[Confidential] 3yrs, 7months, new girl. I still miss her.
 

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I met this girl back in my party phase, about 3years and 8months ago. We met new years eve and after that night, everything changed for the better of me.
Little background about myself:
In my party state, I would live only for the weekends, and slack during the week. Work was just a choir for me, to fund my party addictions. I flunked in school, failed at work and most importantly I didn't care about my health and the ones who truly cares about me. (my perspective now.)
Although I met her at a party, she was different. Different in a way it made me realize to myself I have step up and be a better person to keep this jewel. I went back to school, worked hard at work. I took several courses at school, and due to my lack of interest in the courses i took, i failed multiple times. However, she looked passed that; and encouraged me to upgrade myself to be the best me. Her words and actions were very motivating and it pushed me to strive harder each time i fail.
Till this day I still remember the motivating words.
"I want a future with you, work hard now so we can live a comfortable life together and grow old."
I took those words and engraved it to my head, me as a whole.

Within 2 years of school, I finished with what I needed to know. Using those skills I have accumulated I slowly creep-ed my way up at work and made decent amount legitimately. She was so happy to see me hard at work, and showing that I actually care about work and others around me.

I changed,
for the better. I owe it all to her.
My parents always told me that she did change me, and if it wasnt for her; who knows what or where I'll end up in the future.

We've been together for exactly 3 years on the dot.
The first year was the best. All the motivation, the time we've shared, the moments thats forever engraved in me. Unfortunately all that slowly dwindle.
The second year we always fought about useless things and stupid things. Now, as I feel like I've matured and aged more; the useless, stupid things we've argued about was more based on me not finding the quality time with her. I was so attached to work, I didn't realize how much she needed me.
I always thought I was right, I always needed it my way, I never really understood her problems, never listened fully to her problems and instead I would throw out a suggestion to solve the issue.
I look back to myself and realize what an absolute idiot I was.
The 3rd year, we hardly saw each other. I was so attached to work and get stressed by it, I dont even try to find time with her.
It's so sad thinking about this every day, looking back how I lost the most valued person in my life.
She loves to go clubbing to dance and have fun, but I was too busy and tired with work and realizing how expensive clubbing is so I always decide not to go.
Respectfully she wont go unless I go, so she never went.
Theres so many things I can say about this situation and it all revolves around me not putting that extra effort.
What hurts most is the regret.

Its been 7-8 months now.
She's moved on, and Im still on a sailing boat with no wind in site. I burried myself with work and other useless things to keep myself from thinking.
I recently met a new girl. She is absolutely the type of girl that you know she'll treat you good.
We've been seeing each other for 1month, and I seem to be developing some feelings towards her; but im holding back due to the fact that I still think about my ex.

I've always envisioned myself to marry my ex, and start a family with her. I was hoping this new girl could erase that thought, unfortunately, no progress has been made. Lately, as things progress with the new girl, I keep thinking about my ex.
Its killing me.

I'm here to ask the community here for suggestions on what I can do to ease the stress/pain. Thanks

PS: for those who are experiencing similar situation, my word to you is to find that extra time, whether its an hour, 30m or even 10m. its the little things that counts.

Honestly 7 months isn't very long to get over a 3 year relationship. When I got out of my 4 year relationship it was probably about a year before I was actually over it and not pretending to be. Time really does heal you, and if she really has moved on use that as a building block to get on with your own life.
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As cliche as this may sound, only time can heal you.

You've only been seeing this new wonderful girl of yours for only 1 month. Give it time. Let her grow onto you. It may not be apparent now, but when you give her a chance, she may give the whole world to you. Thoughts of the past, will pass. Its good to learn from the past, but embrace present and future and let the past go. Whats happened, has happened.

You said she's moved on, so I am guessing that there is no second chance with your ex. You need to accept that and just work towards the future. Maybe its still too soon for you to move on, and if so, just let your current girlfriend know and just go slow. And when you do feel more comfortable, open up to her. It sounds like you have another perfect opportunity with another girl, so don't let her be a rebound chick. Just be honest with her. I'm sure over time, you 2 would work out and hopefully, you'll move on from the past.

i know a guy who doesnt like to club and a girl who goes every week, both of them are probably not meant for each other, maybe in highs chool but not when they get older
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Great post.

I would add, a counseling/therapy session or two may be advisable. It would potentially prevent your thoughts from interfering with this current relationship developing; potentially money and time very well spent.

I was in a similar situation, however a few different factors led to the break up. It's been almost 1.5 years and I still think about her from time to time. Am I in a better position now than I was 7-8 months ago? Hell yeah.

I've realized that much of what I really missed was the routine we fell into after being together for such a long time. It's quite overwhelming to all of a sudden have a change of pace. In the mean time just focus on yourself, and reprioritize what's important now.

I remember when I first started seeing a different girl, and I always felt like I was comparing my current relationship to the past. Time heals all man, the hardest part is accepting that it's over and there's nothing you can do to change it.

Oh god, at first I thought it's BEEN 3 years and 7 months and you still can't get over her.

And holy fuck, my ex, which I dated for 3 years minus one day, we also started dating on New Years Eve. Anyway, 7 months is not a very long time (relatively) if you were high as a kite about this girl. Give it some time.

Be honest and fair to the new girl and let her know what's holding you back.

However, also being fair you can't expect her to wait around for you either (but I'm sure you already know this)

A few things that popped into my head when reading your post:

1) When you were working hard at work/stressing yourself out at work and she was saying you weren't putting in the effort, did SHE make the effort to try and plan things with you or was she always just expecting you to plan things?

It just confuses me a little because you put in massive efforts to change your life around so you two could have a better future. I don't see how that shows you're not putting in effort.
IMO based on what you've told us she failed to look at the big picture.

2) Did she leave you only based on the fact she felt like you weren't putting in the effort to see her?

First and foremost, do not use this new girl as an object to get over your ex (which seems like you already are). I think this problem here is much more important and you need establish that personally. If it's truly the case, then it is only fair that you let this girl know that you're in the stage of getting over your ex (but many would not recommend you do this obviously).

Secondly, to get over someone you once loved is not easy. First thing to start with is obviously get rid of things like gifts, pictures, letters, etc. that reminds you of her. At the same time, avoid places where you've two shared the most memories.

You have to be on constant reality check, and I can't stress that enough. What's happening here is your mind is not in its conscious state whenever you think about your ex. You have to snap out of your daydreaming and remind yourself that now is reality. Keep yourself busy and keep yourself from going back into daydreaming.

Every time you're with your new girl and every time you look at her, remind yourself how wonderful you are now that you've found someone that will share a future and many memories with you. Dwelling on the past only leave you in depression and worst comes to worst, you might even lose this new girl.

Last but not least, do not blame yourself that the relationship with your ex didn't work out, it's nobody's fault. Only thing you can blame is time, the timing was off. At the same time, you were probably going into a mid life crisis where you have to worry about your career/future and education. A lot of people get through this without losing anybody/anything but it's not easy. Everything was planned all along, and no matter what you could've/should've/would've done, the outcome is still the same. It is because of this downfall, you possess better traits on caring in a relationship, you have the opportunity to start new with this girl and try to perfect the imperfection between you two. Take it as a blessing.

Good luck my friend.

This post brought a tear to my eye. I keep imagining OP running through the airport a year later yelling girl A's name and they kiss right outside the boarding gate.

Just a small thing to add to the handful of very helpful opinions of others, is that she may have left you for another reason. I remember when my girlfriend and I broke up, it was quite difficult to get the real reason out of her.

Simply put, the timing of your relationship and meeting of each other was off. Take the experience and let time heal you. Be grateful that there is a new girl in your life. It might not be the best thing to tell this new girl that you are still getting over your ex. She may see you differently or choose to take a break from seeing each other. On the other hand, if she really does have great interest in you, she may try to convince you of what mr_chin stated (support you in your state).

Would thank you x2. OP please take this advice. Especially the bolded.

Time heals all.

It's only been 7 months, give it time. Whether this girl is a rebound or the next real deal...don't rush anything. Let love run on its own time.

show your ex what you wrote here, less the new girl
doesnt work? move on and let time heal u

You are supposed to learn from your past relationships. I'm glad you matured as a person because of her.

no.

i was once in a similar situation like you. met someone that changed my life. tried harder in school, started to lose weight. started dressing like a regular person. she was the biggest impact of my life. but sadly now she's out of my life. but i still carry on these good habits. we were never official but were together for about a year. she's moved on and so have I. all you need is time and good friends. they'll help you get your mind off her.

She's shown you how to be better and perhaps you could take this as one last "lesson." She's moved on, and now it's your turn to do the same. You don't want to lag behind do you?

Give the new girl a shot - put effort into it like you did for school and work. You don't know what will happen. She may be beyond what you initially thought and you'll wonder why you kept letting someone who's long gone get in the way of your future.

Im in a really similar situation. My ex and I were together for 6 and half years. We were planned to move in together. I was saving for an engagement ring. But somethinf happened. I still have random dreams about her. I Still think about her sometimes. But she moved on. It sucks but I think it actually helps me get over her easier. Oh.. and ive come to realize that if I really do love her... I cant be selfish and keep her from her happiness. So i told her I was happy for her and wished her the best. Im still going through mine. But im slowly getting over it. So good luck to you sir.
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everyone is different, i broke up with my gf of 2 yrs and it took me 7 days. she did something really stupid so that made it easier.

people always put time as a measuring standard which I hate.

All in all, my X wanted more quality time but she herself was feeling lonely and bored all the time. She invested her time in shopping, interior design and never realize investing in these monetary things result in nothing at the end. I do with her all the best. As for you, don't live in regret, it is what it is, she will always be the one whom has made you a better person. You should be blessed she touched you in your life. At least send her a thank you card later down the road.

I only dated my ex for 10 months or so and when we broke up (A few weeks ago in good terms) It hurts like hell. It still does hurt.

The best suggestions I can give is keep yourself busy with friends/family/hobby/work out...... and if you still feels like your ex is always on your mind or you can't let her go don't go into a relationship. It will only make you and the new girl unhappy and is not fair for both of you. The best way to see if you are over ex? If she is dating someone else and you don't feel jealous or angry or sad about it then you have moved on.

I'm with 6793026, different times for everyone.

Last girl I broke up with, 2 days later I was on a date and never looked back.
(Granted the last relationship was extremely hard on me...it went from dating for many months, to me being her personal nurse for a condition she had all her life but never told me until it showed up, and when it showed...it hit hard, and she had so many allergies/food allergies that we just couldn't do anything. Can only have so many in house movie dates before it gets bored...entire summer wasted...so had to do what was best for me.

So yeah, usually after a month my minds off the girl, just don't even think about her, and if you do, think of her flaws that you didn't like(its what I do at least lol), do it enough and I end up subconsciously stop thinking of her
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Time to start lifting and focusing on you