[Confidential] Insight into my relationship?
 

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I would really appreciate some insight on my relationship. I consider my relationship to be a pretty serious one. Lately things havent been so hot and we constantly get into fights. Its always about the same thing. Him with my anger and me with him not contributing to our relationship. The two problems have yet to be solved. Im always frustrated with him not doing anything about it and he doesnt offer to do anything about it. But anyways, we decided to break up although we both know we love each other and dont want to part but we both have a bit of growing up to do. We feel like we are better off just living independently because we seem to be just tolerating each other at the moment. In the past i always cut my connections with my exs but i really dont want to do that with him and i dont know how i can be just friends. We both agree that we will just end up being with each other again. We would both like to get back together in the future after we get our shit together but who knows what the future will hold? What if he finds someone else? Perhaps we are blinded by love but im really stuck on what to do after we "break up". Move on or what?

Any advice or criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Sounds like you guys are not made for each other unless one of you decides to change.

Sounds like you guys love each other because there is no other options.

Why not just have an open relationship with this man? Declare your status as "seeing each other" or "dating" and look for other people who might suit your lifestyle and expectations better.

You're looking for someone who's willing to contribute to the relationship, and he's looking for someone who's not expect as much out of a relationship, so it's clear that you both have different view and standards when it comes to boyfriend/girlfriend.

Or leave it as it is for now, and one day you guys will know how much you need each other. Most people never realize what they had until it's gone. When they don't, it means it was never there in the first place.

Why don't you start with why you want to be with him in the first place?

If shit isn't working, why force it? Don't get back together with him if it is just to prevent him from dating someone else.

Doesn't seem like much of a relationship to salvage.

take some time off to appreciate each other more

sounds like he was too comfortable with the status quo and didn't want to change, if he doesn't want to then no amount of nagging will motivate him

What do you mean by "your anger" and "him not contributing to your relationship?"

Is your anger warranted?
What does he do, or not do, to not contribute to the relationship?

You're going to have to be more specific.

I don't agree with the whole "meant to be" trope. I believe that anything that's worth anything, requires work. Sure, sometimes people just "click." But not every relationship is that lucky. If you guys can get past this, then your payoff will be tremendous.

My girlfriend and I were on and off for 4 years now, fighting and going on breaks every few months. About a year ago, we had our "last" fight. Instead of breaking up again, I forced us to sit down and just put everything out there. What's working, what isn't working, why it isn't working. I would not accept "it just isn't" as an answer. Everything has a reason. We figured out what she and I like about each other, and what we don't like. We explain ourselves for the "don't like's", and try to work on it. After all, if it bothers your SO, more often than not, it bothers someone else too. And why not try and minimize your flaws to become a better person overall? Since that "fight", we haven't fought in over a year, and we are now closer than ever. The honesty and connection is just on a whole other level now.

You guys have to get into each other's headspace, see what the other's seeing. That's the only way you'll truly understand each other. If your feel your relationship is worth fighting for, that "talk" is definitely worth having.

If not, then, well. Nothing left to do but move on.

Maybe both of you are in different stages in the relationship. Maybe he is only in stage 3 or 4 while you are in 5(getting ready to marry). So you guys think and want different things from the relationship.

Taking your anger out on him isn't a good idea. What you could have done is talk with him without getting angry or sound negative. Try something like this "I love you very much, and I know you are trying very hard in the relationship, but I think we are wanting different things from the relationship. I want to get marry and start a family but I feel as if you are not in that stage yet. I think it is best if we both take some off our relationship and see how things go. I still love you but there are some things I need to figure out on my own but I still like to keep dating you."
This way you are not sounding negative, you acknowledge that he loves you, and is trying is best so he didn't know anything wrong.

Guys are like rubber bands. Sometimes we stick really close to our gf then we swing the other way around. Is not that we don't love you guys or like you, just that we feel uncertain and if the girls comes chasing us when we swing back, we feel pressured,push around and might even think the girl isn't the one. When we swing away the best thing is let us do our thing, when we bounce back we will even care you more.

I actually learn a lot about girls and guys and dating from reading a book call Mars and Venus on a date. Give it a read. SOmestuff sounds accurate some not so much.

It takes two to make it work and from what i read it doesnt sound like either of you are putting in the effort to change. You both want results but arent living up to your end of the bargain.

Maybe the both of you dont want it as bad as you think

This.

A relationship is like a playground seesaw. Both people have to keep it in motion by doing their part.
If one person just jumps off, the other person lands on their ass.
If both people jump off, then it was a losing battle from the start.

Just depends how bad you both want it.

^What they said.

Relationships. A game for 2. Not for 1. Both of you need to take a step back and think about what needs to be done for each other and yourselves. Breaking up isn't the solution. I would never break up or a "break" because my philosophy is that it creates an imprint in your mind. Imagine all the wrongs and disagreements in the past, and a "break" will just add to it and leaves a sour feeling. Thats just in my opinion but others may think otherwise.

My girlfriend is the same. Not really contributing much or never really thinking about what to do for me. I would then give some suggestions like "hey how about you come to find me after work" or "hey I downloaded a movie, how about you come over to my house tonight". Pretty much you work around it and make sure you tell each other what you really feel and want. Doesn't matter if the other person gets angry because the main point is getting stuff off your chest because that's what you're feeling.

99% of the time women and men cant be friends when intamacy is involved. Move on, there are 34 million people in Canada, be strong cut your losses and get out there and meet other people. I find that many get wrapped up in thier situation that they cant see the forest for the trees.