[dachinesedude]

The quarterlife crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult.

coming to an age where the following problems are starting to creep up fast and all at once, those who went through it how did you guys cope?

the check list:
- feeling like you’re not doing well enough
- frustration & disillusionment with the working world
- feeling insecure about what you’re doing, where you’re going & what your plans are
- anxiety over close relationships
- feeling extremely bored with your social life
- nostalgia for teenage years, high school or university
- feeling a desperate need to “settle down” — like buy a house, get married or have a baby
- ...or conversely, wanting to “escape” the real world — like backpacking around the world or finding a nice cave to live in
- financial stress or confusion
- intense loneliness
- feeling that everyone is doing better than you
- terror at the concept of getting “old”
- wondering “is that all there is?”
- a vague feeling of apathy, mixed with horror, panic & depression

i can prob check off 80% of those right now, which is BAD

[bcrdukes]

Ride a motorcycle (which you already do.)

On a serious note (not that riding a motorcycle isn't) - I personally believe that list above does more harm than good. I once over-stressed and thought too deeply over each item you listed. There is a possible chance that you are over thinking things. A lot of the items you listed once bothered me but I crossed off the list by writing down each and every item in detail, listing out what matters and what doesn't etc. The worst part is comparing yourself to your peers which I had to stop doing because there was really no point. But when you stop and think for a minute - this is natural. You are human. You are naturally going to compare yourself to others, for better or worse. We are competitive animals by nature. I, too, can check off 100% of that list. But do I? No.

How I coped? I took the initiative on my own part and created bigger and newer challenges, especially at work and through continuing education. I took on bigger projects with much greater responsibility and risk and took night classes at UBC and BCIT. I also took up bicycling and motorcycling, got my Class 6 through PRS, picked up a bike and started riding. I also vacationed more frequently, visiting my family in Los Angeles. In life, there are a lot of insignificant details that shouldn't matter but somehow, we subconsciously take up useless details and turn them into problems. In the end and at the end of the day, I always ask myself, "Does this really fucking matter?"

The answer is usually no.

Set yourself some goals. Both short and long term goals. Write them down. And create a plan to achieve them because that is what matters in the end. And you'll feel better about it.

[twitchyzero]

personally i only felt few of those points applied to me...though those few are quite significant

i'm not sure how being nostalgic about school is a bad thing...and for guys getting old and aging shouldn't be as a big of a deal when compared to females

i think being in this general age group there might be that feeling of uncertainty of where you see yourself in 10 years..but honestly it's much better than the shit that comes your way when you get into your 30's..40's..50's+....thinking about paying mortgage...taking care of not just kids but your aging parents etc etc.

[lowda9]

Been going through over half of the things on the list for at least a couple years now. I've been told that over time it will go away.

[TheNewGirl]

This has a lot to do with the fact that our evolutionary history conflicts with our present reality. Say you're 25. Well for like.... all of human history outside of the last... 70-50 years (at best) you should have had kids and a mate and be halfway through your life, with territory to defend (a house) and a family to provide for. You're supposed to be fully integrated into a multi-generational community not just fixed with your age cohorts.

This is hard coded into all of us. It conflicts greatly with the current reality of our existence but not nearly enough generations have passed to alter this programming.

So... I don't know if it helps but sometimes it does for people to think of it that way.

As someone who's in my 30s, I've watched most of my friends have MAJOR melt downs in the last couple of years (they're largely between 35 and 40) because at their ages they don't have families or children either. While me with a kid at home, I go meh no big, every year as my kiddo gets older I feel a little younger and freer.

[PJ]

+1 for new challenges, and also just taking initiative to actually go do the things you've always wanted to do.

I'm in my early 20's and I had already gone through this.. still am.. sorta.
Here's a quick rundown of how it happened for me.

I became a project engineer when I was 20, which is a really young age for such a position. I'm still working the same job right now, but I don't plan on being here much longer. I mean money's great, but it's amazing how when you're making it doing something you don't enjoy, you finally understand what they mean by "money doesn't equal happiness."

Within a couple years into the line of work, I bought a nice car, started saving up for a down payment, and that's when the crisis hit me.. I asked myself.. I'm 21.. Do I wanna be doing this for the next 45 years? Am I going to be satisfied with my life? The epiphany really shook me up. I started reading some self help books and listing out things I want to accomplish.

A couple quotes that really stuck out to me from the books are: "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting." and "You'll only remember the things you did do in life, not the things you didn't."

As I was going through this epiphany, the craziest thing happened. I found out that there was one guy who worked over 30 years for my dayjob company, just retired, and passed away 2 days after his retirement. That scared the shit out of me. Work all your life and never get to truly enjoy yourself? I had to make a change.

Months later, I decided to clear my life of clutter. I downgraded my car, sold my time-consuming stocks, paid off all my loans, and started actually executing things I wanted to do, as well as taking on new challenges. (Still in a smart, calculated sense, of course.. I wasn't blindly burning money.) Too many people tell themselves they'll do things "some day."
I figure, if not now, then when? What's the worst that can happen?

In the last 2 years, I was signed to a temporary music development contract with a record label, got to (and still) work with musicians, artists and writers I never thought I'd meet, wrote a book, met a literary agent (book deal is in progress right now), and incorporated a company. I'm also going to China for the first time tomorrow for a business trip! This is on top of all the extra snowboarding, biking, and traveling that I've been doing. It's amazing how much more you can do by making the tiniest changes in things you thought you needed.

I really have a soft spot for helping people going through these depressions, as it can be hard to be taken seriously by your friends. I was able help myself by reading. But I understand that's not for everyone. Some people I know turn to drugs to give themselves temporary highs. They literally go to work everyday, go home, smoke a joint, watch tv, play video games, go to sleep, and repeat until the weekend, which then they go to the club to chase tail. That was something I really didn't want to fall into. Don't get me wrong.. I still go out, get shitfaced with friends, sit around and watch tv every now and then. But I don't let myself become dependant on those things.

If anyone ever wants to have a chat, online or over coffee or whatever, shoot me a PM. I don't bite.

[dachinesedude]

PJ what books did you read? i wanna check them out

[PJ]

I was already in the entrepreneurial mindset, so most of the books I read were all pretty much stressing the same points.

You should check out 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. This book kinda puts all the self-help books out there into 1. There's a bit of technical business stuff in it, but it still covers everything we're after. If I had to pick 1 book that really made me get my life on track, this would be the one.

[Teh Doucher]

I really have a soft spot for helping people going through these depressions, as it can be hard to be taken seriously by your friends. I was able help myself by reading. But I understand that's not for everyone. Some people I know turn to drugs to give themselves temporary highs. They literally go to work everyday, go home, smoke a joint, watch tv, play video games, go to sleep, and repeat until the weekend, which then they go to the club to chase tail. That was something I really didn't want to fall into. Don't get me wrong.. I still go out, get shitfaced with friends, sit around and watch tv every now and then. But I don't let myself become dependant on those things.

If anyone ever wants to have a chat, online or over coffee or whatever, shoot me a PM. I don't bite.

im 25 and this is exactly what my life is like at the moment. seems like im stuck in this endless loop that i cant escape... also going through pretty much everything the OP listed.

oh and i also thought i'd mention that during this quarter life crisis, i ended up getting very depressed after my 25th birthday last june and as a result, i am now in a massive chunk of debt with my pickup truck.

[PJ]

im 25 and this is exactly what my life is like at the moment. seems like im stuck in this endless loop that i cant escape... also going through pretty much everything the OP listed.

oh and i also thought i'd mention that during this quarter life crisis, i ended up getting very depressed after my 25th birthday last june and as a result, i am now in a massive chunk of debt with my pickup truck.

Everyone has their priorities and vices.. it turns into a problem when your vices become your main priorities.

By no means am I a counsellor, I'm just merely suggesting based on personal experience and what worked for me. Remember, you have to make a change if you want a change.

I also don't mean to be presumptuous or offensive in anyway.. But here's a quick jumble of monthly costs based on absolute straight assumptions. I was able to help a few of my friends by showing them these quick simple calculations. Hopefully this can help some more people. All it takes is that little spark for you to take the initiative.

Truck payment (~600/month + 200 insurance + 400 gas), Mary J (let's say.. 50 a week, 200 a month), Clubbing (anywhere from 200-400 a weekend.. let's say say 300 for simplicity's sake, you hit the club say, 3 times a month, that's 900).

That's roughly $2300 a month, hopefully you don't gamble as well.
That's not including housing, food, cell, etc, because those are necessities.
Also that doesn't include eating out, movies, and bar nights, because well, we're not robots. A social life is still important. As long as it's kept under control.

A snowboarding lift pass at Cypress = ~$50
Go-karting = ~$30
Full on dinner for 2 at the Keg, drinks and everything = ~$150-$200+
A round trip flight to Vegas = ~$250?
A 1 or 2 week round trip flight to China + hotel, food, drinks = ~$1500-$2000
And so on.. I'm sure you get the picture.

Keep in mind, this is with ZERO saving or investing, and assuming you want to do such "crazy" things every month (which isn't a bad thing). If you can do some saving/investing, that can only do good for you. But I think at this point, the biggest milestone is realizing the things you COULD be doing by making the tiniest changes. Even if you kept your car, and cut down on the bud and take a night or two off from the clubs. There's your weekend in Vegas.

It's a little hypocritical since this is a CAR site.. but downgrading my car was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Now I still plan to have my dream car in the near future.. whether I'll actually get it or if it's just motivation, I don't know, and frankly I'm happy with either situation.

Remember, it's never too late to make a change.. and if not now, then when? Life's too short to let it get boring!


Time to head out for my flight to China.. ~20 hour flight + ~6 hour train ride.. yay.. :pokerface:



@the people who sent me PM's, I'll have net access on Thursday, I'll try to check in then.
Dodding around on RS is still a vice of mine :D

[spideyv2]

The worst feeling is growing up and watching your parents age :okay:

Feelsbadman

[CL typeS]

Just remember, its never too late for anything. As long as you keep moving forward, dont remain at a standstill in life

[Durrann]

The worst feeling is growing up and watching your parents age :okay:

Feelsbadman

I'm getting depressed :(

[PJ]

I was never the best at spending time with my parents, but recently I've been getting more comfortable with just hanging out with them and watching tv or cooking or whatever.

I am 100% sure I will regret it if I don't spend more time with them. What better time to start than now, right?

[46_valentinor]

man...i turned 21 5 months ago and im already feeling the pressure. i didn't go post secondary after high school, instead i just worked. seeing all my friends in their forth year of university has really put pressure on me since i just started my journey as a pilot. i feel like im already 25 and should have started my career...*sigh...

[mnash]

23 now and going thru this crap too. Feel like I need a big change

[Hondaracer]

im 25, have a good job, no debt, not tied down to a woman or a mortgage, live day to day life the way i want to, and spend time the way i want to

dont plan on having kids, getting married, etc. any time soon

live life the way i want to and not the way others think i should

feelsgoodman.jpg

[kim90jg]

people tend to think of their lives and careers in defining moments. We should not be doing this. It is not healthy because when a "moment" comes or doesnt come we may or may not be immensely disappointed. You have to appreciate the journey as much as the destination :) Dont worry be happy. There is always something to be thankful for.

First post Hello All!

[LiquidTurbo]

23 now and going thru this crap too. Feel like I need a big change

Go travel.

[PJ]

Travelling's always quite the eye opener. You realize how much more there is to see and do out there..

[rsx]

fucking jerks, i'm 28; you guys make me feel like an old cunt.

Travelling is awesome, if you can scrounge up some money, definitely the best way to just see what else is out there.

[dat_steve]

I'm 23 and when asked how old i was the other day, honest-to-God, i had to take a second to think about it. my routine of work/school (designation)/extra work has me on cruise control right now until the next year or so. it's so mundane that i time goes by so quickly. sucksballsman

[neggo]

^ Last time I was asked, automatically I said I was 21. Then I had to correct myself and say I was actually 23...

It's pretty crazy. I've essentially lived my entire life here in the GVRD and time flies just like that...I am no longer a teenager.

I am by no means "old" but I can certainly see myself falling into a quarter-life crisis in the future if I don't do anything about it. I feel too comfortable and content. My life is routine situated within an environment that I feel permanently attached to. This "settling", I think, is something that can rot someone if they haven't done something to take themselves out of their comfort zone...

Now is the best time to break routine and escape mundaneness.

[quasi]

Until you have kids you can do whatever the hell you want. When they come it does change everything. I don't love my job by any means but it pay's the bills. I try and get some material things that give me enjoyment but I'm not the most outgoing person either. At the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is my family. I went through some hardships in 2011 so that was a bit of an eyeopener and reminded me what really matters.

In your early 20's, no real responsibility you honestly have nothing to worry about. Thinking back to those days it's kind of funny because what you thought was tough back then was so easy. At the end of the day you really didn't have anything holding you back.

[gdoh]

I have been feeling like this for some time now but have been trying to curve my thought and change how I see things, and it is finally starting to work after two years (recently turned 23) and the thing that really did for me oddly enough was the video below especially his beginning words, I don't know why, maybe it was just an accumulation of things but now I feel much happier on the inside than ever before. If your feeling this way you should just try on thinking positive, put a smile on even if its fake because eventually it will become sincere and your outlook on life will be better. Also get out and do things you would never do and not with people who aren't going to bitch and complain

Zyzz - The Legacy - YouTube

[TOS'd]

I can check off most of that list..

http://i.imgur.com/RW2ct.png

[mnash]

^ Last time I was asked, automatically I said I was 21. Then I had to correct myself and say I was actually 23...
Now is the best time to break routine and escape mundaneness.

I said "21" a few times too ((( As for comfort zone and breaking routine you are 100% right imo, that's why I'm taking my motorcycle test tomo and going to Forces Recruitment Centre after. Talk about changes haha

[westopher]

I can check off that entire list:tears:
However, today I just quit my job, that has absolutely been destroying my mental health. I certainly did not have the money to do it, but by the end of the day I have 3 interviews this weekend and a trial shift tomorrow. That put some fucking jump in my step.

[quasi]

I said "21" a few times too ((( As for comfort zone and breaking routine you are 100% right imo, that's why I'm taking my motorcycle test tomo and going to Forces Recruitment Centre after. Talk about changes haha

Riding is great, one of my vices I got back into this year.

[Glove]

fuck why did I read this thread, im so depressed now.

I think all the things on that list get hit with a reset button once you have a kid,

then none of it matters, the only thing that matters is raising your kid properly, and you get to live through your childs happiness.

but we are having kids later and later now, so we get more and more fucked in the head.

thank BC's/Canada's government for that shit

[Hondaracer]

or dont have kids..

[dboy]

Just turned 20, unemployed, not in post secondary. Seeing my friends halfway through college already and thinking to myself if I started right after I graduated I would be halfway done too.

It's been 2 years since I graduated and I still don't know if I want to go to school. Don't know what to take. Time flies.

No idea what I'm doing anymore.

[PJ]

^
There's a Chinese proverb..
"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

If you missed an opportunity, but still planning to make a change "someday".. what better time than now?

[sdubfid]

^
There's a Chinese proverb..
"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

If you missed an opportunity, but still planning to make a change "someday".. what better time than now?

I turn 26 in a week and am going back to school in sept after working the past 8 years. Feels like starting from square one again but it will be worth it in the long run.

I've been telling myself I want to travel somewhere for years but just kept working and saving. What will I remember more? Airlockers etc for my 4x4 or a trip to paris, venice, rome, valencia, f1 race, portugal and bermuda?

Just bought a ticket to europe and a ticket for the f1 race in spain.

[bcrdukes]

I turn 26 in a week and am going back to school in sept after working the past 8 years. Feels like starting from square one again but it will be worth it in the long run.

This will be a refreshing experience. Not only will you go back with a fresh slate, you probably will feel much more wiser and be able to ask more questions requiring deeper thought.

I went back to school just last year after a 2 year haitus. It was a great feeling.

Just bought a ticket to europe and a ticket for the f1 race in spain.

Lucky bastard.

[PJ]

I turn 26 in a week and am going back to school in sept after working the past 8 years. Feels like starting from square one again but it will be worth it in the long run.

I've been telling myself I want to travel somewhere for years but just kept working and saving. What will I remember more? Airlockers etc for my 4x4 or a trip to paris, venice, rome, valencia, f1 race, portugal and bermuda?

Just bought a ticket to europe and a ticket for the f1 race in spain.

Just, wow. Reading this made me very happy. Good on you, man.

Not many people are able to take that leap and make a change. Whether it's to go back to school, take a fulfilling trip, whatever.

I know I keep stressing this point, but when it comes to these changes, keep asking yourself, if not now, then when? The money will fall into place, there's always options. Loans, selling, downgrading, and so on. What's the worst that can happen? You drive a cheaper car? You have to take the bus? You stop hitting the bars every week?

People make all these excuses as to why they can't make a change that they've been wanting to make. Of all the people I've helped get off their ass, not one of them had a legit excuse.

[dboy]

I turn 26 in a week and am going back to school in sept after working the past 8 years. Feels like starting from square one again but it will be worth it in the long run.

I've been telling myself I want to travel somewhere for years but just kept working and saving. What will I remember more? Airlockers etc for my 4x4 or a trip to paris, venice, rome, valencia, f1 race, portugal and bermuda?

Just bought a ticket to europe and a ticket for the f1 race in spain.

A wise man once told me in 20 years, you will pat yourself on the back and thank yourself for getting a degree.

[sdubfid]

I know I keep stressing this point, but when it comes to these changes, keep asking yourself, if not now, then when?

You hit the nail on the head there.
http://applechaz.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Are-You-Happy.jpg

A wise man once told me in 20 years, you will pat yourself on the back and thank yourself for getting a degree.

That's what I've heard. The math shows it too. I calculated time spent in school vs time spent working over 30 years and $5 per hour extra over average journeyman rates would offset the time in school for a degree. A VERY reachable amount.

[AWDTurboLuvr]

I went through that phase when I was in my mid-20s. I was making good money, career was good and I just basically had fun, but didn't do anything really fulfilling. I mean, I got to buy some nice things, had a good car, but none of that meant anything at the end of the day. That lead to some of those feelings the OP listed.

I decided that whatever I wanted to do, but was always afraid or hesitant to try it, just jump in with both feet. I never got a chance to play hockey, so I bought some equipment, joined a team and didn't look back. I've met so many great friends, had fun and even networked with people in the same industry while drinking beers in the locker room. To think if I never said to myself "What the hell, why not?" , I could've still been wondering what it would be like to skate and play hockey. Apply this to any skill or hobby you've wanted to try, you'd be great at so many things in no time.

However, my biggest eye-opening experience was to finally travel. My family didn't travel much when we were kids and I never thought much of it until I realized instead of always wondering what those places were like, why not actually go an experience it? Now, there's the usual thing like enjoying new cultures, meeting new people, etc. However, the most rewarding thing about travelling, is that you get to know yourself much better, especially when you travel alone and pack lightly. I realized, I didn't need too many things to be happy and if you're shy, you get over it pretty quick when you need to ask strangers for help and directions.

The below link will list off a few cool effects of travelling, but the last one is the most important one.

20 Reasons Why Travel Is More Than Just A Vacation | Greenster Inc. (http://www.greenster.com/magazine/20-reasons-why-travel-is-more-than-just-a-holiday/)

[neggo]

I finally decided to commit and take steps towards leaving my comfort zone, along with a home and a family I've been with my entire life. I sent in an application to Japan to teach English last week and heard back from the company today, with them inviting me to an interview next month. I was happy, but my parents were less than thrilled.

I understand that they are worried about their youngest going to a country that had a devastating natural disaster not so long ago, but I feel as though, at my age, this is an opportune chance to develop as an individual independently. This is something I can't do when I'm older and settled in with a career. If I settle, I'm afraid I'd fall into the void of "what ifs".

My parents are pissed, but what can I do?

[PJ]

My parents are pissed, but what can I do?

Talk it over with them. Remember, ultimately, it's your life.

I'm gonna have a chat with my parents soon too. Don't get me wrong, I'll always be thankful for everything my parents have done for me, but there comes a time when you have to go your own way. My parents are going to flip when I quit my engineering job.

Our parents are used to working hard, day after day, just to put food on the table. Again, we're very lucky to have them. That perspective of life is just not how it is here. Not saying it's easy. But there's tons of opportunities here in Canada. What's the point of having all these options available if we're just going to stick to the old ways of life?

A lot of parents don't understand that times have changed. It's pretty hard to get to the "worst case scenario." Now there's back up plans for back up plans for back up plans. Even for people with no back up plans, there's a back up plan somewhere. Unless you're addicted to drugs and have zero drive to make something of yourself, it's pretty hard to hit rock bottom these days.

Sit down with your parents and have a talk about your goals in life, as well as future plans, plan B's, and so on. It's a talk worth having.

[neggo]

Thanks for that. Glad to know I'm not only one facing old fashioned parents.

But it is because they are old fashioned that they do not understand where I am coming from. I explain to them that leaving is something I need to do but all they really reply back with is how dangerous Japan is. Basically, I tell them that going abroad would give me some great experience but all they reply back with is the fact that I'd only get the experience of dying from an earthquake if I were to go there, lol. My older brother and I had a talk with them earlier but they don't want to understand. I think, though, that it will definitely get better in time. They might just need some time to realize that I need to leave. It's not like I'm guaranteed to leave, anyway...there is still an interview.

Hope you find some luck with your parents, too.

[mnash]

However, the most rewarding thing about travelling, is that you get to know yourself much better, especially when you travel alone and pack lightly.

Did that last year. 6000km roadtrip. Van - Vegas - LA - PCH to San Fran - Van. No maps, no GPS, no co-pilots. Nothing. Just me, car, backpack. Sure I got lost in Nevada desert a few times, had a few close calls in LA but it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Too bad those fresh impressions didn't last too long , with daily routine here. Planning to do something this summer too, maybe take a train to New York or Miami )

[Teh Doucher]

Did that last year. 6000km roadtrip. Van - Vegas - LA - PCH to San Fran - Van. No maps, no GPS, no co-pilots. Nothing. Just me, car, backpack. Sure I got lost in Nevada desert a few times, had a few close calls in LA but it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Too bad those fresh impressions didn't last too long , with daily routine here. Planning to do something this summer too, maybe take a train to New York or Miami )

how long did it take you to finish that 6000km road trip?

[CorneringArtist]

"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen".

I've had that line from a song echo every time I try to dig myself out of the jam I'm in. I just turned 20, and I've fallen into the routine described earlier in the thread. Wake up - Work - Dinner - Computer/Video Games - Sleep - Repeat until day off or Sunday. I chose to work straight out of high school as a mechanic. Despite having to go back to school for further apprentice training, that only delays the routine for six weeks. With my schedule, I feel like I've been in the same place on a personal level since I started working; on a material level sure, the money I make let me finance a new car with more than enough to save some, but what's the point if I'm finding life boring? Compound that with the fact I've never been in a relationship ever, or haven't seen any of my friends in almost a year (they're all uni students, but point aside), and it's a damn lonely one too.

In short, I have time for nothing because of my job, and because of my low seniority, I can't make time to do anything, and it's causing me to hit emotional lows constantly when I ask myself questions in my head. I really want to go to Europe or Japan for the cultural experience, but like I said, I have the money for it, but I doubt I can get time off for it.

[PJ]

Make up some excuse as to why you have to be away from work for 2-3 weeks.

I assume you're still living at home.. so your worst case scenario is.. you get fired, you take your trip, you come back and find another job and live at home.. which is what you're already doing.

Excuse me if I'm being presumptuous, but it doesn't seem like you're happy with your routine. If you're not happy now, an extra $5-10 an hour sometime down the road when you're fully licensed isn't going to make you any happier. Trust me. I've been there. As an engineer, I doubled my pay, and still don't feel any more fulfillment at a job I spend 40 hours a week at.

Might be time for you to take that trip and go back to school.

[mnash]

how long did it take you to finish that 6000km road trip?

7 Days flat. Rushed a bit imo, did most of the driving at night with some small breaks. Should dedicate 12 days for a trip like that.

[melloman]

@CorneringArtist: If you want an excuse, that no one would hassle you about, to give u roughly 4 weeks of vacation. Tell your work a close relative has died, and you need time to mourn. If they ask why so much time, say they are in another part of the world, takes time to fly and everything.

[46_valentinor]

http://bornstoryteller.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/the-holstee-manifesto.jpg
i was in the exact same shoe as you guys a year ago, until i met my ex girl friend. i was so madly in love with her that i decided to go to korea 430am in the morning after having an argument with her. 6am rolls along, i went to work and told my manager i need a week off for personal issue immediately and 2 hours later i was at the airport getting my ticket. i arrived in korea, not knowing ANYTHING because it was my first time actually traveling and surprised the crap out of my ex. if i didn't meet her, i would still be living my old boring life, she opened my eyes to all the possibilities outside our little box we call vancouver. was my decision to go korea a stupid one? i think it was totally worth it, i created a priceless memory that i will remember for the rest of my life, met people from around the world and shared our own perspective on life!

don't let work take over you, why work for money when you can't enjoy it. you're still young, you can take the risks, financial impact, if you lose your job. at the end of the day, ITS YOUR LIFE. don't let people control you and ruin you.

[Spartacus]

:okay:

[CorneringArtist]

As much as I want to make up an excuse, I could never make up an excuse THAT bold. I try my best to be straight up with people, but lying my way into a vacation is both risky for me financially despite living at home, and throws the other apprentices I work with under the bus by overloading them if I leave. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of the status quo, and really there's nothing I can do about it.

Spoiler here for serious issue (please PM if you would like to address it).
I'm going to be perfectly honest, and say that if things stay the way they are now, especially the part where I've never been in a relationship, by the time I turn 30, I have strong feelings of committing suicide as by that point it would feel like I completely wasted my life. It's a morbid thought, but I'd rather die young having lived an unfulfilled life than suffer well into old age.

[PJ]

I try my best to be straight up with people, but lying my way into a vacation is both risky for me financially despite living at home, and throws the other apprentices I work with under the bus by overloading them if I leave. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of the status quo, and really there's nothing I can do about it.


Regarding money, there's always options. Do you drive? Do you have any loans? Savings? You mentioned in your previous post you could afford a trip. But regardless, unless you have lots holding you down, (which you shouldn't, seeing as you still live with your parents) there's no excuse. You're either hoarding money and never spending it, or you're too worried about buying stuff that's not going to matter 5 years from now. Few of my friends work at a grocery store for minimum wage, and they were still able to go on a long trip around Asia.

You need to stop thinking about other people and start thinking about yourself first. It's your life. Lets say one of them gets a job offer for 4x the pay. You think he's going to stick around just because it's more work for the rest of you?

If you're not happy, there's always something you can do about it. It's just up to you to do it. If you want a change, you have to make a change.

[bloodmack]

I was like this just a few months ago, but then something snapped in me and i decided to do something about it. I've been living on almost nothing for the past year, watching my buddies make the big bucks slowly started to inspire me to try living again. I went straight to college after i graduated from HS and I think it was probably the worst decision I've ever made. Now that I've grown up a bit more I find college to be a lot more valuable than when i went right out of HS. I seem to be more attentive and caring about what I get out of the program. What keeps me happy is knowing that when I finish in October I can find a career, not a job, but a career. People who say money doesn't buy happiness, have never experienced money. I think the best thing for anyone whose in this situation is to not be envious of others around you, but to be inspired.

[sdubfid]

As much as I want to make up an excuse, I could never make up an excuse THAT bold. I try my best to be straight up with people, but lying my way into a vacation is both risky for me financially despite living at home, and throws the other apprentices I work with under the bus by overloading them if I leave. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of the status quo, and really there's nothing I can do about it.

Spoiler here for serious issue (please PM if you would like to address it).
I'm going to be perfectly honest, and say that if things stay the way they are now, especially the part where I've never been in a relationship, by the time I turn 30, I have strong feelings of committing suicide as by that point it would feel like I completely wasted my life. It's a morbid thought, but I'd rather die young having lived an unfulfilled life than suffer well into old age.

Ask your boss for the time off and tell him the reason straight up. You are human not a machine. You are probably a hard worker since you care about your co-workers. If you boss won't give you the time off then you are not valued and should start looking for other jobs. How is it any different if you were in a car accident and were off for a month. Your co-workers won't hate you.

I booked my tickets first. Came in the next morning and told my boss I won't be here for 3 weeks in june. He said no problem, didn't even ask for a reason. Whats the worst that will happen? Lose your job?

[BaoTurbo]

Most of the stuff on that list I was going through already when I was 19. I grew up is a Chinese conservative view family yet I am a true CBC. I have chinese values as well, but I also have western culture in me. It bugs me every single time my parents tell me "why are you so useless, not being able to go into university". I have been called useless, piece of shit, idiot, lazy, smart, no one will hire you, no university will accept you, no one will be with you by my parents or relatives throughout my teen years.

I resulted in smoking to relieve stress. Not a lot but about from a pack every 3 months, to 1 a day now. Nothing much, but my parents object it very much; I could care less. There were a lot of times when I felt so stranded and lost in this world, like nothing really belongs to me and everyone in the world turned their back on me. From grade 8-12, I had a password on my computer so my parents could monitor and control my usage to a point where I had 1 hour approx usage a day. It wasn't until after grade 12 i figured out I could hack my own computer by using the time I have on it searching on Google. So I did and they stopped after that, resulting in even more arguements and battles to a point where I was thrown out almost.

As we grow older as well we tend to have less friends. My group of high school friends were the ones I had left after I graduated and also most of us had each other, but their mentality is still in high school. 4/5 friends are in Langara including me and then it was all guys as well. No problem there, but when there's absolutely nothing to talk about, it was time to find stuff to shit on each other to stir things up. Things were made up and many laughs were had but we basically made laughing stocks of each other just for that night to survive. It was stupid.

I have an older mentality and I see things pretty far. I like talking to adults and having friends older than me because they have much more knowledge and things to talk about other than a bunch of friends from high school that never left high school. I have a girlfriend now which made things better but that was the only thing that made my life great. It was because my girlfriend was someone I can actually call my own and my very first at age 20.

Jobless now as well going to university after I transferred I really wonder if I should really stay and pull through or quit like the many others around me. Sometimes I really wish I had a group of older trustworthy friends around me I can grab a coffee with anytime anyday and talk about whatever we want to get off our chest. So much I could talk about over a coffee and a smoke. Too bad that day has yet to come....

[Djiban]

I am experiencing everything that is on the list at the moment. FML.

[46_valentinor]

Most of the stuff on that list I was going through already when I was 19. I grew up is a Chinese conservative view family yet I am a true CBC. I have chinese values as well, but I also have western culture in me. It bugs me every single time my parents tell me "why are you so useless, not being able to go into university". I have been called useless, piece of shit, idiot, lazy, smart, no one will hire you, no university will accept you, no one will be with you by my parents or relatives throughout my teen years.

I resulted in smoking to relieve stress. Not a lot but about from a pack every 3 months, to 1 a day now. Nothing much, but my parents object it very much; I could care less. There were a lot of times when I felt so stranded and lost in this world, like nothing really belongs to me and everyone in the world turned their back on me. From grade 8-12, I had a password on my computer so my parents could monitor and control my usage to a point where I had 1 hour approx usage a day. It wasn't until after grade 12 i figured out I could hack my own computer by using the time I have on it searching on Google. So I did and they stopped after that, resulting in even more arguements and battles to a point where I was thrown out almost.

As we grow older as well we tend to have less friends. My group of high school friends were the ones I had left after I graduated and also most of us had each other, but their mentality is still in high school. 4/5 friends are in Langara including me and then it was all guys as well. No problem there, but when there's absolutely nothing to talk about, it was time to find stuff to shit on each other to stir things up. Things were made up and many laughs were had but we basically made laughing stocks of each other just for that night to survive. It was stupid.

I have an older mentality and I see things pretty far. I like talking to adults and having friends older than me because they have much more knowledge and things to talk about other than a bunch of friends from high school that never left high school. I have a girlfriend now which made things better but that was the only thing that made my life great. It was because my girlfriend was someone I can actually call my own and my very first at age 20.

Jobless now as well going to university after I transferred I really wonder if I should really stay and pull through or quit like the many others around me. Sometimes I really wish I had a group of older trustworthy friends around me I can grab a coffee with anytime anyday and talk about whatever we want to get off our chest. So much I could talk about over a coffee and a smoke. Too bad that day has yet to come....

i've been through exactly what you have been though but just not as severe regarding the family part. my mother use to always go back to hong kong and say there for a couple of months to a year when i was approx grade 5-7ish. it was at that time that i basically marked my territory at home, showed people i was independent. my parents understood that and let me be but i can guarantee that my aunts and uncles look down on me. they even told their kids that im a bad boy because I RIDE A MOTORCYCLE!!!! told them they shouldn't communicate with me because im a bad example.
my parents love me, i know that, but deep down i don't feel like im at home when im at home. and because i lost all friends in one night, vancouver itself doesn't feel like home anymore.

if you ever need someone to talk to, give me a shout!

[Hondaracer]

no offense but alot of you people seem to just strive to live up to expecations of others rather than live the life you want to live

and travelling within Canada/US doesnt really do much to show you how "the world" is, although i'm sure it is an enlightening experiance for people who have done little travelling, there are much better people in this world than north americans.

[PJ]

no offense but alot of you people seem to just strive to live up to expecations of others rather than live the life you want to live

and travelling within Canada/US doesnt really do much to show you how "the world" is, although i'm sure it is an enlightening experiance for people who have done little travelling, there are much better people in this world than north americans.

Depends what the "life you want to live" is.
If you're happy with your job, relationships, schedule of life experiences, and so on, all the more power to you.

"Quarter-life crisis" is a depression people get, when they feel like they haven't accomplished enough at their age (in this case.. usually twenties-ish), or their quality of life is not what they hoped it would turn out as. We're just trying to be supportive here.

I don't think anyone considered travelling Canada/US to be travelling "the world"...

[Hondaracer]

at 30 you have alot of time to change your situation, it's pretty bleak to be looking at it with such a negative attitude regardless imo

[Tapioca]

Having just turned 30, here are some thoughts:

- Have fun, but pay attention to your health and fitness in your 20s. At about 26-28, your metabolism starts to slow down. It amazes me how many people who drink, smoke, and party too much look like utter shit 5-7 years my junior.
- Many of you will start to lose hair. Don't be afraid of baldness - start shaving your head instead.
- Take advantage of your university/college years because once you start working, your opportunities to meet people greatly diminish.
- Travel.
- Date women and try to date lots of them. Date women outside of your comfort zone and have fun with them. Some of my more conservative friends didn't date around much in their 20s and now at the age of 30, the majority of the good women are gone.
- Don't bother investing in real estate. You should be mobile in your 20s.
- Move out and live the life of a bachelor: find a place down in the West End, Yaletown, etc. There's not a better time in life to enjoy this lifestyle.
- Prepare to lose friends due to no fault of your own. People grow apart - it's just a fact of life.
- And finally, spend your 20s learning how to be a man and a true gentleman. You'd be surprised how many man-children there are in this city.

[PJ]

at 30 you have alot of time to change your situation, it's pretty bleak to be looking at it with such a negative attitude regardless imo

Depends on what your plans were. Some people planned on being married before 30, having kids, buying a house, whatever. It's just the realization that their lives are not where they hoped it would be.

It's not a negative attitude by choice, it's a type of depression.

Of course there's always time. That's why we're trying to get people to wrap their heads around the realization that if they want to do something, do it now.


1. Don't bother investing in real estate. You should be mobile in your 20s.
- Move out and live the life of a bachelor: find a place down in the West End, Yaletown, etc. There's not a better time in life to enjoy this lifestyle.

2. Prepare to lose friends due to no fault of your own. People grow apart - it's just a fact of life.

3. And finally, spend your 20s learning how to be a man and a true gentleman. You'd be surprised how many man-children there are in this city.

Completely agree with Tapioca.

1. One of my family friends has always dreamt of living in a bachelor pad/studio/loft, whatever in Yaletown/downtown. He got so caught up with "never rent, only buy" that he never got to experience that true urban lifestyle.

Now he's 32, married, with a kid on the way, living in an average Vancouver special. He's still planning on maybe renting one with his wife and kid in the future, but obviously it won't be the same.

His advice to me was "Enjoy your youth. Don't worry too much about being a grown adult. There's plenty of time for that when your youth is over."

2. I'm in my early 20's and have already experienced this. I had maybe around 15 people who I considered my close friends. Now I'm down to about maybe a handful.

3. Man-children.. This made me :lawl: LOL. But it's absolutely true.

[dachinesedude]

out of this whole ordeal, the worst is having the feeling of "is that it?"

having life on cruise control is driving me crazy believe it or not, i had waaaay better mood when i was still in university with 2 part time jobs and tons of debt, life was just different, i loved the feel of not knowing what to expect the next day

getting advice from the family sux too, i was called an idiot for wanting to quit my job and move to asia, lol i mean i know where they are coming from, finding a good job is hard these days, but its still something im strongly considering

travelling is great no doubt, i do it a lot, but you will have to get back to reality eventually, that first day back from a 2 week vacation, worst feeling ever! to me travelling is just a band aid to temporarily cover up your miserable life, the underlying problem is still there

im a quarter thru that "4 hour work week" book, interesting stuff, def caters to entrepreneurs, does have me thinking of that route though, hmm now what to preneur...

or maybe i'm just complaining too much, #firstworldproblems

[Tapioca]

Another point I would add is that if you get caught up in comparing yourself to others around you, chances are that person or group of people are dealing with the same types of questions as you and live lives that are just as full of drama. You have to get past the front that people put up.

I would apply theories in physics (conservation of energy, relativity, etc) to life in general. If someone appears to have it all, chances are that they really don't. A person could be making good money, but have health conditions, or issues in his family. Or a person could spend of his spare time travelling, but it's really just a means for him to escape something nagging him at home. Or a person could be the director of various organizations, but have trouble actually maintaining genuine friendships. There are people who manage to do it all, but these people are anomalies, particularly if they're in their 20s.

[PJ]

or maybe i'm just complaining too much, #firstworldproblems

Sometimes I think about this too. "Maybe I'm just whining. I should be happy I have food and shelter, let alone a car and a high paying job."

But remember - ultimately, it's your life. If you're not happy, you're not happy. Doesn't matter why. It's how you got the "quarter-life crisis" in the first place. No one but yourself has the right to judge what makes you happy.

I know lots of people who quit their 6 figure unfulfilling jobs for a lower paying job that they actually enjoy. Or quit their jobs because of sabbatical requests that got declined, and took a year-long trip around the world.

You only live once, and you're only going to remember the things you did do, not the things you didn't. So if you want to do something, find a way, and go do it.

[wyuzz]

Wow this thread pretty much nails the coffin for me with i can check at least 85% off the OP posted. I turned 25 five months ago where i am currently working at a seasonal job where i dont see myself advancing anytime soon. You can say I'm pretty lucky considered myself being employed compared to a few of my friends that are still desperately searching for a job. But working two part time seasonal jobs plus a part time retail job last year, I only managed to make a little over 25k and this is coming from a recent college grad. Sometimes I wondered if I'm in the right field and that spending three years in college was a bad idea.

Despite the shitty feel I get from time to time, I always try to find ways to make myself more productive (happy?) by join classes such as muay thai and bbj since im a big fan mma. Another method I find to help is traveling, like others mentioned traveling especially to a country where you don't speak the national language. I went to Cuba for a week and I had a blast since it was my first time there, all the anxiety and worries were gone. It was also a challenge to start conversations and pick up chicks at the local club especially when they speak little to no english at all so i had to use my translator app on my phone which gave them a chuckle. Damn I think i need a beer now...

/end rant

A some what related article: 11 things you need to know at or by 25 (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/25956-11-things-to-know-at-25ish)

[bcrdukes]

Just had dinner with an old friend 2 hours ago.

Said friend worked at a high tech firm (you use their products) making $200k/year. Tried to take his own life 4 times over the past 7 years. Owned almost every recent model M car and had a kick ass Yaletown condo.

Sold everything, moved back with his parents, quit his job and is now working with children who have mental and physical disabilities for $35k/year. Hasn't been happier in his life.

Who knew, eh? :)

[Ri2]

I'm in my early 20's. My friends range from a few years younger to many years older. I'm used to hanging around an older crowd, that being said, I have seen many of my friends go through this. A lot of them were in long term relationships (6+ years and some were engaged). It was highly unfortunate that for some of them, it affected their relationships in ways that caused breaking off engagements and losing people that they've had in their life for so many years.

I have a certain viewpoint on this. I noticed that my friends that this happened to were stuck in a routine. Their job, everyday schedule, even relationships had routine to them. They were comfortable and thought "this is my life." They make good money, they have good education and own their own places. They have decent cars that get them from A to B and can afford insurance and maintenance and still live quite comfortably. They always felt that something was missing, but could never pinpoint what exactly it was. Also something that they have in common, they have passions for things that they didn't pursue due to financial influences. Usually these are artistic things, a majority of my friends are highly visual individuals (art, drawing, designing, etc.) or even something like travelling. I think it's because we live in a society where money rules everything. The mentality is that if you're at a job that you love but is financially difficult for you, you're urged by others (verbally or nonverbally) that you should pursue another job where financial stability is more realistic. When we were young, we had dreams like being a doctor, astronaut, painter or writer. We tend to forget these dreams if they are not within our realistic financial spectrum.

My sister, for example, is amazing with visual projects, like she puts in work hard and it turns out incredibly well. She couldn't afford to go to college because she got married to my bro when she was 23. In our culture anyway, if you're a female and not a nurse, you ain't doin shit with your life. She started at her last job as a data entry clerk and because of her ability, she kept pitching ideas to her manager until she was able to create her own position with the company doing what she loves. Even doing this, she was feeling unfulfilled, but the job paid the bills. My brother does what he loves, working 2 jobs to pay the bills but it's something he's passionate about for the time being. She ended up going to a women's seminar in LA for 3 days and it literally changed her life. She gathered up the courage to quit her job and saved just enough money to give herself time to really explore her passions. Now she's involved with 2 AMAZING women's organizations that came at exactly the right time for her. We believe that it has to do with her choices, she opened up her mind and thus, her world to a place of opportunities and success and attracted that energy towards her and received it. If she was still stuck with her previous company, she says that she would still be at square 1, lacking purpose and drive in her life. Her and my brothers marriage has been the best that it has because they constantly support one another to pursue what they want.

People chase money and mistake it for a form of happiness. But then, they get so caught up in the chase, that they forget what living is really about. They do a job because it serves them well financially but their fire/passion/spark dims with each year...until eventually it just burns out. Our beliefs form our reality, especially about money. If we view it as an obstacle for our happiness then it becomes a roadblock that over the years with the expenses of daily living grows and grows until it creates a shadow on your life. That being said, if you believe that money is what's stopping you from being happy, NO amount of money will ever make you feel content because that will be the limitation that you have created for yourself. In other words, you'll always be chasing that unicorn, hoping for a better picture to show off to your friends, if that makes any sense.

I find that our quarter life crisis or even mid life crisis. is a way of your body finally releasing the negative reactions that your (at the time) seemingly well decisions have induced. Your body, mind, spirit/soul, is reminding you "hey buddy, there's a whole world out there, why aren't you out experiencing it?" They are turning points of your life, meant to be chances to reevaluate your situation and become aware of areas for personal development. Your life is meant to be one of constant creation and change. We all have our individual talents and strengths for a reason. We shouldn't feel shame towards are weaknesses' and instead feel grateful for the opportunity to hone our skills and create more strengths for ourselves. We're faced with so many negative messages (daily news being the #1 offender) that we don't notice that our mindset is changed and influenced everyday. If you REALLY listen to the thoughts that run through your head everyday, what's the ratio of positive to negative thoughts? Is there at least one thing in your life that happens everyday that you are GENUINELY happy about?

Meditation is based on the notion that "thinking" is a manifestation of our Ego. Our Ego is the false self. It's the part that wants and desires and finds shit to bitch about on the daily. It's similar to how a dog loves a chew toy, just wants something to work on. Our mind is meant to be a tool, used when needed then put down for periods of relaxation. It really is an art nowadays to just revel in "Being". I have periods of this, after some meditation, that no matter how shitty my life gets, I'm just in a state of bliss. I'm happy simply because I am and have no external influences (created by our Ego and therefore are false anyway). Even using words like TRY and ATTEMPT have negative connotations that people are often unaware about. These words give the opportunity for failure, failure is associated with feelings of negativity and falling behind. Be aware about how often you might say the word "try" or even "I just don't have the time", now replace it with positive phrases like "I am" and "I have time/I will make time".

Some books I would suggest:
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
The Nature of Personal Reality by Jane Roberts
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh

Personally, I love writing. It's been my biggest passion of all time, besides wanting to become a doctor. I started reading medical textbooks at a really young age. I don't have the funds to go to med school and I fucked around a lot in high school. My parents live paycheck to paycheck but somehow our family is still happy. It's hard because growing up I never had a lot of things that most people were lucky to have and I started having to work really early. I never give up on my dream of someday become a doctor and becoming an author on the side. Recently withdrew from school due to depression/anxiety, and got some help. Now I have job opportunities coming up for me in my field, in the meantime to make money for tuition to finish my nursing program. My choice to be a nurse has been my own, I've fought with my WHOLE family about this. I'm the type of person that if you're in my ear harping on about what's best for me, I can't actually figure out what's best for me. I like to learn on my own and it's usually the hard way. I am grateful for my familys' continued support, especially when I was going through a rough period, trying to assert myself as an adult and intellectual individual. My long term goal is to keep upgrading and with help from my regulatory bodies, get financial help to enter med school. My choice to become a doctor has entirely been made on the fact that I love people and I love helping people. When I was going to school, I had one of the highest GPA's in my class, simply because it was something I was truly passionate about. I'm meeting one of my favorite authors on Thursday who just happens to be a doctor/clinical professor at UBC and a writer on the side. I'm looking more into getting a lot of my written pieces published and to get involved with spiritual growth and personal development groups, hopefully as a writer. I'm putting myself out there and I've been blessed with more and more opportunities. I made the choice to acknowledge my feelings of dissatisfaction with my life(however shameful it is to admit that you have a problem and need help) and instead of waiting to "GET LUCKY", I started searching out and creating my own opportunities. I visualize success in my future on the daily and therefore, rid myself of any doubt that will hold me back. I do what it takes because I make my own luck.

If you go on meetup.com, there are multiple groups that specialize in certain interests. There are groups for physical activity, personal development and growth and appreciation for the arts. You need to surround yourself with positive, like minded people who are willing to do what it takes to succeed in their passions and thus, flourish in life. Use the resources that we are so lucky to have, internet, library, networking, etc. to BE that person that you've always wanted to be. Stop trying, start being. Discover what you really love and you WILL be successful. Same as PJ, if anyone wants to collaborate ideas on books, energy, meditation or anything, feel free to PM me :)

[PJ]

tl;dr :troll:







..
..
.
.
.
..

.
.
..
:lawl: JK

Anyways, Power of Now is a great book. It's a little broad and vague, but I guess that just leaves it open for people to apply it to whatever they want. This would probably be the next book I'd recommend after 4-Hour Work Week.

@Ri2, it sounds like you have everything on track. Good to know there's people pulling themselves out of these depressions and not just hoping it'll go away.

[Ri2]

tl;dr :troll:
:lawl: JK

Anyways, Power of Now is a great book. It's a little broad and vague, but I guess that just leaves it open for people to apply it to whatever they want. This would probably be the next book I'd recommend after 4-Hour Work Week.

@Ri2, it sounds like you have everything on track. Good to know there's people pulling themselves out of these depressions and not just hoping it'll go away.

Jerk :lawl: jk!
I'll read your first suggestion for sure.
Thanks and yup, it's definitely a process, but without phases like this, how would we ever learn anything? :) Am just grateful to see some like minded people around, it's always great to learn from one another!

[Meowjin]

I was never the best at spending time with my parents, but recently I've been getting more comfortable with just hanging out with them and watching tv or cooking or whatever.

I am 100% sure I will regret it if I don't spend more time with them. What better time to start than now, right?

Growing up I had constant anxiety because I never had a strong parental figure raising me and I lost my mother from a young age. Now that I'm older I find alot of comfort spending time with my godmother just sitting on the couch and watching tv with her.

I tell people everyday how good they have it, they just never agree with me.

With regards to this thread. It never really happened to me, because I was always blessed with great paying jobs, and I always constantly switched and joined different communities. Now that I'm getting older, i'm buckling down and trying to find a career that I feel comfertable doing for the long haul and that will allow me to take care of myself better without a constant fear of feeling "trapped".

3 years ago I decided it was enough, quit playing WoW/neckbeard games, focused more on my personal health and started looking at possible career options. At the same time I would set money aside to see the world and take a more active role in my hobbies.

Now my goals changed and Im hitting the gym hard, working full time and go to school full time. Ontop of that I network myself out to as many groups as I can.

I hang out with nerdy people some days, club douches others, play sports on the weekend.

I live by the mentality of never getting comfortable. The minute you get fucking comfortable is the minute you don't want to strive for better in your life.

I think a really important thing that people get anxious about is personal relationships. It doesn't have to be about being with a girl to share your experiences with but being with people who have different interests and don't sit at home doing nothing.

And dukes comments about setting goals is really really important. Stop comparing yourself to others, start working on your own damn life, and stop thinking like money is the end of the world.

edit: might add one more thing. most people on RS have some type of higher education and have attended Post Secondary.

They sell you a false future, a fake lifestyle and pretend that life all this rosy.

The minute someone graduates and begins to realize that you have to work a 9-5, that you won't be travelling to exotic locations (i love this one, so many programs such as conservation/business try to promote the "jets" lifestyle) and you are now working in a field that has very little advancement. This belief is pushed to us through popular media (for example, an engineer loves watching megastructures and assumes that he will work building massive buildings all over the world when the reality is he will most likely be stationed in one city his whole life).

Ever since I returned to school I can't believe how many spoiled and "generation of entitlement" kids there are.

These are the kids that usually crash the hardest.

You don't deserve a house, you don't deserve that awesome job, you don't deserve those grades, you don't deserve that hot girl, you don't deserve that meal at the resteraunt.

You DESERVE to work hard TO GET THOSE THINGS.

As for the lonliness aspect of it, that is something I battle everyday, and the best advice I can give you is get disconnected from the computer.

The people that exist behind the screen are not your real friends. You'd be suprised how much getting a cup of coffee with a friend can make you feel good about yourself.


edit: EVEN MORE

There are 2 different types of stress coping mechanisms. The reason I bring this up is because all the quarter life crisis is is unnecassary stress.

In psychology we learn that when we are faced with a problem or a stressor we deal with it in 2 ways

The one approach is "Problem Based Coping"

Essentially you are attacking the problem at the root. Example: You are not doing good in a class. You decide to talk to the teacher and ask how to improve your own grade. He offers himself to tutor you, and in return you get a better than average grade.

While not an immediate relief, these people live healthier and better lives according to my psyche book.

The other approach is "Emotion Based Coping"

Using the same Example:

You are not doing good in a class. Instead of seeking assistance to find out why you are not doing good, you console in a friend who tells you "school is hard and just try better next time". You feel slightly better and go on to fail the course with the intention of retaking the class.

THIS IS DENIAL. These people are shown to live SHORTER lives, and be more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, and be underachieved.

I think this is the longest post I've ever wrote on RS.

[Excelsis]

out of this whole ordeal, the worst is having the feeling of "is that it?"

having life on cruise control is driving me crazy believe it or not, i had waaaay better mood when i was still in university with 2 part time jobs and tons of debt, life was just different, i loved the feel of not knowing what to expect the next day

getting advice from the family sux too, i was called an idiot for wanting to quit my job and move to asia, lol i mean i know where they are coming from, finding a good job is hard these days, but its still something im strongly considering

travelling is great no doubt, i do it a lot, but you will have to get back to reality eventually, that first day back from a 2 week vacation, worst feeling ever! to me travelling is just a band aid to temporarily cover up your miserable life, the underlying problem is still there

im a quarter thru that "4 hour work week" book, interesting stuff, def caters to entrepreneurs, does have me thinking of that route though, hmm now what to preneur...

or maybe i'm just complaining too much, #firstworldproblems

Plan more goals, short term and long term

Depression and crisis is just another step towards our progression in life, if you get through something bad then at the end you're going to say "wow i went through that, now things seem so much easier", on the other hand if you're stuck in you will remain stuck unless you change.

People remain in this stage when they don't change, because if something it will either remain at that level or lower if nothing is done about it. At various points in your life you'll try to achieve things you've never done before and to get there you've got to change, that's all it is..

It's just about never stopping, once you achieve your ultimate goal you keep moving forward and staying hungry... just like video games, why are they so fun? because you have constantly new things to do and achieve, but when you max out everything it gets boring.

We live in the game of life, and really the cliche "life's what you make it" is really what it is, there's no luck involved, it's all based on our decisions and experiences.

[dinosaur]

I hit all of this around 29-ish...now I am 31 and still going through it. I rollercoaster between loving my life and hating my life. Some times I look around and I realize I have no idea what I am doing and feel that I am so trapped, I want to scream. Everyday is different, but the same. I have no real future plans and few goals that are only obtainable alone (some required an SO). I feel like I am completely lost control over everything and those feelings are so overwhelming some times it is like a punch to the gut.

My life got completely flipped inside out b/w 2008 and 2010 and I think I have yet to still process any of it as I just flipped the robot on to make it through it. I HATE HATE HATE talking about it with people as I feel like I come off as some whiny bitch who is acting selfish and needs to realize there are bigger issues in the world. I saw a shrink for 2 years during that time and felt immense guilt for taking up someone's time....and time away from anther patient who could have really used it. It DID help me understand some shit, but I mostly stopped because I did not want to feel like a whiny bitch anymore.

I get so tired of the pressure....I don't work hard enough, I don't work long enough, I didn't make the right decision, I'm not caring enough, I don't see my family enough, my house isn't clean enough, I don't have enough goals, I don't have any children, I am not married, I don't own a big house, my career isn't good enough, I don't see my friends enough....I never feel like I have accomplished "enough". I "should" be doing more....this is a big thing to me...I "should all over myself". Even now....I should be doing something else than typing out whiny sentences while feeling sorry for myself.

I guess what I am trying to say, I agree with most here....I guess we all go through it....some of us just hide it better than others.

I am hoping it goes away soon.

[PJ]

I HATE HATE HATE talking about it with people as I feel like I come off as some whiny bitch who is acting selfish and needs to realize there are bigger issues in the world.

I am hoping it goes away soon.

A lot of people look at it from the "there are bigger issues in the world" or "first world problems" perspective. Personally I think that makes us feel more guilt than happiness. The point of life is to be happy, right? So I just threw away that perspective altogether. No good comes from it. You are responsible for your own life. No one is responsible for yours, and you are not responsible for anyone else's.

Yeah, I'm grateful for everything I have. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop moving forward and striving to reach my goals. No one has the right to judge what makes you happy, or your personal goals but you. If you want a Ferrari, work towards your Ferrari. If you want to feed kids in Africa, go feed kids in Africa. Everyone's goals, motives, and pleasures are different.

And I don't mean to patronize.. but if it hasn't gone away in the last x amount of years.. what makes you think it's going to go away now? Remember, if you want a change, you have to make a change. Keep doing what you're doing, keep getting what you're getting.

[Excelsis]

Guilt isn't an emotion, it's a bunch of thoughts wired into your mind that you can't express

You have to think if it is truly your fault, is it? Or the other way around if you should be doing something and you should start doing other things

Try writing a letter to all your friends, and in that letter vent all your emotions and frustrations about your life and what's happening, write about yourself as well and think what should i be doing.. When you finish writing you can keep the letter or throw it away, what matters is, is that you go through every single one of your problems and start solving them

[dinosaur]

Honestly, it just helped barfing it all on this thread. I have never really verbalized (or typed) those thoughts before...

[Ri2]

I HATE HATE HATE talking about it with people as I feel like I come off as some whiny bitch who is acting selfish and needs to realize there are bigger issues in the world. I saw a shrink for 2 years during that time and felt immense guilt for taking up someone's time....and time away from anther patient who could have really used it. It DID help me understand some shit, but I mostly stopped because I did not want to feel like a whiny bitch anymore.

I get so tired of the pressure....I don't work hard enough, I don't work long enough, I didn't make the right decision, I'm not caring enough, I don't see my family enough, my house isn't clean enough, I don't have enough goals, I don't have any children, I am not married, I don't own a big house, my career isn't good enough, I don't see my friends enough....I never feel like I have accomplished "enough". I "should" be doing more....this is a big thing to me...I "should all over myself". Even now....I should be doing something else than typing out whiny sentences while feeling sorry for myself.



I think though that's a barrier that we face all the time, the fact that our problems aren't as big as other people's problems. While there is valid point to that, I also like to believe that everyone's problems are individualized for their own learning experience. Saying that, we shouldn't look at our problem and someone else's and go "theirs is bigger and more important than mine, so I'll just keep it under wraps."
If it wasn't really important, you wouldn't be feeling it. The shame that comes with that doesn't let us feel our emotions/hardships the way we are supposed to, inhibiting life lessons and emotional range, etc. Our version of down and out will always be different than someone else's version, we just can't control that. However, we can acknowledge our personalized version and help ourselves to work through it.
It's just a matter of controlling it within reason. I'm not saying that if people who are well off/have resources available to them and feel down should start adopting unhealthy coping habits like people who have no other options.

I just think it's just our responsibility to ourselves to not invalidate our feelings because it's harder to let it go in the future and make our peace with it if for years, we train our minds to think that there is no peace to be had in the first place. We have to be realistic. Any change that we want to evoke externally will always come within us first. If we dismiss our problems but try to help others, we won't be doing much because we wouldn't be able to give ourselves fully to the situation.

Damn Dino, I love you and you are so accomplished to me :heartsmile:

[rsx]

One of the tougher situations for Asians is having the pressure come from the Family. I used to work for a non-profit org and we were actually doing good work for the community. I visited my dad and when he introduced me to his friends and talked about what I've been up to... I can only see disappointment when he mumbled something about me working for a charity. I've never felt so put down in my entire life. I subsequently quit my job and tried to prove my dad wrong and it's been hell.

Do a good job, pursue happiness that's self-imposed, not societal or pressures from everyone else. Especially chicks. Fuck 'em. I hang out with a bunch of Asian girls and these are the keywords they use for I want a guy with loads of money: "ambitious, career-driven, long-term goal oriented" be weary.

[bcrdukes]

Honestly, it just helped barfing it all on this thread. I have never really verbalized (or typed) those thoughts before...

I just want to give you a hug (at the Stock and n00bie Meet.)

[TRDood]

I just turned 26. Things that I noticed:

- Can't study as well anymore
- Getting fat :okay:
- Brain dead after a day of work
- Can't fuck around at work compared to school
- Other priorities where I can't buy a manual sports car :okay:
- Seeing parents/grand parent age
- People around me starting to get married/have kids
- JB is starting to look too young :ohgodwhy:

[dinosaur]

I just want to give you a hug (at the Stock and n00bie Meet.)

:woot:

can i touch your butt while we hug??

[Meowjin]

One of the tougher situations for Asians is having the pressure come from the Family. I used to work for a non-profit org and we were actually doing good work for the community. I visited my dad and when he introduced me to his friends and talked about what I've been up to... I can only see disappointment when he mumbled something about me working for a charity. I've never felt so put down in my entire life. I subsequently quit my job and tried to prove my dad wrong and it's been hell.

Do a good job, pursue happiness that's self-imposed, not societal or pressures from everyone else. Especially chicks. Fuck 'em. I hang out with a bunch of Asian girls and these are the keywords they use for I want a guy with loads of money: "ambitious, career-driven, long-term goal oriented" be weary.

I don't think it's also asians. I think its anyone who has a high achieving (older) family member

[Tapioca]

One of the tougher situations for Asians is having the pressure come from the Family. I used to work for a non-profit org and we were actually doing good work for the community. I visited my dad and when he introduced me to his friends and talked about what I've been up to... I can only see disappointment when he mumbled something about me working for a charity. I've never felt so put down in my entire life. I subsequently quit my job and tried to prove my dad wrong and it's been hell.

Do a good job, pursue happiness that's self-imposed, not societal or pressures from everyone else. Especially chicks. Fuck 'em. I hang out with a bunch of Asian girls and these are the keywords they use for I want a guy with loads of money: "ambitious, career-driven, long-term goal oriented" be weary.

In North America, I think the path to success is the pursuit of your passions. If you think about the typical Asian path to success, it consists of the following:
- study hard
- become a professional - something to do with money, or medicine
- get married, have kids, and own a detached home
- take care of parents in their retirement
- rinse and repeat with the next generation

The problem with this path is that it produces people who are risk-averse, souless, and uninteresting. It's the reason why there are countless Asian men who are single in their 30s. It's the reason why Asians aren't successful in politics or in entertainment. It's the reason why you hardly see Asians rise above middle-management in corporate Canada.

Unless you plan to move to Asia, I think you really need to pursue your passions and put aside whatever your family thinks. And moreover, I would recommend that Asian guys in their 20s forget about what the typical Asian woman in her 20s wants and date other women.

Growing up, I was never quite cool enough to fit in with the popular crowd and I was a little too smart for my own good. I tried to change my core personality in order to make myself more attractive to women (of the typical Asian variety) and to other people in my 20s, but it didn't work. Now that I'm 30, I'm beginning to realize that you need to be true to yourself and your core values.

[PJ]

I just turned 26. Things that I noticed:

- Can't study as well anymore - try a change of environment? studying at the library or a coffeeshop. gives you the "I already spent half an hour getting here.. might as well make use of it" mindset

- Getting fat :okay: - Lots of daily workout routines out there that are less than 1 hr a day. How much time do you spend on the computer/watching tv? Take just 1 hour out everyday.

- Brain dead after a day of work: - Set a schedule and stick to it, so you have something to do after work and not just go home and pass out.

- Can't fuck around at work compared to school - Guess that's a given..

- Other priorities where I can't buy a manual sports car :okay: - SUV? Bike? Luxury sedan?:fullofwin:

- Seeing parents/grand parent age - Inevitable

- People around me starting to get married/have kids - Live by your own standards, not others

- JB is starting to look too young :ohgodwhy: - I know that feel bro. :okay:

:concentrate:

[dachinesedude]

jacked from another thread, but its pretty relevant for here

25 Things I’ve Learned In My 20s « Thought Catalog (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/25-things-ive-learned-in-my-twenties/)

[juude90]

Sorry to bring up a dead thread, but I just want to say thank you to all of you who have posted in this thread. You guys have definitely made an impact on my mind and how to view my life. I sincerely wish to someday achieve my dream (still haven't quite figured it out yet:okay:) and show my appreciation to all of you. Don't worry, I'm good at stalking people.

[neggo]

I finally decided to commit and take steps towards leaving my comfort zone, along with a home and a family I've been with my entire life. I sent in an application to Japan to teach English last week and heard back from the company today, with them inviting me to an interview next month. I was happy, but my parents were less than thrilled.

I understand that they are worried about their youngest going to a country that had a devastating natural disaster not so long ago, but I feel as though, at my age, this is an opportune chance to develop as an individual independently. This is something I can't do when I'm older and settled in with a career. If I settle, I'm afraid I'd fall into the void of "what ifs".

My parents are pissed, but what can I do?

This thread has been inactive for awhile but I thought I'd provide an update.

I was hired and I will be leaving for Japan in less than a month to teach. I picked up my visa yesterday and finalized my flight and all that's left is to wait for everything to sink in.

I am a mixed bag of excitement and nervousness.

[PJ]

This thread has been inactive for awhile but I thought I'd provide an update.

I was hired and I will be leaving for Japan in less than a month to teach. I picked up my visa yesterday and finalized my flight and all that's left is to wait for everything to sink in.

I am a mixed bag of excitement and nervousness.

Congrats brother!

Whatever happens, I guarantee you won't regret it, looking back.

After all, you're only gonna remember the things you DID do, not the things you didn't.

[Mr.Money]

This thread has been inactive for awhile but I thought I'd provide an update.

I was hired and I will be leaving for Japan in less than a month to teach. I picked up my visa yesterday and finalized my flight and all that's left is to wait for everything to sink in.

I am a mixed bag of excitement and nervousness.


Learn some Japanese!!....either then that..its smooth sailing in japan,most of the train ticket machines have English setting on them,just the remote ones in the middle of nowhere is jdm language only :concentrate:
don't forget,you can drink in public :fullofwin:

:suspicious: & its funny your old fashioned parents said you might die in a earth quake....Bwhaha....WTF?...Srsly?..srs??..

[Jer3]

This thread has been inactive for awhile but I thought I'd provide an update.

I was hired and I will be leaving for Japan in less than a month to teach. I picked up my visa yesterday and finalized my flight and all that's left is to wait for everything to sink in.

I am a mixed bag of excitement and nervousness.

good luck. just curious what company u joined up with? interac, aeon, berlitz, GABA? or were u one of the lucky ones that got accepted into JET

[Durrann]

I just turned 26. Things that I noticed:

- Can't study as well anymore
- Getting fat :okay:
- Brain dead after a day of work
- Can't fuck around at work compared to school
- Other priorities where I can't buy a manual sports car :okay:
- Seeing parents/grand parent age
- People around me starting to get married/have kids
- JB is starting to look too young :ohgodwhy:

I have same point of views as you shit lol

[PJ]

Just turned down a couple 6-figure job offers yesterday and today to stay on track for my bigger goals..

:concentrate:

[Gerbs]

Just turned down a couple 6-figure job offers yesterday and today to stay on track for my bigger goals..

:concentrate:

thats tough to turn down. what field of work are u in?

[Not really racist!]

Just turned down a couple 6-figure job offers yesterday and today to stay on track for my bigger goals..

:concentrate:

man.. i hope you're making the right choices

if i was ur parent i would beat u with a stick.. LOL

[PJ]

I'm in engineering

And that's exactly why I didn't tell my parents :lawl: :fuckthatshit:

I figure if I got 2 offers now, and I completely fail with all my goals, it couldn't be THAT hard to still find a decent job a few years down the road.
But what I have going on with my projects are somewhat age and time-sensitive.

Jobs will always be around, but certain opportunities only arise ever so often.

I'm not hurting for money either.. I don't make 6 figures now, but I'm comfortable. I have my realistic "dream" car, a roof over my head, and the freedom to do whatever the hell I want. So turning down these job offers were completely rational.. at least in my perspective.

[BaoTurbo]

Weren't you in recording business? But engineering major....LOL

[Not really racist!]

PJ = not a single fk was given

[PJ]

Weren't you in recording business? But engineering major....LOL

Yup I work with a record label on the side, that's one of the "side projects" I have going on that might blow up in the near future haha

[neggo]

Learn some Japanese!!....either then that..its smooth sailing in japan,most of the train ticket machines have English setting on them,just the remote ones in the middle of nowhere is jdm language only :concentrate:
don't forget,you can drink in public :fullofwin:

:suspicious: & its funny your old fashioned parents said you might die in a earth quake....Bwhaha....WTF?...Srsly?..srs??..

Parents just don't understand, hahaha.

Oh, I actually know how to speak Japanese, haha. I think that may have been one of the major reasons they hired me.

I should brush up on my kanji though since that was such a bitch to learn. :concentrate:

[neggo]

good luck. just curious what company u joined up with? interac, aeon, berlitz, GABA? or were u one of the lucky ones that got accepted into JET

I opted not to apply for JET because of their one year hiring process. Too damn long of a wait for me, haha.

I got accepted to both Interac (ALT) and iTTTi Peppy Kids Club (Eikawa) but Interac offered me a Dec or later start date, while PKC offered me an October start date.

I went with PKC because of the earlier start date and, as an eikawa, isn't as bad as the others where your salary depends on how many students you have in your class. Plus, classes are in the afternoons so it's much better for me.

[SiRV]

Hopefully not all of you will TLDR this, I found it to be a pretty good read, hopefully it helps put things into perspective a little bit for some people out there.

How Will You Measure Your Life?
by Clayton M. Christensen How Will You Measure Your Life? - Harvard Business Review (http://hbr.org/2010/07/how-will-you-measure-your-life/ar/1)

Editor’s Note: When the members of the class of 2010 entered business school, the economy was strong and their post-graduation ambitions could be limitless. Just a few weeks later, the economy went into a tailspin. They’ve spent the past two years recalibrating their worldview and their definition of success.
The students seem highly aware of how the world has changed (as the sampling of views in this article shows). In the spring, Harvard Business School’s graduating class asked HBS professor Clay Christensen to address them—but not on how to apply his principles and thinking to their post-HBS careers. The students wanted to know how to apply them to their personal lives. He shared with them a set of guidelines that have helped him find meaning in his own life. Though Christensen’s thinking comes from his deep religious faith, we believe that these are strategies anyone can use. And so we asked him to share them with the readers of HBR. To learn more about Christensen’s work, visit his HBR Author Page.
Before I published The Innovator’s Dilemma, I got a call from Andrew Grove, then the chairman of Intel. He had read one of my early papers about disruptive technology, and he asked if I could talk to his direct reports and explain my research and what it implied for Intel. Excited, I flew to Silicon Valley and showed up at the appointed time, only to have Grove say, “Look, stuff has happened. We have only 10 minutes for you. Tell us what your model of disruption means for Intel.” I said that I couldn’t—that I needed a full 30 minutes to explain the model, because only with it as context would any comments about Intel make sense. Ten minutes into my explanation, Grove interrupted: “Look, I’ve got your model. Just tell us what it means for Intel.”
I insisted that I needed 10 more minutes to describe how the process of disruption had worked its way through a very different industry, steel, so that he and his team could understand how disruption worked. I told the story of how Nucor and other steel minimills had begun by attacking the lowest end of the market—steel reinforcing bars, or rebar—and later moved up toward the high end, undercutting the traditional steel mills.
When I finished the minimill story, Grove said, “OK, I get it. What it means for Intel is...,” and then went on to articulate what would become the company’s strategy for going to the bottom of the market to launch the Celeron processor.
I’ve thought about that a million times since. If I had been suckered into telling Andy Grove what he should think about the microprocessor business, I’d have been killed. But instead of telling him what to think, I taught him how to think—and then he reached what I felt was the correct decision on his own.
That experience had a profound influence on me. When people ask what I think they should do, I rarely answer their question directly. Instead, I run the question aloud through one of my models. I’ll describe how the process in the model worked its way through an industry quite different from their own. And then, more often than not, they’ll say, “OK, I get it.” And they’ll answer their own question more insightfully than I could have.
My class at HBS is structured to help my students understand what good management theory is and how it is built. To that backbone I attach different models or theories that help students think about the various dimensions of a general manager’s job in stimulating innovation and growth. In each session we look at one company through the lenses of those theories—using them to explain how the company got into its situation and to examine what managerial actions will yield the needed results.
On the last day of class, I ask my students to turn those theoretical lenses on themselves, to find cogent answers to three questions: First, how can I be sure that I’ll be happy in my career? Second, how can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness? Third, how can I be sure I’ll stay out of jail? Though the last question sounds lighthearted, it’s not. Two of the 32 people in my Rhodes scholar class spent time in jail. Jeff Skilling of Enron fame was a classmate of mine at HBS. These were good guys—but something in their lives sent them off in the wrong direction.
The Class of 2010
As the students discuss the answers to these questions, I open my own life to them as a case study of sorts, to illustrate how they can use the theories from our course to guide their life decisions.
One of the theories that gives great insight on the first question—how to be sure we find happiness in our careers—is from Frederick Herzberg, who asserts that the powerful motivator in our lives isn’t money; it’s the opportunity to learn, grow in responsibilities, contribute to others, and be recognized for achievements. I tell the students about a vision of sorts I had while I was running the company I founded before becoming an academic. In my mind’s eye I saw one of my managers leave for work one morning with a relatively strong level of self-esteem. Then I pictured her driving home to her family 10 hours later, feeling unappreciated, frustrated, underutilized, and demeaned. I imagined how profoundly her lowered self-esteem affected the way she interacted with her children. The vision in my mind then fast-forwarded to another day, when she drove home with greater self-esteem—feeling that she had learned a lot, been recognized for achieving valuable things, and played a significant role in the success of some important initiatives. I then imagined how positively that affected her as a spouse and a parent. My conclusion: Management is the most noble of professions if it’s practiced well. No other occupation offers as many ways to help others learn and grow, take responsibility and be recognized for achievement, and contribute to the success of a team. More and more MBA students come to school thinking that a career in business means buying, selling, and investing in companies. That’s unfortunate. Doing deals doesn’t yield the deep rewards that come from building up people.
I want students to leave my classroom knowing that.
Create a Strategy for Your Life
A theory that is helpful in answering the second question—How can I ensure that my relationship with my family proves to be an enduring source of happiness?—concerns how strategy is defined and implemented. Its primary insight is that a company’s strategy is determined by the types of initiatives that management invests in. If a company’s resource allocation process is not managed masterfully, what emerges from it can be very different from what management intended. Because companies’ decision-making systems are designed to steer investments to initiatives that offer the most tangible and immediate returns, companies shortchange investments in initiatives that are crucial to their long-term strategies.
Over the years I’ve watched the fates of my HBS classmates from 1979 unfold; I’ve seen more and more of them come to reunions unhappy, divorced, and alienated from their children. I can guarantee you that not a single one of them graduated with the deliberate strategy of getting divorced and raising children who would become estranged from them. And yet a shocking number of them implemented that strategy. The reason? They didn’t keep the purpose of their lives front and center as they decided how to spend their time, talents, and energy.
It’s quite startling that a significant fraction of the 900 students that HBS draws each year from the world’s best have given little thought to the purpose of their lives. I tell the students that HBS might be one of their last chances to reflect deeply on that question. If they think that they’ll have more time and energy to reflect later, they’re nuts, because life only gets more demanding: You take on a mortgage; you’re working 70 hours a week; you have a spouse and children.
For me, having a clear purpose in my life has been essential. But it was something I had to think long and hard about before I understood it. When I was a Rhodes scholar, I was in a very demanding academic program, trying to cram an extra year’s worth of work into my time at Oxford. I decided to spend an hour every night reading, thinking, and praying about why God put me on this earth. That was a very challenging commitment to keep, because every hour I spent doing that, I wasn’t studying applied econometrics. I was conflicted about whether I could really afford to take that time away from my studies, but I stuck with it—and ultimately figured out the purpose of my life.
Had I instead spent that hour each day learning the latest techniques for mastering the problems of autocorrelation in regression analysis, I would have badly misspent my life. I apply the tools of econometrics a few times a year, but I apply my knowledge of the purpose of my life every day. It’s the single most useful thing I’ve ever learned. I promise my students that if they take the time to figure out their life purpose, they’ll look back on it as the most important thing they discovered at HBS. If they don’t figure it out, they will just sail off without a rudder and get buffeted in the very rough seas of life. Clarity about their purpose will trump knowledge of activity-based costing, balanced scorecards, core competence, disruptive innovation, the four Ps, and the five forces.
My purpose grew out of my religious faith, but faith isn’t the only thing that gives people direction. For example, one of my former students decided that his purpose was to bring honesty and economic prosperity to his country and to raise children who were as capably committed to this cause, and to each other, as he was. His purpose is focused on family and others—as mine is.
The choice and successful pursuit of a profession is but one tool for achieving your purpose. But without a purpose, life can become hollow.

Allocate Your Resources

Your decisions about allocating your personal time, energy, and talent ultimately shape your life’s strategy.

I have a bunch of “businesses” that compete for these resources: I’m trying to have a rewarding relationship with my wife, raise great kids, contribute to my community, succeed in my career, contribute to my church, and so on. And I have exactly the same problem that a corporation does. I have a limited amount of time and energy and talent. How much do I devote to each of these pursuits?

Allocation choices can make your life turn out to be very different from what you intended. Sometimes that’s good: Opportunities that you never planned for emerge. But if you misinvest your resources, the outcome can be bad. As I think about my former classmates who inadvertently invested for lives of hollow unhappiness, I can’t help believing that their troubles relate right back to a short-term perspective.

When people who have a high need for achievement—and that includes all Harvard Business School graduates—have an extra half hour of time or an extra ounce of energy, they’ll unconsciously allocate it to activities that yield the most tangible accomplishments. And our careers provide the most concrete evidence that we’re moving forward. You ship a product, finish a design, complete a presentation, close a sale, teach a class, publish a paper, get paid, get promoted. In contrast, investing time and energy in your relationship with your spouse and children typically doesn’t offer that same immediate sense of achievement. Kids misbehave every day. It’s really not until 20 years down the road that you can put your hands on your hips and say, “I raised a good son or a good daughter.” You can neglect your relationship with your spouse, and on a day-to-day basis, it doesn’t seem as if things are deteriorating. People who are driven to excel have this unconscious propensity to underinvest in their families and overinvest in their careers—even though intimate and loving relationships with their families are the most powerful and enduring source of happiness.

If you study the root causes of business disasters, over and over you’ll find this predisposition toward endeavors that offer immediate gratification. If you look at personal lives through that lens, you’ll see the same stunning and sobering pattern: people allocating fewer and fewer resources to the things they would have once said mattered most.

Create a Culture

There’s an important model in our class called the Tools of Cooperation, which basically says that being a visionary manager isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s one thing to see into the foggy future with acuity and chart the course corrections that the company must make. But it’s quite another to persuade employees who might not see the changes ahead to line up and work cooperatively to take the company in that new direction. Knowing what tools to wield to elicit the needed cooperation is a critical managerial skill.

The theory arrays these tools along two dimensions—the extent to which members of the organization agree on what they want from their participation in the enterprise, and the extent to which they agree on what actions will produce the desired results. When there is little agreement on both axes, you have to use “power tools”—coercion, threats, punishment, and so on—to secure cooperation. Many companies start in this quadrant, which is why the founding executive team must play such an assertive role in defining what must be done and how. If employees’ ways of working together to address those tasks succeed over and over, consensus begins to form. MIT’s Edgar Schein has described this process as the mechanism by which a culture is built. Ultimately, people don’t even think about whether their way of doing things yields success. They embrace priorities and follow procedures by instinct and assumption rather than by explicit decision—which means that they’ve created a culture. Culture, in compelling but unspoken ways, dictates the proven, acceptable methods by which members of the group address recurrent problems. And culture defines the priority given to different types of problems. It can be a powerful management tool.
In using this model to address the question, How can I be sure that my family becomes an enduring source of happiness?, my students quickly see that the simplest tools that parents can wield to elicit cooperation from children are power tools. But there comes a point during the teen years when power tools no longer work. At that point parents start wishing that they had begun working with their children at a very young age to build a culture at home in which children instinctively behave respectfully toward one another, obey their parents, and choose the right thing to do. Families have cultures, just as companies do. Those cultures can be built consciously or evolve inadvertently.

If you want your kids to have strong self-esteem and confidence that they can solve hard problems, those qualities won’t magically materialize in high school. You have to design them into your family’s culture—and you have to think about this very early on. Like employees, children build self-esteem by doing things that are hard and learning what works.

Avoid the “Marginal Costs” Mistake

We’re taught in finance and economics that in evaluating alternative investments, we should ignore sunk and fixed costs, and instead base decisions on the marginal costs and marginal revenues that each alternative entails. We learn in our course that this doctrine biases companies to leverage what they have put in place to succeed in the past, instead of guiding them to create the capabilities they’ll need in the future. If we knew the future would be exactly the same as the past, that approach would be fine. But if the future’s different—and it almost always is—then it’s the wrong thing to do.

This theory addresses the third question I discuss with my students—how to live a life of integrity (stay out of jail). Unconsciously, we often employ the marginal cost doctrine in our personal lives when we choose between right and wrong. A voice in our head says, “Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.” The marginal cost of doing something wrong “just this once” always seems alluringly low. It suckers you in, and you don’t ever look at where that path ultimately is headed and at the full costs that the choice entails. Justification for infidelity and dishonesty in all their manifestations lies in the marginal cost economics of “just this once.”

I’d like to share a story about how I came to understand the potential damage of “just this once” in my own life. I played on the Oxford University varsity basketball team. We worked our tails off and finished the season undefeated. The guys on the team were the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. We got to the British equivalent of the NCAA tournament—and made it to the final four. It turned out the championship game was scheduled to be played on a Sunday. I had made a personal commitment to God at age 16 that I would never play ball on Sunday. So I went to the coach and explained my problem. He was incredulous. My teammates were, too, because I was the starting center. Every one of the guys on the team came to me and said, “You’ve got to play. Can’t you break the rule just this one time?”

I’m a deeply religious man, so I went away and prayed about what I should do. I got a very clear feeling that I shouldn’t break my commitment—so I didn’t play in the championship game.

In many ways that was a small decision—involving one of several thousand Sundays in my life. In theory, surely I could have crossed over the line just that one time and then not done it again. But looking back on it, resisting the temptation whose logic was “In this extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK” has proven to be one of the most important decisions of my life. Why? My life has been one unending stream of extenuating circumstances. Had I crossed the line that one time, I would have done it over and over in the years that followed.

The lesson I learned from this is that it’s easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than it is to hold to them 98% of the time. If you give in to “just this once,” based on a marginal cost analysis, as some of my former classmates have done, you’ll regret where you end up. You’ve got to define for yourself what you stand for and draw the line in a safe place.

Remember the Importance of Humility

I got this insight when I was asked to teach a class on humility at Harvard College. I asked all the students to describe the most humble person they knew. One characteristic of these humble people stood out: They had a high level of self-esteem. They knew who they were, and they felt good about who they were. We also decided that humility was defined not by self-deprecating behavior or attitudes but by the esteem with which you regard others. Good behavior flows naturally from that kind of humility. For example, you would never steal from someone, because you respect that person too much. You’d never lie to someone, either.

It’s crucial to take a sense of humility into the world. By the time you make it to a top graduate school, almost all your learning has come from people who are smarter and more experienced than you: parents, teachers, bosses. But once you’ve finished at Harvard Business School or any other top academic institution, the vast majority of people you’ll interact with on a day-to-day basis may not be smarter than you. And if your attitude is that only smarter people have something to teach you, your learning opportunities will be very limited. But if you have a humble eagerness to learn something from everybody, your learning opportunities will be unlimited. Generally, you can be humble only if you feel really good about yourself—and you want to help those around you feel really good about themselves, too. When we see people acting in an abusive, arrogant, or demeaning manner toward others, their behavior almost always is a symptom of their lack of self-esteem. They need to put someone else down to feel good about themselves.

Choose the Right Yardstick

This past year I was diagnosed with cancer and faced the possibility that my life would end sooner than I’d planned. Thankfully, it now looks as if I’ll be spared. But the experience has given me important insight into my life.

I have a pretty clear idea of how my ideas have generated enormous revenue for companies that have used my research; I know I’ve had a substantial impact. But as I’ve confronted this disease, it’s been interesting to see how unimportant that impact is to me now. I’ve concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn’t dollars but the individual people whose lives I’ve touched.

I think that’s the way it will work for us all. Don’t worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success.

Clayton M. Christensen (cchristensen@hbs.edu) is the Kim B. Clark Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School. He is the author of the forthcoming book, How Will You Measure Your Life? (May 15, 2012), which is based on this article.

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^ i was tempted to TLDR that post 4 times, but in the end finished it. glad i did, and glad you posted it! Thank you

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One of the best books on this topic is "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And Hot to Make the Most of Them Now" by Meg Jay. Highly recommend. :D