General Opinion on feelings lost

[BallPeenHammer2]

Just bit of a rant and request for opinions.

I was introduced to this girl a few months ago by a mutual friend. The attraction was instant and we started hanging out more and more frequently, until we eventually started dating.

The first few months were pretty hot and heavy, and I started falling for her hard. 3 weeks ago, I noticed she started behaving a little bit more colder.
She asked for a bit of space. Which I gave to her, although I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.

Then last week (on CYN), when she came over for our date night, first thing she did was start crying her eyes out while holding on to me after she walked in the door. She asked to break up. citing that her feelings were fading and now are gone. I was and still am pretty devastated. We've never fought, or had large arguements. I've been pretty open about how I am and how I would like to be treated in a relationship, welcomed her to open up about that too, and have numerous times communicated to her the importance of honesty and communication.

Now this isn't the first relationship where it's been serious for me. and i've been around the block a few times over the years.

My main question is: How does one LOSE feelings for another in a span of 2 weeks? Just before that she mentioned that she was liking me more and more, and thinks that this could be love.

My personal belief (cuz I've had it too) is that usualy it's when the other does something that the other person just can't get past.

It doesn't need ot be anything significant. It could be something big or something as small as the way they talk in a certain kind of situation. I usually find this kinda shit out within the first month of dating someone.


The secondary question: Why the fuck do woman always break up with you, then cite 2 weeks to see if they feel it come bacK?

I mean, we all know that those 2 weeks is just a mercy killing timeline, where they steel their hearts to come back and rip your heart out a second time. So why do they bother? and why do we bother? I ended up telling her, after a few days of angry back and forths, that "If it isn't about reconciling, then we have nothing to talk about anymore"


The third question: Why would she try to talk to you after breaking up? Just missing companionship? if so. That shit's kinda cold. She has tried to talk to me like we used to, send me funny text pics, etc. basically, trying to treat me like a normal friend albiet knowing the underlining issue that would be why I CANNOT reciprocate.


The fourth question: In an situation like this, there is no going back, is therE? None of that giving her 2 weeks of silence and maybe she'll turn around garbage. In my experience, Once a woman "loses her feelings" for a man, that's it. There's no going back.


The fifth question: We're both very sentimental people. (She still has a chocolate bar I got her randomly at a gas station when we started dating). However i'm the type to return EVERYTHING the ex has at my place. That included everything she gave me (clothing, candy, gifts) as well as personal belongings, even down to something I owned but she used exclusively while were together, to even the food she brought over. (She was gonna wait until AFTER our date the night of the breakup. She even packed me a lunch. WTF?).

Is this an individual thing? or is what I do considered cruel/cold?


The last question, which is kinda WEIRD: WHY THE FUCK WOULD U TOUCH MY CROTCH AND TELL ME THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS YOU'LL MISS THE MOST DURING A FUCKING BREAKUP?! NOT LIKE U'RE EVER GONNA SEE IT AGAIN!!!. Shit. I called her out on it and she was like "oh it's too weird to do it now".

^ sorry, that one's more of a rant than a question, but feel free anyway.

I mean, I like to THINK I have a grasp on all these questions, but nevertheless, thought I should spit out one of the most common sets of questions (minus the last one) most ppl have in their minds in a situation like this. Your comments and thoughts would be appreciated.




Thanks all.

[MindBomber]

Wait, so you're trying to understand women?

Good luck with that.

[SkinnyPupp]

Stop wondering anything. The sooner you move on, the better
Posted via RS Mobile

[BallPeenHammer2]

its insight i'm looking for, really.

to better understand the whys and hows of things like these, and to see if my own experience/beliefs make general sense.

i'm already working on moving on (this one will take a bit of time, unfortunately), but yeah, sometimes a little guidance from others with differnt perspectives would be nice. Instead of smartass-ery.

I HATE this way of breakups. It leaves everything so open.

[Prolowtone]

Fuck i hit the back button on my mouse and lost what i typed

You seem to already have your own questions answered. It sucks, but it takes two for a relationship right. She has made it quite obvious that she is not as committed so i would think about moving on. Yes it is easier said then done..

1. Could be a number of things from insecure feelings to finding out that the love was more of an attraction. Its best to not bother dwelling on it as it does not help you move onto finding someone else.

2. Those results are still undergoing research and the scientists are out to lunch at the moment. This could also be due insecure feelings or Seeing how you react.. as if testing if you care.

3. Possibly to see if you are pissed off or not or trying to break the tension, could even be out of habit or boredom. Common occurrence to receive texts like that.

4. Thats the way i see it, damage has been done. Sometimes people will get back together if they were together awhile but in your case it was quite a short period of time so there is not much to hold you together ..

5. ...So you want the chocolate bar back . It does depend on the person. Think about divorce. Some people keep the ring and sell it or they give it back as they want nothing to do with the other person.

6.
..Not quite sure how to answer that other then her planting the its not you its me bomb

[hyek]

I had a similar case, the best choice of action is just don't give a fuck. Don't waste your time on these type of girls. You got choices too, why stick with one if its a problem.

1. women logic, its usually she did something behind your back...
2. they don't come back, they just say it to give you false hope.
3. what prolowtone said.
4. Why bother going back..? she's the one who lost feeling for you.
5. I am the type that keeps everything and put it away, and then look back at it when im bored. so it depends on the person.
6. if she wants to be fwbs why not, if not fuck it. Go find another girl.

[dinosaur]

Sounds like you keep dating the same type of chicks.

You should probably take some time to figure out what you want in an SO and stay away from chick who hang on to chocolate bars for sentimental value. I don't mean this with disrespect or to insult you or her....but adults don't do shit like that. Nor do they run into your arms hysterically crying when breaking up with someone....or pat your dick while saying good-bye.

I am not sure how old you are, but it may be time to re-evaluated what you are seeking and re-direct your attention to adult women.

[BallPeenHammer2]

thanks guys.

I'm just really fucking angry about it. i hate having to wake up with a hole in my heart. I hate having to force everything out of myself just to stay sane.

I hate that I sometimes revert to when I was 16 and lose my shit.

i'm 30, so i've been in many relationships. I just never expected this one to hurt so much.

And no, I don't date the same kind of chicks. She's different actually from everyone else I've dated before.

didn't know about the chocolate bar til yesterday, actually

[BallPeenHammer2]

and dinosaur: I agree with everything u said about what adults don't do. That's why I was like WTF?!?!?!

And she was everything that I thougt she was that I wanted in an SO.

[mr_chin]

Maybe she's feeling insecure and try to see how you react if you lost her. Maybe she's just a crazy bitch that fucks with people's feelings. Maybe you pissed her off and you didn't know. But whatever it is, don't let her affect you on how you see women.

IMO, anybody who suddenly comes to you and said I lost feelings without giving a reasonable explanation is not worth your time. It's obvious that they don't appreciate the feelings (if they ever had any in the beginning) they feel and the feelings you give in return. Best to just learn from this and not fall for another one next time.

Some people come into your life just to teach you how to let go.
Posted via RS Mobile

[Noir]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer2

thanks guys.

I'm just really fucking angry about it. i hate having to wake up with a hole in my heart. I hate having to force everything out of myself just to stay sane.

I hate that I sometimes revert to when I was 16 and lose my shit.

Been there, done that. I know exactly what you're going through.



The way I got past it is that I realized (or forced myself to realize) that I'm not really angry at her. I was angry at the situation. Specifically, I was angry because her feelings no longer paralleled mine and I was angry that she had every right to do so. She had every right to fall in love with someone else, or just plainly fall out of love with me. I wasn't really angry that she strung me along. If anything, I should be happy that she gave me a shot, a try, a test drive; That she thought I was good enough to consider having a relationship with; or wanting exclusivity.

*key word = considering

In the end, her decision was not parrallel to mine. But I realized only pussies cry about things that don't go their way. Spoiled babies who can't handle that life will not always agree with them. When I realized this, I hated her less and less but I started feeling more and more embarrassed, childish, and weak-willed.

There were times that I abused the bottle because of this. (I know it's an unhealthy advice and the textbook answer says don't do this, but for some reason, alcohol helped me a lot during this time). The reason why I resorted to the bottle is because:

1) I didn't really want my friends or people close to me see how much of a wreck I am; or me in my worst possible state. So I didn't go to them in my time of need and I self medicated.

2) I also didn't want to burden my friends with my shit, my drama. (although I do always tell my friends that I'm always there for them) It's just my personal preference that I don't want my friends to catch my grief even though I know without hesitation they've got my back.


During this time, I had a lot of self reflection, there was a lot of "coming to terms" with a lot of things. I started asking, am I inadequate? was I just careless? Did I play it wrong? Was I too serious too fast, or was I too casual? etc. I started coming to terms that I am not perfect nor this will be my last mistake. I started to accept that I could be 20, 30 or 40 and I will still have a lot to learn. I let go of my pride and the stigma that men must always be alpha and for some odd reason (and I can't explain why) but I started feeling better and better about myself when I let all of that alpha male bullshit go.


I know it sucks to feel that your feelings are at rock bottom right now but it was during this time that I had to dig deep. When I got past it, I really saw what I was made of and I came out a different person at the end of it. It completely altered me, my philosophy, my approach to life, love and friends. In retrospect, I started to appreciate this most humbling experience. I started blaming things that upset me less and less (in this case the exgf) and I started looking at myself more and more... is there anything I could've done? can I be better? is there more room to grow?

In the end, learning this approach has made me a less angry person, a little bit more humble, a bit more understanding at things I can't control, possibly a bit more patient.





Oh and btw, it's a bit of a tangent but you come out sexier in the end. Seriously, I learned that girls find humility and empathy sexier than the macho, tough guy, gangster, nobody can mess with me attitude; which is 95% of the guys in Vancouver's game . (unless you're going for gangster girls; my shit doesn't fly well with gangster girls and is not really my niche)



So yeah. All in all, hate her less and less by hating yourself more and more. When you do that, dig deep and self reflect and possibly try to grow out of it. Seriously, there's nothing more unprogressive than a guy who thinks he's perfect, is never wrong, or is never at fault. I always pity guys who blames everyone else but them and wonder why shit never gets better for them.







Sorry for the long post

[Drow]

iono u shud approach every girl with the expectation that shit isnt gonna turn out like a story from a romantic novel, aka dont get too attached

[Quacks]

Feelings fading after an intense start? Sounds like what happened with me a long time ago, and that was because I walked into it having no idea what I wanted and just rode the emotions until it it became less exciting (he ended off things with me, it was just a matter of time and I lacked the ability to make decisions).

What Noir said up there? Absolutely golden.

[Mr.HappySilp]

Girls like surprise. If you pour your heart out too early then there is no surprise and they lose that "feeling". Think of the dating game as a game of poker, never let anyone on the table knows your card. Same thing in a relationship like the girl guess your card.

[BallPeenHammer2]

Originally Posted by Noir

Been there, done that. I know exactly what you're going through.



The way I got past it is that I realized (or forced myself to realize) that I'm not really angry at her. I was angry at the situation. Specifically, I was angry because her feelings no longer paralleled mine and I was angry that she had every right to do so. She had every right to fall in love with someone else, or just plainly fall out of love with me. I wasn't really angry that she strung me along. If anything, I should be happy that she gave me a shot, a try, a test drive; That she thought I was good enough to consider having a relationship with; or wanting exclusivity.

*key word = considering

In the end, her decision was not parrallel to mine. But I realized only pussies cry about things that don't go their way. Spoiled babies who can't handle that life will not always agree with them. When I realized this, I hated her less and less but I started feeling more and more embarrassed, childish, and weak-willed.

There were times that I abused the bottle because of this. (I know it's an unhealthy advice and the textbook answer says don't do this, but for some reason, alcohol helped me a lot during this time). The reason why I resorted to the bottle is because:

1) I didn't really want my friends or people close to me see how much of a wreck I am; or me in my worst possible state. So I didn't go to them in my time of need and I self medicated.

2) I also didn't want to burden my friends with my shit, my drama. (although I do always tell my friends that I'm always there for them) It's just my personal preference that I don't want my friends to catch my grief even though I know without hesitation they've got my back.


During this time, I had a lot of self reflection, there was a lot of "coming to terms" with a lot of things. I started asking, am I inadequate? was I just careless? Did I play it wrong? Was I too serious too fast, or was I too casual? etc. I started coming to terms that I am not perfect nor this will be my last mistake. I started to accept that I could be 20, 30 or 40 and I will still have a lot to learn. I let go of my pride and the stigma that men must always be alpha and for some odd reason (and I can't explain why) but I started feeling better and better about myself when I let all of that alpha male bullshit go.


I know it sucks to feel that your feelings are at rock bottom right now but it was during this time that I had to dig deep. When I got past it, I really saw what I was made of and I came out a different person at the end of it. It completely altered me, my philosophy, my approach to life, love and friends. In retrospect, I started to appreciate this most humbling experience. I started blaming things that upset me less and less (in this case the exgf) and I started looking at myself more and more... is there anything I could've done? can I be better? is there more room to grow?

In the end, learning this approach has made me a less angry person, a little bit more humble, a bit more understanding at things I can't control, possibly a bit more patient.





Oh and btw, it's a bit of a tangent but you come out sexier in the end. Seriously, I learned that girls find humility and empathy sexier than the macho, tough guy, gangster, nobody can mess with me attitude; which is 95% of the guys in Vancouver's game . (unless you're going for gangster girls; my shit doesn't fly well with gangster girls and is not really my niche)



So yeah. All in all, hate her less and less by hating yourself more and more. When you do that, dig deep and self reflect and possibly try to grow out of it. Seriously, there's nothing more unprogressive than a guy who thinks he's perfect, is never wrong, or is never at fault. I always pity guys who blames everyone else but them and wonder why shit never gets better for them.







Sorry for the long post

U're absolutely right. I myself hold responsibilities for certain things. Certain things I tried to communicate to her. I'm mostly angry that there was no communication BACK on things I thought may have been problems.

And I guess it's still the considering time. Even when the girl told you otherwise.

I'm primarily angry because yes. I did feel like I got strung along.

[BallPeenHammer2]

Happyslip: I guess that's it. Our mutual friend told me after that she thought at one point was revolving around her too much. Which kinda pissed me off.

Because the first couple months, I was that guy that made her play the guessing game.

Until she said she didn't want that cuz her other BF's have all treated her really badly.

And I saw her pour everything out to me....hence I made that decision, to maybe be a little more in line with what she was doing.

huh. Who woulda knew it'd turn out like this.

[mr_chin]

Sound like you got a little insecure of the relationship and tried to secured it too fast by telling her what's good and bad (honesty, communication, etc.)

I think an important lesson to learn here is, don't declare anything so early or quickly (title, ways of a relationship, etc.) but at the same time, that doesn't mean you should hide your intentions.

OP, I think you played everything out correctly except telling her what you expect of a relationship. Going in with high expectations, or should I say, many expectations, can scare someone away. Sometimes it's better to show them your expectations then to tell them. Learn this from the last girl I tried to hit her.

[rsx]

Maybe she just doesn't want anything serious. Could be a girl that has a lot of options and you were just one of many, probably figured you weren't worth the longterm lock down.

[westopher]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer2

WHY THE FUCK WOULD U TOUCH MY CROTCH AND TELL ME THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS YOU'LL MISS THE MOST DURING A FUCKING BREAKUP?!

This sums it up IMO. It was lust, quickly mistaken for love. Me and my friends have certainly have had a fair share of these (going both ways, as in sometimes the girl ends it, sometimes the guy does)
Passion and a heavy start causes things to get crazy so fast sometimes. Awesome sex, fun times out with friends and fun activities can make a relationship seem like so much more than it really is, and just as quick as it started, once you realize, when you are just sitting around things aren't flowing quite as well, it can really make people analyze the situation and jump out quickly to avoid any further diving in to something that logically you think just isn't there. You guys were destined for a good time, not for a long time. Put a notch on your belt and look at all the girls out there and you'll quickly see its all good. I bet you guys can still even end up as friends after the original pain passes. I've honestly had like 3 of these relationships in my life. Meet awesome girl, fuck, party, go on vacations and just do awesome shit, tell each other we love each other, then we go "oh wait fuck.....I think we were wrong about this one." Its devastating at first, not just because of the break up, but because you can feel like you "fell for it" sometimes, but hey it happens so easily to passionate people when they meet. All 3 of those girls I can call up now and have a beer, and maybe even take home for the night and can drive them home in the morning and laugh about it. (Second part doesn't happen anymore as I'm in a committed relationship now though) Take some time to dust yourself off an I think you will be feeling tip top to meet a new girl pretty quick.

[BallPeenHammer2]

I should have also clarified: Both her and I were looking for something long term. As neither of us do short quickie relationships. Most of our times were not spent always partying, etc. But getting to know each other, and just enjoying each other's company.

It wasn't a CRAZY start.....but for me was kinda like that "this feels so right" kind of starts that I haven't had in a long time =(

[BallPeenHammer2]

Originally Posted by rsx

Maybe she just doesn't want anything serious. Could be a girl that has a lot of options and you were just one of many, probably figured you weren't worth the longterm lock down.

She's not because she doesn't interact/like a lot of guys too quickly too easily.

She only wants something serious, as do I.

And given her personality and lifestyle on top of that, there's not a lot of options for her.

[BallPeenHammer2]

i SHOULD apologize....I skipped out on a lot of details when I first posted this. I was angry and frustrated and couldn't sleep at 2-3AM on a saturday. And feeling shitty =(

[westopher]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer2

I should have also clarified: Both her and I were looking for something long term. As neither of us do short quickie relationships. Most of our times were not spent always partying, etc. But getting to know each other, and just enjoying each other's company.

It wasn't a CRAZY start.....but for me was kinda like that "this feels so right" kind of starts that I haven't had in a long time =(

I was only really using the partying part as an example in my experiences, but I think its relative to the first bit of excitement of getting to know each other. Things are new, and its that excitement sometimes that is the main fuel of the relationship. Anyways, all it is from my end is speculation, but I hope you feel up to par sooner than later. It certainly sucks when its unexpected. And I know how you feel as far as looking for something long term, as anytime I got to a second date I was hoping for it, but it just didn't usually work out that way.

[BallPeenHammer2]

sigh.....I fully understand what you're sayin, westopher.

One thing I should point out too....this was the first serious relationship I've had in SEVEN years.....first time I've felt like that for anyone within that time =(

[mr_chin]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer2

sigh.....I fully understand what you're sayin, westopher.

One thing I should point out too....this was the first serious relationship I've had in SEVEN years.....first time I've felt like that for anyone within that time =(

May I ask how long ago since you guys have broken up?
And do you still talk to her?