[Confidential] Can't start moving on

[El Bastardo]

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Recently broke up with my gf, whom I have been dating for a bit more then 2 years now... I've talked to my friends and they all tell me I should get over it and move on.. but I cant get her out of my head and it seems like everything keeps reminding me of her..

Ill try to explain the story to our break up below..
To start off I thought everything was going fine through out our relationship.. We had 1 or 2 fights during the beginning of our relationship but we talked it out and I made a clear point of telling her if anything is wrong tell me because small things turn into big things.. So pretty much through out these 2 years we barely fought at all.. maybe a hand full of arguments but nothing serious (ex. we argue about something but brush it aside right after) It never came to my mind that we would break up..

Fast forward the last week before our problems are brought up.. she starts putting distance between us and i realize something is clearly wrong.. I wait about a week to kinda feel out the situation and then I talk to her.. (After this comes a series of talks, giving it a try, ending the relationship)

First talk, we put out that something is wrong and she wants to just be friends..

Second talk, I call her back asking her if we can talk again and know that we have a lot more to talk about.. we talk about the problems that occurred to lead to this.. (BIG factor was our miscommunication.. I did some things i thought was right but never explained to her why and she just took it in a total different way..) Pretty much a lot of small miscommunications built up and caused this.. The tip of the ice berg I BELIEVE, is recently someone close to her passed away.. I asked if she wanted me to be there but she said no it wouldnt feel right with her family there.. (Im so f-ing stupid.. I regret this part so much..) Pretty much I agreed not to go but let her know to call me if she needs. (I go sleep, head to work the next morning, and call her right after work) She seems very neutral about the situation after.. I obviously fail to act on this..
So.. pretty much she told me she wanted me there during the night and it was to late when morning came.. She then tells me I lack confidence and doesn't feel like I can support her emotionally.. She compares me to other people (friends husband).. I tell her I can have that confidence but i'm still young and just started my career.. I need time to develop.. she tells me she doesn't know if she has the patience to wait for me.. Overall we talk for a few hours.. she ends up needing time to think about giving our relationship another go..

Third talk, she is willing to give it a try and work things out.. everything seems fine again..

About a week or less in, I feel something is off and on a day we go on a date I ask her how she feels about me and such.. she cant answer and I essential push a few questions out to try get her to tell me..
(I realized after I shouldnt have done this.. I literally just pushed myself overboard on a really rocky boat)
She cant answer me and decides she needs to rethink her answer.. (I must say this hurt quite a bit..)

Fast forward a few days, we talk again I try to keep us together but she decides she doesn't have enough feelings for me to continue the relationship... We pretty much talk about it and decide to give some of our stuff back to each other a week from now..

Week after, we exchange some items.. she gives back a few intimate stuff while I gave back almost everything that made me think of her.. (At this point, I thought it was all over and followed what my friends told me to do..) After talking about how we may want to be friends later on, it pretty much ends with me telling her I dont know if I can and if so I will need a long time..

Fast forward to now.. its been about 2 weeks now..
How I feel and what I'm thinking about atm:
- I feel like shit everyday.. Depressed but I try not to show it because I work and know my friends are probably tired of hearing my shit..
- I've been trying to keep active.. working out, working, 3 different sports, chilling with friends..
- I lose my appetite every so often, even when im super hungry.. I think my meals per day range from 1-3 atm.. (I know this is bad.. I try to go out and eat whatever I want.. but it feels like im going to puke sometimes)
- Went partying got so wrecked.. the next morning I couldn't do anything.. what made it worse was I was thinking of her the whole time..
- I'm full of so much regret and anger at myself.. for not seeing the events that led to this and why I didn't do this and that when I had the chance..
- I want to improve myself for me but at the same time I don't want to just let her go with out trying.. So i've been thinking to improve my self.. wait a month or so.. give her a text to see whats going on.. maybe give her another text some time from now about how I feel and what I plan to do.. (build myself to be a better man, maybe if I still feel the same way I would try to get her back...) I duno how long that will take.. but for sure it wont be anytime soon time.. (a year or so from now? or more..)
- I'm currently trying to study for work and be proactive with my life but I cant seem to concentrate at all..
- Everyone I know keeps asking me where she is and why isn't she here and it kills me cause I dont want to say we broke up.. so I brush it off by saying I don't know.. (I realized now how much people mention her around me too btw..)
- Not to sound like a pussy.. but I've broken out in tears multiple times when alone.. (btw.. I've never cried in the past 10years of my life.. even when close family/friends passed away..) I don't know why but I cant stop the tears once they start..
- Never in my life have I felt this bad.. I can easily say it feels like my hearts bring ripped out atm..
- I don't know what to do.. and I feel like i've lost most if not all my confidence in myself atm..




I apologize for writing this rant and I know there is a lot of spelling/grammar errors..

Add a bit.. I'm in my early/mid twenties.. and no she is not a tween..

I would like to hear some feed back about your opinions.. I've realized my stupidity and will be putting my flame suit on..

[LiquidTurbo]

Time heals all wounds. In the meantime just get on with living your life and accept what's happen.

[Verdasco]

when u state recently breaking up, how long is that? just wait a bit like everyone else because it is natural to think like this. Give yourself time and you will move on eventually.

[PJ]

First of all, this might sound harsh... But you don't want to be with someone who says stuff like "why can't you be more like (this person)?". There's always going to be someone better looking, more successful, whatever. I don't care what the situation is. Under no circumstances is it ok to say that to your significant other. Confidence problem or not, she should be encouraging you, not comparing your flaws to other people.

The first few weeks after a break-up is usually pretty rough.

A few things to consider and keep in mind..

- A relationship is like one of those playground "teeter-totters." It's a balance between both sides. You both have to want it. It can rock back and forth and not hit the ground.. But if one side gives out, that's when it falls. No matter how bad you want it, the other person has to be at the same point you are, or it'll never work. She jumped off her side, and you fell on your ass. Which means she didn't want it. You don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with you anyway.

- Remember. In this situation.. She lost someone who cared about her. You lost someone who didn't care about you.

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the anonymous poster

Originally Posted by Verdasco

when u state recently breaking up, how long is that? just wait a bit like everyone else because it is natural to think like this. Give yourself time and you will move on eventually.

The break up took about a full month.. its been 2 weeks since the official break up date.

[BaoTurbo]

Yea the game of love is a game for 2. One can't take the other for granted and neither can the other or one can give too much or the other. It's a really delicate balance. 2 years was a really good run, but I don't want you to blame yourself. It's not your fault at the very least so stop crying out loud and slowly take it all in.

Practice makes perfect, it sounds cliche and asshole but some things the more relationships you're in and go through the more you see and understand how it works. For me, even watching relationships on TV or shows or dramas isn't even close to what happens in real life.

Take it easy man. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

[Nicotine]

its been two weeks.? obviously your not gonna be over it. shit, im barley over my latest breakup. i dated this girl for 3 years and we broke up 8 months ago. and its not like you will never think about her again. i still have moments when i think of her, but hey now that i look back its just another story in my life and all ou can do is learn from it. Time helps. trust me, with the anger and pain i had at the 1 month point after my breakup there were alot of stupid shit i though about doing.(to myself and other people) life does eventually move on.
A buddy told me once: Shes not wasting her time thinking about you, so why should you waste anymore time thinking of her.

helped me alot.

[Verdasco]

Originally Posted by nicolaspal

its been two weeks.? obviously your not gonna be over it. shit, im barley over my latest breakup. i dated this girl for 3 years and we broke up 8 months ago. and its not like you will never think about her again. i still have moments when i think of her, but hey now that i look back its just another story in my life and all ou can do is learn from it. Time helps. trust me, with the anger and pain i had at the 1 month point after my breakup there were alot of stupid shit i though about doing.(to myself and other people) life does eventually move on.
A buddy told me once: Shes not wasting her time thinking about you, so why should you waste anymore time thinking of her.

helped me alot.

Agreed, probably went to another guy like the other bitches huh girls can hop on to another train where a guy must find the perfect mount to settle on. Maybe OP will fully understand when she finds another guy

[cdizzle_996]

Get out and get some random tail









...seriously

[Noir]

I'll be honest with you. There's no getting around it and 2 weeks is really nothing for something you've had for over 2 years. For a relationship that long, it could take months. For a relationship that has a lot of sentiment and emotional value to you, it could take half a year or more.

All this crap about keeping yourself pre-occupied are all BS advices. The grieving period of losing something so intrinsically significant isn't something you should be resorting to "band-aid solution" anyways. It's something you should just tough out and go through it like a man. Yes for a while, you're going to look emo. You probably won't feel like a man. You'll be hella disappointed in yourself and you'll be wallowing in your self pity a lot, but I'll tell ya, the strongest of us men has endured where you are at today. Don't feel ashamed of yourself when your down.

Gotta endure these times so you have more appreciation when the time comes life finally throws you a bone or two; and it will. It's a life lesson. Hang in there and learn well.

[melloman]

Disagree with Noir. Stay busy, and it'll keep your mind off of her. Eventually you'll realize how much fun your having..

Honestly she doesn't sound like she loves you if she wasn't willing to wait for you. If she did then she would crossed the fucking ocean in a paddle boat for you. Don't feel regret, if she didn't talk to YOU, it's not your fault. Why do you need to EXPLAIN your actions? If she had a problem about it, she should've told you. Simple.

Get out, have fun with friends, party, just don't go too overboard.

And definately get out there where you can feel APPRECIATED by some other good looking women.

[dachinesedude]

when there is not enough serotonin (hormone) flowing in the brain, you will feel depressed, which is what is happening to you right now

so what you need to do to feel less depressed is increasing serotonin levels, and how to do that? exercising and eating right

sitting at home all day is gonna be make you feel more like shit, go out and exercise your ass off, its not just a band-aid cuz serotonin levels stay at high levels post-exercise

oh and delete/unsubscribe her from facebook and other social networks, you'll want to kill yourself if you see her with another guy a few weeks later

[tiger_handheld]

as my sig states :

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who couldn't give up on them.

[miss_crayon]

Originally Posted by melloman

Disagree with Noir. Stay busy, and it'll keep your mind off of her. Eventually you'll realize how much fun your having..

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a grieving period. Not that I'm disagreeing with you to keep yourself busy...but it shouldn't be some quick fix bandaid (as someone said). Telling someone to GET UP AND MOVE ON ASAP is hard...REALLY hard. It might take weeks, and it might take months..everyone grieves differently but they have to be realistic with themselves as well of when "enough is enough."

It took me months to get over my last ex because I just didn't understand what happened. Okay...I did..but I guess I didn't want to believe it. I'ts hard when the person you "love" tells you they don't care about you anymore or see you the way they once did. It took awhile to get over the intense feelings of sadness and hurt but as time went on...I got better and worked on myself on my own terms. Not because someone forced me to get better..but because I knew it was time to just get the wheels rolling again.

During that time of "recovery" I upgraded myself with a better job, learned more about what I wanted in a relationship/life, and really learned to enjoy being by myself. And if love was to knock on my door again, I'd be ready and willing to give it another chance. Which it did and I honestly could not be happier.


OP: You have to realize that she isnt going to come back nor is she worth getting back together with at this point. She told you straight up she no longer wants this relationship...so why should you? Yes, you still have feelings for her..I completely understand. 2 years with someone is a long time (even if some beg to differ) and it's hard to let go of REAL feelings. I'm sorry but chances are she broke up with you (emotionally) a long time ago but just didn't know how to physically.


Also, not saying you're a loser or anything but it doesn't seem like you are giving the self respect you deserve. You say you're young but working hard to get to where you need to be...how many young people nowadays can say that? I don't know what you do or anything, but if you have a goal (which it seems like you do) then strive for it. Someone who loves you and sees this relationship long term will wait and support you. If you can't appreciate yourself as a whole, how is someone else going to?

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by melloman

Disagree with Noir. Stay busy, and it'll keep your mind off of her. Eventually you'll realize how much fun your having..

Honestly she doesn't sound like she loves you if she wasn't willing to wait for you. If she did then she would crossed the fucking ocean in a paddle boat for you. Don't feel regret, if she didn't talk to YOU, it's not your fault. Why do you need to EXPLAIN your actions? If she had a problem about it, she should've told you. Simple.

Get out, have fun with friends, party, just don't go too overboard.

And definately get out there where you can feel APPRECIATED by some other good looking women.

I'm actually more with Noir on this one. Unless your friends are all single and don't have other things going on in their lives, partying and drinking it off is hardly a feasible solution. And in my experience, women can smell hurt and a lack of confidence a mile away. If you're in the dumps emotionally, no woman will want to talk to you as it'll be all over your face, your body language, etc.

You need to get the mourning out of your system and gradually get your confidence back through various self-directed activities. Working out is fine, but try to focus at work too. And if you want something out of left field - try yoga (seriously.)

[melloman]

Maybe my post came off abit strong. I don't mean go out all the time and party and try to get laid. I meant to just get out of the house, be with friends.. It keeps your mind off of things. (Definately did for me..)

I didn't even mean to APPROACH women, but getting a smile or 2 from women is a definite confidence booster.. can't deny that.

Sure mourning is fine, but people will sulk for weeks to months.. and just waste away 1/4 of a year. I take the stance of, (like tiger_handheld said) she's missing out. There's tons of people in the world, go out and meet them.

[!Yaminashi]

I agree completely with PJ. It just sounds like she expects so much from you just because you're the guy.

Maybe I read things wrong, but if she really wanted you there for emotional support when her family member passed, she SHOULD HAVE SAID SO instead saying no then expecting you to read her mind.

Secondly, you DEFINITELY do not want a girl who compares you to her friends' husbands/boyfriends. I think what it comes down to is that she felt you werent bending over backwards for her, or at least thats what it sounds like from your POV.

The part that pissed me off in your OP was the part where she said she doesnt have the patience to wait for you. This chick needs a slap in the face with the reality stick. You dont just get a high paying job, you need to work for it and I applaud you for having a goal and wanting to get there. Not many people these days have realistic goals.

I know it's hard and it sucks that she let things go so easily, but you should really be asking yourself, what did she have to offer YOU? I didnt see one thing in your post about her ambitions or goals, just what she was expecting FROM YOU.

[!Nhan]

I think when people ask you about where she is or why she isn't around you shouldn't ignore the question, but instead tell them what happened. I think part of you is in denial maybe about being apart and what's to have that hope inside our head. Let people know so that they won't be asking you and that way you won't keep thinking about her.

Two weeks is nothing. It's been 3 years for me and I still have trouble chasing a girl.

Lastly, DO NOT regret what you did. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from the choices you made in that relationship and remember not to make the same ones in the next.

What everyone else said, if she needs to "think" about what you mean to her, then she's not ready to be with you. Her loss.

[ShadowBun]

i feel you mean

[trip]

This is what my ex said to me "what are you holding on to??".
As harsh as it was, she was right and I'm glad she said it!

I spent time adjusting all the negative things about myself that were factors in the breakup and started dating another girl.
I was feeling great about myself until we talked about where things were going and decided to end things.
She didn't view me as serious and as a "fun/party type" guy. Which I honestly am not...

I spent that time improving myself and was basically I made no progress??.
For a short time period, she kept wanting to me to go party with her... Seriously..?

Now I'm just like.. "women" lol. They don't always know what they want. As long as you aware of your bad qualities and make some progress... There's always someone out there that likes you for you.

[Gridlock]

I don't think going out and getting laid is the answer.

Here's the thing...there is no right answer. You have to take the time you need to analyze, grieve and finally accept.

But, you are going to wake up one morning, and here's what is going to go through your head:

"that bitch"

And you don't mean it personally. Well, fuck that! maybe you do!

She crushed you. She tells you she doesn't need you there, but gets mad that you weren't there for the funeral(sorry, that part is a little difficult to read). She puts it on you that you need to be more like someone else, and she's not willing to wait for you to get there.

Um, I'm sorry, but fuck you!

While I am working on making all these changes to myself to make me a better boyfriend, what are you going to be working on?

I've been the one to crush the other. We were together for 6 years. When I told her I was moving out, she tells me this was the first she through we had problems. This was 3 days after I got back from a solo trip to thailand without her. This was a year after we had broken up once.

Every fucking word between, "It's over" and "here are the keys" was something that I carefully chose, nee constructed to avoid dealing the death blow that puts her in a funk for a decade.

I made sure that when she asks "why?" my answer was "it's on me". I had 6 years on this shit...I knew it was a two way street. And I had some fine fucking answers for that question that didn't involve me at all. Did I sit there and share them? No! What was that going to accomplish?

"Hi. It's over. It's all your fault, and I'm a pretty big deal, so you are going to be affected"

And dude, that's what I'm picking up from what you wrote. You chasing her trying to be the person that she wants to be with in her mind.

You are never going to catch that bar!

You can go back and say, "look! I'm confident...and I worked out, and I make more money and I had the mole removed, whatever and did all the things you wanted"

She isn't going to turn around and say "yes!" she's going to change the bar. Not confident enough, more money...mole left a scar. Once again, whatever it is she's looking for.

You aren't it.

She's just not that into you.

So, take the time you need man. You want to put her on a pedestal and cry that she is gone-dude, go for it. You need it. It sucks.

But I'm telling you, when you get to the point where you wake up and say, "hold the fuck on princess" that's when you turn the corner.

You can bring it on right now.

What's one thing you couldn't stand about her? What really pissed you off?

[Mining]

Two fucking weeks? That's all that needs to be said...

You think you're gonna get over her and be okay within two weeks? It took me a year to recover from my 2 year relationship.

Time heals all. (well not ALL but you get what I'm trying to say)

[tdeweyn]

Everyone cries, even if they say they don't. Just a part of life.

Nothing you can do abou this girl though, seems like she can't make up her mind about whether to give a second chance or not. Always rethinking things. You just got to let it go slowly, not like stop liking her completely out of no where. It's impossible and I'm pretty sure it's impossible to stop liking/loving someone completed and in a short period of time. What you can do for now is go to your friends for support. Just try to get your mind off things, and I read that you were thinking of her even though you were wrecked. Just keep trying to get your mind off things, I'm not telling you to resort to drugs or drinking or what not. I'm telling you to find something to do that would relax you and keep your mind off things so you won't go crazy and start crying because of her.

Just my opinion.

[Chronix]

Spoiler!

Edit: Lets cut down the amount of memes in this forum before I have to make it a rule - El Bastardo

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the anonymous member

I noticed everyone is telling me to move on and just let it go.. my OP may have given the idea that she is a horrible person or something.. but in my perspective she is that girl.. the one you will regret for life if you ever let her go... (before our break up, my friends/family would always say how we looked good together, how our personalities matched, and shes a keeper)...
To be honest, I don't want to just throw it all away with out giving a fight... I feel like I haven't done enough or anything at all to try keep us together... atm all I really want to do is at least try to do something... I know its probably 99% going to fail but I know I would rather fail trying then not trying at all...

I know it takes 2 people to make a relationship.. but if one person is rocky or cant pull things together.. isnt the other person suppose to support/try to work it out for them? (Take 2 people to work, but sometimes one person needs to be stronger to make things work right?) ... Am I crazy for thinking/feeling like this...

Also thanks for all the advice/response's.. really appreciate it.