How to deal with constant fighting?

[MGuy]

Originally Posted by exploration03

You seem like you genuinely want to make her happy and hats off to you for finding a person that you 100% know you need in your life. If you're asking what you need I make it better, maybe think bak to the basics. Forget the negative ideas surrounding her unhappiness. Focus on making her happy.

You know what she likes? Hobbies, interests, pastimes or sports. Havin a child really pulls you away from all of that , forces you to grow up really quick. I'm also late 20s and my son is 8wks old, it's a huge demanding responsibility. Forget the budget as much as possible and focus on her and just her. Find a baby sitter, make her feel special and appreciated. Once she remembers why she is in the situation she is in the first place, I have a good feeling shell realize she chose to be there and it wasn't something she was forced to do.

I want to do this but our budget is very tight not leaving much time to do anything....we still get out and do things just not often (or as often as I would like)

Originally Posted by Gridlock

First, thank you. You have a child together, and that is worth the effort.

When I say "I can't do this anymore", I don't mean immediate break-up.

It sounds like you are trying a lot to help...but what of you?

Here you are on revscene, basically crying out for help. Saying "What more can I do?"

You can't. Men are fixers. She's having a problem, and your solution is to solve it. You can't. The best thing you can do is listen. No solutions, no 'what if we do this', just listen.

But I still get a 'we can't do this' feeling. And, that's not out of hate, that's out of love. You are working long days, busting it to provide for a family. Can you really keep up that energy at work all day, then come home to have your head taken off? I don't need the answer, but ask yourself the question, "how's that working out for you?"

I think there really could be a chemical imbalance. Or not, but we don't know.

I also think you really need to get some impartial help. I get that there are things you wouldn't want to share here. Share them in a safe place. They'll be able to talk about a medical side. Maybe its emotional. If she's trapped in toddler land all day, without a lot of friends to talk to...she could be going 'nuts'...I know I'd lose it. We need that connection with the adult, outside world.

What's the point of working your ass off if it isn't getting you anywhere?

The child is not mine, but I do love her like my own. Best kid ever!

I just want to be the support she needs, the one to bring her up when she is down but it feels like I keep her down with the stupid fights we have.
I'm trying my darnedest to make it work but I just don't know how to "fix" it.

I will talk with her about seeking some form of counsel for the both of us as well as her independently if she wishes.

[dinosaur]

MGuy,

There is going to be a time in the near future that you crash (IMHO). You can not make her happy...I am not talking about "buy her flowers" happy....I am talking about deep down inside her core happy. This is something that she needs to work on herself. Whether it be a chemical imbalance or not (clinical depression vs. depression), it is all still depression.

No matter how much you want to try and love her out of this, you can not. What you can do, is stand by her and support her. You are doing this now, and I think you are doing it well. What she needs to do is talk to someone. We all get "trapped" in our life some times. Money, work, friends, family, children, relationships....these are all life variables with their own little rollercoasters. I have been there. TRUST ME, I have been there. I talked to someone.

She can go to her family doctor and request to speak to a therapist. Fraser Mental Health offers a variety of different options anywhere from support groups to one on one counselling...FOR FREE! Mental Health Services - Mental Health and Substance Use - Fraser Health

Check out their website and call. If this is not an angle she would like to choose, then her family dr. can recommend a psychiatrist or a psychologist. This can be free as well. Other options are doing it privately....you can google neighbourhood therapist who specialize in depression and anxiety disorders...couples counselling...family counselling, etc.

Honestly, the first step is the hardest but it is worth it. She WILL get better. We ALL get better. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Once you or her surrender yourselves to the help of a professional, it will take a lot of weight of both of your shoulders.

I really hope you call someone

[exploration03]

Talk to her about where she sees herself in the future. This can indicate where she wants to be vs where you're heading now.

[MGuy]

The trouble is helping her to see that without it being a fight. I want her happiness more than anything in this world.

I will try and talk to her tonight and see if she is willing to do something. Either together if she wants or on her own. I think it may help the both of us to see what we are doing that is unhealthy between the two of us as well as independently.

[Noir]

Why don't you just, let her win the fights/arguments? seriously.




edit:

Fuck me, I need to hug the wife. I just realized she lets me win everything. I didn't even realize that.

[Kidnapman]

^^^ Wow, Noir is on a winning streak today. Let the ignorant be ignorant. They have what's coming to them. When they realize their stupidity, they'll come crying back weeping about how wrong they were.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by Juwlzx

^^^ Wow, Noir is on a winning streak today. Let the ignorant be ignorant. They have what's coming to them. When they realize their stupidity, they'll come crying back weeping about how wrong they were.

Yep. After this revelation, I'm definitely the stupid one in my relationship.

[Gridlock]

Just going to say that you do know that the guy that just constantly sucks it up and says "yes dear" is the guy that ends up fucking his secretary, right?

[finbar]

@OP, it sounds like both of you want the relationship to work long term. That's huge.
See a councillor, that will show you where the communication is breaking down between you both. Medical conditions will have a bearing on the outcome.
The shrink got me and the missus back on the rails fast. Shining a light on the monsters really helped.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by Gridlock

Just going to say that you do know that the guy that just constantly sucks it up and says "yes dear" is the guy that ends up fucking his secretary, right?

I don't see the OP doing that. Part of growing up is honing your social calibration. If the OP can sense that a certain conversation is developing some tension, a quick "surrender" can easily deflate any escalation to a full out argument.

There are some things in life that are worth fighting for, but there are somethings in life that aren't. Petty relationship arguments are not one of them IMO.

[Gridlock]

Originally Posted by Noir

I don't see the OP doing that. Part of growing up is honing your social calibration. If the OP can sense that a certain conversation is developing some tension, a quick "surrender" can easily deflate any escalation to a full out argument.

There are some things in life that are worth fighting for, but there are somethings in life that aren't. Petty relationship arguments are not one of them IMO.

I get that....TE-RUST Me(thats what she gets for the fail lol)

Part of being in a relationship as we get older, and the stakes get higher is learning to let the little shit go.

BUT...all I was trying to say is that eventually, a person will get real tired of constantly having to just let go, and will literally just go...somewhere else.

[brokentelephone]

I wonder if you should be taking advice from people who you don't know, and most likely, have never been in your situation. A lot of these guys are losers, and tend to expect the worst in any case (i.e., girl is unhappy so she'll definitely leave you or whatever).

I am a married man, and have lived with my girl for a few years. Sometimes, esp. if the girl isn't working (mine hasn't been) she gets bored, boredom turns into anxiety/stress/loss of self-esteem, etc., and unfortunately, you can't do anything about this on your own. You can, however, insist she modify her life to make it more fulfilling. You might be the best partner in the world, but if she's unhappy with other shit it will eventually seep into your relationship.

Don't always try to solve her problems -- suggest she join a club with other moms, get a job, take some classes, start a food blog, or whatever floats her boat. Once she gets her mojo back she'll appreciate you more than ever.

Plus, you should demand more blowjobs so she knows you value her blowjobbing.