Break it off?

[Mr.HappySilp]

Need some help from RS (or rather looking for suggestions).

So I meet this girl through close friends. She is in China and I am Vancouver. We been chatting for about 6 months so far. She came to visit around June for a week and we hung out a few times during that time. I also went back to Beijing recently for a tour and we meet up and spend around 3 days together. Things are going decent we communicate just fine but there are issues from time to time (language barrier and culture differences). We usually video chat everyday for about an hour or so. Now I know I have to make descion soon because afterall this is a long distance relationship and I don't want to waste both of our time and effort unless we are both 100% into it. I do have some doubt about this whole thing.

First we won't be able to see each other often (maybe 3 to 4 times a year for maybe 1 to 2 weeks each time.). So it will be difficult to actually get to know someone and how you feel about them. So most of the time we will be alone which to me seems ok for now but I am sure in the future there will be a time when we want to more often just to have the other person there with you to experience your joy, to have someone there when you needed support just giving you a hug, just to hang out and do gf/bf stuff etc etc.....

Second I am not sure how she will feel/be when she moves here. No friends, no family or relatives and to a totally new country with little background is pretty hard. So she will need a lot of support from me (I don't mind and prepare for it). But in the end she will have face a lot of challenges alone. So she needs to be a really strong person but I don't feel she is that type of person. Also her education and work experience won't apply in Vancouver and she will most likely be working min wage jobs for a long long time or work in customer service relation jobs which she said she refuse to do. She is a primary teacher in her home town (not a big city but a pretty small one). But reality is she will most likely get a min wage job. I will need her to work simply because I am not power by parents and does have bills to pay. I can support myself just fine but with a mortgage it will help a lot to have another income to support the family.

Third family issue. My family are pretty easy going so they don't really care too much as long I am happy. I am not sure how her family feels though. She will be moving to Vancouver (got that point across to her) so she won't be able to see her family as often as she wants. I am not sure how her family will react to it. I did meet her parents once over lunch and they seem to feel that we are going to get marry like this relationship is set in stone. I was a bit shock by it (again most likely different culture).

I talk to a really close friend and one of my aunts and they both said if I am not 100% sure or isn't committee I should cut ties with her right away. I do like her, she is very talkative and friendly and we get along fine. But the fact I have to make a decsion now I am not confortable with since I only meet her twice each time lasting maybe a few days. Is not enough for me to decide. I guess when I date a girl I usually hang out first to see how it feels then start dating them. Even then is really casual (more like testing waters). Things don't usually get serious till a few months into it.

[insomniac]

hi there.

i can see why you would want to break it off. i would suggest to hold back from doing so. test the waters a bit more. 6 months is still fresh, you dont know if things might get rocky in a bit. but if it does, then there would be your chance and reasoning to break it off.

my biggest concern for you is; what if she doesnt feel the same or is willing to commit to this as much as you are? what if she isnt 100% into this? what if she isnt willing to put in as much effort as you are? what if she wants you to financially support her when she moves here? but i dont know your relationship personally so dont know the situation as well as you do. i wouldnt hold such high hopes at the moment because from the sounds of it you're ready to commit to this in the LONG run.

good luck. this is only my personal outlook and opinion so dont take my advice to heart.

[xmisstrinh]

First things that come into my mind while I read your post is first: will your peers get along with her? Because let me tell you, when your friends don’t like your SO, it’s a long, hard processes to get your friends over to the other side. It took me nearly 3 years to convince my friends that he is right for me, and they all doubted our relationship 110% from the beginning because of cultural differences, different upbringings, and because my parents are extremely conservative (dad still will not accept it). Knowing that your parents is easy going gets you over the first bump, then comes your friends.

Then there’s the thing where “you really get to know a person when you live with them.” What happens when you decide that you can’t live with her because she’s dirty/messy/lazy? Send her back to China? Taking this gamble will depend on how much you want to commit whilst on this LDR.

And finally, with regard to her parents being okay or not okay to her moving here. We don’t know her family background, but most Chinese parents I know would be absolutely stoked for their child to marry abroad to North America.

This should be something that you and her should have a serious discussion over. Sometimes people will say things like “yes, it’s okay, I’ll do it for you” and “I can deal with the hardships and suck it up to be with you” etc etc… They just don’t realize how hard it is and how much it sucks when they’re actually in the situation. At that point, if they wanna call it quits and leave, you end up looking like an idiot for believing that person. If she’s really serious about you, and wanting to have a life with you here, maybe you two can look into getting her a 6 month student/work visa to test the waters. Good luck!

[yray]

Go travelling together to see how each other is like?

If shes from northern China and your family was from the south. you might be opening a big can of worms.

[Pegacorn]

I'd like to commend you on even considering this in as much detail as you have. A lot of people don't consider all of the angles and issues they may face and it's especially important when asking someone to uproot their lives, so good on ya for taking all of this into consideration. You've done a pretty good job of listing all of the issues that her moving here for you could present. It's a lot to ask of someone and you both have to be sure it's something she can handle, because you're right, not everyone can do that and if you end up being her entire support network and social circle, it might be an issue. xmisstrinh made some excellent points.

It sounds like you're just considering whether you want to continue the long distance thing at all. If you feel like this may potentially be the person you spend your life with and it will be worth the time it takes to make sure this is the right person and you can handle a long distance relationship for however long it takes to be sure, then go for it! I've seen these types of scenarios work out really well. Those people were a lot more sure than you, but maybe you just need a couple more visits. You'll really need to be checking in with her a lot to make sure you're both on the same page if things continue, so you know if you are both moving in the direction of wanting to spend your lives together.

It definitely sounds too soon to ask her to move here to be with you, since you seem so uncertain. I would definitely not move to another country for someone who says "I do like her, she is very talkative and friendly and we get along fine."....Not a declaration of love and commitment by any means. Unless your feelings change to "I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her" you really shouldn't be asking her to move here. Doesn't sound like you feel anywhere near that stage anyway and just aren't sure if you're wasting each other's time. Tough call, if you feel like it's a waste of time, then it probably is. If you feel like it might be a worthwhile risk, then it might be.

[6793026]

how young are you?
you seem like you're in your 30s. You're an adult; you can't have someone move over here and not give 100000%. She's taking a leap of faith to be honest, it seems like your have more doubts as she has much more to lose than you.

Seems to me you're not ready nor is she the one and I barely know you yet.

[H.Specter]

[Marshall Placid]

It's workable, but it will be a longggggggg slog.

My first thought was to just break up.

BUT............. after thinking more:

You definitely need to, at a minimum, spend more time with her to better know her.

Based on what you said about the time you have already spent with her (which is very little), you don't know enough about her to make the right decision (break up or stay and develop the relationship further).

But, in the end, it will be tough... so that you know NOW, and want to take the risk.

Good luck and wish you the best.

[underscore]

Originally Posted by H.Specter

[Mr.HappySilp]

Originally Posted by insomniac

what if she doesnt feel the same or is willing to commit to this as much as you are? what if she isnt 100% into this? what if she isnt willing to put in as much effort as you are? what if she wants you to financially support her when she moves here?

Well she said she is very committee but then saying is one thing but actually experiencing it or when it is reality is another story. That's one thing that concerns me. The way how she thinks seems there isn't much though or rather she didn't think about the details. I guess you can say she is still in the honey moon stage so everything is perfect and it will stay this way. I did make it very clear that she will need to get a job and not just sit at home. She seems to accept that then it won't be easy since she will have to start fresh but the good thing is her family isn't rich (lives in a small city just your average person like us).

Originally Posted by xmisstrinh

First things that come into my mind while I read your post is first: will your peers get along with her? Because let me tell you, when your friends don’t like your SO, it’s a long, hard processes to get your friends over to the other side. It took me nearly 3 years to convince my friends that he is right for me, and they all doubted our relationship 110% from the beginning because of cultural differences, different upbringings.

Then there’s the thing where “you really get to know a person when you live with them.” What happens when you decide that you can’t live with her because she’s dirty/messy/lazy? Send her back to China? Taking this gamble will depend on how much you want to commit whilst on this LDR.

And finally, with regard to her parents being okay or not okay to her moving here. We don’t know her family background, but most Chinese parents I know would be absolutely stoked for their child to marry abroad to North America.

This should be something that you and her should have a serious discussion over. Sometimes people will say things like “yes, it’s okay, I’ll do it for you” and “I can deal with the hardships and suck it up to be with you” etc etc… They just don’t realize how hard it is and how much it sucks when they’re actually in the situation. At that point, if they wanna call it quits and leave, you end up looking like an idiot for believing that person. If she’s really serious about you, and wanting to have a life with you here, maybe you two can look into getting her a 6 month student/work visa to test the waters. Good luck!

I agree since a large number of my friends are from China as well so hopefully it will be easier for her to break into my circle of friends? I know I will have to be there for her and it will not be easy. There are going to things that will be out of our hands or things we never though about. I can understand and speak mandarin so is my parents so communication shouldn't post much of a challenge. Her English also seems ok (more like elementary school) but there will be things she won't get due to different background.

In terms of lifestyle I do notice some difference when I was with her some I can live with others I might some issue (IE spitting the bones out onto the table vs putting it on a plate). I am sure there will be small things that come up and it will need to dealt with. I am sure there are things I do that she can't stand as well so communication will be very important. I completely agree with you about “you really get to know a person when you live with them.” Yes we meet but is different from seeing them everyday or even be with them for a few months. Some habits you can hide for a few days but not forever so actually being with them or at least be able to hang out with her on a regular basis will give us both an idea of how the other person actually is and not the best behavior they put out.

She keeps telling me her parents is totally ok with her moving away but I have a strong doubt about it. I did meet her parents over lunch (very long story.....) and they seem to be in their mid 60's or early 70's. Her mom have diabetes so she might need someone to take care of her. Luckily she have a brother who live close to her parents but he is marry and have his own family. I have a feeling she haven't told them much or at least didn't have a serious discussion with them. But I don't want to butt in and start asking her questions.

Just like you said she keeps saying “yes, it’s okay, I’ll do it for you” and “I can deal with the hardships and suck it up to be with you” and honestly if I was in her shoes I would really think this through and won't say such things. Is hard enough for me to come to Vancouver when I was a kid. I can only image it will be a lot harder for her. So I don't think she really understands how serious this is. Is like you start your life all over, only this time you have no family, no friends, in a country you barely know anything about, very different cultures, different languages, etc etc..... and have you have learn it and try to be part of it. Not easy. She will have me and my family but in the end it is really up to her to take it all in. If she can't deal with it then we are in a tough situation. I know she been to Vancouver a little over a week but that's visiting very different from actually living here and working.

Maybe getting that 6 months visa isn't such a bad idea just for her actually experience Canada.

Originally Posted by yray

Go travelling together to see how each other is like?

If shes from northern China and your family was from the south. you might be opening a big can of worms.

Planning to travel together maybe to a resort of some sort in March/April. She is from the North but I am from Hong Kong and pretty much raise in Vancouver so I don't think there should be an issue???

Originally Posted by Pegacorn

I'd like to commend you on even considering this in as much detail as you have. A lot of people don't consider all of the angles and issues they may face and it's especially important when asking someone to uproot their lives, so good on ya for taking all of this into consideration. You've done a pretty good job of listing all of the issues that her moving here for you could present. It's a lot to ask of someone and you both have to be sure it's something she can handle, because you're right, not everyone can do that and if you end up being her entire support network and social circle, it might be an issue. xmisstrinh made some excellent points.

It sounds like you're just considering whether you want to continue the long distance thing at all. If you feel like this may potentially be the person you spend your life with and it will be worth the time it takes to make sure this is the right person and you can handle a long distance relationship for however long it takes to be sure, then go for it! I've seen these types of scenarios work out really well. Those people were a lot more sure than you, but maybe you just need a couple more visits. You'll really need to be checking in with her a lot to make sure you're both on the same page if things continue, so you know if you are both moving in the direction of wanting to spend your lives together.

It definitely sounds too soon to ask her to move here to be with you, since you seem so uncertain. I would definitely not move to another country for someone who says "I do like her, she is very talkative and friendly and we get along fine."....Not a declaration of love and commitment by any means. Unless your feelings change to "I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her" you really shouldn't be asking her to move here. Doesn't sound like you feel anywhere near that stage anyway and just aren't sure if you're wasting each other's time. Tough call, if you feel like it's a waste of time, then it probably is. If you feel like it might be a worthwhile risk, then it might be.

Well I am looking for something more serious rather than just dating so I do need to consider all issues that might come. I know at this point is too soon to even consider asking her to move here. Not at least for another year or two if we do make it this far. 6 months is way too soon to even know a person well enough. After all this is long distance not like your next door neighbour's daughter where you can see and talk to everyday.

Is not easy even just to wechat and do the whole videochat due to timezone difference and plane tickets to China isn't exactly cheap. I definitely have strong feelings for her, otherwise I wouldn't even consider doing a long distance relation. But the feelings aren't strong enough to be go marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her yet.

Originally Posted by 6793026

how young are you?
you seem like you're in your 30s. You're an adult; you can't have someone move over here and not give 100000%. She's taking a leap of faith to be honest, it seems like your have more doubts as she has much more to lose than you.

Seems to me you're not ready nor is she the one and I barely know you yet.

I am in my early 30s and she is in her late 20s. As far as for her to take a leap of faith and coming to Vancouver I don't really think she really though this through. I feel she is still in the honeymoon phase and everything will be alright as soon as we are together. There is a much much bigger picture than just the feelings we have. Saying and actually doing it is totally different.

Looks like more thinking to do. We still chat btw almost everyday so that's a really good sign (usually I am not this interested in chatting with anyone not even my exs).

[Xplicit_EL]

If I were in your shoes I would cut ties and find another girl. The reasons are as follows:

1. Long distance relationships almost never work (I personally have not heard of one that worked out)
2. You two have been talking for half a year. The relationship is still new and you are not as committed.
3. I am assuming her English is not that good. Therefore, minimum wage jobs would probably be her max level of job attainment in Vancouver.
4. More fish in the sea-Vancouver has the highest proportion of hot Asian girls per square inch. No need to find a wife in China.

These are just my observations. Feel free to throw something back at me

[Alby]

the only question i have for you is, down the road, will you regret, with the not knowing and the what ifs, if you don't let this relationship blossom and take its path.

[guurl]

indecision is a decision

[Verdasco]

i did a long distance recently, never works and never will. I had tons of friends who did the same. Never worked for them either.. and they are in their late 20's / early 30's