Thanks for all the responses. Been trying to cope with the breakup and focusing on my mental well being.
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Care to share more about what your parents' resistance about the girl is? and how you get negatively affected by it?
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The resistance were:
1. She's older than me(32)
2. The fast timeline
3. She has a stronger personality compared to me (however I feel opposites attract and she was always respectful of my thoughts)
4. Her parents are in China, so can't help if we start a family
This happened at the very beginning of the relationship because I wanted my parents acceptance due to a previous relationship that failed due to my parents disapproval(yes this is a pattern). They reluctantly accepted and said to get to know her better. During that time I ghosted her for a week and told her that there was family resistance but I told her that I was going to set boundaries with my parents.
As we got to know each other better, I admired her maturity and pragmatism. I don't have much dating experience or any arguments in past relationships so when we had arguments I thought the relationship was over and would give up. She would tell me there are always problems in any relationship and she can't help me if I give up already.
A big point of contention was the timeline, in the beginning, we agreed we're both older and 2 years to marry however later when we discussed marriage, her idea was from the time that we first met (sept 2024) while mine was when we are official (jan 2025). Even then she wanted to get married end of this year/ early next year which is still <2 years. Her rationale was that you get to know someone's fundamentals/ red flags within 3 months and then the rest of the time is learning to compromise with living together/travelling etc. I guess I convinced myself with the timeline because I really like her and see a future with her.
But the straw that broke the camels back, I told my mom that I was planning to go with her to China to see her parents this summer. My mom is really religious and did fortune telling and the fortune said I would die in my 50s if I stayed with her. I am a scientific and logical person but the way she pleaded with me so emotionally and the fact that I am easily swayed by other people seeded doubts in my mind if this could possibly be true. I became extremely stressed and in that moment I couldn't control my thoughts so I decided to tell her to get it off my chest. She said its fine for you to come to me to vent out and release stress but in the end I never give her any reassurance or any confidence in the relationship.
I feel like my lack of maturity given my limited dating experience made me incompatible with her? Although she said shes only been in a short term relationship before.
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So you stated your flaws here but surely she must have some too? Sounds like she didn't grieve much and jumped back onto apps. To me it sounds like she tolerated some of your conflict avoidance but reached her limits.
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Yeah she has her flaws too. She said she is a hopeless romantic and has an idealistic outlook on love so she overreacts when it doesn't live up to those expectations. For Valentines day, I took her to a fancy restaurant, got her flowers and a card but she got me a gift and was expecting a gift in return. I had thought what I did was enough but I guess it wasn't enough from her perspective so she got upset with me.
I know she's grieving too, I looked her social(Yes I shouldn't do that to recover from this breakup) but I feel like she has alot of pressure from her family to get married so she has to start looking asap.
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Heck, I might even think she'll be the one that got away when you look back 10 years from now. Mature, smart, independent...where do you get these 3 in a package nowadays. Getting married in two years is actually pretty fair.
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Yeah I feel like I will have this regret but i'm trying to thinking positively and chalking up this as a learning experience and growing on myself to really set boundaries and standing strong for my loved one.