[Confidential] Happy Mother's Day

[El Bastardo]

I had this sent to me while I was away so I couldn't post it up before Mother's Day. After reading it I thought it was too sweet and thoughtful not to share. It may seem like one of those FW: FW: FW: emails you get (believe me, I get tons of them from saucy_woman) but its worth reading through. It was written by a member who wanted to share their feelings

More than 9 years ago- I stood infront of my mom’s coffin. I couldn’t grasp the whole situation. I didn’t know how to react. I couldn’t even cry.
Thinking back to the days the lead up to it- I feel so pathetic. My mom had lung cancer. Everyone was well aware that she was going to disappear soon, even I knew that, but even with that in mind- I couldn’t understand the situation well enough. Her death wasn’t going to be a big surprise, yet I never ignored the countless opportunities given to me.
Every time we would go visit her at the hospital, I could feel her life was slow drifting away. Every time I came into her room- a new machine was strapped into her. Every time she wanted to tell us something- she would write it down on paper. And every time I watched her write something down on paper- I cringe. Her writing is getting less and less legible and every day she’s losing more and more of her energy. Even as a 13 year old kid- I knew what was happening, I just couldn’t understand the meaning of it.

As much as I try to remember- I can’t recall what happened on the day she died. There’s only one instance of the day that I remember- And I remember it only because up to this day, I hate myself for it. My aunt from another country called to ask about how my mom was because she felt something was wrong. When faced with that question, I tried to make a joke about the fact that she just died. I tried to make it a laughing matter.

As I sat in a room where my mom’s coffin was, I observed people. I observed my siblings, my dad, my relatives, my mom’s friends. I didn’t think about my mom- instead, I just blankly observed people.
The staff of the home then came into the room and talked to my dad. They proceeded to prepare to take the coffin away to cremate my mom. My dad started crying as he clung to my mom’s coffin. It was the first time in my life that I had seen my dad show so much weakness. My sibling cried uncontrollably as people started to move the coffin. What was I doing? I was standing there, looking blankly at my mom’s face.

The staff then closed the viewing window of the coffin. It was only at that moment that it finally hit me.

My mom is dead and I can never see her again. I can never talk to her again. I can never hear her voice scolding me again. I will never have another chance to talk to her again. My mom is gone and she will never come back again.

It was only at that moment where the weight of her death had hit me. I started to feel a sharp pain in my chest and I started crying uncontrollably. It was the first time in my life that I felt so much pain. It was the time in my life where I first realized how much I love my mom. But it was too late- just too fucking late.

I saw her countless times before that day. I was given so many chances to tell her how I felt. But I never realized what meant so much to me until it was finally too late. And I fucking hate myself for it.
Every time my dad would take us to visit her grave, I sat farthest away from her grave. I never touch her grave nor did I ever talk to her there. It was too late and talking to a stone isn’t going to do anything.
From time to time my thoughts would start to center around my mom. I start thinking “How would my life be if she didn’t disappear?” No matter how many times I think about this- the thoughts would always lead me to this question: “Did she ever know how much I appreciate and love her?” And the answer to that question would always be no- coz I never told her. And that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Today is mother’s day. I actually just got back from Safeway to buy her some flowers. Even as I was doing this- I thought it was pretty stupid to be talking to a picture or buying a picture flowers. But in front of my mom’s picture- I still earnestly wish that I had told her how much I love her because no matter how much I think it and say it to her picture- she will never know.

What was the point of this whole thing? I guess I just wanted to rant. No matter how annoying your parents are- or how distanced you are from them. Take time today to show your mom what she means to you. Don’t ever let things stop you from showing what you feel.

Life is fickle- you don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow so take every chance to tell people who are important to you how much they mean to you.
It’s a bit too late momsie- but Happy Mother’s Day. And I’m sorry I never told you how much I love you.

[hotjoint]

My grandma and I were never really close but she passed away a few years ago. I saw that impact that it had on my mom. She was devastated and still talks about how much she misses her mom. I can't imagine how I will feel when that day comes. Sorry to hear about your loss but life goes on, you should be strong and accomplish everything you plan to do because if she were alive she would want to. She's in a better place not and not suffering annymore. Good luck

[guddagudd]

This was very sad, but I thank you for posting this, because it will always be an inspiration to me when I talk with my parents. I know sometimes, parents can be a pain, but now I will always slow down and consider the things they tell me, before just replying them without much thought.

[miss_crayon]

DIdn't read this until now, but I received this email from my mom today. Puts things into perspective.

"The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't know everything!

14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn't have a clue..

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom"

[quasi]

As a parent I'm going to tell you that your mom knew. You don't need to tell her she knew that you loved her unconditionally whether you showed it or not and I guarantee she loved you more then life itself. I'm sorry you lost your mom at such a young age.

[Greenstoner]

powerful post and I shed few drops

[guesswho]

I had the same feeling, but instead it was about my grandpa and I didnt realize it until 10 years after he passed away..
Thanks for sharing, it really relates to me and I really appreciate it
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[Meowjin]

I was in the same situation. I was 11 at the time. It broke my family apart and I was raised by my brothers. I had no parental figure in my life. I couldn't grasp that my mother died either. I had gotten in a fight with her the last day she was conscious. I don't remember what, but my brother told me "hey you should say goodbye to mama" and with a spiteful tone, I said "BYE". It was the last time I talked to her. The next day she lapsed into a coma. She died 2 days later of Multiple Myoloma. Sometime I wish I had just talked to her a little nicer or told her how I really felt, even if she was in a coma.

I couldn't grasp it. I was at her deathbed, while she was in a coma, and my relatives asked if I wanted to talk to her. I said no. I have no idea why.

I just live with it.