Guide to getting rid of bedbugs:
Bedbugs are nasty ass fuckers who will fuck your shit up on a regular basis. By regular I mean whenever their everything resistant crotchspawn eggs decide to hatch. This can be anywhere from now to 18 months from now. Spraying eggs won't kill them, they just let that shit slide. Here's a sliding scale or best practices depending on the options available to you, stank ass mofo.
1. Move out, leave everything.
This is the most sure way of dealing with the problem. Especially if you have room/housemates who be the stank ass mofos (riiight) and keep their shit clean. Damn. The porn ain't worth it son, just go.
2. Move out, bring things.
Well you can move but you really just can't let go of the Ai Nagase, Yumi Lee or whatever the fuck you goddamn perv. Clean everything you bring with you, 50+ degree C for 2 minutes minimum to kill those eggs. Bag that shit like you hittin' that same east side ho what brought you the stowaways last week. This won't help with your crabs now. Bitch. If you're going this route and have been bitten tons (bitch), try to leave the bed frame, mattress and sofa behind. Anything with a wood frame is suspect. You're still a bitch. That can be fixed later though.
3. Don't move out, clean the fuck out of the place. Apply substeps listed below.
This is because, well let's face it, you can't move out of your parents place and they didn't say anything about the ho so you just want to keep a good thing going nameen? More money for you, more guilt-ridden blowjobs from them. Remember to tell them to tell you how much they enjoy it. Watch as the stowaways, either kids or dinner as she calls 'em, crawl up her backside and launch themselves at your sickly sweet flesh. Maybe they'll do a little happy dance after gorging on your blood (you'll know because they'll be swollen to like double the size dude, sick).
Anyways back on topic. Clean everything, like you were gonna move out into someplace clean that isn't a goddamn hobbit hole underneath rotting floorboards that squeak with every little thrust of your dad in your mom, or your mom in your dad, or your moms and pops tag teaming the ho because they had crack and you only had money. Scandalous dawg. Clean it, clean it good. Anything porous, steam clean the wood frame, launder the sheets, everything in your drawers. This is war motherfucker. Scorched earth bitch. You're *still* a bitch. Once your shit really does smell like roses we can continue with getting the place ready for Candy next week. Or was it Crystal? Crystal with a K? Pronounced Kristaaahhhl because MTV says it's classy? Who da ho now?
Substeps: The Cleaning.
Most bug sprays don't do jack shit. Bedbugs be all like "This shit just gets me real clean, ready for my date three meal date with yo thighs." If they're alive and running it might get them. That's coo. But the eggs they laid the night before? 18 month span right there. If they get 2 feet from where they hatched they will kill you motherfucker. Gut you like a navy seal. Skull fuckery is day one for these hardcore gestatin' peeps. And they got a whole clutch of homeys and ain't none of 'em gonna wait for no invite. Facebook privacy ain't gonna help you now. Their shells? Kryptonite proof. Supes took like a whole fucking ton of their *discards* in DC 1,000,000 and made himself fucking armor that will shit blood and pain on you if'n you so much as look mean in it's general direction. We need some otha shit.
Your weapons: Neem oil or Eucalyptus oil, Diatomaceous Earth. If you say DE and giggle I will burn all your animu and that pirate CS key you spent a year "l33t-h4xing" for.
Steal your mom/roomie/hooker/abusive SO's credit card and get these things. They'll beat you now but they'll thank you later and that's all that means anything to you isn't it? Well too bad because the beating is a thank you. Now fight with that for the rest of your life. Still a bitch huh? Bitch.
You're asking questions already? Goddamn but my nightstick has been lonely and your asshole looks about the right size. Gaping.
Neem -OR- Eucalyptus? Neem is the better natural repellent of the two but is sometimes harder to find and more expensive. Also it smells like peanuts. Don't worry though, I'm sure MC Chris will rap about it and you'll jizz all over his album because, well, nerdcore is so you. Just don't max out that card yet or else you'll be an dweeb punching bag bug meal for the rest of your short ass life. We still need the DE.
Diatomceous Earth, DE. Usually sold as ant killer of some type. We don't need the pesticide laden ones. That's harmful for kitties and you don't want Mr. Snuggles to run away now do ya? Don't kid yourself, he's just using you because you're fucking easy like that. Also he's a she but she won't tell you and you won't ever find out on your own. She doesn't want you to know because who knows how desperate you'll become after the good times end? This shit is a drying agent. That means it dries shit. Guess what bugs are made of? Yeah no, don't be talking back about no exo whatever, Cory sells that on the corner and it's wicked trip but damn you will crash hard. What the fuck is drugs doing on your mind right now anyway? We're at war you slimeslick! Didn't you hear the fucking bugle? Jesus, even the bugleboy got more balls than you. He doesn't even have a gun for fighting off this apocalypse hoard. Pair's are 29.99 from Mr. Lee, go get some later will ya? If that's too much Cory will let you borrow his but you'll be a tenor for a little while with a monkey on your back knowhutimsayin? Of course you do.
Now these fuckers we at war with? Devious. Sometimes they zig, but get this, sometimes they zag. That's like some next level shit. Your level 70? No chance cockmonger. These guys are level 71. And they're raiding you. Unsafe. They're like motherfucking ninjas up in your shit. If they come from underneath your bed/mattress/frame/rotting oak board they'll get ya. Home base a little farther? No problem. They will crawl on the ceiling until they can feel your heat and drop on you. DFA no doubt. Shit is righteous. Them aaaaand their whole crew. They don't play holmes, none of that CS "let's spell crew with a KAAAAAAY" bullshit. No bullshit at all. Just comin' from all sides like you did when you thought that japanese girl on Robson was Ai come to make your dreams come true dickcheeseassturd.
So get this, we're setting traps. Mix some oil and water and DE in a spray bottle. Now spray the floor with it, bottom edges of the wall, around your bed, wherever. We takin' it back to the jungle yo. Next step could be your last bitch so better respect yo self an pray a minute before you put your foot down. That's what's UP. Pixar ain't got shit on this. Blizzard? Pussies.
They will walk all over that if the oil ain't as bad to them as you are to me. You find your floor covered in little husks? That's the husk of victory son. And it's delicious. So scoop all those dried out little shits out and sprinkle 'em on your cocaine puffs in the morning and crunch crunch crunch. It's like painting your warface or eating your enemies children except with more protein and less shittasticism. While we're on ism's I want my nightstick back and you better clean it off. Out of TP? You know what to do.
Now hop to.
Last edited by DragonsMaw; 06-08-2009 at 01:36 AM.