Relationship Reality Check for 2011
 

Great Article I came across from [http://amyfabulous.com]

Relationship Reality Check
1.7.11 love

When I was a little girl, I fantasized that one day, I’d find my prince charming who was handsome and romantic, and he’d spoil me with flowers and all the other grand gestures I read about in fairytales. Heck, who am I kidding, I believed in this fantasy up to my early twenties, a time when I was convinced that there was only one soul mate out there for me and that love prevailed all.

Then, the universe decided to give me a good dose of reality.

I was a starry eyed romantic, and when I met my first real boyfriend at age 25, I thought that without a doubt, I had found “the one’. So, within two months we moved in together, and within eight months, we were common-law. Let’s just say that with that experience, I learned that rushing things is a fool-proof way to run head-on into a doomed ending.

And as much as I hate to admit it, a lot of what my parents tried to tell me was true. That compatibility in upbringing, culture, values, and life vision, are the building blocks of a healthy relationship. And without these things aligning, instead of building a solid foundation, you end up just piling a bunch of rocks on top of each other until they eventually fall down.

To burst my bubble even more, the one thing that I thought would never be a point of conflict became the biggest reality check of them all. Money….matters.

There’s a reason why money is the top reason why people divorce. As unromantic as it may sound, how each partner deals with finances, ambitions to create financial wealth and money management is a HUGE factor on if a relationship will make it, or break it. When I look back at that relationship, I understand now, that it didn’t work out not because either of us was to blame, or that we were bad people, but that the fundamentals didn’t align together.

I’m learning now to let go of my unrealistic ideas that may be a reality in teenage relationships, when bills, responsibilities and roles are not really thought about in the midst of all the fun to be had. Instead, it’s probably about time that I start having adult relationships, in other words, relationships based in reality versus in fantasy.

In healthy, adult relationships, love isn’t about finding someone to complete you or fill your voids, but being the healthiest and best you can be as individuals in order to come together as partners. You make the choice to be patient and understanding through the ebbs instead of trying to jump ship the minute the going gets tough. You try to understand that each person comes with different love languages, sensitive points and communication styles, and that time and lots of trial and error is necessary.

It’s challenging to switch your mentality when you’ve grown up socialized by North American standards of “romance”. I’m appreciating the simple, every day things that my partner does. Whereas before I would equate roses to romance, now I look at how he interacts with my family, the effort he makes with my friends, the listening and support he gives when I’m going through a stressful time. Sure, those things aren’t wrapped up in fancy ribbon, but when you’re thinking of building a life with someone, those everyday consistencies are the things that matter.

It’s a work in progress. But if you don’t evolve your ideas on what real relationships are based on and commit to the effort and time it takes, you may find yourself constantly disappointed and your high expectations never met. Here’s to a new year filled with healthy relationships, high standards but not unrealistically high expectations, and lots and lots of love.

- Amy Chan
Director of Marketing for Kiwi Collection, newspaper columnist and blogger
[http://amyfabulous.com]
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I realize this article is cater towards females; but it's a great wake-up call regardless for anyone who are having 2nd thoughts about their relationship. Cherish the one who understands reality and how to be considerate; not the one who sweet talks and is always full of excuses.

Money is actually the #1 cause of divorce/separation, and also the one everyone says 'oh that's not an issue for us' until it is.

^ this? I know so many people who don't get this at all. They want the 'you complete me' guy (or girl). But that 'I need you to be complete' mentality is what leads to the jealousy and neediness that actually undoes the relationship rather then binds you more tightly to a person. :(

Thanks for posting this article, it really is what a lot of people in their twenties go through just because you are making the transition between a 'fantasy high school' relationship to a 'real dose adult' one. How many of us feel like we are lost?
The quote above really stands out for me just because in life you do need to make compromises or adjustments to cater to your job, family, friends and in this case love. The sooner we come to terms with this, the healthier our relationships will be. But it never hurts to keep that fantasy a smidge because without that euphoric feeling, whats it all for anyhow?

That euphoric fantasy is what keeps us working. Beach house, Ferrari, model looking girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. A good chunk of us will never get there, but it keeps us pushing forward. Coming to a realization of these variable factors is all part of growing up.

Hell, when I was just finishing high school, I thought making 70 grand and up would get me my dream car, dream house, etc. But that's not even close. Gas prices come in, along with bills, mortgages, investments, savings plans, and then you're going to need to plan out when to have kids, etc.

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down against your SO if they're not making the best decisions. (Then of course this ties in with whether the two of you have the same lifestyles. One might like saving for the long run and building assets, and the other might like living for the moment and not saving a dime.) It's important to talk this over, as it's a bigger issue than it seems.

I'm 22, and I've been investing my money for a long time. I wouldn't say I'm a cheap person, as I like going out for nice dinners, going out and drinking; but I definately don't do those things every single night. My girlfriend is the type that likes buying thousand dollar purses, hundred dollar shirts, etc. Which didn't make much of a difference to me, as she was spending her own money. But then it started to bother me when she ends up not being able to afford something important, and I end up needing to pay for it. It was a bit of a tough conversation to have, but I'm glad we did, and now she's starting to ease off and make better choices.

Amy has some really great articles and was lucky to have talked to her a few times after our mutual friend passed her info to me. One of her more popular reads is "one year later," great read for those who is suffering from a broken heart.
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