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Relationship & Gender DiscussionTHIS SPACE OPEN FOR ADVERTISEMENT. YOU SHOULD BE ADVERTISING HERE! The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...
This maybe one of these "uliq" type threads but I have a weird question.
I've met someone online a few years ago. Overtime we developed a relationship. Even though she lives quite far and I do plan on visiting her sometime in the near future, but I know in reality that unless I move to her country that it probably won't work.
The issue im having is she has replaced any type of real life communication ever since I moved because I don't know much people in Calgary. And it's getting to the point where I've become quite obsessive. For example I have difficulty acknowledging who's attractive when I go out to the bars here because to me she's the image of attraction in my head. Or when someone talks to me, my idea of a good personality is hers.
Don't get me wrong. She likes me, the feelings are there (until you meet in person hah) but in reality it isn't going to work out ever, and if it does it's going to be a major life change for me and I don't think that it's healthy for me at this point in my life to make changes.
I feel kinda dumb, but what can I change in my thought process to stop this pattern so I can actually meet girls here without having this anxious pining feeling of wanting to be with her.
Sounds like the reason she's so over-the-top perfect to you is because you've got this built up image of what she is in your mind, and this image won't be corrected until you go and meet this person. You'll realize she isn't what you thought she was, and then problem solved.
Go out expecting to meet friends. Be genuine about this because people can easily sense what your motives are if they aren't genuine. Talk to girls like you talk to guys (obviously nicer and less bullshit). Girls are normal people, they aren't out to get you and they aren't from another dimension. Sure you may have the thought of dating this cute girl you've met but everyone has that thought once in a while-- hell she might think of that too of you.
From my experience and by no means am I pick up artist or good with the ladies, I however do get compliments on how easily I can talk to... anyone. I guess it's just a feature I have but you really have to be versatile and tailor yourself to the situation-- be fluid. I talk about sex and shit to girls, as long as you make it comfortable.
To change your thought process requires you to go out there and fuck up. Reevaluate what you did wrong and how you are going to improve it later. Challenge yourself, read some books, meet some different people.
She does. We had a talk about this, but the problem is she is a single mother, so it's unrealistic for her to come visit me.
It's weird cause we think about each other a lot, and even when she was in a relationship recently with some dude, she would always post on my facebook wall how she "missed me". It's also been pretty well acknowledged through her friends that she talks about me a whole lot, she sent more snapchats to me than her own boyfriend at the time. So it's tough for me, because I've never had someone pin for me this much, and it feels kinda good?
But we are both realists and I generally feel ok with her banging other dudes and vice versa. She lives in a country that's generally pretty expensive to fly too, because if it was somewhere in the states or europe, I'd be there tomorrow.
In terms of me going out, I don't really have difficulty in that sense of meeting people, especially since the girls here think im cute plus the guys in Calgary dress like shit and have ugly fucking beards.
Sounds like the reason she's so over-the-top perfect to you is because you've got this built up image of what she is in your mind, and this image won't be corrected until you go and meet this person. You'll realize she isn't what you thought she was, and then problem solved.
That's the plan. Once I get my finances in order (it's kinda why I moved to Calgary) and have a bit of bankroll I'll be heading down.
But now comes the other question. What if she happens to be perfect? I don't even want to think about what happens then.
You are making real life decisions based on a LOT of assumption. Hey! She's awesome. Of course she is, because everything from what she says, to how she says it to what she looks like when she says it can be thought out, and metered. You don't see her having a bad day, or paying bills or being a bitch to the girl at the coffee shop because her latte wasn't 112 degrees.
And its the same for you.
So you are shooting yourself in the foot for the sake of someone that you barely know and haven't met.
You know what the answer is...either meet in person and realize she's the girl of your dreams, or go out in the city where you are, and meet some people in the same area code, but don't hold yourself back based on your own assumptions.
to be honest dude, i was in similar shoes for a year with a chick. we had a great connection online, we did MSN, emails and everything. Even though this was years ago with less technology and less temptations, we had a great mental connection with one another. 1 yr later, we met in person for vacation and it felt great but mine took the wrong turn. There are 2 ways this can end. You end up having great sex and continue to be lovers far far away, or you can end up like me where you mind was so fully blown with real life being a huge let down.
we parted ways and she'll always me my vacation fling but that's about it.
You are putting all of your eggs in one basket, which is a recipe for disaster. And you haven't even met her yet.
Go out, force yourself to meet girls. The more girls you pursue, the less of a burden your obsessiveness towards her will become. The more people you have in your line of sight, the better you will feel, which will also result in a more "realistic" outcome.
I know moving to a place where you know no one can be difficult, and it seems that the easiest thing to grasp on to is a sense of familiarity which, in your case, is her. At least you acknowledge that this sort of attachment and obsession isn't healthy. Posted via RS Mobile
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meowjinboo
I've met someone online a few years ago. Overtime we developed a relationship. Even though she lives quite far and I do plan on visiting her sometime in the near future, but I know in reality that unless I move to her country that it probably won't work.
Didn't you just answered your own question? Just go and meet her already... I am surprised you two are still in a relationship for years without meeting.
Like many other people posted here already, you don't know how you will feel towards her (and vice verse) until you two meet up in person.
I know my gf (works and lives in Japan) when I was still in Vancouver. I moved back to HK for work a years ago and I try to visit her once ever 3 months. I just moved to Japan 2 weeks ago trying to learn her language and see if we can work things out.
Bottom line is, if you are are so worry about this and that, you end up not achieving anything and going nowhere.
Life is an adventure, just give things a try~ and MAN UP
I met my wife on-line and things were much better when you click a mouse and then continue on with your day. When you have limited time, and limited chance of actually meeting one another, people tend to let down their guard, tell you things that will not come back on them.
My wife and I are now quite happy together, but when she came to Canada to be with me, we did have some intense months of "getting to know you" on a daily basis - and it wasn't anything like the on-line days. People are people, we all have our own ways and opinions.
Throwing the single mom thing only makes it more difficult. If you chose to pursue the relationship, you better be ready to treat the child like your own. Otherwise, back off and let someone else be "the man". It's a package deal - and that is not always an easy decision to commit to.
. For example I have difficulty acknowledging who's attractive when I go out to the bars here because to me she's the image of attraction in my head. Or when someone talks to me, my idea of a good personality is hers.
Why is this a bad thing?
When you meet "the one" all others kind of fall away. Yes, you can recognize "attractiveness" in others, but you are not attracted to them. Maybe she means more to you than you think.
The question is, what you waiting for? I think you had indicated in another thread that you have yet to secure a job in AB. Why not put that on hold for a week or 2 and go see her? What is more "online" time going to do for your relationship?
You are not going to stop thinking about her until that chapter is closed....and why are you trying to throw yourself at bar wenches? Are you trying to forget about your catfish or just horny?
Suck it up, princess. Walk your ass to the travel agent and buy a damn ticket. Report back.
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