REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 07:40 AM

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and we have had our ups and downs but for the most part we have gotten along great. Little to fight about or have an argument about. This was until recently.

We seem to fight often now, almost every day. It is almost always about meaningless things (they have some meaning to her or I at the time but when you really sit down and think they are pointless).
We live together and have for a while now.

I do my best to do what is asked and expected of me and I think she does the same for me but it just seems like we fight a lot.

She says it is her that is having issues and is causing this problem between us. I have offered my help, tired to just let her be and love her, offered advice, sat there and just listened but nothing I do seems to help her.

I have plans to marry this girl, and very soon (or ask her anyway) but I fear that she will only become worse and worse as time goes on and I am not able to help.

I feel helpless in this and would like to hear what others may thing about this.

If what you have to say is "go bang another chick" or "there are lots of other women out there", to me this is not an option. I have already given myself and my life to this girl, the ring is just a formality at this point. So please answer with educated responses if you can.

Thanks

Glove · 06-12-2012, 07:44 AM

its her having issues? perhaps your on different pages, your ready to get married, she isnt. possibly just arguing constantly hoping youl break up with her so she wont feel guilty. Do not propose

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 07:54 AM

She has said that it is her, but she loves me and still wants to marry me.
She says she is unhappy with herself and is having a hard time dealing with it.

Breaking up for either of us is not an option, we have talked about it, asked why we dont, why we keep going if its tough but we both love one another and want to make it work.

cho · 06-12-2012, 08:01 AM

going out for 1 year and already committed to marriage?

what age bracket are you guys around?

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 08:06 AM

Late 20's.

yot065 · 06-12-2012, 08:41 AM

maybe she having a mid life crisis, problems at work, social life whats going to happen with her life etc. maybe she doesnt want to feel dependent on you only and wants to be able to support her self with along side with you? like, how do you guys argue? provide a example if you can?

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 08:46 AM

She does not have a day time job per-say, she is a stay at home mom (which is truly a job that lasts 24/7).

An example of a fight between us two would be as follows.

I will bring up a subject that I want to talk to her about. A concern or a feeling I have.
We begin by talking about something (eg. money, friends, ex's, sex)
At some point she may change her tone of voice to seem upset or hurt.
Then I become upset that my attempt to talk is insulting.
The topic jumps all over the place from here and we cover all kinds of unrelated things from the initial subject.

More often than not we both end up hurt. Her reaction is to pull away and make distance when hurt, mine is to bring her closer and show her that even though we had a fight, my love for her has not left, I still love her even if we can not always agree or get along.

Gridlock · 06-12-2012, 08:50 AM

Can you help out in what general area this pertains to?

Quote:

She says she is unhappy with herself and is having a hard time dealing with it.

job? maybe medical/chemical imbalance? I'm going to put this out there just purely based on how you worded it, but body issues?

I know, that's kind of taking it personal, so I'm just going to talk in generalities anyway.

Job/Life:

If something here is causing issues, then at least its one of those things that the passage of time can sometimes solve. Yeah, we try to leave work at work, but I know for one, I can't. She's maybe in a position where she can't 'deal' with the work thing directly(boss issues are good for this) and its lashing out at home. My boss is a prick, but I can't say shit, but my god! if I have to make dinner one more time I'm having your head.

The best thing to do in this case is let it ride out.

Medical:

This one is tough, because neither time nor love is gonna do it. If its an imbalance then you can certainly help through support, but SHE needs to take charge of her health. Not saying she has to go the drug route, but lashing out at home isn't the option.

Body:

Just purely based on how you worded it, this popped in my head. If this is making her unhappy, then once again, its her that needs to take charge and you can support it

Oh, and you could be the issue.

I know, we're guys, and we are sometimes oblivious to this stuff, but have you done something that you don't think might be the issue, but a woman might?

I prefer the tough love approach. You try to support and love but occasionally you need to sometimes say, "I can't do this anymore". It's a bummer to walk on eggshells at home all the time.

Gridlock · 06-12-2012, 08:51 AM

How old is your kid?

dinosaur · 06-12-2012, 08:58 AM

Well, the good thing is...you guys are talking about it and appear to have good communication. Another good thing is that she is clearly aware of what is going on, how irritable she has been, and she has appeared to own her role in the arguments.

Her problem is....she doesn't know what her problem is. She is irritated by something which causes her to have irrational responses to the smallest things. You respond to these irrational responses the same way and it ends up being a pointless argument about who is going to cook the fucking dinner.

How is her work (or school)? Friends? Family? Is she happy about her choices in life? Is she questioning what she is doing? Is she stressed about money? What she has? What she doesn't have? Does she have a little depression? Maybe anxiety? A lot of people in their late 20s have a sort of "mid-life" crisis. Who am I? What am I doing? etc.

She is constantly running at an 8, mood-wise (1 is sleeping....10 is breathing fire). When you are forever at an 8, closing the door to loud will set her over the edge.

She (and you) need to figure out what is going on. If she can not put her finger on it, maybe it is best to talk to a professional...lots of us have done it, and it helps! Maybe look at some stress management activities, like yoga? Meditation? Even running or boxing.

The best thing you have done is make a commitment to her and have realized this is NOT who she really is. Kudos to you, dude.

Things will get better, but she is going to need to work on a little self-improvement....and it may not hurt for you to work on some too. It will most likely bring you guy closer

dinosaur · 06-12-2012, 09:00 AM

Sorry, took too long to post and just read about the kid.

I think you have your answer right there. I bet she feels over-worked, over-tired, under appreciated and not valued. These issue don't necessarily come from you (as I doubt you don't appreciate what she does, etc.), it is something that she has put on her own shoulders....us women are good at doing that to ourselves.

I guarantee she does not feel like she is living up to expectations in any aspect of her life. I think she needs to talk to a professional. OR, maybe you both could talk to someone together....that way she won't feel like it is "all her fault".

Gridlock · 06-12-2012, 09:04 AM

Well, she has a young child that probably drives her nuts all day(in that, I love you kid but omg I'm going insane way) probably affecting her body issues, possible hormonal issues depending on the age of the child and when daddy gets home she wants to fire the kid at him and make him take over.

Introducing the fact they have a child really changes everything.

She may not want to hear that she's not in the best of moods, she probably wants a nap.

dinosaur · 06-12-2012, 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock

I prefer the tough love approach. You try to support and love but occasionally you need to sometimes say, "I can't do this anymore". It's a bummer to walk on eggshells at home all the time.

I do not recommend the this approach. If you are not planning on ending the relationship.....NEVER say, "I can't do this anymore".

Also, 'tough love' hurts. She is hurting enough right now. Do not add another stress to her life at the moment. If she doesn't feel like she is living up to expectations, wait until she doesn't think she is living up to YOUR expectations.

FerrariEnzo · 06-12-2012, 09:29 AM

The first problem, you guys live together.
You guys need personal space befere having a REAL commitment. Having plans to marry so and so is not the same as ALREADY plan doing it. If you dont have a ring already on her, best really not to live together.

Second, arguments are part of a relationship, its what you do at the end. If you are are wrong, ADMIT it. IF she is wrong STILL admit your wrong but NOT in a stupid way. She will realize shes wrong and apologize after she has calm down.

Third, NEVER drag an argument for long periods of time. Admit wrong and forget it.. the longer you guys argue the MORE both of you guys will get aggressive. Both of you guys need to calm down.. either tell her to go out and do something or you do it.

Gridlock · 06-12-2012, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaur

I do not recommend the this approach. If you are not planning on ending the relationship.....NEVER say, "I can't do this anymore".

Also, 'tough love' hurts. She is hurting enough right now. Do not add another stress to her life at the moment. If she doesn't feel like she is living up to expectations, wait until she doesn't think she is living up to YOUR expectations.

I guess I meant this to be "constant fighting" not this to be "the relationship" and I'm getting the impression he may a little bit be there. He's questioning the ring right now because he doesn't know if he can sign up for this for life.

To me? That sounds like he can't do it anymore.

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock

Can you help out in what general area this pertains to?
job? maybe medical/chemical imbalance? I'm going to put this out there just purely based on how you worded it, but body issues?
I know, that's kind of taking it personal, so I'm just going to talk in generalities anyway.
Job/Life:
If something here is causing issues, then at least its one of those things that the passage of time can sometimes solve. Yeah, we try to leave work at work, but I know for one, I can't. She's maybe in a position where she can't 'deal' with the work thing directly(boss issues are good for this) and its lashing out at home. My boss is a prick, but I can't say shit, but my god! if I have to make dinner one more time I'm having your head.

The best thing to do in this case is let it ride out.

Medical:
This one is tough, because neither time nor love is gonna do it. If its an imbalance then you can certainly help through support, but SHE needs to take charge of her health. Not saying she has to go the drug route, but lashing out at home isn't the option.

Body:
Just purely based on how you worded it, this popped in my head. If this is making her unhappy, then once again, its her that needs to take charge and you can support it

Oh, and you could be the issue.

I know, we're guys, and we are sometimes oblivious to this stuff, but have you done something that you don't think might be the issue, but a woman might?

I prefer the tough love approach. You try to support and love but occasionally you need to sometimes say, "I can't do this anymore". It's a bummer to walk on eggshells at home all the time.

It may be a medical thing (chemical imbalance) she has brought that up before. I dont know what to do if it is other than offer my support and help for her to seek help with that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock

How old is your kid?

4

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaur

Well, the good thing is...you guys are talking about it and appear to have good communication. Another good thing is that she is clearly aware of what is going on, how irritable she has been, and she has appeared to own her role in the arguments.

Her problem is....she doesn't know what her problem is. She is irritated by something which causes her to have irrational responses to the smallest things. You respond to these irrational responses the same way and it ends up being a pointless argument about who is going to cook the fucking dinner.

How is her work (or school)? Friends? Family? Is she happy about her choices in life? Is she questioning what she is doing? Is she stressed about money? What she has? What she doesn't have? Does she have a little depression? Maybe anxiety? A lot of people in their late 20s have a sort of "mid-life" crisis. Who am I? What am I doing? etc.

She is constantly running at an 8, mood-wise (1 is sleeping....10 is breathing fire). When you are forever at an 8, closing the door to loud will set her over the edge.

She (and you) need to figure out what is going on. If she can not put her finger on it, maybe it is best to talk to a professional...lots of us have done it, and it helps! Maybe look at some stress management activities, like yoga? Meditation? Even running or boxing.

The best thing you have done is make a commitment to her and have realized this is NOT who she really is. Kudos to you, dude.

Things will get better, but she is going to need to work on a little self-improvement....and it may not hurt for you to work on some too. It will most likely bring you guy closer

Thanks button does not say it enough here.
This is us summed up in a nut shell.
She does not have a lot of good friends (especially girl friends) that she is close with. Her family is very limited, only have one close relative that she feels distant from. She has stress about money (I think we all do in Vancouver). We both see things we dont have but want, and I work my ass off to try and give us those things.
She always tells me I'm the most amazing boyfriend and no one has ever treated her so well and loved her despite the way things are. To me it does not feel like enough is being given from me, I want to be able to make her happy again. To be the source of her joy in this life (one of, not the only source) but its hard to feel like I am helpless to this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock

Well, she has a young child that probably drives her nuts all day(in that, I love you kid but omg I'm going insane way) probably affecting her body issues, possible hormonal issues depending on the age of the child and when daddy gets home she wants to fire the kid at him and make him take over.

Introducing the fact they have a child really changes everything.

She may not want to hear that she's not in the best of moods, she probably wants a nap.

There are days like this but it is hard for me as I leave for work very early and am generally not home till her bed time. So I don't get a lot of time with her aside from weekends. She does need a break and I try my best to give her that but sometimes I feel like I can not balance it all well enough.
I work so we can live comfortably, but that makes it hard to live because I work. Its hard to find the balance that is needed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaur

I do not recommend the this approach. If you are not planning on ending the relationship.....NEVER say, "I can't do this anymore".

Also, 'tough love' hurts. She is hurting enough right now. Do not add another stress to her life at the moment. If she doesn't feel like she is living up to expectations, wait until she doesn't think she is living up to YOUR expectations.

She does not think she is living up to my expectations of her. That is one thing that really makes her upset. I tell her its ok, we are not perfect. Sometimes we need time to figure things out or just have our own internal demons that wont allow us to be who we need to be at that moment. She know that her being like this effect me greatly and that she hates feeling like this. She hates knowing that she is hurting me.
Some days she is amazing, nothing is the matter.....others the world may as well have ended. On the bad days she feels distant and wants nothing to do with me, the good days its all love and rainbows (in a good way)

I just want to make her happy and live our lives together. There will always be struggles for us but I want to work together to solve them, not push her way to take care of it and pick back up when things feel better. How do I do that?

toyobaru · 06-12-2012, 10:25 AM

when i feel like theres too many arguements and too many times where shes getting evasive about talking about concerns or issues, to me its pretty clear shes trying to get you to break up with her. Maybe she has someone already on the side...

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FerrariEnzo

The first problem, you guys live together.
You guys need personal space befere having a REAL commitment. Having plans to marry so and so is not the same as ALREADY plan doing it. If you dont have a ring already on her, best really not to live together.

Second, arguments are part of a relationship, its what you do at the end. If you are are wrong, ADMIT it. IF she is wrong STILL admit your wrong but NOT in a stupid way. She will realize shes wrong and apologize after she has calm down.

Third, NEVER drag an argument for long periods of time. Admit wrong and forget it.. the longer you guys argue the MORE both of you guys will get aggressive. Both of you guys need to calm down.. either tell her to go out and do something or you do it.

Admitting we are wrong is hard for both of us, it is something I am working on with myself.
This is good advice tho. Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gridlock

I guess I meant this to be "constant fighting" not this to be "the relationship" and I'm getting the impression he may a little bit be there. He's questioning the ring right now because he doesn't know if he can sign up for this for life.

To me? That sounds like he can't do it anymore.

I can do this to the day I die, and will do it if that is what it takes. I'm not going anywhere unless she wants me to.
Its tough now, but there have been far more good things than bad. This is just a point where I am stuck, I don't want to put her in a place she does not want to be.

The ring is there, the questions just has not been asked yet.....but very soon. I will not give up on this girl, she is worth fighting for every day of my life.

I'm sure some of you will think me stupid for saying such a thing, but there is so much more to this than I can share. I have been in love with her and been through so much in this life...I know she is the one I want to be with even if it is tough sometimes.

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsCRAY

when i feel like theres too many arguements and too many times where shes getting evasive about talking about concerns or issues, to me its pretty clear shes trying to get you to break up with her. Maybe she has someone already on the side...

If she does, I truly hope she does not, then I would be devastated.
I trust her completely, and I do not think she has anyone already....she really would not have any time to have anyone else. She has her daughter for most of the day or other kids or is doing things to do with the school. She is so busy I do not see where she could even fit that into her life.

She says to me whenever this comes up that she still loves me, still wants to be married to me, still wants our lives to be spent together but she is unhappy with herself. She is not sure why and is doing her best to figure it out.

I truly hope you are wrong, but I wont lie, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 10:42 AM

sorry, double post

exploration03 · 06-12-2012, 10:59 AM

Aside from telling her it's okay and consoling her verbally. What else have you tried doing so far?

Couple key notes I got from reading your every response:

1: you love her unconditionally
2: she's a stay home mom
3: youre a workaholic to promote a better lifestyle for your family
4: you tell us youll do anything but you haven't mentioned what you've done to try
5: she does not have a sufficient support group inher life

This is all recipe for what sounds to me like she's not happy. When she's not happy, instincts will lead her to consider other options. If she has, or thinks she does she'll feel guilty. Guilty leads to low self esteem and wanting additional personal space to think. If you're too busy and she has no friends or family to confide in, she'll bottle it up and lead her to be emotionally unstable.

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by exploration03

Aside from telling her it's okay and consoling her verbally. What else have you tried doing so far?

I have tried to be more helpful around the house. Offering to cook (she just wont let me) clean, do laundry, ect.
I have tried to get her out to do things (when the budget allows)
I have tried to show her love in many ways (gifts, words, touch, ect)

She shows appreciation for it all and does perk up for a bit, but it settles back very fast and she becomes unhappy with things again. It is more of a distraction from what is in her that brings happiness.

exploration03 · 06-12-2012, 11:32 AM

You seem like you genuinely want to make her happy and hats off to you for finding a person that you 100% know you need in your life. If you're asking what you need I make it better, maybe think bak to the basics. Forget the negative ideas surrounding her unhappiness. Focus on making her happy.

You know what she likes? Hobbies, interests, pastimes or sports. Havin a child really pulls you away from all of that , forces you to grow up really quick. I'm also late 20s and my son is 8wks old, it's a huge demanding responsibility. Forget the budget as much as possible and focus on her and just her. Find a baby sitter, make her feel special and appreciated. Once she remembers why she is in the situation she is in the first place, I have a good feeling shell realize she chose to be there and it wasn't something she was forced to do.

Gridlock · 06-12-2012, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MGuy

I can do this to the day I die, and will do it if that is what it takes. I'm not going anywhere unless she wants me to.
Its tough now, but there have been far more good things than bad. This is just a point where I am stuck, I don't want to put her in a place she does not want to be.

The ring is there, the questions just has not been asked yet.....but very soon. I will not give up on this girl, she is worth fighting for every day of my life.

I'm sure some of you will think me stupid for saying such a thing, but there is so much more to this than I can share. I have been in love with her and been through so much in this life...I know she is the one I want to be with even if it is tough sometimes.

First, thank you. You have a child together, and that is worth the effort.

When I say "I can't do this anymore", I don't mean immediate break-up.

It sounds like you are trying a lot to help...but what of you?

Here you are on revscene, basically crying out for help. Saying "What more can I do?"

You can't. Men are fixers. She's having a problem, and your solution is to solve it. You can't. The best thing you can do is listen. No solutions, no 'what if we do this', just listen.

But I still get a 'we can't do this' feeling. And, that's not out of hate, that's out of love. You are working long days, busting it to provide for a family. Can you really keep up that energy at work all day, then come home to have your head taken off? I don't need the answer, but ask yourself the question, "how's that working out for you?"

I think there really could be a chemical imbalance. Or not, but we don't know.

I also think you really need to get some impartial help. I get that there are things you wouldn't want to share here. Share them in a safe place. They'll be able to talk about a medical side. Maybe its emotional. If she's trapped in toddler land all day, without a lot of friends to talk to...she could be going 'nuts'...I know I'd lose it. We need that connection with the adult, outside world.

What's the point of working your ass off if it isn't getting you anywhere?

MGuy · 06-12-2012, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by exploration03

Couple key notes I got from reading your every response:

1: you love her unconditionally
2: she's a stay home mom
3: youre a workaholic to promote a better lifestyle for your family
4: you tell us youll do anything but you haven't mentioned what you've done to try
5: she does not have a sufficient support group inher life

This is all recipe for what sounds to me like she's not happy. When she's not happy, instincts will lead her to consider other options. If she has, or thinks she does she'll feel guilty. Guilty leads to low self esteem and wanting additional personal space to think. If you're too busy and she has no friends or family to confide in, she'll bottle it up and lead her to be emotionally unstable.

1. Yes, I do love her unconditionally.
2. Yes, she is a stay at home mom. She does also do babysitting on 3-4 days a week.
3. I am not a workaholic by any means, but the distance we live from work and the time I work makes for a tougher time for me to be home and be part of the family during the week.
4. I covered this one in the quote of your initial reply.
5. She does not have the support that she needs. I have tried to be that for her, I never turn her away or turn down an opportunity to help with anything.

She tells me that she is happy with us, and that we are the last thing she worries about. I can do nothing but listen and accept what she has to say with regards to this. I do make time for her, every day, but she is feeling overwhelmed with herself at the moment.

Should I try and talk to her more? or give her space and let it sort out on its own?....:/