Married and emailed an ex

[Alpine]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. You've had a really tough go at it lately and it's only human nature to reach out or reminisce about good times. Once you and your wife get back on your feet i'm sure you'll forget all about your ex.

Think about this: If everything was great with your wife, she made it though med school, your business was making you a millionaire, and yet you still reached out/reminisced/thought about your ex on a frequent basis..... then I would say that there's an issue there.

Give yourself a break buddy and don't be too hard on yourself over nothing.

[jameswift]

Originally Posted by 6793026

I do not understand how your wife "ruined your life and did very little to help." I mean, if the business failed, it failed, unless she was suppose to be helping or a services that involving her directly. I really don't see how her actions justifies her wrong doing. No offence, I'm pretty much guessing your business just sucked and that was pretty much it. Stop blaming your wife.

Take away the fillers; your X, your fail did bad in school, pretty much it's just you. 'Waiting for things to settle' before getting married was not the problem. It's YOU trying to find a scapegoat, YOU not realizing marriage takes work, and yes, when you say for better or for worse.... it's literally means for better or for worse.

I do give props to you for not cheating on your wife and hopnig the economy picks up again to get a job, but get some help. Stop pointing fingers at her, point them at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make the situation better.

Maybe I can explain the situation and then you can make an more informed opinion. I do agree with you that in the end, nobody put a gun to my head. The choices I made are the choices I made.

My parents left me with about $500,000 USD and at the time I had already worked in the mortgage industry making about $35,000 a year.

When my parents passed, I used $200,000 for a downpayment on my home ($400,000 mortgage) and the rest went into my business. My business was a mortgage business with 6 employees. It did not start off this way but it grew with a an outside sales guy, some inside telephone reps and a mortgage underwriter.

Even though there was a mess unfolding in the US, we had a niche market. We were financing to businesses that had money on the books elsewhere but could not get traditional financing from banks. We also worked on finding foreclosures for clients and buying them cheap, charging a premium and then setting up a mortgage with the property. After paying all expenses the business was generating a decent amount of cash (over $200k).

Now, while this is good money, I also knew that the mess in the US was going to take a long time to play out and I laid off one of my telephone reps and one of the underwriters. I also had stockpiled a bunch of cash in reserves to pay for things such as my mortgage, and also to carry the business as I knew there were going to be some tough issues.

Problem #1.

My wife wanted to go to med school and had no time to do anything. I had to do the laundry, do the dishes, all the cooking and cleaning etc. so she could focus on school and only school. I know it is her dream so I made that sacrifice. I was going to lay off my outside sales guy and do the roll myself on top of running the business but due to all the extra stuff I had to do at home, I just did not have the time. I kept him which cost me a lot of money.

Sometimes I would come home and my wife is on youtube and I'm like ummm... what are you doing? She's like oh, I'm just taking a break. I understand people need to take breaks so okay whatever. Now that she flunked out of school, it's pretty obvious that it's her work ethic.

Problem #2

I knew that the economy was in the crapper and was going to stay there or get worse in some industries like mine. I knew this and rather than go out and buy a lambo or buy diamonds, I stock piled that cash aside to carry us through these rough times. Her school costs $42,000 per year.

I should have had her get a student loan and I suggested it but she said the idea of owing a bunch more money would just make her more stressed and she wouldn't be able to do as well. So.... I said okay.

My ex was the kind of person that if she needed a dollar, she'd bust her ass, and earn it. That's why I said it's not about the money. It's about hard work ethic. Even when the economy picks up, it's not easy to get a $300,000 business loan when it's for infrastructure with nothing more than computers, paper etc. If I'm making even $50,000 a year, how long is going to take to save up $300,000? How long is going to take to buy a home for even $300,000?

If my wife didn't fail at school, then my sacrifice would have had some meaning. If I knew she was going to fail, I would have just said forget it, not helped her or told her to wait until things smooth out (which you can't really do once you're already in med but that's beside the point).

I feel like I've given everything and I got nothing back. That's why I'm mad. If she pulled her own weight, contributed or did something perhaps I could see it but I figured that even if all hell broke lose and my business derailed at least my wife would be a doctor. It's her dream and it's a dream that would have been able to pay me back or at least help us pay the mortgage until things improved.

[iam_dan]

maybe you feel like you wanted to contact your ex because the memories of her reminded you of better times.

[!Yaminashi]

I really hope she's paying for her schooling this time around..

[Dinan3]

What about your wife's savings? Did she contribute in buying a house with you?

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

I'm sorry, even though your wife is a potential medical doctor, you still have to realise this, you are the man of the relationship, she doesn't HAVE to pull her own weight, she is a woman.

it's just that plain and simple buddy, i don't care what other women or men tell you, we still live in a man's world, a man has to take care of his wife, you will have to give 100% and expect nothing back.

that being said, the things a woman can provide her husband are not tangable. yeah yeah she has a vagina, sex etc whatever, i'm not talking about that shit. a wife only has one job in the world, to bare and raise your children to the best of her abilities and make you feel like a man, and give you emotional support when you most need it.

a shit load of people are gonna disagree with me, but whatever, fuck you, you're wrong, and if your marriage works differently, great, good for you, you're the minority, and you're special, go be special somewhere else, cuz most people aren't like you.

I'm obviously a lot more traditional than most people.

You are the man, you should CONSIDER her wants, and CONSIDER her advice, but at the end, you are the one who pulls the trigger and you are responsible for everything. You only learn from your mistakes, perhaps next time, you need to be more "realistic" and look at her from a point of view that isnt yours. perhaps she isnt made to be a doctor, perhaps you should stop funding what she wants, and fund what you need to do to get your business off the ground. your business can potentially make more, than she will ever, and she's not even a doctor yet. plus, c'mon for real, you should not rely on her at all in your long term financial plan, any money she makes should just be her own happy shopping money and if she does happen to make a lot, then great, it's a bonus ON TOP of what you have.

Don't get me wrong, women are very capable, at many things us men are shit at, but be realistic, men have been doing what men have been doing for much longer than women. and vice versa. Women's roles in society isn't any less important, we need them just as much as they need us, but we have different roles, and these roles have different responsibilities.

So now what? is she trying to get back into school? what about her parents? shouldn't THEY be helping her out?

You are a husband now, you have priorities, and they're like this:
1.) the well being of your family
2.) whatever else.

do you see my point, the well being of your family does not include whether or not your wife is a doctor, fuck that shit, some people aren't meant to be what they want. From my perspective, a doctor has to be as strong as a soldier, at least mentally, or they aren't much use of a doctor now are they?

now all this being said, it comes down to this, if you are not willing to bare 100% responsibility of your wife's actions, she is not the right one for you.

It's that fucking simple.

I've said it before, a relationships greatness is not measured by how long it lasted, or by how much time/effort/money you invested in it.

A woman is a long term investment, and like any investment, the hardest part is cutting loose and accepting the loss. Most people don't cut their losses, and hang on forever, hoping for it to turn around, it usually never does.

There comes a time when you have to ask yourself this: your woman is a loss right now, and you don't feel good about it, but can you turn that loss into a win? and be truthful and honest to yourself, because if you don't it will be the end of you. if you decide that she's salvageable, and that she's worth it, then quit your bitching, because it's not her fault then, it's no one's fault.


I'd prioritize on keeping the mortgage payments going, and somehow finding enough money to get your business up and running again, even if that means pulling your wife outta school, telling her to get a job, and bust her ass so she can have a taste of what real work feels like, with real responsibilities, like when you don't make enough it's not simply just "i can't pay for class", it's "i'm going to be living on the streets", and not just merely fucking "academic pressure" (cuz really, there are no real consequences in that world, the word pressure and academia shouldn't ever be in the same sentence). when she has real responsibilities to you, she'll know how hard you had to work just for her to have failed out. that plus from what people have said, she can always get back in and continue her studies later, and if that's true, great, cuz investing 42 000 USD per year on something that might not even give you any returns, during a time when money is tight is the dumbest idea ever.

I know it's her dream to be a doctor. I one of my ex's, her dream was to be an art gallery owner, even though I knew she doesn't have the ability to successfully sustain one and turn it into a real business, but i woulda thrown the money down and let her open one up and run it to the ground, but only when i had the money to throw away. you don't have that right now. So I know what it feels like don't get me wrong, anything just to see your woman smile right? but a dream is just that, a dream, it is not necessarily the best thing to do, nor is it usually realistic. perhaps she'd make a great doctor, perhaps my ex woulda made a great art director, but u know what, who knows and who fucking cares, because it's not important when you're financially stressed. money first, dreams later buddy. money does make the world go around, those who disagree either have too much of it, or have never had a taste of what real money really is.

I know I didn't really answer anything, but you didn't really ask a specific question. I didn't really explain my first reply either, you did the right thing because you did what you had to do to make you feel better at the time, she couldn't provide the one thing that she should be able to provide when you need it most, so you turned to the next closest person that could, regardless of whether she reads or replies the email, that's a whole different story. We all know, if the situation were reversed, she would have contacted her ex with less second thought than you did. This whole thing isn't about you getting back with your ex, or whether or not you should break it off with your wife, it's about you getting back on your feet again.

[!Yaminashi]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

I'd prioritize on keeping the mortgage payments going, and somehow finding enough money to get your business up and running again, even if that means pulling your wife outta school, telling her to get a job, and bust her ass so she can have a taste of what real work feels like, with real responsibilities.

There, right there!

/end thread

[butter_sashimi]

There are also ppl who do med school and live alone. How are their dishes and laundry get done? Really sounds like she has shitty work ethic. Tell her to hit the loans if she wants to try again.
U worry about the household expenses and sustaining ur life, like ulic said.
Posted via RS Mobile

[godwin]

They don't get it done.. simple as that.. they don't have time to do anything. Really.

Originally Posted by butter_sashimi

There are also ppl who do med school and live alone. How are their dishes and laundry get done? Really sounds like she has shitty work ethic. Tell her to hit the loans if she wants to try again.
U worry about the household expenses and sustaining ur life, like ulic said.
Posted via RS Mobile

[godwin]

Actually Canadian system is all government subsidized. That's why the entry is so much more competitive and once graduate , the specializations (you need one to be a doctor) Canadians come first and administered centrally across the country.

Originally Posted by jameswift

My wife is taking some classes (3 currently) trying to figure out where she went wrong. Admittance back into med school after you fail is not something you can just walk back into. She is in the US, we both are, but Canada is not any different.

[6793026]

Originally Posted by Gt-R R34

So my 2 pennies tell me, your comments should not be taken into account unless you've run a business.

Good point Gt-R. Oh, I've ran 4 businesses. 3 of them failed. My first business was in 2001, failed. I still have 3 business running now, and of all of them, they are still failing right know and it's been 4 years without profit and I still have a day job. Not sure if that helps.

Thx for posting more of the situation and your failed business. It does give us a bit more of a perspective. Hopefully you'll find a way to move on, make things better regardless of what happened before, cause deep down, you do want to to make this work? Question is, what are you doing to do.

When i fight with my X, it has to have a rule, nothing from the past can be bought up. Only new suggestions to make things better can be discussed and it sort of worked well.

[600rr]

in sickness and in health, this is her sickness, stick through it and stop emailing your ex, she will not bring your business back to life nor make your wife a doctor. She will complicate your life and to a point where you wish you didn't email her.

Quit while you're ahead.

[Gridlock]

There is some solid advice in this thread.

Ulic-top notch bro. I disagree with your assessment of a woman's role, but you expected that.

Tell the bitch to get a job. It's time that she feels the cold touch of the real world on her shoulder.

My opinion? Don't bother with the ex. This is so not about her. If you think a little strange might help, find d some without the emotional involvement, fuck out your problems and go on home.

And dude...hire a fucking maid. They are a business expense. You kept an ouside sales rep on staff because you had to do the laundry? Fuck that. Hire a maid for 20/hour, nuke the rep and save your business. That one fact concerns me and saves your wife in my opinion. She didn't tank your business. You did.

I really get that you are looking hard to blame the wife, and to that end you will fuck the one person that would really fuck shit up on the home front. You think she won't find out?

But that's what you want. You can wrap up all the problems with the wife and throw them all away in one move.

[Gridlock]

Re-read it...

"While the business failed, the main reason for the business failing is because of my wife. "

Stop blaming her! YOU WROTE THE CHECK. You made an investment in your wife and it blew. End of story.

You could have saved your business. How much did you say the house was worth?