Help with siblings divorce

[k3mps]

Hey RS, I'm in need of some help.
Long story short, my sister and her husband are going through rough times as he cheated on my sister, and still makes contact with that girl despite numerous warnings and talks between my sister and him.
She is currently here with their 2 year old son to get away from everything for 2 weeks, giving him time to think and come to a conclusion of whether he wants a family or to continue being what he wants to be.
She is strongly considering divorce if they cannot work things out however the husband does not want to divorce, because he grew up with divorced parents.
Although he doesn't want to divorce, he does not seem to want to spend time with his family.

I know this may seem private, but I feel that details should be shared for a more detailed reply.
It kills me to see her go through this and I do not know what to do to comfort her aside from the "things will work out" and "It will be alright" etc.
What can I do to comfort her and help her get through these miserable times.
Please help RS!

[!Yaminashi]

Damn sorry to hear that happened to your sister.
In my opinion there isnt really anything you CAN say that will put her mind at ease, her marriage is on the line and until she gets back home to see what he has decided, she'll keep thinking about it.

I think that dude is one selfish prick, doesnt want to divorce but doesnt want to spend time with his family and still keeps in contact with the girl he fucked.. Sounds like she's got a real winner.

Just focus on helping her out with her son while she's here.

[impulseX]

sadly, not too much can be done.

it goes one of two ways
a.) he doesn't choose your sister, she really has no choice but to divorce and to try and move on since he's made up his mind

b.) if he chooses your sister, it's still a big battle for your sister because that trust that took years to make, is now broken. shes not going to forget this, and things just wont be that easy on her. they may try and work it out for the sake of the child, but from what i can imagine, she's going to suffer regardless.

shitty deal for your sister and hope things turn out for the better for her.

[Verdasco]

seen this happen so many times, once when the mother turned into a lesbian and the father left. They had 2 kids around the age of 10 and 9 right now and are living with their grand parents

and other times with babies too!... makes me cringe on how people can be so selfish and throw away their family/loved ones when they don't find them attractive anymore. Sadly there is nothing much you can do as it is their problems but i see what you are trying to do. i Doubt helping will solve anything as it adds more gasoline to the fire of what the current relationship already is. If he can not handle a divorce, why can't he grow the fuck up and be an adult, a man. I coming from a divorced family knows what it feels like.

[fliptuner]

Be glad your nephew is only 2. It'd be a lot harder for him if he were say 6-10.

All you can do is support your sister in whatever she decides and help her make good choices, since she's probably in somewhat of a fragile state.

Don't attempt to confront her husband unless it's absolutely necessary. It can only exacerbate the problem and she'll be the one dealing with the brunt of the consquences.

Good luck to all of you.

[dinosaur]

I think it would help her to have some honest conversations with her. Saying, "don't worry", or "it will be okay", are fine things to say, but maybe you should have a good hard honest conversation. It might help her out of this 'limbo' she is floating in right now. Is she happy? Was she happy before the cheating? When is enough enough? What would she do in the future of she left him? Have her answer some honest questions to help her think this out.

Do you feel comfortable enough to do so?

Or, you could try and build her confidence. If she is thinking about divorce, let her know that she doesn't have to wait for him. Why is he making the decisions? Why did she leave for him to make up his mind on whether he wants to be with her. Does she WANT to be with him? Yes, let her know everything will be okay, but let her know why. She is strong, resourceful, smart, etc....

This is a terrible time and no one every wants to see this happen, but this can also be a time where you and your sister really become close. She will need your support.

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

uh maybe you should identify why the man is seeing another woman.

i have a few male friends that are married with kids, and... they sorta see/fuck other women.

they're obviously much more ninja about it. they feel guilt. but they're men.

they all tell me, "fuck man, my wife isn't putting out, and when she does it's like i have to beg and she just lays there, i get it like once a month now, that's fuckin not fun man. i work all day, come home and all she has to do is take care of the kids, the place is a FUCKING mess, on her spare time from the kids all she does is watch her fucking soap operas on her ipad, even at night in bed, all i ask is place is neat and tidy when i get home."

lol, i'd fuckin cheat if my wife wasn't being the same woman i married.

you should find out the details.

or maybe the wife is perfect and the guy is just a douche and doesn't know how to properly keep secrets.

[freakshow]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

i work all day, come home and all she has to do is take care of the kids, the place is a FUCKING mess, on her spare time from the kids all she does is watch her fucking soap operas on her ipad, even at night in bed, all i ask is place is neat and tidy when i get home."

lol, i'd fuckin cheat if my wife wasn't being the same woman i married.

oh yeah, cause that's basically a brainless job..

[Soundy]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

uh maybe you should identify why the man is seeing another woman.

There is this - true, he may be a selfish prick... on the other hand, maybe she's a selfish bitch who doesn't bother to show him any interest. I'm not just talking about whether she puts out, either - she wants him to be a part of the family, but does she TREAT him like part of the family? Does he have any say (assuming HE has any interest) in how the kids are brought up? In household decisions? Assuming he actually WANTS to be involved in this family... is she ALLOWING him to be? Or does she just treat him like an ATM?

I've seen this happen - trust me, not all "family guys" are just interested in whether the mother of their kids continues to spread her legs for him.

Not that this is an "excuse" either, and I know that it will be hard for OP to admit that his sister may actually have faults and be partly to blame for the situation as well...

Originally Posted by freakshow

oh yeah, cause that's basically a brainless job..

Not sure whether to fail Ulic's post or not... I get the idea it's meant tongue-in-cheek, however... a lot of guys think this way. I've done the Mr. Mom thing, staying home with the kid while she works. It's NOT an easy thing. Keeping the house up can be pretty much a full-time job in itself, especially if the SO is a slob.

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

lol, i'd fuckin cheat if my wife wasn't being the same woman i married.

There's an old saying... "Men get married hoping she won't change... women get married hoping he WILL."

[miss_crayon]

I know exactly what you're going through and my best advice is to tell them to put their bullshit behind them for now and decide what is best for their kid first. When you're a parent, your child comes first. Not the drama of who cheated on who, or how someone doesn't want a divorce because of their previous past.

My niece was 2 when her parents seperated and even though she was young...kids aren't as oblivious as most would think. They know when their parents are upset, and they know when something is wrong. They might be able to voice their feelings (hell, they don't even know it's sadness they feel) but they know it's bad and in turn can really screw them up in the long run.

If the marriage can be saved, then save it. If it can't then it can't. Don't drag their kid along this rollercoaster ride.

[Spoon]

Originally Posted by bonestock

however the husband does not want to divorce, because he grew up with divorced parents.

Or he's learnt from his deadbeat dad that paying alimony will suck the life out of him. Why would he want to go down that route when he can have his cake and eat it too?

The time for warnings and discussions is over. He's shown you that he doesn't care. Divorce him, take half the assets plus alimony. Screw him over for the next 10+ years.

[!Yaminashi]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

uh maybe you should identify why the man is seeing another woman.

i have a few male friends that are married with kids, and... they sorta see/fuck other women.

they're obviously much more ninja about it. they feel guilt. but they're men.

they all tell me, "fuck man, my wife isn't putting out, and when she does it's like i have to beg and she just lays there, i get it like once a month now, that's fuckin not fun man. i work all day, come home and all she has to do is take care of the kids, the place is a FUCKING mess, on her spare time from the kids all she does is watch her fucking soap operas on her ipad, even at night in bed, all i ask is place is neat and tidy when i get home."

lol, i'd fuckin cheat if my wife wasn't being the same woman i married.

you should find out the details.

or maybe the wife is perfect and the guy is just a douche and doesn't know how to properly keep secrets.

This post completely mindfucks me. It's douchey in some ways if you're trying to see it from both sides, but if you read it with only a male mindset it's spot on. Not sure whether to thank or not

[freakshow]

Originally Posted by !Yaminashi

It's douchey in some ways if you're trying to see it from both sides, but if you read it with only a male mindset it's spot on. Not sure whether to thank or not

Since when would a post merit a thanks if it's only good when viewed from one angle?

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

Originally Posted by freakshow

oh yeah, cause that's basically a brainless job..

it's not a brainless job.

but if it's your ONLY job it should be done.

if your only job is to take care of the house and kids. it should be done. right?

[hirevtuner]

how old is your sister and her husband? if they are in their late 20's, then it could mean that the guy is still not fully settled down or not mature to have a family

nothing you are really say or do on your part but be there for your sister and her child

[Spoon]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

it's not a brainless job.

but if it's your ONLY job it should be done.

if your only job is to take care of the house and kids. it should be done. right?

Spoken like a true single guy. Try taking care of one full time, it's a lot of work.

Many a times I've informed my co-workers that when I'm taking a day off work to spend a day with my kid (toddler), it's not actually a "day off". In fact I get tired out by the evening just because of how physically demanding they are.

While I love spending time with my kid, work is a lot less "work".

[!Yaminashi]

Originally Posted by freakshow

Since when would a post merit a thanks if it's only good when viewed from one angle?

Because he does make some good points, but he went about it in a less sensitive way.

I'm not married nor do I have kids, but IMO as busy as a married couple gets they should always remember how to be a husband and a wife as well, not just parents. Make time for each other. It doesnt have to be sex, just sit together for a while and talk. I'm not saying that cheating was justified here, but when a couple's intimacy dwindles like that, something is wrong.

Same goes for people in relationships that are busy. People in their mid twenties that are working hard trying to further themselves sometimes forget how to be in their relationship, resulting in their S/O feeling neglected and resentment builds.

I'm sure alot of people disagree with what I just said but that's the best I can explain it. That being said, cheating is never justified.

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

Originally Posted by Spoon

Spoken like a true single guy. Try taking care of one full time, it's a lot of work.

Many a times I've informed my co-workers that when I'm taking a day off work to spend a day with my kid (toddler), it's not actually a "day off". In fact I get tired out by the evening just because of how physically demanding they are.

While I love spending time with my kid, work is a lot less "work".

lol

well i dont know much about you, and how you were raised and how you take care of your kid

but im basing it off my experience of seeing different families with kids.

and my experience coming from a family of 3 boys.

why is it some moms with 3 kids can still keep the house clean and have meals prepared every meal?

why is it some moms with 1 kid cant get anything done?

why is it some people can't even keep their place clean with no kids?

the only thing they have in common is it's their only job and they don't have any help.

yeah no shit it's hard. you're raising a human being. it's still no excuse for the place being a mess.

so can we come to a conclusion that some moms work harder than others?
some moms are smarter than others?

those with children old enough to put things back where they got them, but still don't. you aren't instilling enough discipline in them. if reasoning doesnt work, go with the universal language. corporal punishment.

yeah i understand toddlers like to throw shit everywhere and all that.



im talking about the moms (or dads), where your ONLY job is to take care of the kids.
there should be no exception. for the house "not being taken care of"

things should be tidy.
things should be clean.
meals should be prepared.

if you have a job. yeah fine, being tired is an excuse.



ok i'll clarify.

the reason i started this was because the OP was very quick to ask for advice on how to comfort his sister during these hard times.

im not the type to comfort someone, even if they're family, if they're WRONG.

you have to know both sides of the story.

to some of you, cheating might not ever be justified (to me it is), but regardless. even if he didnt cheat, lol people get tired and will eventually divorce or get in a huge fight and punch each other out or whatever.
the end result is the same.

the focus should not be on the cheating, or fighting, or whatever.

the focus should be on why one person is straying away or acting the way they are.
if the answer is logical, then there is a logical fix to it.
if it's unlogical, then you can try to reason with them. if that fails, then well, it's destined to not work out.

people focus on the wrong things. actions come from a series of events that lead up to it. the events are what matters, not the end action.

[J89]

^
Bossssss post

[freakshow]

I agree that if it's your only job, it should be done as best you can. If you're watching 3 hours of Days of Our Lives everyday, then, yeah, that's a problem. But some kids also make life harder than others. With 3 boys, i'm impressed that your mom was able to have everything clean, tidy and meals prepared; and it's clear that you get your work ethic from her as well.

However, for the guy, IMO, there is no excuse for coming home demanding everything be done and taken care of, and that's a sure way to ruin a relationship. IMO, when the guy comes home, I don't care how hard his day was, time to man up, take the kids out of your wifes arms, or help her make dinner, help clean, do something. If you think you can come home each day, sit on your la-z-boy and have a budwiser, i guess you might as well go cheat, since that's all you'd be good for.

I also don't imagine that many people out there would want to trade their day job for a stay-at-home parent job. Why? it's just simply way more work. 9-5 would be a dream come true.

anyways, sorry for derailing the thread.. one way to help, and i know many people would be opposed to this, but they could try to get professional help. talk to a counselor or something. see if they both even *want* to work it out. If not, just be there to support her as she get's the divorce process started.
And when I say 'support', i don't mean pat her on the back, or watch the kids while she makes food. Be creative, plan a day for her to go out with some friends and arrange a baby sitter; take her to her favourite restaurant; do something special for the kids, etc.

[Soundy]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

why is it some moms with 3 kids can still keep the house clean and have meals prepared every meal?

why is it some moms with 1 kid cant get anything done?

why is it some people can't even keep their place clean with no kids?

Why is it some guys can tear down and rebuild an engine in an afternoon and others take a whole weekend to do an oil change? Some things come easier for some people than for others.

Originally Posted by miss_crayon

I know exactly what you're going through and my best advice is to tell them to put their bullshit behind them for now and decide what is best for their kid first. When you're a parent, your child comes first. Not the drama of who cheated on who, or how someone doesn't want a divorce because of their previous past.

My niece was 2 when her parents seperated and even though she was young...kids aren't as oblivious as most would think. They know when their parents are upset, and they know when something is wrong. They might be able to voice their feelings (hell, they don't even know it's sadness they feel) but they know it's bad and in turn can really screw them up in the long run.

If the marriage can be saved, then save it. If it can't then it can't. Don't drag their kid along this rollercoaster ride.

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

Originally Posted by Soundy

Why is it some guys can tear down and rebuild an engine in an afternoon and others take a whole weekend to do an oil change? Some things come easier for some people than for others.

probably because of lack of knowledge, lack of interest, lack of practice. or a mixture of the 3.

but when it comes to your own kids... and your own house.
it seems to me that everyone should have those as priorities right?
everyone should practice enough or seek out knowledge to keep the top two priorities sorted out? kids and home are much more important than an engine.

almost everyone has a home.
and most people will have kids.


anyways, my original intent was just to thwart out any white knights that jumped to conclusions.

[Soundy]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

probably because of lack of knowledge, lack of interest, lack of practice. or a mixture of the 3.

Or just a lack of "knack". It's the same with almost anything - some people have an innate skill for certain tasks, where the way to accomplish something just looks obvious, and getting to that end just seems to flow naturally.

Case in point was when I was working in IT at a tech school... another tech was dreading the process of installing a Photoshop plugin one at a time on about three dozen machines in four different labs. I opened a command prompt on my computer and whipped up a little DOS batch that pushed it out, job done in five minutes. It wasn't even a priority FOR ME... I just had a particular skill that made that job easy, something my co-worker hadn't even thought of before that, let alone having the knowledge to do it (he called it my "black-screen shit" )

but when it comes to your own kids... and your own house.
it seems to me that everyone should have those as priorities right?
everyone should practice enough or seek out knowledge to keep the top two priorities sorted out? kids and home are much more important than an engine.

It's not necessarily a function of priorities. Same thing applies here as to any other job: some will find it "second nature" to just whip through a house and have it spotless in minutes. Others have to put a lot of thought into what order to do things in, and may have to double-back on some tasks, or re-start them, or stop to re-think them. Doesn't mean it's not a priority, just means the PROCESS doesn't come as naturally, and takes more time and effort to do the same task.

[Gridlock]

Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma

to some of you, cheating might not ever be justified (to me it is), but regardless. even if he didnt cheat, lol people get tired and will eventually divorce or get in a huge fight and punch each other out or whatever.
the end result is the same.

the focus should not be on the cheating, or fighting, or whatever.

the focus should be on why one person is straying away or acting the way they are.
if the answer is logical, then there is a logical fix to it.
if it's unlogical, then you can try to reason with them. if that fails, then well, it's destined to not work out.

people focus on the wrong things. actions come from a series of events that lead up to it. the events are what matters, not the end action.

WOW.

Just a few things I find offensive about that.

A...cheating is never, NEVER "justified". Oh, you can come up with 100 different excuses of why you went and slept around...she let herself go, she's a lazy twat, I slipped, tripped and fell in that vagina penis first. You name it.

All of those are wonderful reasons to sit her down and say, "here's the deal going forward...choose one: I stay, and fuck around. I leave, and fuck around. Or I fuck around and you pretend not to know. Let me know your choice."

Why do guys sleep around? Because we can. Because it feels good. Because we want a place set up for them to go.

Why don't guys have a conversation like I outlined above? Because we CAN'T. Because it feels BAD. Because it leaves us EXPOSED. She could kick your ass out, and you now have no where to go.

You are asking for a logical reason? What, she was asking for it? Even if she were a big fucking bitch, that's not a reason to be out sleeping around, that's a reason to do something about it. Leave, stay or whatever.

[Gridlock]

Originally Posted by bonestock

Hey RS, I'm in need of some help.
Long story short, my sister and her husband are going through rough times as he cheated on my sister, and still makes contact with that girl despite numerous warnings and talks between my sister and him.
She is currently here with their 2 year old son to get away from everything for 2 weeks, giving him time to think and come to a conclusion of whether he wants a family or to continue being what he wants to be.
She is strongly considering divorce if they cannot work things out however the husband does not want to divorce, because he grew up with divorced parents.
Although he doesn't want to divorce, he does not seem to want to spend time with his family.

I know this may seem private, but I feel that details should be shared for a more detailed reply.
It kills me to see her go through this and I do not know what to do to comfort her aside from the "things will work out" and "It will be alright" etc.
What can I do to comfort her and help her get through these miserable times.
Please help RS!

There isn't a lot you CAN do.

My sister got divorced with 3 kids, and ended up in a bitter custody battle.

I couldn't say anything, because I didn't know what she was going through. You want to counsel her...you can't. She either loves him, or she doesn't. He either loves her, or he doesn't.

I'm not one of those people that think that cheating is an automatic end to the relationship.