How to get a government contract
 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Ottawa house: One is from Vancouver, another is from Toronto and the third, is from St. John's.

All three go with a Government official to examine the fence.

The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The NFLD contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."


The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"


The NFLD contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence."


"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works everywhere.

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HAHA That's awesome. Sad yet ... true. Fuck. I remember picking weeds on this damn hillside in the pissing rain one time, and I was going to offer a kid walking by 10$ an hour to do it. I was getting paid 20$ so I still would have made 10$ and I wouldn't have been wet lol.

Berz out.

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows

that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal

Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the

income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health

insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports

I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out

before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those

insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that

ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you

an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my

house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a

gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up

Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy

beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan

on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do

something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not

want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and

get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to

assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us

running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,

then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture

- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin'

morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to

confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776

when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served

in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances

up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years

and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,

someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !!!

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