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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 02-03-2009, 07:45 PM   #1
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[Confidential] I'm in love with my best friend

The following is a submission from an Anonymous Revscene member. If the original poster would like to reply to this thread feel free to message me privately

Lately, I've been having trouble. I'm in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do. Let me begin by giving you guys a brief glimpse in our past.

When we were young, I fell in love with this girl. Eventually, I found out she shared the same feelings with me, and although we never really make it official that we were going out, we did "go out" for a while. Anyway, it never worked out because of a few things. Mostly because we were each others first and we wanted to grow, but also we were just starting to expand our horizons in terms of our social circles and school.

Anyway, because of this we ended up drifting apart. She dated another guy and I ended up going for other girls.

Fast forward a few years, and we found each other in the same class. We started talking a lot and sometimes getting just a little too close to each other. I should mention that she has a boyfriend and I was seeing some other girl.

Forward a few more years, and we've gotten REALLY close to each other. We've done "romantic" things like going out to dinner, watching the stars by the dock of the lake, massaging each other, etc. And after all this, we never crossed the "friends" barrier. By this time she's broken up with her bf.

Anyway, forward a year or so, and I find out she's dating another guy. Although, I never really thought much of it, I was, admittedly a little disappointed that I missed my chance. But being her best friend and all, I was happy for her and I dismissed it.

Fast forward one more year to now and I've been kind of a mess. I was broken hearted for a while because of another girl (another story) and so she was there all the time to help me. A few weeks ago we decided to go on a trip with another couple... but we would go just as friends.

At this trip, we ended up getting REAL close to each other. For example, we would be looking at pictures and she would be leaning against my shoulders, and giving each other massages. When the other couple asked about us, she even admittedly said that we were "just flirting". Anyway, this trip sparked something within me. Something I may have been holding back before but now I see that I want it.

It's been a week since I've seen her last and I really really miss seeing her and being with her. I'm not sure how else to explain but to say that I am falling in love with her wouldn't be too far fetched.

We were speaking about how being close friends kind of automatically brings up feelings even if it's for a little bit and she agreed (We were not talking about us, but close friends in general). She mentioned how we're close friends but we don't go "overboard" and because of this "it sets the line for us". I'm not sure what the subtext of that message really is

Anyway, I guess my real question is, what do you guys think I should do? Looking at this from an objective point of view, it seems the right thing would be to let this one go but what I feel inside totally says another thing. I've fallen in love with her but I'm just not sure if she feels the same about it. Our friendship is the most important thing to me, but if it would mean that I would have to sacrifice it to go to the next plateau with her then I would take that leap.

I plan on just talking to her about it. Not telling her that I'm in love with her after all these years or anything, but just to let her know that I'm interested in seeing where things could go. Just not sure how... but maybe just this very act may spark something deep inside or something? Anyway, can anyone with a similar experience shed some light on my situation?

Oh, and by the way, she has a boyfriend...

Thanks a lot for reading.

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Old 02-03-2009, 09:03 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Los Bastardo View Post
We were speaking about how being close friends kind of automatically brings up feelings even if it's for a little bit and she agreed (We were not talking about us, but close friends in general). She mentioned how we're close friends but we don't go "overboard" and because of this "it sets the line for us". I'm not sure what the subtext of that message really is

I think "it sets the line for us" means either one of two things:

1) She thinks of you guys only as friends, nothing more than that and never will

2) She thinks of guys are really good as friends, thinks of you romantically as well, but doesn't want to jeopardize your friendship and believes you don't feel the same way.

Quote:
Anyway, I guess my real question is, what do you guys think I should do? Looking at this from an objective point of view, it seems the right thing would be to let this one go but what I feel inside totally says another thing. I've fallen in love with her but I'm just not sure if she feels the same about it. Our friendship is the most important thing to me, but if it would mean that I would have to sacrifice it to go to the next plateau with her then I would take that leap.
Since she has a boyfriend, it probably isn't the best time to tell her about it. According to the top two options i've given, here are the most likely reactions:

1a) She'll feel flattered, but taken back because she didn't see it coming. Perhaps the thought of being with you romantically will daunt on her every time she's with her boyfriend. Making her distant and slightly conflicted.

1b) She'll feel flattered, rejects you. Reassures you that it will not affect your friendship. It doesn't change your friendship.

2a) The girl will be very flattered, confused and conflicted. She will recollect the things you have done together, wonder why there were no advances in the past, or maybe its something recent that has brought your attention towards her. Then she'll balance the thought of being with her current boyfriend and potentially what it will be like if she was with you. In essence becoming very stressed over the matter.

2b) She'll dump him and go out with you.

Some random possibilities as to what the turn out may be like.
Remember, this is a work of fiction and not a psychic prophecy of the top 4 ways she'll react.

Quote:
I plan on just talking to her about it. Not telling her that I'm in love with her after all these years or anything, but just to let her know that I'm interested in seeing where things could go. Just not sure how... but maybe just this very act may spark something deep inside or something? Anyway, can anyone with a similar experience shed some light on my situation?
I sure hope she's not an over thinker, cause that can blow up someone's brain.

If she is not, then good thinking, I think that's a good option to go through with. I think its always best to know than not know. Because if you don't know whats going on in their head, how are you suppose to pick up on the clues?


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Old 02-03-2009, 11:28 PM   #3
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After reading your post...all I can think of is...timing...or lack of between you and your best friend. You can look at bad timing as something you can overcome but to me timing is everything. From what you wrote it seems like you two have known each other a really long time so my question is ....if it hasn't happened by now...maybe its just not meant to happen. Maybe both of you don't want to risk losing the friendship that you guys have built.

I was in a similar situation as you once upon a time. Fell in love with one of my best guy friend in highschool. There were always points where I was convinced he felt the same but neither of us did anything about it. Fast forward a few years ...we graduate and he moves away for school. We kept in touch off and on thru phone calls/text and msn but we definitely weren't as close as we used to be. I dated other guys and I m sure he also had girls in his life. Fast forward another few years and he moves back to Vancouver and we got closer again. At this point both of us had a bf/gf but me n my "best friend" hung out alone alot....watching movies, going to dinner, taking drives around the city, random Mcdonalds runs (he lived 2 minutes away so there was lots of late night random food runs)

Again neither of us voiced how we felt though it was apparent. It was like a replay of our highschool days all over again. I can't speak for his point of view but to me...it was a bit of a fear of rejection but more then anything...I was afraid of losing my friend or having things be awkward between us in case things didnt work out.

He moved back to HK and I still see him whenever I go back. He has a really sweet gf and I also have someone wonderful in my life. I could never say for sure that our friendship wouldn't have survived if we were ever officially "together" and broke up but things couldn't have worked out for us better then it did.
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Old 02-04-2009, 01:02 AM   #4
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Quote:
Forward a few more years, and we've gotten REALLY close to each other.
Quote:
At this trip, we ended up getting REAL close to each other.
Anymore closer, and you would probably merge into each other.

I've had that happen to me before...I had a girlfriend that I reallly reallly liked, but in the end I didn't want to lose that...so all I told her was that I loved her and would cherish her for the rest of my days...Wow, come to think of it...I even flew like around the globe cuz i missed her too much one day.

didn't want to date her and if things went wrong...i wouldn't be able to live with myself losing her over a gf/bf relationship
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Old 02-04-2009, 01:18 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Los Bastardo View Post
Anyway, I guess my real question is, what do you guys think I should do? Looking at this from an objective point of view, it seems the right thing would be to let this one go but what I feel inside totally says another thing. I've fallen in love with her but I'm just not sure if she feels the same about it. Our friendship is the most important thing to me, but if it would mean that I would have to sacrifice it to go to the next plateau with her then I would take that leap.
I wanted to single this part out because this it what it all boils down to.

Basically, this is YOUR defining moment. This is what defines you as a man. Some men are Risk-Takers, some are not. Risk-Takers win big, or lose big. Nevertheless, you need balls to be one.

Then there are those who ALWAYS play it safe. Sure their losses are always controlled and limited, but so can their Wins in life.

I know what type of guy I am, and I know what to do in this situation, but that advice would only work for me, or people like me. The question is really: "Which type guy are you?" Answer that and you will find which way is right for you.
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Old 02-04-2009, 02:06 AM   #6
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"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Or as I like to put it: "When in doubt, ask her out."

You face substantial gains and losses but in the end, would you be satisfied with not knowing her answer?
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Old 02-04-2009, 10:55 AM   #7
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Maybe she wants to be friends with benfits?
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Old 02-04-2009, 02:11 PM   #8
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I'm in love with a stripper...
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Old 02-04-2009, 03:16 PM   #9
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Maybe she wants to be friends with benfits?
+ 1, show her wuts up
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Old 02-04-2009, 03:32 PM   #10
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Friends with benefits after they have known each other their whole lives? I doubt that would work, especially since he is falling in love with her, that would only make things that much worse.
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Old 02-04-2009, 03:33 PM   #11
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it will never work, i know cus i have tried
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Old 02-04-2009, 03:59 PM   #12
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I'm with the other guys - ask her and see what she says. It couldn't be that awkward - like you said in your original post, you've both shared the same feelings for each other before and you have both known it. It shouldn't come as a complete surprise to either one of you that either one of you still has those feelings for the other.

However, I'd feel guilty trying to "wreck" her current relationship just for my own benefit.

I'd probably just try to let things go and see how her relationship with the current dude goes. If it's just a short term thing then let it run it's course and make your move. Just try to talk to her and see where she stands with the current relationship. You could also do the "if we're not married by X age, then we'll hook up" line and see how she reacts. Cheesy, yes, but at least you can see what the reaction is without over committing yourself. Maybe you'll get lucky and she's say "why wait till X age? Why not now?"
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Old 02-04-2009, 06:04 PM   #13
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wow your situation is really similar to mine =/

well what im trying to do is making her more attached to me than her boyfriend, so then she'll consider dumping him and after some time i'll make a move on her and eventually we'll start dating. It's kinda working right now, just start talking to her more, keep in touch, be entertaining, funny, flirty and basically, let her know your interested. Its possible shes interested in you because she said "We're just flirting" so yeah, dont give up dude, good luck
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:06 PM   #14
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Say something. Take it from me you will always wonder "what if".

A couple years ago I was seeing this girl and we ended up becoming good friends. We both agreed that we weren't looking for anything serious at the time. The problem was the more I hung out with her the more I started to like her. I didn't want to fuck things up so I didn't say anything. She ended up starting to date someone a couple months later. Like a year later I told her how I had felt before since it bothered me so much that I hadn't said anything. That is when she told me that she had felt the same way but didn't say anything cuz she didn't want to ruin a good thing. She actually had told me she loved me at one point but she was drunk and I didn't take it seriously.
I don't regret many things but I still to this day regret not saying something when I should have. I have told myself I will never make that mistake again.
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:57 PM   #15
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DUDE I MADE THE SAME MISTAKE
theres a possibility she's only going out with her current boyfriend just for some extra attention or something like that, and she could really like you. She probably feels bad about liking her bestfriend..thats what happened to me lol
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Old 02-05-2009, 12:33 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by min.tee View Post
"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Or as I like to put it: "When in doubt, ask her out."

You face substantial gains and losses but in the end, would you be satisfied with not knowing her answer?
What he said.

True friends will always be true friends. It should take much much more than just sharing your feelings to ruin it. If anything, it should make the bond stronger.

Also in the same boat lmao...hang in there, dude!
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Old 02-05-2009, 12:42 AM   #17
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yea
true friends will be true
it dont end up like in movies
like zack n miri make a porno
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Old 02-06-2009, 12:51 AM   #18
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What he said.

True friends will always be true friends. It should take much much more than just sharing your feelings to ruin it. If anything, it should make the bond stronger.

Also in the same boat lmao...hang in there, dude!
yeah man i was in the same situation .

i asked her out, but i wasnt too sure on how she felt. in the end, i stopped pursuing her cuz i felt that she wasnt feeling how i felt. she knows i like her, but at the end of it all, we're still friends.
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Old 02-06-2009, 01:13 AM   #19
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DUDE! JUST DO IT! tell her how you feel.

Nothing will hurt you more in the future then the feeling that you could have done something but was afraid of her reaction.

this is what i would say:



hey <her name> ive got something to say, you remember that trip we had a few weeks ago? <let her answer> im really glad you came along and i wouldn't have wanted any other person there.
<pause>

i had great time and i hope you did too.

you want to know something stupid? during the trip there were times when i looked back started to reminisce on the awesome times we had together and i couldn't help but smile. i guess the trip brought back old feelings and memories. <chuckle to yourself>

well,

<pause>

id just like you to know that i like you. And i know you have a boyfriend but its just something i want to get out of my chest and i hope nothing bad becomes of me telling you this because your friendship is probably one of the most important things to me.






Something along the lines there. work with it , mix it up and i hope it works out for you buddy.
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:39 AM   #20
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Hey buddy,

WELL in a way i cant really help you too much, because i nver been in that kinda situation. But heres a quick story about my frd.

Well long story short, He likes this girl in our group, he liked her ever since they started being frds. He asked her out, talked to her about his feelings, but till this very moment they are still going out as very very close frds.

He still calls me and talk about it once in a while. Because he still hasnt gotten over her.

So my thoughts are.

1. GO FOR IT TELL HER YOU FEELINGS, you have nothing to lose.

or

2. Dont tell her and you will regret.

I dont like to regret and dont like to keep things stored in my mind. Since you guys are already that close of friends, and if she really accepts you as best friends, anything you say to her, she will accept it and think deeply about it and tell you her answer. Whether its a yes or a no, you will than have to very much accept that answer otherwise you are being selfish.

Life you live once, go ahead and shoot for the star.

This is my $0.02 and you shouldnt worry too much. Maby she has the same feelings for you too, but just too shy to tell you about it.
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:55 AM   #21
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Without taking the time to read what other people wrote and only reading the OP's...

I like your end approach, because honestly, I know that things are always definitely easier said than done... but there is always that underlying "what if? what could of been.." etc etc.

Based on your story it seems that through everything that happens, you guys always end up sort of 'falling' for eachother again (not like that isn't what a best/good friend should be doing in the first place) but it seems as though she could be quite interested.

The fact that she has told you that it's because of how you guys act that it "sets the line".. that sort of throws me off haha, because.. you have to really think about how telling her would effect your current friendship/relationship with her, and it's because of this as well that a lot of guys don't speak up...

Best of luck with your situation OP!
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