REVscene Automotive Forum - The 'problem' with nice guys

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The 'problem' with nice guys

reddit does a great job of explaining the problem with nice guys! thought I'd share!

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they all want an asshole on some level (again, generalizing here).
Damnit I'm so tired of this. But since we're generalizing..
We don't want assholes. I don't think there's many girls who wake up and think "gee golly, I hope I find myself an asshole today!"
We're just attracted to confidence. Unfortunately, a lot of assholes are (good at acting) confident, and a lot of nice guys aren't. Which means assholes get their foot in the door first, but they generally don't last too long.
The problem with not being confident is that we don't want to be turned into your psychologist or your mother. We don't want to have to hold your hand through everything. We don't want to feel crowded when we just want our 'me' time. We want someone who is happy with himself, because someone who isn't is emotionally draining and doesn't make us feel very good about ourselves or the life we would have ahead of us.
I mean, come on guys. What would you want in a girl? Someone who can't be without you, who hovers over you, needs to be in constant communication with you, freaks the hell out when you're not around, and just all-around isn't happy with herself? Or do you want a girl who is confident and fun and gives you your space and can take care of herself? Which sounds like a more healthy relationship to you?
If nice guys would stop living in this great big bubble of irrational fear, you would see a hell of a lot more of us dating them. But they rarely do. They're "too shy," or they're "too insecure" to ask us out, and won't tell us or give us any indication they're attracted to us if they want us to. When we do end up dating them, they get jealous over everything, are negative about themselves, or are cloying and give us no room to breathe or be our own person. And quite often, they don't really have personalities of their own or life experiences to share or stories to tell, meaning the relationship just becomes a negative, crowding experience.
There's also the fact that they're so desperate they'll take anything, and no girl particularly enjoys the feeling of being interchangeable with any other random vagina that would've said yes. A man with standards is attractive. A man without them isn't. If he has none, it tells us he's insecure, desperate, and will not provide for an enjoyable or emotionally healthy relationship. It tells us he doesn't know how to select for beneficial traits for compatibility in a partner. It tells us he doesn't actually care all that much about who we are as people. None of that is attractive.
The best combination? A heart of gold with confidence to back it up. I want a guy who's happy with who he is, and who will not feel shame or fear for acting as he is, who is able to get done what he wants to get done and change what he can change and accept what he can't, who is able to support himself and be happy with himself. There's nothing more attractive than just losing that damn fear and being content with your own company. You're not a child anymore, you don't need a parent to guide you and mind you and keep you company, and we don't want to be your parent. We want to be your partner.
And we want you to like us for us, not just because we're something to fill the hole.
EDIT: For the record, you can safely interchange 'he' with 'she' and vice versa. This applies to both genders, hope no one thinks I'm singling out one side. Being comfortable with yourself is good advice for anyone

liah comments on [24/m] I just blew my chances with a girl because I was trying way too hard to make her like me. How do I meet a girl who would actually appreciate my advances?

I don't know..... sometimes is hard to tell. Like girls always say they wait their man to be nicer but when meet one they claim isn't men enough......

i was a nice guy but was a bit on the safe side asking girls out in my early 20s. never had a problem being nice though. however, when i hit 25, it didn't matter anymore. i was still my nice guy self but i was confident and asked girls out not caring about rejection. you reach a certain age where it doesn't matter and you just go for it. i feel no shame if they reject me. right now i'm going out with a girl who may have been out of my league a few years ago but i don't see it that way anymore. i tell her "it'll be your loss one day if we break up" in a joking way. just go get 'em guys!

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Originally Posted by Mr.HappySilp (Post 7994249)

I don't know..... sometimes is hard to tell. Like girls always say they wait their man to be nicer but when meet one they claim isn't men enough......

That's because girls don't have a fucking clue what they're doing with their lives.
A real woman knows what she wants. WHAT. UP.

Theres "girls" and theres "women"

and it has NOTHING to do with age.

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Originally Posted by Qmx323 (Post 7994759)

Theres "girls" and theres "women"

and it has NOTHING to do with age.

Same applies to us guys.

Though it seems to me that there are way more "women" then "men" these days. It's quite sad really LOL.

The problem with these guys that complain about women always going for the asshole is that they often don't have the drive to take what's theirs. Then they bitch and complain about this asshole Mr. Charming guy who comes in and sweeps her off her feet because Mr. Nice Guy was too scared to make a move.

Women like men who have direction, confidence, ambition and pride. It's quite unattractive when guys act like love-sick puppies who worship the ground that she walks on. Call me sexist, but I look for somebody who can support our future family, who I can trust to make decisions on my family's behalf. I'm not saying that a man should be the only person supporting a family, financially. That seems impossible in our society and I highly respect people who are able to support a family of 4 on one income, but a man who is financially stable shows that he is somewhat mature. A guy who spends a night at a casino and drops $1,000, or a 27 year old who is working at Futureshop does not demonstrate that. It demonstrates lack of stability and direction. And a man as a husband and father should be a figure of stability and dependability.

There are boys and then there are men.

Wow. Sounds like it's written by a guy who rarely gets laid; or getting frustated that he keep's getting chosen over for someone else.

The problem with "nice guys" or the "white-knight technique" is because there IS no nice guy. We guys by nature are horny, selfish bastards; but because of our civility we all try to hide it and control it to varying degrees of success.

"nice guys" or "white-knights" pretend that they have zero of those qualities, or those qualities are non-existent to them. Why do they fail? or why do you see guys have relationships that don't last more than a few months? Because they can't keep up the act. It's easy to maintain the "image of perfection" for a few weeks, maybe even a month; but more than that, everyone's true personalities show. Everyone's flaws will show; flaws that every "nice guy" originally denied and lied they had.

Guys who get girls aren't "assholes." They're just honest. They're just honest about their flaws but guess what, and this is big:

They're also honest about their nice qualities; and that is what sinks women in. Because they can tell when these nice qualities are genuine, and not fake for the sake of appearance; and that's also why you see some women that are forgiving about some guy's flaws; while the rest of the "nice guy / white-knight" crowd goes :fulloffuck:

Hey Noir, can you elaborate on your "white knight" theory? I'm not sure what you mean. It seems to me that most "nice guys" are just AFC's (average frustrated chumps)-that is, I don't really see them pretending to be flawless or whatever, because most AFCs rarely even get to first base. And even if they somehow miraculously end up on first base, they are clueless what to do next, let alone being able to convince their date they're a "white knight."

are we gonna bring up 'the game' as well?

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Originally Posted by ShadowBun (Post 8001569)

are we gonna bring up 'the game' as well?

oo the game... i love convos with the game ... lasts for hours.

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Originally Posted by Noir (Post 8001199)

thats some interesting stuff buddy
so what you're trying to say is... nice guys are afraid to show their sexuality towards women
so they hide it
because showing any sign of sexuality for a nice guy is considered perverted
un gentlmen like right?

i think this applies to everyone to be honest... girls that get out there get guys, same way that guys do, the nice quiet ones are passive meaning that only the more confident aggressive girl/guy will get there first, how is a girl going to know about this guys interest if he dosnt make it clear the way someone who is more confident that steps forward. i have been both, shy passive and quiet while being respectful and it makes for a great friend, but stepping up being that confident guy, making yourself clear of your intentions makes the decision very easy for the girl, so regardless if you are a good or bad guy, its all up to how confident you approach the situation, same goes for girls.

i guess everyone just needs that "nice guy" or "nice girl" because its pretty much like friend zoning the person but at the same time it isn't. who do you go to when youre having a problem with your relationship? not your bf/gf, you go to your nice guy friend and ask him what you should do. it kinda gives like a purpose to the "nice guy"

before reading this. i was like this is going to be another bs writing.

thinking it through after reading, I totally agree with everyone needing self confidence.
I grew up FAT.. which I had a lot of insecurities and when I lost weight ladies raped me to the point I didnt want to be with anyone relationship wise.
i took advantage of me losing weight and did what i wanted to have fun...

then it finally hit me.. there was actually many ladies that liked me when I was fat, but the hell did i do about it? nothing... i was too busy thinking about me being fat.

too late now though,
im in a relationship of almost 6 years since i broke free from that insecurity

my only advice is.. golden rule man! golden rule.

Confidence is definitely key to being able to put yourself out there to date someone.
Unfortunately many of those self claimed "nice guys" do not have the confidence and may possibly feel as if they are unable to "compete" with other guys. (or girls).
Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out of your comfort zone if you're too shy.
Knowing a few "nice guys/girls"...they tend to have too high of standards which may also be holding them back.
Posted via RS Mobile

i agree, this is so true