[Confidential] REVsceners, what should I do? forgive? or...move on?

[El Bastardo]

The following is an Anonymous submission from a Revscene member. If the OP would like to respond to anything said in this thread, please PM me.


I'm contemplating on forgiving this guy (we'll call him A) and getting back with him, but i want to know what people think before I go on ahead...I've been going out with "A" for like 5 years and it was going all good until I went to his house one day after like 4th year of dating and found out that he has been keeping pictures of this particular girl and other girls he knows on his computer. These girls are really pretty and I've seen him talk to this particular girl and other girls on FB and texting them alot. Anyways, i confronted him with this and he said "I had no intentions of anything, they are just hot" and I said that "you don't even have any pictures of me on your computer" and he replied "i don't need to cuz i see you everday" Anyways, I got so pissed off and I didn't talk to "A" for awhile...and then "A" told me to forgive him and he started being really sweet about things and everyone told me not to forgive him. He told me he erased all the pictures and erased her and the other girls from FB and etc. So, in time I forgave him. Time went by and it was Valentines day...so we went to Ebisu and oh my god, he was looking at all the girls around us and not me...FML i can't believe that...i felt so unappreciated. I got upset and didn't talk to him for awhile, but ended up forgiving him...Anyways, time passed again and I went over to his house again And then HE DID IT AGAIN!! i was on his computer one day and i tried to save a picture of me and him on his comp and I tried putting it in a folder and "HER" name on a folder came up again and he had like 68 pictures of her on it again....I was SO upset, i told him about it again and he said "It wasn't me...it was my brother" ... So, i called A's brother and he told me "Why would I put those pics on his computer when I have my own" ... This was the answer I needed...It was over...Anyways, i didn't talk to him for like a month and then I started dating and seeing other guys and flirting around and clubbing and stuff...and then I started to get depressed and starting eating alot...and my period didn't come... I started talking to "A" again because I was thinking I might be pregnant. So, in the end..i was 9 weeks preganant and i knew it was "A's" so i'm so young so regretfully I had an abortion...i was broken mentally and physically...i didn't know who to turn to...i was so depressed, didn't feel loved at all... Now, A is saying he wants to be with me again cuz he saw how i suffered so much over this...DOES IT TAKE ME BALLING MY EYES OUT AND SUFFERING LIKE THIS FOR HIM TO APPRECIATE ME? I did ALOT of stuff in this relationship to work things out...I LOST weight for him to find me more attractive and I started wearing more revealing clothes for him to make him look at me more then other girls...but none of that "clicked?" until he saw me suffer over an abortion?

Seriously, I don't know what to do...

I think I love him, but I don't know what to do. I need some serious advice here...

[Pocakj]

Sounds like you've had one hell of a relationship. I think getting to this point has cost so much effort that somewhere in your heart you don't think it's worth putting down. But you need to figure out what you want, and that might require that you confront him about what he wants - It's probably time for him to mature up and stop fooling with girls, especially since your relationship's gotten to a point where you can't just put it behind you. Anyhow, if he refuses to become a more mature person as a whole you're probably best off trying to move on.

On the other hand, "A" sounds like a total douche. But it's your life, so you gotta figure out what you think is best for yourself.

[Peanut Butter Jelly Time!]

why would the opinion of people who you don't know, don't know you, and don't know the details of the situation matter when it comes to a decision that's going to have a long lasting impact on YOU and really no one else. it's simple if you love him go back. if you don't then don't.

seriously though, if a guy/girl treats you like shit once, i would think that he/she has a very likely chance of doing it again, in your case, as you state, he's done it 3 times and you still haven't clued in?

relationships are like investments, you've invested way too much already, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

[iluvalky]

I would say move on... From what you are saying, it sounds like he has no respect for you..and probably only feels bad b/c you had an abortion..

I would say, if someone has hurt you so much where it has affected you negatively instead of feeling like you learned something positive from the relationship.. that you break up for a reason and you should keep that way.

I've also gone through some hard break ups and I know it's hard to see it now but time heals everything. I've done some stupid shit for boys and sacrificed more than I ever had to....when I always got hurt I would be bitter and hold grudges...

Now 5 years later after I first started dating, I'm finally learning to let things go and forgive people but not giving them the opportunity to hurt me that way ever again.

It's really up to you, whether or not you think you are strong enough to deal with that sort of heartbreak again. You MUST anticipate that he will most likely not change overnight...and that you probably will be hurt again.
Also, please remember that you are someone worth being respected and that if this guy doesn't think so, I'm sure another guy will know how to appreciate you the way you deserve..no relationship will ever be perfect..but there must still be a level of mutual respect for each others' feelings and wellbeing..

[jackmeister]

he knocked you up, you had an abortion, and he didnt seem to care?

are you fucking serious?

[Dasani]

You may think you love him, but does he love you? You seem to have invested a lot into this relationship and only got an abortion, suffering, and a boyfriend who doesn't pay attention to you out of it.
It's quite the crappy trade off if you ask me.

Anyways, the choice is yours in the end. If you wanna take that gamble and give him another chance then just make sure you protect yourself from getting hurt again.

[fliptuner]

If you saw one of your friends go through the same thing, then contemplate getting back together with the guy, wouldn't you tell them to give their head a shake and wonder what the hell they were thinking to even consider getting back together?

He treated you like crap, didn't appreciate you, you made a lot of sacrifices for him, went through a bit of a mental/emotional breakdown and now you feel lonely and unattractive - sound about right?

The best thing you can do is do for yourself. Come to the realization that it's better to be happy and alone than miserable in a relationship. Once you can accept this, you'll realize that the only person you need to make happy, look good for, etc. is yourself. If a guy can't appreciate you as you are, fuck 'em (figuratively, of course)

[Culture_Vulture]

That was one hell of a read, and you've had one hell of a relationship.
If it were up to me, I would say no and move on.

You'll only know how much he cares for you (compared to how much he claims to care for you) once you've rejected him. Some old habits never change, and some feelings are temporary. Once you're out of the fray you can analyze really what the fuck's going on in his mind, then decide if he's worth your time for another ago.
On top of that, I'd say any girl who'd go through the trouble of losing weight and wearing more revealing clothes is a winner in a relationship, and chances are, with your attitude, you'll find somebody better.

[FiveDime]

you ended a 4 year relationship over PHOTOS on his computer?


give me a break

[liu13]

Originally Posted by FiveDime

you ended a 4 year relationship over PHOTOS on his computer?


give me a break

heh, cold blooded

[NSX]

Originally Posted by FiveDime

you ended a 4 year relationship over PHOTOS on his computer?


give me a break

Its not about the photos. It is about his intentions and lies about the photos.

[k20a]

Anyways, i didn't talk to him for like a month and then I started dating and seeing other guys and flirting around and clubbing and stuff.

Hmm...are you for sure he was the one who knocked you up? lol

[Kai-dai]

Sounds like he just lost interest in you and he's getting back because he feels sympathy for you. Now he may be genuinely sorry and wants to make up for it but there's still the high chance that after a while, the same thing might happen. Imo, you're probably better off moving on!

[stewie]

Originally Posted by Dhalsim

Its not about the photos. It is about his intentions and lies about the photos.

maybe he didnt lie...maybe he actually did delete the photos and she sent him more...either way...big deal..is he fucking other girls?

big deal if hes texting other women...its not illegal..

big deal if he has pictures of his friends on his computer...

if he has to delete certain friends on facebook to make you feel better...thats quite pathetic in my opinion..

and big deal if hes looking at other women while your out...yeah its rude to do so, but are you not the one going home with him at the end of the night?

in the end its your choice...id move on just for the hell of it, your young, go out and have as much fun as you can...theres plenty of time in the future to settle down.

[Gt-R R34]

stewie's right.

words need action behind them.

[Meowjin]

The op's post made me : so much.

Because I know for a fact it's soooo fake.

[quasi]

If my wife didn't talk to me everytime I looked at another girl we'd never talk, I'm married not dead.

[hotjoint]

Move on, no point wasting ur time because in the long run you'll end up hurt again, maybe pregant and in the same situation that never ends.

[Mananetwork]

What did he do when you said you were pregnant?

I know he says he'll be there, but when he's failed countless times in the past he'll do it again.
He loves you lots, but he's not ready to committee. I suggest move on!

You'll find someone who'll love you and care for you more. Don't jump into another relationship to quick though.

[El Bastardo]

The Anonymous OP has replied to some of you

Originally Posted by FiveDime

you ended a 4 year relationship over PHOTOS on his computer?


give me a break

I don't think you read my posting very well. I didn't end it over the photos alone, he was being very secretive about the photos and he met this one particular girl "to study" a few times up at sfu and he would tell me that he was studying alone and stuff. I looked on his phone and the texts that the girl left were all like being "cute" like "I saved a seat for you" or "I warmed it up for you" and he would never tell me these things.

Originally Posted by k20a

Hmm...are you for sure he was the one who knocked you up? lol

I'm 100% sure the baby is his, because of the term that the doctor told me. And please, this is a serious topic for me, don't make jokes please

Originally Posted by stewie

maybe he didnt lie...maybe he actually did delete the photos and she sent him more...either way...big deal..is he fucking other girls?

big deal if hes texting other women...its not illegal..

big deal if he has pictures of his friends on his computer...

if he has to delete certain friends on facebook to make you feel better...thats quite pathetic in my opinion..

and big deal if hes looking at other women while your out...yeah its rude to do so, but are you not the one going home with him at the end of the night?

in the end its your choice...id move on just for the hell of it, your young, go out and have as much fun as you can...theres plenty of time in the future to settle down.

Even though he did or didn't lie isn't the issue, the girl is super pretty to him and he told me that in his eyes, so since i'm human, i don't like her since A is attracted to her so much. And she didn't send him any photos, "A" just went on her facebook and saved the pictures without her knowing and besides, he told me that he would never save photos of "her" anymore after the first time. Of course it's not illegal texting other women, but he hides it and also he knows that i can't compare to "her" so i don't like it. I want to know his intentions of why he would text "her" when he knows I don't like it. He doesn't have pictures of "friends..." he has pictures of "HER" on his computer. I don't care if i've met them before and they are his friends, thats not the case. I never told him to delete any friends from his facebook. In my posting I never told him anything negative about his facebook. He just saves pictures of "HER" onto his computer from her facebook


Another thing to add, I asked him if "SHE" and "I" both wanted a relationship with you who would you pick?

His answer was so disappointing, he replied:

I'd just want to fool around with "HER," but in the end I'd want to be with you..

Originally Posted by MajinHurricane

The op's post made me : so much.

Because I know for a fact it's soooo fake.

Just because this kind of thing hasn't happened to you, do you just come to the conclusion that it's fake? I'm sorry that my life story of my relationships ups and downs sound amusing to you. If you cannot find any advice to help at all, please don't post

Originally Posted by quasi

If my wife didn't talk to me everytime I looked at another girl we'd never talk, I'm married not dead.

I guess it's different when you are married, I'm only 19, i guess I just have a different perspective of what I need my man to show me. I don't like how his eyes wander, but if I was married that might be something that I cannot change.

[butter_sashimi]

He's an idiot and sad to say, so are you. You obviously know the answer inside. Why put up with it any longer? A woman can never change a man 100%. The fact that you have prolonged this to the point where you cry out for help on this board is proof this is a problem and it appears it won't simply go away by just forgiving this man. Don't be naive as I once was to this sort of abuse. Get it out of your system-- forgive yourself for the abortion mishap and move on from this guy.

Also, you wont find a guy or girl who wont look at the opposite sex regardless of their relationship status or their intent. Your ex just had no tact or the brains to do it well. He provided blantant replies to your worries because he's either dumb or just doesn't give a shit.

[k2_alpha]

In your heart, you already know the answer. How many times can your forgive a person?

He literally fucked you and dumped you.
He had sex with you, but didnt give a shit when you had abortion.
An abortion is a huge deal. If he didnt give a shit then? What makes you believe that he will give a shit later?

Im sorry for being so crude, but it is really time you wake up and take a real long look at yourself.

As a 19 year old, you have so much to experience. Go out there and trying living. You have been in a relationship for so long, you have missed most of your youth. Go out and be crazy for a bit. Now is the time.


However, if you are offended everytime your SO LOOKS at someone else, you will miserable all the time. Im not saying your ugly, but there WILL ALWAYS be someone who looks better than you. Looking is exactly what the word means. He is looking, not touching, and defienetly not having sex. At the end of the day, your SO will come to you. Be happy and enjoy life.

[BallPeenHammer]

Although I'm not sure what kind of circumstances you and your ex was in when the looking around started, but for me, and it's something I've said over and over again to my g/f before:

my s/o's like my ferrari. The most beautiful and cherished ANYTHING i have.

But when a lambo or a aston drives by, I'll still give it a quick look.

I'm looking, because i'm most likely observing the differences of each different car, its angles, shape, colour, etc.

But at the end of the day, I have a Ferrari for a reason. It's the most beautiful one, regardless how attention grabbing a lambo or an Aston is.

I would never have it any other way.

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from a DIFFERENT anonymous Revscenester who is NOT the original poster

I feel compelled to reply to this, even though I want to stay anonymous.

It is a touchy situation, and I have been in one that is very similar.

I have been with my partner for over eight years and are now engaged.

I have always kept pictures of other girls on my computer, since as far as I could remember.

Some pictures are of actual friends, but most are of celebrities or models.

There has been one model that I have been particularly infatuated with, because I find her extremely attractive, so obviously I have tons of pictures of her.

A few years back, my partner found out that the model and I had actually messaged each other a few times, and while we were on a break, I had even met her in person once while she was in town.

From that point on, she really hated that model with a passion.

However, I never looked at it as "reality". I never thought about how I wish that model was my girlfriend, or if you could believe it, even about having sex with her.

It was mainly about just being turned on by her looks - eye candy.

Even with that being the case, it was still really important for me to have in my life. My partner wanted me to delete all of the photos and stuff that I had collected over the years, but I just couldn't do it. It had taken me so much time and effort to build the collection, and I would never be able to get all of it back.

So short of actually getting rid of it, we made several deals where I promised I wouldn't look at her pictures for a period of time, like one month or two months. It was really hard to keep my word. When I was horny and wanted a release, looking at her pictures would be the natural choice, but I was deprived of what I thought was my right.

My partner has also tried to do things to try and make herself more attractive, but it doesn't work like that. It's not that simple. I don't think it's unnatural to find that there are other girls out there that are more attractive than your partner.

I think your situation is a little different in that the main girl in question is actually a "real" person, as in someone he has actually spent time with and stuff.

But I think the underlying problems are the same.

Some questions to ponder:
1) If he had the chance, would he break it off with you to get with her?
2) Is he trying to position himself to get a chance to be with her or sleep with her?
3) If he had the chance, would he sleep with her?

Depending on the answers, it's up to you to decide whether you're okay with it or not.

For me, my answer is "no" to the first two questions, and an honest "I don't know" for the third question.

For what it's worth, I feel that I truly love my partner, and I intend to be with her for the rest of my life. The fact that I find some other girls more attractive does not take away from the love that I have for her.

I wrote all this solely for the benefit of the OP, hopefully to help her get some perspective of how things might be on the other end.

Please keep this on the topic for the OP and refrain from discussing my situation here.

If the OP has some questions for me, then I will try my best to answer them.

Thanks!

[miss_crayon]

if you're so unhappy then why not just do yourself a favour? no matter how much time you dwell on the situation, you're still going to be pissed about what he did at the end of the day and you're not going to stop thinking about it even if the both of you stay together.

you can say "i love him so much though and i went through so much for him!! like having this abortion!" but it doesn't change the fact that you are unhappy. you are 19, young yes..but you have a brain.