfect characters, etc.
There are no perfect women, psh, everybody knows that. But that doesn't stop you from trying refreshing new things. The chase is on again. You want to find a new girl, different from the last. Or one that resembles all the good features of the last girlfriend and lacks all the bad ones. It's like wanting to mix and match the combination and moves that your characters can make so you can make one SUPER-character, when really, you don't actually need a super character to beat the game. But beating the game is boring.
You want to keep going because, like you said, you "actually want to be with someone". You want to keep going until you find the one that "clicks" for you.
What do you want with this video game? You want to play it until you're ultimately satisfied. How do you know when you've achieved that? When you've unlocked the game 100%, from techniques, to support conversations, to cutscenes, to combos; everything.
What do you want with your relationships with women? You want to find one that works for you in a long term relationship (I'm guessing, after reading your post). How do you know you've when you've achieved that? When in your heart, you *click* for a girl and you find her perfect.
A bit of a long read, I apologize for that.
But I tried to break it down psychologically for you. It might contain some insights for you.
i feel the exact same way. sometimes i think its the way i started that i s effecting my relationships with women in the future but what can you really do. you'll either change or you will keep repeating this same things.
im seeing this less attractive but super smart chick in an attempt to to get out of the same cycle but its the same shit. you get them to start to like them and put out and then you dont really care so much anymore. theres only so much you can do until you meet some chick that forces you out of that cycle.
__________________
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What hasn't Killed me, has made me more tolerant of RS!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: ...
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Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts
Personally, I just don't think you've met someone you truly liked yet. Have you always been dating the same type of girls? Can you actually hold conversations with the girls you date? Have fun with them?
I know what you mean by opening your eyes when you make out, I've done that before too! Haha.. and I thought I was the robot one. I then realized that I was not emotionally into the guy at all.. It's really shitty to have that over and over again dude.. I'm sorry to hear that. I'd hate to kiss that guy again because it does absolutely nothing for me and I get bored. I thought I had a problem too but then I met a guy that I really did like, and not once did I ever get bored like that. Just makes me want to close my eyes and enjoy the moment.
But before him, I was exactly like you..but girl version I guess. Nothing ever excites me and once I get the guy to like me, I start getting uninterested.
That someone will come to you.. Plus, if you're always with those other girls..How would the right one come to you? You can't get yourself interested in something that you're JUST NOT. Maybe look for someone that's not looking for a relationship? You shouldn't have to convince yourself to be in a relationship.. If you can't enjoy (have to try to enjoy) being with the other person emotionally and physically then there really is no point is there?.. esp. if it's unpleasant.
I dont think there is really nothing you can do about this...
I know this is all "the right person will come along".. but it's true haha.
but my insight to this is that it's almost like playing a captivating video game.
This is going to be long, because I can relate to this. I've gone through something very similar myself (only difference being, I'm not actively looking for that somebody).
In the early levels of the game, you feel the need to continue to the next stage to unlock an achievement, or level up to learn a new skill, or recruit a new character or buy that new item that you would ultimately bring to the final stages of the game. You never know when the main character will receive his promotion, or when you will be granted access to the weapon that you could only see the silhouette of, or when the main character's father would suddenly be murdered by the villain. Everything is fascinating because it's so refreshing.
Spoiler!
This is what most people like about the PROCESS OF "falling in love". Because everything is so refreshing. You love the chase, from working your way from level 1 to when you can finally take on the final boss. You want to work your way up from being strangers, to having that little secret between the two of you, up to that first kiss in your car, and finally up to that first night when you decide you'd take her back to your place and get romantic with her.
You also never know when that special someone just might surprise you with a bouquet of flowers, or show up at your apartment when you're sick at home and make you breakfast in bed. She might be willing to try new positions in bed, have sentimental talks with you when you're down because of work, and stuff of that nature.
Taking away all the spontaneity and originality of what makes a relationship exciting and what makes "sparks" and gives guys and gals "butterflies"; is all too much like playing a video game where you just keep leveling up and proceeding to new stages without awards, using the same weapons and the same skill-sets you had from the very beginning of the game, chasing after the same enemies that don't get any more challenging, and overall playing a suckass game.
You don't find the replay value in this game as fascinating as the original play. But you DO find it fascinating to a certain extent. Once you beat the game for the first time; twice; three times; you start questioning yourself why you're still playing this game.
You question this, but all you know is that you still like playing it over and over again, from beginning to end. You also know that you're beginning to internalize all the aspects of this game that made it so interesting to you to begin with. This is why you're getting bored.
You want to play it because it's an interesting game that offers many modes of playing (difficulty, class, heroes, story lines, whatever); but NOTHING surprises you much anymore because the structure is skeletal. You know everything: from the traps to the shortcuts to the snags to the untimely plot twist.
Spoiler!
This is what I can surmise as the reason you find relationships bland now. Each girl is different when the chase is on. They come from different backgrounds, have different wealth statuses, want different things in life, and have overall different interests. The chase is fun. The chase is almost like the leveling up and achieving new weapons and skills that you can use to further the game.
Relationships, on the other hand, are far more structured than the chase. In the chase, you can go about it in just about any way you want. For example, you can be after 5 girls at a time, trying to find the right one for you; or you could be one of 5 guys chasing after her all at the same time: the possibilities are limitless because you don't know the storyline.
Relationships are structured, so you know what to expect. You get down twice a week; once at your place and once at hers. She has a girl's night out on Thursday evenings that she doesn't want to be disturbed from, and you hit the bar with your buddies every Friday night after work. Since you have a girlfriend now, you can't mack on the chicks at the bar like your single buddies do. It's always the same, they mack, they succeed, and they tell you the process while you count the seconds until you can go home and sleep. You can't even get drunk and smoke weed with your friends any more because she doesn't like it when you do any of those things--and she somehow ALWAYS finds out. You always meet up on Sundays and spend a couple hours cuddling in front of the television, then you'd go out for a bland dinner and you'd drop her off at her place with one good night kiss that would last for exactly 2.6 seconds.
There's no excitement anymore. No excitement like there was in the chase. Heck, for all you know, at one point, you would have heard all the sentimental prep talks women can give you, to the extent where you can recite what she might say to you. And you know what? At one point or another you guys will finish trying all the different positions in the Karma-Sutra.
You don't know it, but subconsciously, you continue play the same game because you keep telling yourself: "Next time around, I'm going to try a new class and level; or try to unlock new game sequences; or try using a new hero; or try to learn more combos; or try to unlock all cutscenes and CG's, etc."
Spoiler!
This is, in my opinion, why you keep getting back into it.
Of course, not all gamers are so persistent. Some simply wish to play this game once or twice when they bought it. But just take for instance that you are this one gamer who finds this game ultimately captivating, like there was no other like it.
This is the relationship between men and women. God made us so that males and females will ultimately fuck and create babies. There is no other relationship like it.
You keep getting into it because you convince yourself the next girl might be the one, even though you know there's no such thing as "the perfect video game" with the perfect plot with the perfect characters, etc.
There are no perfect women, psh, everybody knows that. But that doesn't stop you from trying refreshing new things. The chase is on again. You want to find a new girl, different from the last. Or one that resembles all the good features of the last girlfriend and lacks all the bad ones. It's like wanting to mix and match the combination and moves that your characters can make so you can make one SUPER-character, when really, you don't actually need a super character to beat the game. But beating the game is boring.
You want to keep going because, like you said, you "actually want to be with someone". You want to keep going until you find the one that "clicks" for you.
What do you want with this video game? You want to play it until you're ultimately satisfied. How do you know when you've achieved that? When you've unlocked the game 100%, from techniques, to support conversations, to cutscenes, to combos; everything.
What do you want with your relationships with women? You want to find one that works for you in a long term relationship (I'm guessing, after reading your post). How do you know you've when you've achieved that? When in your heart, you *click* for a girl and you find her perfect.
A bit of a long read, I apologize for that.
But I tried to break it down psychologically for you. It might contain some insights for you.
I completely felt the same way in my early to mid 20's. Keep going through the cycles. There's nothing wrong with that.
But seriously, there will be one or a few that will start affecting you differently eventually. But the reasons will vary or be a combination of many variables.
*** Over time, you change
*** Over time, your priorities change
*** As you get older, the girls you meet get older
*** As you get older, the girls will be different
etc. etc.
Seriously man. When I was in my early to mid 20's, my main social ambition was to remain a bachelor til 40. Things change man. It's just a matter of when; and that's very subjective as it will differ for everyone.
i think you're in that phase in your life where you're not looking for a partner in life but just wanting to date and get to know the different types of woman.
which is fine because the more you date around the more you will start to understand yourself in terms of what you want in a woman and what you don't want. thus far, you have lost interest probably because you haven't met someone who really inspires you and makes you want to continue something on since each time the girl only possesses a few qualities you would want in ONE whole person.
never settle when it comes to "love" or a relationship that is just average. the BEST is what you want!
__________________ tiptronic: getting cut off by bicycles since 2007
I think a lot of posters are right.
I think maybe you just haven't found what you want yet. Maybe you're still testing waters to see what's good and what's not.
My friends all tell me that some day I'm going to meet a girl and she's gonna have me head over heels or even spin me into an emotional breakdown. They tell me this because for the longest time, they've only seen me having fun and meeting different people. I have zero commitment to settle down right now (okay, maybe 10% commitment 90% having fun); because I just can't seem to find somebody "worthy" of my time and commitment. And in the few cases that I actually do get into a relationships, I make it clear to everybody (yes, even to her), that I'm not actually looking for a long-term commitment: just somebody who can give me emotion rapport when I need it, and a place to stay and recharge my batteries when I don't feel like going home.
Horrible mentality, I know.
Now all that is irrelevant to the OP for the most part,
but I think maybe the OP just hasn't found the girl that would make his socks roll up and down.
To the OP, you said you feel like it becomes robotic. Your emotionally detached. to me it sounds like you get bored as all your doing is staying on the surface of a relationship. You are not delving deeper and as such the surface level gets boring. It be like floating on the top of the water for ages, and never diving deeper to see the colorful fish and coral.
Here's a suggestion. Step back from dating. Look into ways of opening yourself up a little to people. Then when you get better at it and more comfortable go out and put yourself back into the dating/relationship world.
What hasn't Killed me, has made me more tolerant of RS!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 178
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
u like the thrill of chasing but after u get it no more challenge therefore u lose interest and want to move on; in another word when u dun have u want it, when u have it u dun want it anymore...i believe this is ur case if im not mistaken, eventually one day u will chase a girl and she would not let u chase her and will break ur heart so bad u'll cry, serious...LOL
__________________
~I understand, I just don't give a sh_t...~
I was the same as you at one point until I told myself I don't wanna be a person who likes the chase. The next time you succeed your climb or whatever just try and stick with it for a while. Surely, you'll have a different outlook once you pass the robotic stage.
This happens to a lot of people. At some point it becomes a routine and you no longer really care. You just play your role and repeat the same thing day after day until you can't take it anymore. You're either not with the right person or you need to take some time off from dating and think about what you are looking for.
I'm guessing your relationships are rather short(less than 4 months). If you can just stay in it for say several more months and you will start becoming less robotic. It takes time to become emotionally attached to someone.
The following is a reply from the Anonymous Revscene member
I've read through the replies everyone has posted carefully and thoughtfully. I really appreciate the input and this thread has actually helped me gain a bit of perspective.
There are 2 things going on - I am not giving myself enough time to get past that phase. I feel like i've been a bit self-indulgent in my chase-then-bounce routine. As soon as it gets robotic, I bail too fast. Secondly, as some of you have mentioned, I think I may have been having difficulty finding a girl im actually really into - I'll keep that in mind instead of getting too upset. Glad to hear there are others here who have similar experiences to me.
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tiptronic: getting cut off by bicycles since 2007
