Learning to live with in-laws

[Delish]

^yeah, 20K on renovations for a place you don't even own is insane.

What if the parents had insisted on not taking any rent money from the couple? I understand and agree that the couple is pretty lucky that they didn't have to pay anything throughout the time they were living in the house, but shouldn't that be a separate issue from the $1000 they received as a wedding gift? Like the OP said, the parents held on to it because the bride and groom were busy. It was never intended for the in-laws to receive/keep in the first place.

And what was the mother-in-law's reason for taking out the wife's laundry? Did the entire household share a washer/dryer? If so, the wife needs to suck it up and be around to take out the laundry in time before the mother-in-law gets to it. That's just common sense.

[BallPeenHammer]

Originally Posted by ecchiecchi

Talk about ungrateful. They let you bum around at home and you sue them for it. GJ being dick to people who help you out. There are other ways to resolve conflicts, being a dick is the best way to make sure you burn bridges. It's not like the fact that they lived at home didn't help them at all in terms of finance.

Nothing to do with ungrateful.

which is the other most abused term in a family.


I came from one which abused both, so I am more inclined to not side with the parents.

Ecchiecchi, READ BETWEEN THE LINES - they dropped 20K to renovate the place. I don't believe anyone wouldn't let someone do it when they don't have to pay for it. <----EDIT: Oh really?? I must've missed that =p my bad. I thought that was one of the conditions that they'd be allowed to stay there!

When I see this kind of behaviour from parents, I can't condone it regardless. If they always think they know better, then they should behave better. Not like children. I was kinda being sarcastic about the suing thing, but really, what the parents are doing isn't helping either. =p


I should have cleared up: If the parents have an issue with them living there, this is NOT the way to try to kick them out. This is already burning the bridge as it is. If this is a sheer issue where the parents are being jerks (and I've seen it), then they'll need the proverbial wake up call. That's what I had to do (not sue) to wake up my parents and grandparents, that they can't just step all over me just because I lived at home. Mind you I was only there 'til I was 19, but before that, the way that they treated me was at time HORRIBLE. Maybe it'd fly in Asia, but for a CBC like me, it will never EVER fly, NOR would it ever be justified. Everything can be worked out. Being a flat out jerk to try to "hint" at something has never really worked.

As for the father wandering in and sitting down....that's kinda creepy, especially if my wife were to be preggers.......lack of privacy, u know?
One thing I do agree is that the husband needs to talk to the parents and see wtf is going on. Whether they're hinting at something, or they're just being mean, or they need to start paying rent, etc etc.
With the way this is going, it's just gonna blow up in everyone's face in the end.

[BallPeenHammer]

[QUOTE=Delish;6446896]
What if the parents had insisted on not taking any rent money from the couple?
QUOTE]

I've seen that happen a lot too, where one side insisted that it's ok, but it's really not? or they hang it over the other people's face all day.

ugh. it's a mess when it comes to this kind of stuff.

[ecchiecchi]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer

Nothing to do with ungrateful.

which is the other most abused term in a family.


I came from one which abused both, so I am more inclined to not side with the parents.

Ecchiecchi, READ BETWEEN THE LINES - they dropped 20K to renovate the place. I don't believe anyone wouldn't let someone do it when they don't have to pay for it. <----EDIT: Oh really?? I must've missed that =p my bad. I thought that was one of the conditions that they'd be allowed to stay there!

When I see this kind of behaviour from parents, I can't condone it regardless. If they always think they know better, then they should behave better. Not like children. I was kinda being sarcastic about the suing thing, but really, what the parents are doing isn't helping either. =p


I should have cleared up: If the parents have an issue with them living there, this is NOT the way to try to kick them out. This is already burning the bridge as it is. If this is a sheer issue where the parents are being jerks (and I've seen it), then they'll need the proverbial wake up call. That's what I had to do (not sue) to wake up my parents and grandparents, that they can't just step all over me just because I lived at home. Mind you I was only there 'til I was 19, but before that, the way that they treated me was at time HORRIBLE. Maybe it'd fly in Asia, but for a CBC like me, it will never EVER fly, NOR would it ever be justified. Everything can be worked out. Being a flat out jerk to try to "hint" at something has never really worked.

As for the father wandering in and sitting down....that's kinda creepy, especially if my wife were to be preggers.......lack of privacy, u know?
One thing I do agree is that the husband needs to talk to the parents and see wtf is going on. Whether they're hinting at something, or they're just being mean, or they need to start paying rent, etc etc.
With the way this is going, it's just gonna blow up in everyone's face in the end.

Problem is- we don't even have an idea on what the in-laws think about all of this. All i gather from this is that the wife is being a whiney little bitch about the whole issue. From all the posts made by SumAznGuy, I do not see anything about the in-laws saying anything. If anything, it seems like there has been no effort in communicating with the parents.

And I don't see how the in-laws are stepping on this couple in any way or manner. I see 4 issues in this situation here.

1) The $1000 that was held onto by the inlaws that the couple never recieved.
2) The husband's dad comes down to the basement to watch TV
3) The husband's mom takes the wife's clothes out of the dryer and into the hamper.
4) The husband's parents do not want to babysit the couple's kids

Let's break it down on how to analyze the problem here.
1) The $1000 that was held onto by the inlaws that the couple never recieved.
The first question we have to ask is- have they talked to the husband's parents about it? Did they attempt to find out why the money wasn't given to them? All I can gather is that the money never got to them and the wife is bitching about it. What effort did she put to get the money back?

2) The husband's dad comes down to the basement to watch TV
Sure it's creepy- but again, has the wife or, better yet, the husband attempted to talk to his dad about this issue? Have they communicated that the wife does not feel comfortable with the situation at hand? What have they done to resolve this matter? Bitch about how they spent $20k on renovating the house. Just because they decided to drop $20k to improve the place they live in DOES NOT mean that the basement is their property. If i spent $20k renovating my room and I tell my dad that it's my property now, He'd probably kick me in the face, give me $20k back and kick me out of the house. Why? Because that's just dumb. "Sitting on my couch" and "watching on my tv" is such a childish argument since technically speaking- they're living at "the in-law's house" and they are utilizing "in-law's electricity." If anything, this seems to be more an issue of lack of personal space. If so, it's to be expected when you're bumming of your parents house. If they want personal space- move out. Else, be fucking grateful that you can bum at your parents home and save money.

3) The husband's mom takes the wife's clothes out of the dryer and into the hamper.
I understand and accept that people have their own personality and even though I personality think it's stupid- I would understand why she'd be ticked about this. Now the question is, does the husband's mom know that the wife feels uncomfortable that the husband's mom puts her laundry into the "dirty" hamper after it dries? What I want to know is a) How many washing machine and dryers do they have in this household? and b) Have they communicated the fact that the wife doesn't like to have her clean clothing put into the "dirty" hamper after drying?

4) The husband's parents do not want to babysit the couple's kids
Like I said in my earlier posts, it's the in-laws right to choose if they want to babysit the kids or not. Go ask the wife's parents or go hire a baby sitter. The wife has bitches about the husband's parents and suddenly they want them to take care of their kids? If people here think this is how it should be, then I've lost hope in society. Your parents don't owe you jackshit after they've done their job in raising you properly- to my understanding, that's how western culture works.

Now- after reading and re-reading, I see no signs of the husband's parents wanting the young couple to move out of the household. All I see is the wife jumping to conclusions, bitching and not doing anything to help the situation. Bitching doesn't solve anything- If it makes her feel better, good for her- but it still doesn't solve jack shit. If things get solved just by bitching about it, we would probably have world peace by now.

Oh, let's not forget- The fact that the husband's parents allowed the couple to stay and live with them has allowed the husband to purchase 2 condos that, more or less, pay for themselves. Seeing how this will benefit the couple more than anyone in the long-run, I don't see how they shouldn't be grateful to the husband's parents.

If the couple can't even resolve simple problems like these then I don't think they're ready to have kids.

[BallPeenHammer]

^ That last line, I can definitely agree with.

[SumAznGuy]

Originally Posted by ecchiecchi

If the couple can't even resolve simple problems like these then I don't think they're ready to have kids.

A lot of well thought out points that I totally agree with.
As far as I know, they only have the one washer and dryer machine.
Wife's parents live in Vancouver, and it would be an extra 30 minute drive out of the way from the wifes drive to work to drop off the baby and the parents place. So 30 minutes there and 30 minutes to work would mean an extra hour to her commute to work.

I can only assume they talked to the parents and the parents were ok with them living at home before the newly weds dropped $20K on the reno's. As for getting the money back after the sale of the house, I would assume no since they are living rent free. But at the same time, the basement wasn't finished and the parents have never rented it out. One of the other siblings got married and moved out, and the husband and his family are very close which is another reason why he wanted to stay at home after the wedding.

About them not ready to have kids is the one thing that really bothers me about our society. You have to be 19 to be legal to drink/smoke/or gamble.
You have to 18 to be legal to vote.
You have to be 16 to get your drivers liscence.
You can have kids any time as long as the girl and boy are old enough to get the job done.

No back ground check, no financial checks and balances. But that is another topic all together.

I do not agree with their financial descisions or concept of "investing". But to be strentched so thin and to bitch about such things that they brought upon themselves.

[hotjoint]

just move out, consider the $1000 lost and they shouldnt be complaining since they are living for free.

[cheung20]

I want to double check sth. When the OP said a large sum of money, I was thinking at least like 10K, not 1. But if it is indeed the 1K, why the fuck is she getting pissed? She has to be pretty calculative... in the first place.

Also, the husband fucked them up gd. He doesn't talk to his parents, entered the housing market at peak (as suggested by OP), so really, it's not even about moving out or not.

they simply won't move out. This is adverse to what the husband's goal is about "getting caught up financially" so as a son, he sees no probs living with the parents cuz he's been there all along. Also, if he sells for a lost, in his mind, it'll be like all these years of work for the mortgage was just a big waste of time and effort.

I'm just assuming this is how the guy feels and is probably why he doesn't do anything to change the current situation. OP, please correct/clarify

[underscore]

ok, your friends are, simply put, idiots.

The $1k - they should have mentioned much, much earlier. I can understand how you'd want it as it came from a friend but they waited too long.

The $20k reno - talk to the parents prior to moving out, see if they're willing to pay any or it back, but don't expect much if anything. your friends are the ones who dropped 20k to reno the basement, chances are it could have been done for a lot less.

The babysitting - don't the parents get a combined 1 year off from work for maternity leave? so if the wife is pregnant now, and they're asking about babysitting, are they not implying that they will still be living in the parents place a year or so from now when the maternity leave runs out? that's 3 years they'll have been living there by that point. Also consider that retired people who have already raised their own kids most likely do not want to spend 8 hours a day with a newborn baby.

The condos - your friend is again an idiot for trying to "keep up with the Jones'" by buying 2 condos because he thought he was behind everyone else. fuck everyone else! do whats right for you. 40 year mortgages are long and kind of a bad idea as well.

so like many other people said, they need to MOVE THE FUCK OUT. sell one or both of the condos. even if they take a bit of a loss, if they had zero down on the one, and have renters paying it off, anything they do get out of it is really just free money. relax more and find a solid daycare on one of their commutes. oh and do not let these idiots have another kid, one traumatized child is enough.

[SoulCrusher]

They shouldve asked for the 1000$ back a while ago - not now. Although it seems like a lot, relatively its not considering their living arrangements. If they were renting elsewhere, 1000$ would pay 1 month worth of rent.

I think your friend is faced with 3 options:
1 - simply move out
2 - suck it up
3 - offer to pay for rent or other monthly expenses. Until they stop being freeloaders, they have no say as to how the house should be run.

[SoulCrusher]

^ forgot to add: your friends wife sounds like a whiny bitch. He should talk to her and remind her whose house they are living in

[ctsport]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer

The father should not be roaming. I'd FLIP OUT at him.
my own father knows not to touch ANYHTING at my place unless he asks first.
cuz it's MY SHIT.

REGARDLESS.

They spent 20K reno'ing the place, is still 20K. The parents should be thankful to some extent.

If I were them, I'd tie up all loose ends, take my $1,000 back (which they have NO right to take) and move into one of the apartments.

Then I'd sue them for the 20K just to show'em u can't fucking people around just because u're related. IMO, Asians are THE worst for that.

god knows how many times ppl in my family use that word to their own advantage. Until I say "stfu, u got nothing on me"

Haha you are pathetic, just like this couple, maybe worse.

So these two have been freeloading of the generosity of their parents for years, rent and utilities free and not only are they ungrateful, but they're whining about some chump change.

And as for the money spent on renovations, errr, no one held a gun to their head. Spending money on renovations is like spending money on brand name clothing, no one needs them, they're a luxury. The couple blew the money, not the parents, why do the parents owe them anything for it? LOL

If I had friends like these, I would smack some sense into them. THEY are the ones who OWE their parents big time. Not the other way around. THEY are the ones TAKING ADVANTAGE of the parents. THEY are the ones who DON'T BELONG in that house.

Its sickening to read all these comments from cheap Revscener's thinking that the parent's actually owe those two ungrateful SOB's anything LOL.

[AWDTurboLuvr]

Tell your friends to move out...and I'll gladly move in to live rent free. The Dad can come down to watch my TV all he wants...and play COD4 with me too if he so desires. I can understand if you are broke (like real broke, not own two fuckin' condos broke), and need to live with the parents to save money. Then again, they thought it was wise to spend 20K to renovate the parents basement.

I will say that I love my parents, but I will never live at home again.

[TracerFX]

1K is a laughable sum in respect to his current living situation, they are not broke, do they really need the money? Rent free for 2 years is pretty awesome. 1K is like an average rent for a month in Vancouver (condos), 500-800 for a basement, So I'll help revise their statement, they live rent free for 23 months. Tell them to get over it and move on.

Originally Posted by SumAznGuy

Ironically, the whole reason they own 2 condo's that are being rented out is because the husband felt they were behind financially and tried to rush things by buying 2 units. It's hard to grasp, I know. I feel the same way.
1 unit they put money down. The other unit is based on zero down. Both are 40 year mortgages from a few years ago.

He is financially retarded and possibly just retarded in general. Why would you start a family (marriage + possible child) and spread yourself so thin by buying 2 condos? What was going through his mind?? he clearly have not thought things through. With that said, the wife is retarded too for going along with all his retarded decisions. The operative word here is retarded.

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

sorry, chinese parents, they own you if you live under their roof, even if you contribute 100% to the maintenance of the place. they're chinese what the fuck do they expect? they parents are elder, therefore gods to the younger ones. there's no way out of that man.

Tell your friends to remember those 2 words. That's the stereotype, but its true, what do they expect??

Originally Posted by SumAznGuy

But if it was me, I would think it is weird for the dad to come downstairs and watch the tv, just like I think it is weird to go upstairs to watch the parent's tv.

Is it just me or is this normal, i mean if i live in my dad's house, he has the right to watch any tv in the house, and i have the right to do so as well, and not feel weird abt it. Things are diff if say you were watching something and he comes down and changes the channel. For the record I am chinese and i have chinese parents