Would you say something?

[Yuffa]

We all have seen one, someone of us might be guilty of being one. I'm talking about the Facebook friend that is so obviously vain and downright blatant about how beautiful they are. I'm talking about friends who status updates are 90% of the time about how great they look, or how great complete strangers on the street tell them they look.

What should we do about them? Is it best to say or not to say something to them? Most of the time when it's an acquaintance, its best to just click "un-subscribe". Why waste the effort of a stranger? The dilemma occurs when it comes to a friend you actually care for and want the best for. What should one say to such a person? How would they respond to this kind of "for their benefit" criticism?

Well, I've just had the unfortunate experience of saying something to a vain friend I care for. Most of the time I simply ignore people who are like this. But with her, I did not want to see her go through life suffering from the fall out of such prideful and boastful behavior. She doesn't see that prideful attitudes like this pushes away the very type of people she wanted and needed in her life. The people that are drawn to her end up being the exact people she complains about.

We met at church and she was kind to me so I felt more compassion for her. At times she also posts about how she desperately wanted to be loved and feel so lonely because she can't find guys who like her for more than just looks. There's a hint of her desire to find more in life. At a deeper level, she is compensating for how she really feels about herself; worthless without the daily affirmations from her friends even if it's about her appearance.

I had to say something, she was doing too much damage to her reputation. I privately messaged her and gently told her that things like this is best shared with someone she can trust, someone that deserves to know. That she should keep her own personal thoughts in a private journal rather than on the internet.

I thought we had a good chat and she would stop but a week later, she is back at it. I spent so much time and effort trying to gently tell her to stop but it was getting no where. The sugar-coated methods got us no where; so I will just have to tell her straight up. I private messaged and told her to stop being so full of herself. She did not respond well at all, she denied it and un-friended me.

I am upset that she failed to see that I am one of the very few people who is still on her side. We have another mutual friend (that she also un-friended) that would stalk her FB posts and mock and make fun of them behind her back. I actually private messaged him and told him to stop with the internet bullying.

I'm sad for her and feel a little discouraged but at least I tried.

tl: dr Good friend that is lonely and desperate constantly post FB status that results in hurtful comments. Un-friended me after I called her out privately.

What would you do?

[pyon88]

You've already tried your best to help her out and be a true friend. If she doesn't want to listen, then she has it coming to her. I wouldn't think too much about it, it isn't worth your time.

[JKam]

For someone I actually care about, I would tell them like you did. Otherwise I'd unsubscribe or un-friend them.

[Isaiah11]

had a similar "friend"

completely self absorbed

so much so, she was bitching about people not contributing to the relief of the tsunami japan crisis. shes japanese and super proud about that. Funny thing, she was about to buy an Audi. It upset a lot of her friends. I got tempted and trolled her. Unfriended

people with big egos are hard if not impossible to change, it may take a while till they realize the immaturity of their ways

[Culverin]

She sounds very insecure of herself, seeking fulfillment and self-worth in the wrong people and places.

Not everybody handles being called out the same.
Some are more reasonable, some more temperamental, and some people just be cray-cray.

While I think your intentions may be for her best, and your actions as well, it seems like you found the right combination where her reaction to it isn't so good.
If your friendship means anything to you, then I would try to patch it up.


Personality issues such as seeking fulfillment through compliments and attention isn't something that goes away easily. I would think the deeper those insecurities run, the fewer people they can respond to calling them out.
Even with the right friends, her issues sound like something that she really needs to realize herself. And even then, realizing it and coming to terms with it can take years. Let along learning to fight it alone and with the support of others.


I think the questions you must ask yourself are:

1. Do you think she is worth your energy?
2. Do you think you have the energy for a long term friendship?

If you don't, it's ok as well, not everybody is strong enough to prop up those around them.

Just be honest with yourself, if you mean well, but can't follow through with it, then I would say just explain your intentions 1 more time and leave it at that.




Side note as a fellow Christian.
I have seen a strong intentional community with brothers and sisters change lives. Are you ready for that?

[dinosaur]

i dont have that problem.

all my friends are ugly and know it.

[H.Specter]

she can't post on facebook if she's dead.

[Psykopathik]

so this friend doesnt have a phone or a place she lives at? she only exists online?

go see her face to face. durrr.....

[Iceman-19]

Stop wasting your time. You aren't going to change her since she will continue to be treated the way she is, used and abused by men. The cycle will continue until shes a single mom. Shes probably on POF too.

[melloman]

^^

Your friend sounds like shes an attention whore. To be blunt, she denied your "gentle help" because she enjoys the attention she gets when she posts about the "superficial guys" and everything else. She also likes it to be known that guys think shes pretty, and everybody wants to fuck her.

One day, when shes 45, lonely, and shes been ridden more then the roller coaster at Playland, she'll realize how dumb she is/was. It's one of those things that she just has to figure out for herself if she won't listen to others.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the un-friend from FB, and just cut contact. She clearly isn't a true friend if she's not willing to listen to your criticism, or she's still in a childs state of mind.

[El Bastardo]

Facebook is great. Its a tool that allows people to explore their unbridled narcissism and literally have a one-sided conversation with all of their friends at once.

Thanks to Facebook I've learned who is shallow, stupid, homophobic, religious, ignorant, and gullible. I've learned who I need to unfriend both on Facebook and in real life.

People judge you by the company you keep. Its unfortunate, but true. If you're not able to simply ignore what they say then maybe you should drop them from your friends list.

Likely you telling her that shes behaving obnoxiously will be treated as an attack on her, or a criticism. She'll feel you're acting out of jealousy and not of compassion for a friend. Her self absorbed attitude won't let her believe that someone is acting out of her best interests because in her world, she is the nucleus. Everyone surrounds her and exists only for her needs.

The best case scenario is to ride it out until she grows out of this phase.

[PJ]

Agree with El B.

Let her learn for herself.

Good on you for trying to help her, but people like that don't want to/can't be helped.

[vvd]

I agree with everyone. You've done what you can. She can't be helped if she doesn't want to be. She likes the attention she gets. Telling everyone about her problems is also a way of getting attention. Also, her complaining about people being superficial is pretty ironic considering how she's acting.

I was pretty surprised when you mentioned meeting her at church. I thought that pride was a cardinal sin...?

[ree666]

mission white knight failed.

[toyobaru]

Another one of those hopeless fake girls who doesnt know what she wants in life. Dont waste your time. You have better things to do. People who are too self absorbed with themselves will only get people who are into the physical features of a woman. She'll probably end up with a guy who beats her like all the other gold diggers

[inv4zn]

OP I'm not sure how old you are, but as you get older you'll realize that you can't save the world. Hurts, but it's true.

It's a terrible feeling to watch helplessly as someone you really care about destroys themselves, but that's kind of the way shit is sometimes. Unless you're going to go to exorbitantly out of your way to "save her" from destroying herself, then it's probably in your best interest to walk away.

If you were to keep trying, you're going to have to endure everything for a much longer time, until that day when she breaks, and then be there for her. But unless you've been friends since you were both 2 years old, I don't see how one can have such an attachment to just "a friend."

[GLOW]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

i like to live a drama free life. this friend of yours sounds like drama.

[miss_crayon]

You did what you had to do and that was to talk some sense into her. People aren't going to change because someone told them to unless it's on their own terms.

The fact is, there are many people in this world who have self confidence issues. Some people make themselves feel better by boasting how beautiful they are (like your friend), overly pronounce how much of a sex obsessed person they are, how they are "better" than you with the lavish gifts they receive or buy, or how they are so ugly that no one could ever want them etc etc only to try and gain attention from people so they'll feel accepted.

It's never going to fully stop until they realize on their own what they are doing is self damaging to their self image and mentality. You did what you could and you should just leave it at that.

There's this girl on my fb that spends every second of her day saying how sad she is, how life fucking sucks all because she craves being in love. Everytime a new guy starts to like her, she automatically falls head over heels in love and eventually chases him away (sometimes even before it happens!) because she's so fucking desperate. I want to tell her to slow her role but I know it will do nothing. So instead, I let her do her thing, she cries her little eyes out for months cause she's so insecure, the "relationship" ends, she cries some more...then finds a new guy...starts "smiling again and feeling positive" and the cycle continues until she finds her next John. She won't realize how stupid this all is until she actually starts to realize she's a mess and needs to figure her own shit out for once.

[H.Specter]

did we stop doing the whole posting pictures thing?
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[inv4zn]

revscene has gotten considerably more mature in the past few years or so.

In some ways it makes me a bit sad lolol. I don't think I've seen "post pics of g/f" in a very long time.

[GLOW]

Originally Posted by inv4zn

revscene has gotten considerably more mature in the past few years or so.

either that or people are afraid to get failed or points

[Gridlock]

You don't want to delete her, because, you know...you kind of take a little joy in watching this shit.

The key is to select that they don't show up in your news feed as much, but when you are bored, you can check out what they are doing and have a laugh.

You can sit there and complain about a bunch of facebook shit. My pet peeve is the people that put up 1000 photos of the same fucking cat, or of their kids...same fucking kids...over and over. Same smile. Same pose.

Do I want to message them and be like, w...t...fucking fuck fuck? Sometimes. But I refrain.

Life could be worse. I have EB on my fb list, and some of the bestiality porn he posts is really tasteless. I don't want to make him feel bad for it....I do have a cat I should introduce him to though.

Honestly...just ignore the bitch and have a good laugh when she digs some gold and he cheats on her or she gets fat or something.

[Yuffa]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm glad to see that most of it is positive and we can all relate to this 'friend' in some ways.

I mean.....for most people it's easy to just brush it off and leave her at it and let her figure herself out. But I don't think I want to give up yet. I will probably wait it out for another couple months and try to get her to come out and see how it goes....

[dinosaur]

Dude man....you are spending WAY TOO MUCH time thinking about this 'friend'.

[vafanculo]

You should make a screenpage of compilations of her posts, and somehow tie it into those 'this is what you think I do' memes.

"This is how you think we act when we see your posts" (picture of the guy doing a slow clap)

"This is how we really act" (variuos pictures of people doing facepalms)
Also include one picture of Nelson from simpsons doing his signature HAHA laugh.
She might get the hint.
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