GabAlmighty
11-03-2010, 10:20 PM
Dunno if it's a rapist or not, sorry.
JOKE # 1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona
sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The
bartender gives him one..
The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives
him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't
you drinking a Molson's?'
The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'
CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey
Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'
'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.
'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'
CANADIAN JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon
and asked, 'Is there anything you can do to me
that would make me into a Newfie?'
'Sure it's easy.' replied the neurosurgeon. 'All I have to do is cut
out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie..'
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead
of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut
out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the
anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon
said to him 'I'm terribly sorry, but there was a
ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I
accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.'
The patient replied 'Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?'
----------------------------------------------------------------
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA:
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA:
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN:
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA:
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. In spring, you can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
6. In summer, you can spend time watching trucks and cars driving to Sask. or Ont.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO:
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC:
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK:
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA:
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
4. Your abandoned undersea coal mines now make US border crossings secret, easy and hassle-free.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND:
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND:
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian cars won't start.
· Canadians drive with the windows down.
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes.
· Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying, "Cold, eh?"
· Vancouver Canucks finally beat the Chicago Black Hawks in the playoffs.
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
JOKE # 1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona
sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The
bartender gives him one..
The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives
him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't
you drinking a Molson's?'
The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'
CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey
Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'
'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.
'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'
CANADIAN JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon
and asked, 'Is there anything you can do to me
that would make me into a Newfie?'
'Sure it's easy.' replied the neurosurgeon. 'All I have to do is cut
out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie..'
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead
of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut
out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the
anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon
said to him 'I'm terribly sorry, but there was a
ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I
accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.'
The patient replied 'Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?'
----------------------------------------------------------------
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA:
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA:
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN:
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA:
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. In spring, you can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
6. In summer, you can spend time watching trucks and cars driving to Sask. or Ont.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO:
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC:
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK:
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA:
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
4. Your abandoned undersea coal mines now make US border crossings secret, easy and hassle-free.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND:
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND:
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian cars won't start.
· Canadians drive with the windows down.
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes.
· Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying, "Cold, eh?"
· Vancouver Canucks finally beat the Chicago Black Hawks in the playoffs.
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.