[Confidential] Not finding a reason

[El Bastardo]

The following is an Anonymous submission by an Anonymous Revscene member. If the member would like me to reply to any post please feel free to let me know

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years and it's practically like we're married. We moved into my apartment after year 2 and it's been great. We split the bills, she does most of the cooking, cleaning, and recently I've put her name under the apartment. I'm 29 and she's 28, we both have stable jobs and I'm loving life as is.

Now the problem is she wants us to get married. She feels that since we are like a married couple we might as well get married and that makes her happy. The way I see it is, since we do seem like we are practically married why sign the papers? I don't see any reason why I need to get married. On the other hand she brings up that it's something she really wants and it shows my commitment to her. She said she doesn't need the big party or a fancy ring; all she wants is being married to me. She even said we could just go to city hall as the ceremony doesn't matter much. I do feel she is the one but I just don't see the whole point in getting married and never had plans to.

We've been talking about this a lot lately and her hints are getting more and more obvious. She said she may leave as I cannot provide her with what she wants out of this relationship. I'm not sure what to think. I'd like to hear your thoughts and some guidance. Thank you.

[What_the?]

at that age, she pretty much just needs the guarantee of the title IMO...

It's not an unreasonable request since she's almost 30... and as she gets older, if for whatever reason you decide to pick up and leave for some hot 21 year old, she'll be left pretty high and dry... yes, even though marriage wouldn't necessarily stop you from doing that, but it's about as much commitment as you can have...

The fact that she isn't even requesting a fancy ring or ceremony is already pretty unheard of... i'd really just think carefully about it, and either propose, or if she isn't the one you want to spend your life with, then stop wasting her time and be over with it

[RacePace]

If it is like you are practically married, is she worth a little inconvenience to sign a few papers? I think usually when guys ask why they should get married, they are subconsciously scared of being tied down.

[Presto]

It doesn't get any easier than this. No big wedding. No planning stress. No big-ass rock. All you gotta do is agree, and it's done with minimal effort. If you love her, and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then there aren't many answers other than yes. If not, then stop wasting her time and get out.

I only wish it was that easy!!

[Graeme S]

It seems like what she wants is just to be able to say "husband and wife". It's a chick thing. We all say that we live in an equal world where women and men can live exactly the same and all that.

But we don't. Girls still have that dream of being married and settling down, and all that. White dress or no, there's a big difference in a girl's mind between "commonlaw" and "husband". If you really care about her, then you should just sign the damned papers. Really, it won't result in any difference in your daily lives, nor will it result in any differences should you break up (commonlaw spouseship starts at 1 year IIRC).


Just suck it up and sign the papers. The only thing you have to lose is your relationship.

[Drow]

if ur in a happy and stable relationship with her, why you trippin over getting married? unless you're scared of being tied down ( which i think is the case ) just get it over with as it'll have no effect on you after you two are married anyway.

i heard there are some tax exempt or reductions for married couples in canada is that true?

[Gt-R R34]

Why not sign the papers?
Would that ultimately affect you in anyway shape or form?

In the ultimate terms of legality, you have no difference from husband/common-law, as she shares the bills/house with you, there is no difference financially. As that is, why not sign some papers.

Hell she needs no rock/no fancy wedding/no ceremony/no church. All she wants is a signature on a paper.

Do it!
You feel she's the one, nothing like making her happy with a signature. You sign your name like 5-6 times a day anyways buying things.

She sounds like a keeper to me

In Canada, the legal definition and regulation of common-law marriage fall under provincial jurisdiction. A couple must meet the requirements of their province's Marriage Act for their common-law marriage to be legally recognized.

According to the Canada Revenue Agency, as of 2007, a common-law relationship is true if at least one of the following applies:

a) the couple have been living in a conjugal relationship for at least 12 continuous months;

b) the couple are parents of a child by birth or adoption; or

c) one of the couple has custody and control of the child (or had custody and control immediately before the child turned 19 years of age) and the child is wholly dependent on that person for support.

For a full, up to date CRA description go here: Marital Status

In many cases common-law couples have the same rights as married couples under federal law. Various federal laws include "common-law status," which automatically takes effect once two people (of any gender) have lived together in a conjugal relationship for five full years. Common-law partners may be eligible for various federal government spousal benefits. As family law varies between provinces, there are differences between the provinces regarding the recognition of common-law marriage.

In British Columbia a person who has lived and cohabited with another person, for a period of at least 2 years is considered a common law spouse according to the "Estate Administration Act"

[raygunpk]

that's the most perfect situation ever. one thing i'm worried about is the cost of the ring/wedding party and all that. i watch those wedding shows on channel 41 and the weddings are all usually 20k+ not counting the rings.

you're in a great situation with nothing to lose, unless you have some side thing going on you're not telling us.

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the Anonymous member

I know maybe this may sound as if its just the matter of signing some papers but it's more than that. I know some married couples and have talked with people whom have been married for a long time. There's always going to be a change, usually for the worst. If things are fine just as, then why get married to potentially turn this relationship into something else? Or how about if I put it the other way around and say...if she loves me, why won't she accept it?

[leelu]

You never know unless you get married if the situation gets better or not, not everyone's marriage life isn't hell.

Seems to me that with your negative attitude towards marriage it just might turn into a negative situation after marriage. if you keep going on with your life thinking that you really didn't have to get married and things like that, your marriage life WILL suffer. So don't get married because you want to make her happy or that other people are telling you to suck it up, get married because YOU want to. When you both find that marriage will be a good choice, chances are your life after marriage will be good too.

Find a reason that works for you to get married, whether it be because you want to spend the rest of your life with her (and giving her wedding vows could be a nice way of promising her that) or that you want to have children and it would be easier to call yourself husband and wife.

I know I wouldn't want to marry someone who will always have a marriage=bad mentality in his head. that would just be a potential time bomb

So be optimistic and stop thinking of what can go wrong and start thinking of possibly starting a new chapter in your life.

[The_AK]

I think you should make the best of the situation.
She's expecting you to just go somewhere and sign the papers. Of course this would be kind of a boring approach to marriage. Instead of simply signing the papers and making it what it is, simply a signage of papers, take her out somewhere and propose to her. Make it unexpected and memorable, this would be a positive approach to marriage and you would be surprising her with the commitment.

[FI-Z33]

^ i totally agree with leelu

you guys already took the step to move in togehter and you're "practically married" as you say..why not just get along with it and take the next big step?
as a girl, i think if i were to be that age going onto 30, i'd wanna be married..just imo

[ecchiecchi]

Time to break up~! =D

Sounds like you're just making tons of excuses not to be tied down. You already stated every reason to get married with this girl, but you're finding excuses not to.

I think she's already compromised a lot by saying she doesn't want to have a fancy wedding or a nice ring. She's already considered your feelings. If you do think that you really love her and she's a keeper, then you should consider her feelings too.

[Graeme S]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a reply from the Anonymous member

I know maybe this may sound as if its just the matter of signing some papers but it's more than that. I know some married couples and have talked with people whom have been married for a long time. There's always going to be a change, usually for the worst. If things are fine just as, then why get married to potentially turn this relationship into something else? Or how about if I put it the other way around and say...if she loves me, why won't she accept it?

How do you know it's usually for the worse? Usually for the worse for who?

FYI, as of 2001 (the latest year I could find stats for) in the first four years of marriage (those where couples are most likely to divorce) the proportion of divorces is 72 out of 1,000. That's right. Seven percent.




Take that last question and turn it around yourself: if you love her, why don't you just accept it? She's looking to move forward and grow in the relationship, she wants to commit for the rest of your lives...so where's the negativity coming from?

[simsimi1004]

don't do it
look at gene simmons
he didnt get married and now he's multi millionaire!

bring on the fails~

[Culture_Vulture]

Take it from the guy who supports single moms.

If I were in your shoes, I would just sign the papers and move along with it.

[What_the?]

It is true that things could get worse, or the love may die down and so on and so forth...

Spending the rest of your life together with her means that it is "for better... or for worse"... Not being willing to move forward with this step just sends her a signal that you're ready to jump ship the moment the "for worse" part comes... Noone wants to be in that position. Think about it this way, if you got into a freak accident and lose a limb or two or develop some weird illness and she peaced out on you, how would you feel? She's willing to commit to you "for better or for worse"... not everyone can say they have someone like that.

However, that being said, if she's not the one, then she isn't the one... noone can force you to be with her, but figure it out soon so noone's time is wasted.

[underscore]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a reply from the Anonymous member

I know maybe this may sound as if its just the matter of signing some papers but it's more than that. I know some married couples and have talked with people whom have been married for a long time. There's always going to be a change, usually for the worst. If things are fine just as, then why get married to potentially turn this relationship into something else? Or how about if I put it the other way around and say...if she loves me, why won't she accept it?

Well if you insist on being negative about this, I'll be negative too. If you don't get married she said she's likely to leave you. Now if you've been together for 5 years, and you love this woman, then even if one slight technicality makes your relationship a bit worse, the alternative is as bad as it could get - she'd be gone.

Now flipping to the plus side, she said no big wedding or anything but personally I'd do the proposal like stated above and do have a little ceremony, even with just you two, siblings, parents and grandparents perhaps. Let her know that you aren't just doing it because she pushed the issue, that you're doing it because you love her and love being with her.

In addition, you never said anything about the honeymoon. Potential 2 weeks of bangin in a tropical paradise, no work or anything, hello!

[Noir]

Been there, done that.

You don't feel the necessity of marriage because you're a "guy" and just only hitting 30. You're still suitable for many opportunities from females aging in the early 20's to late. An age group where there's still a lot of available suitors.

Women approaching 30 do not. Their opportunities in their age group and above narrow unless they date younger men; who most likely are still in the "fun" stages of their life.

You're only 30 now but would you say the same thing if you were 40 and no 20 year olds would date you, and the 30 year old crops are sparse? I know you love her and I'm most certain you don't intend to be selfish. But I'm sure you don't feel the necessity of marriage as subconciously, you know you still have a lot of margin of error when it comes to finalizing a partnership.

[Sodium]

^That is probably the most selfish thing I have ever heard. You deserve to be single forever.


OP.....what about kids? Have you ever thought about having kids and a family together without being legally married?

And I feel that you should bring this topic up and be open with her. Right now she is thinking you don't want to get married because maybe you don't love her enough. Truth is you actually love the life you have together too much at this point that you are afraid that marriage is going to change things.

I am sure that if you be straight up and talk to her, she will reassure you that she is going to be there for you no matter what. =)

[Noir]

^^^

1.
Take a step back and read it again. Now re-think for yourself and determine if it was something I was justifying, or something I was explaining.

2.
Didn't I say it is inadvertently selfish? You do know what I'm trying to imply right?

Do you think all selfish tendencies are borne out of ill will? Or do you believe there are unintentional selfishness's that only exists until one is made aware of it?



You've had good posts here before so I'm refraining to fail you. Unless you truly don't get it.


And no, I'm not single forever. I tried believe me. But I could only hold out until 27. I was hoping to reach 35.

[ooops]

from another point of view, maybe it's her parents and family wondering why you guys aren't married... THEY want that security too, you're not only hurting her but her family as well. i know this is 2010 and things are different but some parents don't even want their daughter living with their boyfriend, or spending a night or two over at his place. it's for them too.

[nosleepboy87]

^^^
so are you saying that he should get married because of her parents?
marriage isn't for everyone and a lot of people nowadays don't find a need for it.
You should never do something for the sakes of pleasing other people.
TO THE OP: If you don't want to get married, for whatever reason you have, DON'T DO IT

[Jmac]

Originally Posted by What_the?

at that age, she pretty much just needs the guarantee of the title IMO...

It's not an unreasonable request since she's almost 30... and as she gets older, if for whatever reason you decide to pick up and leave for some hot 21 year old, she'll be left pretty high and dry... yes, even though marriage wouldn't necessarily stop you from doing that, but it's about as much commitment as you can have...

The fact that she isn't even requesting a fancy ring or ceremony is already pretty unheard of... i'd really just think carefully about it, and either propose, or if she isn't the one you want to spend your life with, then stop wasting her time and be over with it

The fact that she doesn't need a ring or ceremony is her offering of a compromise. Every girl I know wants those things.

Anyways, I don't see what the problem is. 5 years, living together for 3, you think she's the one, she wants to be with you ... I say marry her and make her happy.

[ecchiecchi]

man...

Break up with her already.