[Confidential] ENTIRE family against you dating your SO

[Carl Johnson]

Without knowing everything, I think it would be foolish to disregard all the concerns you family have raised. Don't forget your family was with you since the day you were born, so it's reasonable to assume they know you the best. Unless you can work this issue out between the two parties, which it doesn't look like it will. I would probably side with your family just because in this case they are sincerely looking out for you and your interest.

[Grim]

sorry for being noob.
what does SO stand for?

[younglude]

Originally Posted by Grim

sorry for being noob.
what does SO stand for?

Significant Other

[Psykopathik]

its YOUR life. Fuck what anyone else has to say. Live for YOURSELF.

[MrGoodbar]

My parents were against me being with my ex which was a contributing factor to why we broke up. It's easy to say "It's your life, you date who you want" when there are family conflicts going on. If your family is looking down on the SO, how do you think that makes them feel? Turn it around, if your SO's family looked down on you how would you feel?

In my situation, I felt her unhappiness largely came from my parents due to some serious conflicting financial decisions and values. Unfortunate as it was, family tie will never go away no matter how strong the love may be. Their ideas were planted into my head and as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't. I kept being with her until we could no longer sustain the burden which in turn hurt us both more than if we were to break it off earlier in our lives. Even though I broke her heart telling her the truth, I felt it was the best thing I could do for her to find someone who is more compatible with. It would ease her suffering and my own. I'm still hurting now and my relationship with my parents has never been the same since.

I live on my own, make my own money, survive on my on hard work and I'm pretty independent from my parents but I could never truly break ties and completely ignore what they say to me. I don't know if it's genetic or what but no matter how independent you might think you are, parents and family will always have some influence on you. Sometimes it might be an ego thing where you want to show your family how awesome you are but if they look down on you and your SO, can your ego take it?

I wouldn't give the OP so much flak about making his own decisions as I understand where he's coming from. Unless you were completely disowned and abandoned by family, I will be so bold as to say that it's impossible to not be influenced by family opinion. The moment your brain processes and interprets what someone is saying, the idea will become a part of your thoughts even if it's something you don't accept. There are two ways you would react, a) reject the idea and find ways to disprove it (ie, date them anyways) or b) accept and bail.

In the end staying with her knowing that the family will never accept her as who she is will always tear two lovers apart. Look at Romeo and Juliet, classic tale of two conflicting families. In the end the only way that they could be together is to die together.

Family drama is the worst kind of drama, even if you ask your family to chill the fuck out, it very rarely works out with all the preconceptions and stubborn-as-fuck parents. Sometimes they should just learn to shut their fucking traps.

[freakshow]

I think it's worth noting that, if EVERY SINGLE PERSON in your family thinks its a bad idea, maybe it is. It's possible that that they're all completely racist, but maybe they do see something you don't. Maybe your SO is actually using/abusing you in some way. When you're in the relationship, as you stated, it's hard to see clearly.

I'm not justifying what they're doing, or their basis, but if there is not a single person who supports you, you have to at least be aware of the possibility that you might actually be acting naively.

My suggestion is to find a close friend and get their honest opinion about your relationship. Don't just post on RS looking for the affirmation that your family isn't giving you.

[rsx]

You're much younger and have experienced less than they have. I would listen to what they say with an open mind. If it is just purely based on race and the hatred towards that, then they're not putting up much of an argument. But, if they're providing examples as to why they think she's taking advantage of you, then you should pay more attention.

Do you spoil your gf? Are you rich? Is your gf a gold digger?

[El Bastardo]

This is a reply from the Anonymous member. Its a big one, so stay tuned kids

Originally Posted by Mr.HappySilp

Think of it this way when you grow old, who are going to be with your family or your husband?

Your family will still be there, but your are going to be living with her husband and start your own family. Your parents will adjust once you guys are marry. Yes they are there to protect you and worry about you but you know that's best for you. They don't like your bf is becasue they can't see pass the culture difference.

I told my ex the same thing when we broke up (same story as yours, family didn't like me for other reasons and she wanted break up coz of that). My exact words are "When you grow old who are going to be living with? Your parents, brothers, uncles.... or your husband and kids? Then leave. I am sorry but you are dating me and not your parents.

I'm probably not as strong minded as that. If I was in your gf's position, and if like me her family plays a huge role in her life then yea I understand where she's coming from. I want to marry my SO, I tell them that on a regular basis, and I'm very happy when I express those feelings. Then reality sets in. My parents hate them. But I love my SO to death.

Originally Posted by MrGoodbar

Do what you feel is right. There should be an equal amount of trying from both partners, and if you're trying more than he is and he brushes you off, then that's the time when you should be making a decision. If it's your choice to spoil the SO, then that's your decision, your SO did not coerce you into doing this.

Thank you ☺ My SO’s family is fine with me… just my parents aren’t fine with us.

Originally Posted by underscore

if you look at your relationship honestly and objectively and you're dating a good person and not being taken advantage of, then your family is being a bunch of jerks. Honestly if they can't love you and love your SO for making you happy, then they need to get bent, especially if it comes down to something stupid like race.

I wouldn’t tell them to get bent… I’m sure we all know how racist Asians can be.. to others… and themselves. My SO always says that one day my parents will grow to accept us. I’m still hoping wishing and praying for that day everyday.

Originally Posted by SkinnyPupp

And by the way, their attitude has nothing to do with "tradition". It's pure assholeness. No traditions I know involve automatically HATING people, except maybe Nazis and African tribes.
Posted via RS Mobile

Again I don’t think its ‘assholeness’, and maybe its not ‘tradition’ either. Its just growing up a certain way and seeing things that left lasting impressions. Its not a thread to bash my family, I want to know ways of maybe… overcoming this, or how to deal with it a little better if I continue to be with my SO for years to come?

Originally Posted by Culture_Vulture

Suck it up.

Your relationships aren't always going to be perfect.
If you're letting something like this bother you, then perhaps you ARE too naive to know what's best, and what YOU want.

What would you choose? Ration it out in your head a little. If your family isn’t close to you then fine, I’ll understand if you go with your SO. But when both are so close to your heart? It makes things a tad bit harder, no?

Originally Posted by MrGoodbar

My parents were against me being with my ex which was a contributing factor to why we broke up. It's easy to say "It's your life, you date who you want" when there are family conflicts going on. If your family is looking down on the SO, how do you think that makes them feel? Turn it around, if your SO's family looked down on you how would you feel?

In my situation, I felt her unhappiness largely came from my parents due to some serious conflicting financial decisions and values. Unfortunate as it was, family tie will never go away no matter how strong the love may be. Their ideas were planted into my head and as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't. I kept being with her until we could no longer sustain the burden which in turn hurt us both more than if we were to break it off earlier in our lives. Even though I broke her heart telling her the truth, I felt it was the best thing I could do for her to find someone who is more compatible with. It would ease her suffering and my own. I'm still hurting now and my relationship with my parents has never been the same since.

I live on my own, make my own money, survive on my on hard work and I'm pretty independent from my parents but I could never truly break ties and completely ignore what they say to me. I don't know if it's genetic or what but no matter how independent you might think you are, parents and family will always have some influence on you. Sometimes it might be an ego thing where you want to show your family how awesome you are but if they look down on you and your SO, can your ego take it?

I wouldn't give the OP so much flak about making his own decisions as I understand where he's coming from. Unless you were completely disowned and abandoned by family, I will be so bold as to say that it's impossible to not be influenced by family opinion. The moment your brain processes and interprets what someone is saying, the idea will become a part of your thoughts even if it's something you don't accept. There are two ways you would react, a) reject the idea and find ways to disprove it (ie, date them anyways) or b) accept and bail.

In the end staying with her knowing that the family will never accept her as who she is will always tear two lovers apart. Look at Romeo and Juliet, classic tale of two conflicting families. In the end the only way that they could be together is to die together.

Family drama is the worst kind of drama, even if you ask your family to chill the fuck out, it very rarely works out with all the preconceptions and stubborn-as-fuck parents. Sometimes they should just learn to shut their fucking traps.

Thank you, I will think on what you said as well. In your case was it an ego thing? Was she willing to push through it with you? Have you two ever talked about marriage and kids one day? When someone makes you so happy, beyond the “honeymoon” it just sucks that you don’t have family support. My SO is the sweetest person in the world, and will do anything and everything to be a better person for me. My SO is an only child and when we first started dating, didn’t really know much about giving, or sharing, or being creative to make another person happy. Now almost two years later, my SO is making me the happiest person in the world. Do I want to give that up? No, not really…. I love my family and I don’t want them to not accept our relationship either. Its makes me sad thinking about this ☹

Originally Posted by melloman

Meh, my grandma is traditional European.. thinks whites should only marry whites kind of thing.

But I've been dating my SO for 4 years now. She got used to it after awhile, it comes down to respect. If they are traditional, yet don't respect you enough for you to make your own choices, then that's complete bullshit. Tradition has to stop somewhere, and if they are making you feel uncomfortable TELL THEM.

Like everyone says, family will ALWAYS be there for you. Yet to me this sounds like it's more what they want for you. Not what you want for you. To me (no insult) but they sound like they are being 5 year olds.. they make rude comments because they aren't getting what they want. <--IMHO.

Yes. I hope that the longer I date my SO the sooner they will come to accept it. I don’t know how resistant “traditional European” is, but let me tell you, “traditional straight off the boat Asians” won’t change their minds so easily

Originally Posted by Noir

Sounds like a decision of "should I make myself happy" or "should I make them happy instead."

Yes. That’s what I’m torn between. I don’t know what to choose. I apparently can’t have my cake and eat it too…

Originally Posted by 6793026

I honestly dont' think you'll spend 70 yrs with this significant other so just ride it as is and not let this thing get to you.

I honestly think we will if all of this works out. If not I’d just be fuckin and not stressing!

Originally Posted by Gridlock

SAo they are trying to save you from yourself, and provide the "true" perspective, but everything they say is from the perspective of her being of a different race.

So immediately, I discount all the great advice they provide, because even if you are naive, and spending shitloads of money on her, its a moot point. They don't care about that, they care that she is different.

Guaranteed, if you spent the same and did the same things for a woman of the same culture, you wouldn't be naive, you'd be doing right by her and treating her as she deserves to be treated.

I would stop talking about her with family. The thing that is going to happen, is all the negativity that surrounds her is going to wear off on you in some way. The goal isn't for you to break up with her because momma doesn't like her, its to get you to break up with her for some other reason, and the nagitivity is just fueling the fire.

Now-that said-I will say there is something for a little honesty. I was with someone for 6 years, and just once I would have appreciated a true opinion. The only one that actually said something was my estranged father, and although he has a lot of points in the not so hot column, I actually respect that he told it like it is.

The rest of my family waited until I had already done the deed...

Congratulations =] Its nice to know these situations do work out in a way in the end. I hope I interpreted it right, that you married her in the end!

Originally Posted by pastarocket

Despite your family's resistance to your relationship with your SO, I think that family will support a family member in the end. Perhaps if your family and your SO had a little more time together to get to know one another, their attitude towards your SO will change.

-brings back memories of that Ben Stiller movie "Meet the Parents." In the end Mr. Focker didn't have to tell his in laws to F off. Things turned out okay for Mr. Focker.

Lets hope =] thank you

Originally Posted by !NR

it has been previously mentioned and it is great advice from all, just remember you are living your life, for you. Beas content and as happy you can be. In the end you will only have your chosen mate with you, going thru life's trials and tribulations together (hopefully).

I've distanced myself from my family because I believe the above as well. They can either choose to accept, and have me in their lives, or not. Life is short and it would be a shame and sheer stupidity to choose the excommunication choice.

Good luck, and do what your heart tells you, and never regret that choice for whatever reason.
Posted via RS Mobile

Thank you I appreciate it. Its hard to not think “what if I chose this option” Right now, my heart is telling me to be with my SO, but as we get older and marriage is a more serious possibility my heart will be torn again. I don’t want that and I just want to be prepared to go through that and handle it better. But anyways , hopefully your relationship is going good =]

Originally Posted by Carl Johnson

Without knowing everything, I think it would be foolish to disregard all the concerns you family have raised. Don't forget your family was with you since the day you were born, so it's reasonable to assume they know you the best. Unless you can work this issue out between the two parties, which it doesn't look like it will. I would probably side with your family just because in this case they are sincerely looking out for you and your interest.

yes… they do think I’m the naïve, but as I view it, I’m an optimist and I like to see the good in people. They’re very protective of me, but I just want them to see that my SO is making me really happy and isn’t doing me any harm that I can see.

Originally Posted by freakshow

I think it's worth noting that, if EVERY SINGLE PERSON in your family thinks its a bad idea, maybe it is. It's possible that that they're all completely racist, but maybe they do see something you don't. Maybe your SO is actually using/abusing you in some way. When you're in the relationship, as you stated, it's hard to see clearly.

I'm not justifying what they're doing, or their basis, but if there is not a single person who supports you, you have to at least be aware of the possibility that you might actually be acting naively.

My suggestion is to find a close friend and get their honest opinion about your relationship. Don't just post on RS looking for the affirmation that your family isn't giving you.

My friends see that I’m happier when I’m with my SO. My family refuses to see that I’m genuinely happy, and calling me naïve.

Originally Posted by rsx

You're much younger and have experienced less than they have. I would listen to what they say with an open mind. If it is just purely based on race and the hatred towards that, then they're not putting up much of an argument. But, if they're providing examples as to why they think she's taking advantage of you, then you should pay more attention.

Do you spoil your gf? Are you rich? Is your gf a gold digger?

As much as I want to take what they say with an open mind, it kills me at the end of the conversation because I just see it as mean and untrue. I do spoil my SO from time to time, but its purely out of love and wanting to do something special for my special someone. I’m not rich, but I give the best that I can. No my SO is not a gold digger. Everything that my SO owns is earned through hard work and savings, and not from mommy/daddy/other sources.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by MrGoodbar

My parents were against me being with my ex which was a contributing factor to why we broke up. It's easy to say "It's your life, you date who you want" when there are family conflicts going on. If your family is looking down on the SO, how do you think that makes them feel? Turn it around, if your SO's family looked down on you how would you feel?

In my situation, I felt her unhappiness largely came from my parents due to some serious conflicting financial decisions and values. Unfortunate as it was, family tie will never go away no matter how strong the love may be. Their ideas were planted into my head and as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't. I kept being with her until we could no longer sustain the burden which in turn hurt us both more than if we were to break it off earlier in our lives. Even though I broke her heart telling her the truth, I felt it was the best thing I could do for her to find someone who is more compatible with. It would ease her suffering and my own. I'm still hurting now and my relationship with my parents has never been the same since.

I live on my own, make my own money, survive on my on hard work and I'm pretty independent from my parents but I could never truly break ties and completely ignore what they say to me. I don't know if it's genetic or what but no matter how independent you might think you are, parents and family will always have some influence on you. Sometimes it might be an ego thing where you want to show your family how awesome you are but if they look down on you and your SO, can your ego take it?

I wouldn't give the OP so much flak about making his own decisions as I understand where he's coming from. Unless you were completely disowned and abandoned by family, I will be so bold as to say that it's impossible to not be influenced by family opinion. The moment your brain processes and interprets what someone is saying, the idea will become a part of your thoughts even if it's something you don't accept. There are two ways you would react, a) reject the idea and find ways to disprove it (ie, date them anyways) or b) accept and bail.

In the end staying with her knowing that the family will never accept her as who she is will always tear two lovers apart. Look at Romeo and Juliet, classic tale of two conflicting families. In the end the only way that they could be together is to die together.

Family drama is the worst kind of drama, even if you ask your family to chill the fuck out, it very rarely works out with all the preconceptions and stubborn-as-fuck parents. Sometimes they should just learn to shut their fucking traps.

I hate to tear this apart but it's wrong on quite the few levels.

1. Wrong. There's a lot of couples, and even some married ones who are in a situation where parents or in-laws dislike (openly or quietly) their son/daughter in laws. They're doing fine and neither partner regrets the decision being with said partner. Like everything mentioned in the first page... just need to grow some balls.


2. Adulthood is about taking control of your own life and being responsible for it. Yes your parents can have an opinion, but as long as you're independent from them, it'll be just that; an opinion (no matter how strong of an opinion it is.)

Whether your choices are the right ones or the wrong ones, adulthood is about being responsible for your OWN choices; not your parents.


3. Just because you're living on your own, and earning an income doesn't make one independent. Hell, I know of lots of people my age, who's independence is financed by their parents (inheriting a family car, downpayment for a condo/home).

Or if not that, independence made possible by parents (living at home til post-secondary education is completed; parent paid tuition; parent paid student expenses ie. car, ins, etc.)

I hate to be racist but I see this a lot in the Chinese community, which unfortunately in RS, is majority. And when one is THAT indebted to their parents, then I can kinda see why even in "independence," parents still have quite the controlling influence over their kids.






To the OP:

That being said, if you're torn about choosing "your happiness" over your "family's happiness." Choose yours.

I don't care about mama & papa complexes that we see around here so commonly, but your partner is the person you'll be lying beside with every night, and waking up to every morning hopefully for the rest of your life. Don't settle for #2s, or plan B's when what you want is #1 or plan A (aka, what you want, your plan, what you want in a woman).




And besides, its really time to grow up. I mean c'mon, we already view it as childish when you have your parents picking out your clothes for you. It's moreso down right embarrassing if they're picking out your girlfriends too. Don't be that kind of a "man" if you can even call that "manly."

So Man up. You're not the first person in the world that has had to make a decision against their parents wishes. It won't be the end of the world (unless you're weak inside); I promise.

[MrGoodbar]

Originally Posted by Noir

I hate to tear this apart but it's wrong on quite the few levels.

1. Wrong. There's a lot of couples, and even some married ones who are in a situation where parents or in-laws dislike (openly or quietly) their son/daughter in laws. They're doing fine and neither partner regrets the decision being with said partner. Like everything mentioned in the first page... just need to grow some balls.


2. Adulthood is about taking control of your own life and being responsible for it. Yes your parents can have an opinion, but as long as you're independent from them, it'll be just that; an opinion (no matter how strong of an opinion it is.)

Whether your choices are the right ones or the wrong ones, adulthood is about being responsible for your OWN choices; not your parents.


3. Just because you're living on your own, and earning an income doesn't make one independent. Hell, I know of lots of people my age, who's independence is financed by their parents (inheriting a family car, downpayment for a condo/home).

Or if not that, independence made possible by parents (living at home til post-secondary education is completed; parent paid tuition; parent paid student expenses ie. car, ins, etc.)

I hate to be racist but I see this a lot in the Chinese community, which unfortunately in RS, is majority. And when one is THAT indebted to their parents, then I can kinda see why even in "independence," parents still have quite the controlling influence over their kids.

1. Oh ok, so those partners are ok if in-laws hate them openly and go marrily about as if nothing is wrong? Is there anyone on the planet that naive? Probably not. If there's beef there's going to be discomfort and again family will not go away if there's any attachment to them at some point in life. The SO's will have to see the parents at one point or another. Will two people be as close to each other if their in-laws hate the shit out of them and wish death upon them? Doubtful. Maybe I was wrong in saying that it ALWAYS tears two people apart due to parents hate but it sure doesn't make being together easy. On the flip side of the coin, there are couples who break up because they can't stand the in-laws anymore.

3. A lot of those people you know aren't independent then. The fact that their independence is financed by parents is contradictory in itself. How can you classify them as independent if their indepdence is dependent on their parents money . Where's that picture of the philosoraptor??

Besides that, you missed my point; my point was that no matter how independent you think you might be from your parents you will have at least some sliver of their values. I used myself as an example where I am detatched enough not so much as to even ask my parents for advice anymore. As bad as it sounds, Google is my best source of advice. It's my upbringing and my parents values that were passed on to me that is the influence here. Unless you've never seen them in your life, they will have some sort of influence on you. This applies to #2 as well. It's easy to say grow balls, but in the end if your parents taught you how to speak, taught you how to wipe your own ass, how to eat, how to not kill someone, how to do well in life, those are your parents in your head.

[MrGoodbar]

Originally Posted by Tachycardia!

This is a reply from the Anonymous member. Its a big one, so stay tuned kids


Thank you, I will think on what you said as well. In your case was it an ego thing? Was she willing to push through it with you? Have you two ever talked about marriage and kids one day? When someone makes you so happy, beyond the “honeymoon” it just sucks that you don’t have family support. My SO is the sweetest person in the world, and will do anything and everything to be a better person for me. My SO is an only child and when we first started dating, didn’t really know much about giving, or sharing, or being creative to make another person happy. Now almost two years later, my SO is making me the happiest person in the world. Do I want to give that up? No, not really…. I love my family and I don’t want them to not accept our relationship either. Its makes me sad thinking about this ☹

No, mine was not an ego thing. It was simply looking at something in a different perspective. Parents were one factor. She never wanted to see my parents because my parents quietly didn't like her. She didn't really want to push through and we were living the moment rather than planning on how family would react later on. In the end, this lead to other things that spiralled downwards. I won't get into the nitty gritty details but for the most part her goals in life were not aligned with mine at all. We were on two different wavelengths when it came to planning things out.

If you and your SO are aligned in your goals and your family's worries aren't warranted, then it should be your call if your SO makes you happiest. But if your family is seeing that you're being taken advantage of then that's when you should consider looking beyond the box.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by MrGoodbar

1. Oh ok, so those partners are ok if in-laws hate them openly and go marrily about as if nothing is wrong? Is there anyone on the planet that naive? Probably not. If there's beef there's going to be discomfort and again family will not go away if there's any attachment to them at some point in life. The SO's will have to see the parents at one point or another. Will two people be as close to each other if their in-laws hate the shit out of them and wish death upon them? Doubtful. Maybe I was wrong in saying that it ALWAYS tears two people apart due to parents hate but it sure doesn't make being together easy. On the flip side of the coin, there are couples who break up because they can't stand the in-laws anymore.

Of course it's not okay; still doesn't stop them from being together, and choosing each other. Seriously, where do you think all those age-old "in-law" jokes come from? Is that just something new?

And what do you mean it doesn't make being together easy? How often do you see your parents as an "Adult"? Like weekly? What do you do you still have your parents do your laundry for you? C'mon dude, when you're an adult, you don't spend a great deal of time with your parents, especially when you have a partner, and later on a family of yourself to take care of.

Say even if you meet only a monthly basis due to birthdays, and other occasions... are those 12 days going to ruin the entire 365 days in a year you share with your partner? Are those 12 days or say 24 (twice a month) days in an entire year so severe that the 365 days your woman makes you happy is not worth it? Get real yo

Originally Posted by MrGoodbar

3. A lot of those people you know aren't independent then. The fact that their independence is financed by parents is contradictory in itself. How can you classify them as independent if their indepdence is dependent on their parents money . Where's that picture of the philosoraptor??

Why else would a parent have such a controlling influence over their kin even into their adulthood? It's one of the reasons.

Originally Posted by MrGoodbar

Besides that, you missed my point; my point was that no matter how independent you think you might be from your parents you will have at least some sliver of their values. I used myself as an example where I am detatched enough not so much as to even ask my parents for advice anymore. As bad as it sounds, Google is my best source of advice. It's my upbringing and my parents values that were passed on to me that is the influence here. Unless you've never seen them in your life, they will have some sort of influence on you. This applies to #2 as well. It's easy to say grow balls, but in the end if your parents taught you how to speak, taught you how to wipe your own ass, how to eat, how to not kill someone, how to do well in life, those are your parents in your head.

What's your point?

Because of the OP's upbringing does that mean he's obliged to respect his parents values no matter how conservative or traditionalist it is? And I'm using those words euphemistically. Are you seriously justifying that?

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

Eastern collective conformity vs Western single minded speciality.

choose which life you want to live. your family is obviously the former.

the two don't mix. choose your path. there's no middle ground.

there's no wrong, there's no right. both paths u take you have to make great sacrifice.

"give up" your family, or give up your SO.

of course this is to do with racism, but that doesnt matter because it's probably there to stay.

it's to do with expectations. your family expected you to have a different outcome, and you have strayed far from that outcome lol.

whatever, just let the relationship run. time will determine this, not you.
you will get to a point where you can't stand this any more, and end it.
or you wont.

you say you love her now, but who says you'll love her 2 years from now lol.
what if you meet someone better.
just let it run its course.