[Confidential] 10 Years and no proposal yet, am I being pulled along

[El Bastardo]

The following is a submission from an anonymous Revscene member. Please keep the replies to this thread on-topic and within our rules. If the anonymous original poster would like to reply, they will do so via another anonymous post

have being going out with this guy for 10 years. The first four years it was on and off and then went on a break twice after that...

I am now 30 years old and we have talked about marriage, but he has yet to give me a straight answer. He is 38 years old.

He keeps saying that he wants to make more money and he is too focused on his job, etc. He has a good job right now, he is making just a little over $65k/ year. I make around the same. We do not live together, I feel that we shouldn't until we're married.

Am I being completely unrealistic? My parents aren't pressuring per se, but they are questioning what his intentions are with me. I honestly feel like i'm being strung along, but I have invested so much with this guy I can't see myself with anyone else. We have talked about this so many times and he has assured me that he loves me and I am the only one he loves, but actions speak louder than words.

I am okay with being engaged for two, three, or even four years, I just want to have assurance that we'll get married. Like I said, i'm 30 and I think i'm past my prime already. Where would I even start if I needed to date again? I guess it's better to start at 30, then at 35?

[Spoon]

Kinda funny answering this post since I am that guy that dated my gf for 10+ years before finally getting married. Not sure how to put this, but guys tend to fall into this comfort zone and not want to change anything. So sometimes you just need to give them a kick in the ass. Doesn't mean he loves you more or less, some people just don't want to go through the whole shebang of having a wedding.

To this day, I still firmly believe that getting married changed nothing other than the legal status.

[Jmac]

Been there, been going out w/ my GF for 11 years and we're not married ... Though, to be fair, I did propose a few years back and she said the timing wasn't right or some bullshit ... Of course, after that, things went downhill big time to the point where we were on a break several months later, were rocky for a bit after we got back to living together before things finally smoothed out, and now she's been hassling me regarding marriage for the past few months (not exactly in a rush anymore after being turned down already).

[/rambling]

But, aside from that, same scenario. I wanted to be more financially secure and just more sure altogether about how things were going to be before we got married and had kids.

Also, comfort factor definitely played a role. I'm a "don't fix it if it isn't broken" kind of guy. I also hate weddings and funerals.

I wouldn't necessarily say you're wasting your time, some guys are just like that. You should try to talk to him about it if it's concerning you ... Or propose to him (in private).

[320icar]

it says that you dont really want to move in until you are ready. how does your boyfriend feel about the situation?

[Noir]

I think the first 2 posts already covered your primary question really well, so I'll address the minor thing:


30 is sooooo not past your "dating" prime. It only feels that way because you've been with the same guy for 10 years and have never felt the need to "peacock" yourself for the last 10 years. You're just rusty, really really really rusty; but that's so easy to fix - especially for girls.


If you do come to the conclusion that he IS stringing you along and you decide to explore your options and see if there's a better candidate who's life goals are parrallel to yours, you just gotta whore yourself out (mostly figuratively speaking).



Have fun, date younger - date older. Cheat if you have to (or if that's too much, just test the waters). What's holding you back is that you're guilty of being in a certain comfort zone as well. You're afraid to leave him that's why you hesitate to see if there's something else out there; and in his case, why would he marry you? He's got you in perfectly in his comfort zone and he feels ABSOLUTELY ZERO THREAT from any other guys, or that you will leave him in general.

[bcrdukes]

This is a serious post to the OP but I think you should have coffee with me.

[$_$]

Originally Posted by Noir

I think the first 2 posts already covered your primary question really well, so I'll address the minor thing:


30 is sooooo not past your "dating" prime. It only feels that way because you've been with the same guy for 10 years and have never felt the need to "peacock" yourself for the last 10 years. You're just rusty, really really really rusty; but that's so easy to fix - especially for girls.


If you do come to the conclusion that he IS stringing you along and you decide to explore your options and see if there's a better candidate who's life goals are parrallel to yours, you just gotta whore yourself out (mostly figuratively speaking).



Have fun, date younger - date older. Cheat if you have to (or if that's too much, just test the waters). What's holding you back is that you're guilty of being in a certain comfort zone as well. You're afraid to leave him that's why you hesitate to see if there's something else out there; and in his case, why would he marry you? He's got you in perfectly in his comfort zone and he feels ABSOLUTELY ZERO THREAT from any other guys, or that you will leave him in general.

Cheat if you have to? Are you fucking serious?

[Pegacorn]

I think you really need to ask yourself what's best for you, what you want, what your timeline is, and then tell your partner. Either he's up for it, or he's not. If he's pussyfooting around answers and can't give you a straight answer that satisfies you, tell him you're not happy and what it is you need. 30 is not past your prime, honestly you may find that dating in your 30's is better, because there may be more people who are ready to settle down and want the same things as you. Also, don't be afraid to date younger, it's awesome. I understand the pressure of being a 30-something woman and getting dicked around isn't as cute as it was in your 20's. You've got to lay it out there and make sure you're on the same page. After 10 years, you should figure out if you want the same things and if your timelines match up. It's all about priorities. His priorities are his job and there are no guarantees he's ever going to make enough to make him happy. What are your priorities?

[Marshall Placid]

Question to the OP:

Do you want kids?

And, how many?

If so, do you have a timeline of when you will get kids?

-------------------------

In regards to the relationship:

You should definitely try to get a straight answer from him by either confronting him directly or hinting to him that you want to get married (if that is what you want).

He can make all the money in the world, but time cannot be bought.

Good luck.

[k2_alpha]

Originally Posted by Noir

Have fun, date younger - date older. Cheat if you have to (or if that's too much, just test the waters). What's holding you back is that you're guilty of being in a certain comfort zone as well. You're afraid to leave him that's why you hesitate to see if there's something else out there; and in his case, why would he marry you? He's got you in perfectly in his comfort zone and he feels ABSOLUTELY ZERO THREAT from any other guys, or that you will leave him in general.

Originally Posted by $_$

Cheat if you have to? Are you fucking serious?

While I agree with testing waters, cheating will lead you on a path to disaster. He very well may be in a rut. Go get some male attention. It will help you to bolster your self confidence.

[6793026]

65k or 100k doesn't make a difference. Does it matter if you two are married? not really. Would moving in TOGETHER and getting a place together where you fork out 20k and he forks out 20k and buying a place... maybe. why do you want to get married? what's in it to get married? NOTHING. Is it the meaning, is it the fact you want to be a wife. WHY do you want to gt married.

focus less on the wedding, focus on if this guy will be able to go thru the thick and thin.

3 things i would consider
1) kids. if he says fuck all at 38 - 45...and you want kids then you need to leave
2) moving in. i would lay the question flat out of discussion. talk about it seriously and then pull the plug. Either you move towards a goal or you don't.
3) age. you're 30. either GTFO or stay .... your time is running out.

[pinn3r]

Originally Posted by Noir

Have fun, date younger - date older. Cheat if you have to (or if that's too much, just test the waters). What's holding you back is that you're guilty of being in a certain comfort zone as well. You're afraid to leave him that's why you hesitate to see if there's something else out there; and in his case, why would he marry you? He's got you in perfectly in his comfort zone and he feels ABSOLUTELY ZERO THREAT from any other guys, or that you will leave him in general.

^ take that advice, start packing your shit

[320icar]

You're only 30. It feels like the 'end of the world' but really you're life is truly just starting. Whatever you decide, there will ALWAYS be people who see you for who you really are. My girlfriend is 35 and i am only 25. Age is no factor for me because we both want the same out of life and have similar timelines.

Perhaps you just need to be more up front and let him know not only how important marriage and a family is to you, but also that if he cannot commit its time you parted ways. But don't force him to say yes if he truly doesn't wish to either. That will just create issues for the future.

[Spoon]

Originally Posted by 320icar

My girlfriend is 35 and i am only 25. Age is no factor for me because we both want the same out of life and have similar timelines.

If kids are one of the things you both want, then age is a factor.

[freakshow]

If a guy dated my daughter for 10 years with no real discernible intention to marry her, I'd tell her to drop him.
I'm old fashion though, I believe that family is primary, not individualistic gain. That a legally binding covenant frees people to be grow closer than assumptions about intention ever could. That you get more joy through the work and sacrifice of marriage than the unending pursuit of changing desires.

It depends on your view of the imoprtance and role of marriage within a society. If he (and many here) feel like it's useless, and that they need to put themselves or their career before you, and you don't agree, then break up.

The worst possible thing you can do is stay with someone because "I've already spent X years with him". That's gonna go from X to 50, so choose carefully. Unless you don't mind getting divorced, but I assume that if you didn't mind, you wouldn't be so adamant about marriage in the first place.

[bcrdukes]

OP - my offer still stands.

Just coffee and nothing more.

[stewie]

you say you feel that you shouldn't live together until your married, but do you ever spend the night at his place? sometimes 2-3 nights straight?

living with someone can be an eye opener for their dirty habits that could get on your annoying side.

personally, if i was with a girl for 10 years, id be embarrassed to say that im not even engaged to her.

[svelt]

The first few posts are, IMO, too sympathetic but it's probably because they are in the same boat as the male in question in the OP. Dating to me has to lead to two scenarios - marriage or break-up (unless you are one of those who doesn't believe in ever marrying, which is also A-OK). At 5 years, it should have been high time to explore where it's gonna lead - lifelong partnership in some form or manner, or GTFO and see what other options (of which there are many) present.

At 10 years a breakup is probably more emotionally straining than some divorces. $65k is not "good money", it's quite average for survival in Vancouver. If you guys were 28, the story would be a lot different, but this dude is 38. THIRTY EIGHT. That's quite old to not have made up his mind and take some responsibility. Don't want a wedding? Sign a paper.

I think you need to give an ultimatum, because if after 10 years and at the age of 38 he hasn't decided on whether he wants to commit to you or not he's never going to. And I hate ultimatums. But while time is still on your side and you will have no age related issues getting back into the dating game, for what reason do you have to waste another 1, 2, 5 years with a guy who just won't commit even when he's near 40? If he still wants to play the field, let him play the field (though he lost out on 10 of the most amazing years to do so). But if he wants to stay with you it's about damn time he made some sort of legal/physical promise to do so. Also, as everyone else has mentioned...what do you want to do about children? 30's good. 35 is ok. After that, the child's odds really start working against his/her favor. This is probably the most important thing for a would-be husband/wife to agree upon.

Also look at yourself to see if you are putting too much pressure and expectations on him? Do you need an expensive ring and a perfect wedding, or are you happy with something simple and small? Some guys really do delay weddings not because they don't want to be married, but despise the whole song and dance that comes along with it. If so, and you really do like the guy, scale back your expectations. Go with a simple ring and a family-style, intimate wedding.

[nma]

Ultimatum I think is the worst. You might force him in to making a decision he doesn't want to make. This might result in complications further down the road. Set a timeline for your self, and make sure you stick to it. Being a woman in your 30's is quite alarming, especially if you want to have kids. It's really tough to find someone later at that age who may want the same things you do (kids, etc...).

Ten years is quite a bit of time, also this guy is THIRTY EIGHT, he should definitely know what he wants by now. If he wanted the life style you seem to want, he would have done something about it by now.

Good luck, I hope you can figure it out!

[freakshow]

do NOT give him an ultimatum. You choose where your life goes, not him.

edit: didn't even realize he was 38.. 65K is good money at 38? And he's still trying to work on his career ahead of you at 38? Get out of there.. seriously.

[BoostedBB6]

65k at 38.......that's crap money. I was making that at 18 and even then it was not enough to live a comfortable lifestyle in the GVRD on my own.
10 years, no ring, keeps stringing you along when you have made it clear that you want marriage, makes crap money for his age, still working at being successful but little to show.....I would move on based upon those facts.

[BrRsn]

Originally Posted by bcrdukes

OP - my offer still stands.

Just coffee and nothing more.

Maybe she's not taking you seriously because of the way you asked.
Allow me to rephrase that for you.

Spoiler!

OP - my offer still stands.

Just coffee and nothing more.

Note: The subtle difference in the curves of the font used -- resembling the smooth curves of a voluptuous woman. I suggest you open your private messages tab and tap F5 until your finger is swollen and painful from arthritis (because you're old)

[JKam]

She said he has a good job, not good money. This can mean stable, great hours, great benefits etc. And let's be honest, 65k is not chump change. You can have a nice life with 65k, it won't be lavish but it won't be shit.

OP - I would do ultimatum. He's probably just complacent and thinks everything is great the way it is. You should let him know how important this is to you and get some kind of commitment. Don't let him answer with just "oh I love you and you're the one for me" and not answer the real question of marriage.

[Gerbs]

Originally Posted by BoostedBB6

65k at 38.......that's crap money. I was making that at 18 and even then it was not enough to live a comfortable lifestyle in the GVRD on my own.
10 years, no ring, keeps stringing you along when you have made it clear that you want marriage, makes crap money for his age, still working at being successful but little to show.....I would move on based upon those facts.

What were you doing when you were 18.

[Presto]

10 years is a long time. I would not concern yourself with the time that you've put into the relationship. Looking forward, you already know you'd like to get married. Your BF is going to make this happen, or you can ditch him and find someone that will. That's what my sister did. After 8 years, she called it quits. I'm sure it was hard to do. They lived together. She vowed, from that point on, not to live with anyone until they were married. She started dating, and after a few dates, she got into a relationship, and got married a year later. Awesome guy, too.

Good on you for not living together. It'll make breaking off the relationship easier.