I need advice, please: Is it my place to say something?
 

So I've been put in a situation where my friend A, is between two love interests, and I don't know whether or not I need to say something to either one of these people.

Love Interest #1 is A's significant other at the moment. Love Interest #2 is out of town, but has extremely strong feelings for A, and is talking about moving here to Vancouver to pursue something serious with A.

A and Love Interest #2 had something pretty serious going on, and A still kept a secret relationship with #2 even after becoming official with #1.

Love interest #1 has been a very good friend to me since dating A, and A and I are best friends. It's been apparent recently that A will swoon and oogle at the mention of Love Interest #2's name, while at the same time telling me that #1 has been taking up too much of their time, and is becoming annoyed with #1.

Both #1 and #2 have expressed to me recently how head over heels in love they are with A. #1 and 2 don't know about each other.

I'm in a situation where I feel like I should tell #1 what A is doing behind their back, but because A is my best friend, I don't feel like I'm in any position to say anything. It's just that my conscience tells me different. #1 has been extremely kind to me since the day we met, and they're honestly one of the most genuine people I know.

I also feel like, because #2 has confided all their feelings about A to me, I should tell #2 that A has a significant other and that before leaving their life to come to Vancouver, they need to know the truth about what A is doing.... behind both their backs.

I don't know if I'm in any position to say anything to #1 or #2. I'm gonna have a long hard talk with A about everything I've been told about this situation and see what comes out of this. I feel that both #1 and 2 are very genuine people and don't deserve to be deceived in this way... I'm just extremely unsure if its my place to say anything.

Option # 3:

Don't talk directly to Interest # 1 or # 2.

Instead:
Suggest or hint to your best friend, "A" that it is not right and it is selfish to not tell "Love Interest 2" about "Love interest 1" because "Love Interest 2" is thinking about moving to Vancouver....

By doing so, you are not going behind your best friend's back.

AND, you would have at least done SOMETHING.

Then, it is up to your best friend to decide on what to do...

if A wasn't your best friend, would you hesitate in telling love interest #1 and #2 what a no good indecisive taking good guys for granted byatch she is? my conscience would tell me yes.. but your loyalty lies with your friend and not the love interests..

have a hard talk with A, strongly condemn her for stringing 2 guys along and that she needs to stop this behaviour or make a decision before #2 gives up whatever he has to come to vancouver only to find out he's a man-in-waiting

if you decide your loyalty lies with A, then no you're not in a position to say anything. more importantly, you're not a party to the relationship(s) so don't get involved. if things goes south, A will hate you for ratting her out and love interest #1 and #2 will shun you for not telling them when they confided in you. don't be collateral damage to a 3rd party breakup.

what you can do is drop hints to love interests #1 and #2. for example: tell #2 to seriously consider his options before packing up his bags and move, think about the consequences and whether it's worth it all; tell #1 to get to know/understand A better and to not let the "head over heels" feelings get in the way of good judgement (this applies to #2 as well)

at the end of the day, it's up to them (more specifically A) to solve this problem. don't take it upon yourself to try and unwind this, it's not your call and not your responsibility. as a best friend, your responsibility is to tell A she's in the wrong and needs to get her act together.

You need to ask yourself: What is the cost of loyalty?

With names.. in case anyone else found it difficult to decipher between #1, #2, A



OP - you need to talk to Alice and say that she needs to talk to Mark and end it with Mark or you will talk to Bob and start it. Neither guy deserves a girl like Alice. As Alice's friend, you have some duty to slap some sense into her and if you are scared of losing her as a friend after that, then how real is your friendship?

you know what, at situations like this. I do honestly wish someone would teach the girl a lesson. Have BOTH guys DUMP the chick. That'll mofo teach the bitch a lesson.

I've been in the same situation.

It's not up to you to decide what A does to #1 and #2, only A can pull the trigger and I would not put the onus on myself. I will simply advise to A that what he's/she's doing is not quite acceptable to play the feelings of both #1 and #2.

I agree with the post above with regards to approaching A. In telling A, you have at least done something; no one can fault you for trying to point the moral compass in the correct direction. They are adults, they can make their own decisions.

Personally, I'd hate to have blame put on me for talking to someone's love interest for trying to do the right thing and further complicating the love triangle with your input.. You would be in a no-win situation for you at that point.

Hookup with #1 and #2 at the same time.

It's the only way A will learn.

holy fuck this situation reads like a fucking written math problem lol. 69. The answer is 69.

But yeah, pretty much what's been said already. Do your dues and provide some advice. Nothing more, nothing less.

Tell A to stop fucking around, you need to nicely put it that she needs to choose between #1 or #2.. And then let them know that, because #2 is willing to RELOCATE just for someone.. and that almost always ends badly.

He already said that A will swoon when it comes to topics about #2.

There really is no solution that will favor them equally at this point, especially when you're a person not involved.

However, if you do decide to get involve there are a one thing you should figure out first.

How good of a friend are you between A, #1, and #2? Which friendship do you cherish the most and not want to destroy? Once you've figure this out, go inform that friend.

If it's A, just advise him to stop doing what he's doing and come clean with it.
If it's #1, inform her about #2.
If it's #2, tell her not to relocate for A because he already has a SO.

If all 3 friendship are equal to you, stay the fuck out. Helping any 1 of the 3, will leave the other 2 thinking that you're just a rat bastard because once they know that you knew about this all along, you're no innocent than the player himself.

OP still needs to deal with the original moral dilemma (and question) - Is it his/her place to say?

Seems to me like hedonist has taken a liking to #1 or may not even be thinking about this.. amirite?

IMO you should have given #2 a heads up on #1 when they first told you of their feelings. Since you didn't, I'd talk to A and let them know they're pulling some pretty douchey moves.

Sounds to me like you need some better friends.....by your so called "friend" introducing you to both people and having you around, they are also expecting you to keep the lie going with both of them.

bestfriends right?