[multicartual]

Sup Revscene

Been trying to make it as a writer so I can afford 87 octane and a fart tip for my jbody Cavalier while I make up stories about driving an E36 BMW with a V8, so I'd kind of appreciate some feedback on my first artical, thx guys so amaze!

Maybe some of this will help you guys through the holiday season!

Just the tips. | The Gastown Gazette (http://gastowngazette.com/just-the-tips/)

[Energy]

Sup Revscene

Been trying to make it as a writer so I can afford 87 octane and a fart tip for my jbody Cavalier while I make up stories about driving an E36 BMW with a V8, so I'd kind of appreciate some feedback on my first artical, thx guys so amaze!

Maybe some of this will help you guys through the holiday season!

Just the tips. | The Gastown Gazette (http://gastowngazette.com/just-the-tips/)

Lol Jason02S2000

[Not really racist!]

Quick look online and that name matches with his horrible novel

:lawl:

[jasonturbo]

That article makes no sense, it's in the "gastown gazette" and talks about "workplace hookups"...

...everybody knows those hipsters that live in gastown don't have jobs, I'm not even sure if they can read.

[MindBomber]

First, congrats on having an article in circulation.

The Gastown Gazette isn't The New York Times, but it's a positive step.

Second, I see a blurred writing style in the article.

The article isn't poetry, it isn't prose, and it isn't academic; it's conversational advice.

The article is aspiring to the things it isn't, though.

Take a step outside yourself and evaluate your writing process.

I suspect in writing you try to sound intelligent and confident, and you're having trouble finding the right words to achieve this effect.

Picture yourself in conversation with a hot blonde. It's not necessary to search for the right words, but you sound intelligent and confident nonetheless.

Therefore, to write conversational advice simply put conversation into sentence structure. To write this way create a conversation outline and then have the conversation into a voice recorder, and then listen to the recording and put what you've said into sentence structure. Done.

Hope this helps.

[multicartual]

Lol Jason02S2000


Jason00S2000!

[multicartual]

Quick look online and that name matches with his horrible novel

:lawl:


Why is it horrible?

[MasonJar]

The lack of fluidity hurts my brain.

I fear you are trying to embody Margaret Atwood's heavily descriptive prose and it ain't workin'.

Congrats on the article nonetheless.

[Ronin]

If you're writing the type of article you are and you have a semi-colon in it, you're doing something wrong.

You also use commas where you really don't need to which explains a bit of the lack of fluidity. Take that sentence as an example. What if I write is as "You also use commas where you really don't need to, which explains a bit of the lack of fluidity."

Your analogies and imagery feel like inside jokes that are probably meaningful to you but not to everyone else.

[Ronin]

I assume you're not "classically trained" in writing so you won't know things like the Rule of Three, something I use quite often. You try in the first sentence where you describe usual holiday seasons but it feels like it ends abruptly. That's because the first two are phrases. If you're going to put that many words in the first two, if you don't in the third, it better at least be funny. If you added "of Grey", then that sounds a little better too.

Some of your sentence structure is awful, like this: "This one really sucks when you give an expensive gift, only to receive tubular textiles in return." should be "It really sucks when you give an expensive gift only to receive tubular textiles in return." And alliteration is elementary school shit...keep it to a minimum.

I won't go through your whole piece but it sounds awkward and the three things you list don't have enough connection to each other for the article to sounds cohesive.

No offense. I never majored in English or whatever either but similar to you, I write for Vancity Buzz: Ed Lau, Author at Vancity Buzz | Vancouver Events, News, Food, Lifestyle and More (http://www.vancitybuzz.com/author/ed/). Just my opinion but if you're asking for the purposes of self-improvement, then there are things you need to work on.

[Bimmette]

Congrats on your first article!!!

[doritos]

cool story bro

[multicartual]

Wow
So critic
Much critical

[SkinnyPupp]

Asks people what they think of his article, posts passive aggressive meme response when people tell him they think it could use some work.

[multicartual]

Asks people what they think of his article, posts passive aggressive meme response when people tell him they think it could use some work.


Well, the girls I know liked it! :fullofwin:

[Manic!]

Well, the girls I know liked it! :fullofwin:

Well all the girls he knew liked it too. :fullofwin:

Corey Feldman embarrasses himself - YouTube

[rsx]

It was awkwardly written =(

[multicartual]

So was 50 Shades of Grey, but people ate that shit up!

[N.V.M.]

their genitals pulsing along to the beat of Jingle Bells

i'm going to the wrong christmas parties.

[trix4kids]

The article is pretty poorly written. The premise of the article is relatively convoluted, what is the point of your article? The voice is very very weak and I'm going to assume you're trying to be quirky with your intro. It's pretty weird and awkwardly written. You sound like a high school wannabe journalist that uses big words and phrases to mask his lack of creativity.

Maybe you should quit writing about things that require talent and write a book about how uninteresting and pedantic anyone living outside Yaletown and Gastown is. That seems to be your area of expertise.

[multicartual]

The article is pretty poorly written. The premise of the article is relatively convoluted, what is the point of your article? The voice is very very weak and I'm going to assume you're trying to be quirky with your intro. It's pretty weird and awkwardly written. You sound like a high school wannabe journalist that uses big words and phrases to mask his lack of creativity.

Maybe you should quit writing about things that require talent and write a book about how uninteresting and pedantic anyone living outside Yaletown and Gastown is. That seems to be your area of expertise.


Hey thanks for the words of encouragement, I appreciate it! The road to getting any credibility as a writer/musician/artist these days is extremely difficult. Fame is everything, and until you have fame everyone will criticize the shit out of you and call you every name in the book!

Once you're famous you can do a Reddit AMA and then everyone sucks up to you and literally lines up to suck your dick and tell you how amazing you are.

http://media2.giphy.com/media/kgKrO1A3JbWTK/giphy.gif

Truth is, I'm 2 legit 2 quit. As long as the porn money keeps rolling in to support me, I'll work on my creative passions!

[91civicZC]

If you’re actually asking for constructive criticism, read Ronins post, he is correct in everything he points out.

Honestly not sure if your trolling or not, but I am pretty astounded anyone published that.

Edit: From the above post, I assume your trolling and your not actually the Jasons2000 guy with a new RS name. Seriously, that writing is terrible.

[multicartual]

If you’re actually asking for constructive criticism, read Ronins post, he is correct in everything he points out.

Honestly not sure if your trolling or not, but I am pretty astounded anyone published that.


It was well-received by a lot of women and a test audience, I thought maybe some of you Revsceners would appreciate the modern take on the holidays and romance! December is a really passionate month and I've been putting my pink Santa into a bunch of tight chimneys!

Office hookups are very, very common these days.

Christmas breakups are huge!!! So many guys get fucked over by spending a ton on their girlfriends, just to get dumped just after they give their girlfriends the gift, haha!

Surprise your girlfriend with a lumberjack cuddle tonight!

[El Bastardo]

Fame is everything, and until you have fame everyone will criticize the shit out of you and call you every name in the book!


I'm sorry something happened to you in your life to make you so insecure that you really believe this.

[multicartual]

I'm sorry something happened to you in your life to make you so insecure that you really believe this.


Can you explain how an artist can survive and make money on their art without a fan base?


Also, there are a shit fuck ton of perks to being well-known!

[jasonturbo]

Being totally honest here, this article falls short for me from both a technical writing perspective, and for content.

Your "writing style" is fragmented, no fluidity, you need to use transitions whenever possible, this is what makes it easy to read/digest.

Content... the first thing that got me was the overly poetic nature of the intro, an intro that doesn't seem to relate to the body at all. The three "tips" are not well associated, they are very much just random ideas.

"Love in Vancouver, A Holiday Minefield", what does this title really have to do with office hookups, break up gifts, and lumberjack cuddles?

Just seems to me that you are trying to hard, you need to relax your writing a little bit.

Not trying to offend, feedback is a valuable tool, if anything you should thank me for writing this by providing me with free porn, thx.

[Geoc]

It's a bit too choppy imo.

Here's the tip to make it flow better without doing much: drop the serial comma.

[lowside67]

Just seems to me that you are trying to hard, you need to relax your writing a little bit.
This is also the first thing that came to my mind when I read the article. You don't need 8 adjectives in every sentence to paint a picture, in fact sometimes less is more as you let people create their own scene. It sort of reads like a high school paper where you had a minimum word count and had to come up with ways to say one sentence in four, ad nauseum. It's an interesting and fun concept but you need to take a little time to self-edit.

Mark

[MasonJar]

It was well-received by a lot of women and a test audience


Asking the naked chick that is still laying in your crusty bed sheets and a couple of your buddies to read your article before you e-mail it to the editor is not a "test audience".

[Energy]

:fullofwin:

[T4RAWR]

Asking the naked chick that is still laying in your crusty bed sheets and a couple of your buddies to read your article before you e-mail it to the editor is not a "test audience".

http://media.247sports.com/Uploads/Assets/218/9/1009218.gif

[multicartual]

Asking the naked chick that is still laying in your crusty bed sheets and a couple of your buddies to read your article before you e-mail it to the editor is not a "test audience".


Can't let the sheets get like that, I sleep on black satin, after a week it starts to look like a dark car parked under a tree full of well-fed birds

[El Bastardo]

Focus on one thing and do it well. If you do not do it well, do not continue to do it unless you are committed to improving your craft by learning from masters of said craft.

Not everyone is Hemingway. You can't apply pen to paper and expect brilliance. If you had a natural gift for wordcraft, we would not be telling you that your writing needs improvement.

Do you think Caravaggio just one day picked up a brush and painted the Conversion of Saint Paul? No. He trained for years.
Do you think ee cummings won the Guggenheim Fellowship twice because he had a good PR team promoting him? No. He wrote every day for 14 years and went to Harvard to refine his craft.

Your artificial playboy lifestyle wore thin here when your stories got old and you used this community to promote your "magnum opus". Now you're back and have socially engineered your way into writing for a blog with a limited audience and hope that this will impress us.

Please, please, please take our advice and work on your writing. Take some classes. That is the most constructive I've seen this board be in critiquing your work so you should take it and run with it.

If fame is your only aspiration, I suggest softening those lips of yours and releasing a video of you fellating Ray J as Kim Kardashian did. That is the only way a talentless person who isn't willing to put in the work to improve will become "famous".


Good luck!

[MasonJar]

Can't let the sheets get like that, I sleep on black satin, after a week it starts to look like a dark car parked under a tree full of well-fed birds

And, no doubt, crawlin' with crabs and regret :fullofwin:

[Energy]

And, no doubt, crawlin' with crabs and regret :fullofwin:

I like you. Nohomo.

[T4RAWR]

Focus on one thing and do it well. If you do not do it well, do not continue to do it unless you are committed to improving your craft by learning from masters of said craft.

Not everyone is Hemingway. You can't apply pen to paper and expect brilliance. If you had a natural gift for wordcraft, we would not be telling you that your writing needs improvement.

Do you think Caravaggio just one day picked up a brush and painted the Conversion of Saint Paul? No. He trained for years.
Do you think ee cummings won the Guggenheim Fellowship twice because he had a good PR team promoting him? No. He wrote every day for 14 years and went to Harvard to refine his craft.

Your artificial playboy lifestyle wore thin here when your stories got old and you used this community to promote your "magnum opus". Now you're back and have socially engineered your way into writing for a blog with a limited audience and hope that this will impress us.

Please, please, please take our advice and work on your writing. Take some classes. That is the most constructive I've seen this board be in critiquing your work so you should take it and run with it.

If fame is your only aspiration, I suggest softening those lips of yours and releasing a video of you fellating Ray J as Kim Kardashian did. That is the only way a talentless person who isn't willing to put in the work to improve will become "famous".


Good luck!

http://www.cavemag.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Wiserhood.jpg

[multicartual]

Focus on one thing and do it well. If you do not do it well, do not continue to do it unless you are committed to improving your craft by learning from masters of said craft.

Not everyone is Hemingway. You can't apply pen to paper and expect brilliance. If you had a natural gift for wordcraft, we would not be telling you that your writing needs improvement.

Do you think Caravaggio just one day picked up a brush and painted the Conversion of Saint Paul? No. He trained for years.
Do you think ee cummings won the Guggenheim Fellowship twice because he had a good PR team promoting him? No. He wrote every day for 14 years and went to Harvard to refine his craft.

Your artificial playboy lifestyle wore thin here when your stories got old and you used this community to promote your "magnum opus". Now you're back and have socially engineered your way into writing for a blog with a limited audience and hope that this will impress us.

Please, please, please take our advice and work on your writing. Take some classes. That is the most constructive I've seen this board be in critiquing your work so you should take it and run with it.

If fame is your only aspiration, I suggest softening those lips of yours and releasing a video of you fellating Ray J as Kim Kardashian did. That is the only way a talentless person who isn't willing to put in the work to improve will become "famous".


Good luck!



Earning renown is not always based on talent or skill, in fact, one could argue it's simply well-targeted marketing!

I don't aspire to be a great writer, in fact I would say I'm more of a creative-type rather than a writer per se. Writing is just the most affordable form of self-expression.

Besides, Revscene follows me on Twitter, so you have to like what I've been posting there. :)

[El Bastardo]

Besides, Revscene follows me on Twitter, so you have to like what I've been posting there. :)

Ooh. This is awkward...

I.. I make sure that account follows all Revscene members...

....so don't take a Twitter follow as an endorsement that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake

[T4RAWR]

Yes, Mr. Sherman, everything stinks. - YouTube

[multicartual]

Ooh. This is awkward...

I.. I make sure that account follows all Revscene members...

....so don't take a Twitter follow as an endorsement that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake

Lies, you follow my every move with bated breath.

[4444]

as you have put this piece up to be assessed, my assessment is i read half of it and didn't want to keep on reading through a combination of a dry subject matter and awkward writing style.

i assume this isn't a source of income.

[GLOW]

Ooh. This is awkward...

I.. I make sure that account follows all Revscene members...

....so don't take a Twitter follow as an endorsement that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake

http://media.247sports.com/Uploads/Assets/218/9/1009218.gif

:nyan:

[El Bastardo]

I'm not saying that a follow from @Revscene is the equivalent of a participation ribbon during Sports Day at school, I'm just saying that @Revscene is more of an announcement tool.

We want you to well, Jason. We want you to succeed. We're trying to help here. Although our words are packaged with pithy, cutting remarks, we wouldn't waste our bandwidth if we didn't want to see a local boy do good and write something we can all pop our corks to.

[MasonJar]

Ya know, at the very least I'd like to give Jason props for putting some life into RS right now. This forum has been pretty fucking stale as of late and this thread has certainly piqued some interest.

[El Bastardo]

*piqued

Since this thread is about criticizing grammar, you are not immune.

[Gumby]

A few of you have provided jason with actual, useful, constructive criticism, but he doesn't seem to take it very well. Instead, he responds with "well, my buddies liked it!".

[GLOW]

we can all pop our corks to.

i completely misread that the first time :badpokerface:

[7seven]

I'm not sure if Jason is really looking for constructive criticism or actual reviews. Seems more of a method to spam/market/get page clicks for his work. Same as his previous tactics

[Great68]

I'm not sure if Jason is really looking for constructive criticism or actual reviews. Seems more of a method to spam/market/get page clicks for his work. Same as his previous tactics

He definately has a talent for playing RS members.

[multicartual]

A few of you have provided jason with actual, useful, constructive criticism, but he doesn't seem to take it very well. Instead, he responds with "well, my buddies liked it!".

As long as I say interesting shit to the right audience, it doesn't have to be well-written, just the content of the message needs to resonate with the reader. For every different type of reader that exists, there is also another different style of writing.

To describe my own, I try taking a surreal metamodernist approach to unraveling what makes modern life so completely baffling and interesting at the same time. Life can be said to be a test of your own limits, how and why we create arbitrary limits for ourselves is what I enjoy researching.

We aren't in a time where people can go off and climb uncharted mountaintops for national glory like in the movie "The North Face", nor is there any just war you can sign up with the merchant marines and go fight in. Google Earth will tell you what is in every direction from your house, and pretty much uncovers all corners of the earth. So much of the adventure and new exploration of life is gone, at least in a physical sense. Caving has been growing as a sport, unexplored underground tunnels being one of the last places unexplored by humans. What's left?

Social exploration. The discovery of new ways to live, new ways to earn an income, new crypto-currencies to invest in, and new ways to date and love, these are some of the things I like to daydream about. Hopefully some of the things I think about will be appealing in some sort of creative form and eventually earn me an income doing what I love, which is daydreaming, and passing on my crazy bullshit. :)

If I ever hit the big time I will drive around with RS members in my gold Ferrari doing key bumps in the Wendy's drive-thru

[MindBomber]

I'm pleasantly surprised by the quality of the peer review Jason's been offered.

Way to go, RS!

[MasonJar]

As long as I say interesting shit to the right audience, it doesn't have to be well-written, just the content of the message needs to resonate with the reader. For every different type of reader that exists, there is also another different style of writing.

To describe my own, I try taking a surreal metamodernist approach to unraveling what makes modern life so completely baffling and interesting at the same time. Life can be said to be a test of your own limits, how and why we create arbitrary limits for ourselves is what I enjoy researching.

We aren't in a time where people can go off and climb uncharted mountaintops for national glory like in the movie "The North Face", nor is there any just war you can sign up with the merchant marines and go fight in. Google Earth will tell you what is in every direction from your house, and pretty much uncovers all corners of the earth. So much of the adventure and new exploration of life is gone, at least in a physical sense. Caving has been growing as a sport, unexplored underground tunnels being one of the last places unexplored by humans. What's left?

Social exploration. The discovery of new ways to live, new ways to earn an income, new crypto-currencies to invest in, and new ways to date and love, these are some of the things I like to daydream about. Hopefully some of the things I think about will be appealing in some sort of creative form and eventually earn me an income doing what I love, which is daydreaming, and passing on my crazy bullshit. :)

If I ever hit the big time I will drive around with RS members in my gold Ferrari doing key bumps in the Wendy's drive-thru

It just took you 300 words to say "YOLO".

[Ronin]

Well, the girls I know liked it! :fullofwin:

That's what happens when you ask people that can barely read. Your friends will obviously support you. You get honest opinions when you ask people that have nothing invested.

You asked. I gave my opinion. I think my opinion is valid since we write for similar sites.

Reading some of my early stuff, I think it wasn't much better but I learned by doing. Now I get paid to try restaurants and write about them.

It was well-received by a lot of women and a test audience, I thought maybe some of you Revsceners would appreciate the modern take on the holidays and romance! December is a really passionate month and I've been putting my pink Santa into a bunch of tight chimneys!

Office hookups are very, very common these days.

Christmas breakups are huge!!! So many guys get fucked over by spending a ton on their girlfriends, just to get dumped just after they give their girlfriends the gift, haha!

Surprise your girlfriend with a lumberjack cuddle tonight!

You also haven't written anything new. You think people don't know to keep their office romances quiet? Or how to cuddle a woman under a blanket? Do we need instructions to wrap ourselves in a blanket and drink til we're horny?

How is that modern? That's Mad Men.

[Ronin]

As long as I say interesting shit to the right audience, it doesn't have to be well-written, just the content of the message needs to resonate with the reader. For every different type of reader that exists, there is also another different style of writing.

To describe my own, I try taking a surreal metamodernist approach to unraveling what makes modern life so completely baffling and interesting at the same time. Life can be said to be a test of your own limits, how and why we create arbitrary limits for ourselves is what I enjoy researching.

We aren't in a time where people can go off and climb uncharted mountaintops for national glory like in the movie "The North Face", nor is there any just war you can sign up with the merchant marines and go fight in. Google Earth will tell you what is in every direction from your house, and pretty much uncovers all corners of the earth. So much of the adventure and new exploration of life is gone, at least in a physical sense. Caving has been growing as a sport, unexplored underground tunnels being one of the last places unexplored by humans. What's left?

Social exploration. The discovery of new ways to live, new ways to earn an income, new crypto-currencies to invest in, and new ways to date and love, these are some of the things I like to daydream about. Hopefully some of the things I think about will be appealing in some sort of creative form and eventually earn me an income doing what I love, which is daydreaming, and passing on my crazy bullshit. :)

If I ever hit the big time I will drive around with RS members in my gold Ferrari doing key bumps in the Wendy's drive-thru

I didn't even want to read this. Your punctuation is awful.

What you need is a ghost writer...someone that can put your ideas into words people want to read.

Sure, you can cater to the derpy audience if you want but even the joke asshole sites I read are well-written.

Honestly, I'm not trying to insult you but I'm not here to kiss your ass. If you didn't want advice, why on earth did you ask? I write for a site that gets Gastown Gazette monthly numbers every day and my articles are usually in the 1000 word feature range so I'm just trying to give you some advice.

The coles notes are:

1. You need to improve your grammar and punctuation.
2. You need to find a central theme to each post and stick to it.
3. Your word choices are...odd.

So was 50 Shades of Grey, but people ate that shit up!

Fuck me, you do not need a comma there...

[punkwax]

This forum has been pretty fucking stale as of late

Join date: Dec 2013
:suspicious:

So Jason is back after being banned.. wonder who else? :considered:

[Brianrietta]

As long as I say interesting shit to the right audience, it doesn't have to be well-written, just the content of the message needs to resonate with the reader. For every different type of reader that exists, there is also another different style of writing.

I presume by "right audience" you mean people who http://forums.macresource.com/smileys/quoties.gifread literaturehttp://forums.macresource.com/smileys/quoties.gif which is mostly pictures?

http://anongallery.org/img/6957/hey-guys-look-how-retarded-i-am-jokes-on-them.jpg

[Energy]

Haha that comic reminds me of mustang766/joe45

[Ronin]

I presume by "right audience" you mean people who http://forums.macresource.com/smileys/quoties.gifread literaturehttp://forums.macresource.com/smileys/quoties.gif which is mostly pictures?

http://anongallery.org/img/6957/hey-guys-look-how-retarded-i-am-jokes-on-them.jpg

So he had the right idea posting on REVscene then... :troll:

[z3german]

Can't let the sheets get like that, I sleep on black satin, after a week it starts to look like a dark car parked under a tree full of well-fed birds

Man your responses to the mostly good criticisms are so shitty,

if you arnt looking for advice just ask your momma how good your article was...

[multicartual]

I write for a site that gets Gastown Gazette monthly numbers every day and my articles are usually in the 1000 word feature range so I'm just trying to give you some advice.


Writing about food is a lot different than writing about reality from my perspective. There are 1000's of "foodie" guys out there writing, but only 1 dude like me. :)

[multicartual]

What you need is a ghost writer...someone that can put your ideas into words people want to read.


I'm actually hiring ghost writers in the new year. I need to finish several of the sci-fi books under psuedonyms so I won't confuse my brand.

One of the books I'm working on right now with the working title "Bitcoin Kings" is about a small group of nerdy friends who hit it big on bitcoins, but the money leads them all into a shitload of trouble.

:badpokerface:

[punkwax]

BitKings.

Royalties pls.

[MasonJar]

One of the books I'm working on right now with the working title "Bitcoin Kings" is about a small group of nerdy friends who hit it big on bitcoins, but the money leads them all into a shitload of trouble.

:badpokerface:

Like....Boiler Room?

[z3german]

Writing about food is a lot different than writing about reality from my perspective. There are 1000's of "foodie" guys out there writing, but only 1 dude like me. :)

its pretty funny that you claim to fuck at dem bitches and such and such, giving out advice to people...

but yet you need to masturbate with your words to make yourself feel better, practically begging for attention and looking for confirmation of what you think of yourself.

you seem like a dime a dozen bud, i have a friend pretty similar to how you are, and most people with a half brain dont like him at all. He still gets the bitches doe, so theres that (but they are all dumb broads.... and some really underage :suspicious:)

[Bimmette]

BitKings.

:lol:

[jasonturbo]

:lol:

... Bimmette, do you know OP "personally"?

:fullofwin:

[Bimmette]

... Bimmette, do you know OP "personally"?

:fullofwin:

No.