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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 02-03-2009, 07:46 PM   #1
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[Confidential] Suspicious girlfriend

The following is a submission from an Anonymous Revscene member. If the original poster would like to reply to this thread feel free to message me privately


So here's my situation. My bf has this friend that I don't really like. She's always kinda flirty with my bf and when I ask him he says they are just normal friends nothing to worry about.

Lately a friend of mine saw my bf with a girl and my friend said they were acting all close and touchy. When I asked my bf about it he denied it and got mad at me for not trusting him. He said that if he didn't love me he woudn't even bother being with me. But I dont' know, my friend has no reason to lie to me about it and my friend was 100% sure it was him.

So help! Am I just over reacting? If a guy doesn't love you he wouldn't be with you...is that always true?
Anyone been cheated on or was a cheater? How and why?

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Old 02-03-2009, 08:25 PM   #2
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If a guy doesn't love you he wouldn't be with you...is that always true?
Its not a matter of love. Its possible that the guy loves you but likes the thrill of having something he shouldnt.
Most people that cheat on someone else dont actually love the person they are cheating with.
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Old 02-03-2009, 08:33 PM   #3
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When going into relationships, one should always be positive.

Yes, you are over reacting. Never judge hearsay, even if it is your best friend who's looking out for your best interest, it doesn't mean that they are seeing the picture in the same light as someone else. Your friend is biased to your opinion on the situation after all.

Your boyfriend also has a point. If you suspect him of cheating on you or having other thoughts so easily, how is he suppose to earn your trust later on? He'll start to question if you've ever trusted him. If its something that lingers in the back of your mind, just let him acknowledge that you're uncomfortable with the matter; if he's thinking about your relationship, he'll let this girl know and maybe tone down that touchy feely bond that some friends have :/
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Old 02-03-2009, 10:59 PM   #4
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what is touchy feely. i have a female friend who is EXTREMELY (hugs, petting, light kissing, text/calls alot) touch feely around me. i've tried to fuck her twice and got denied both times. weirdly enough, we are still great friends. moral: just cause a girl is all over a guy doesnt mean she necessarily wants to fuck. outside of a relationship. or that I have NO game. but its probably the first one.
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Old 02-04-2009, 01:06 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by BoneThug View Post
what is touchy feely. i have a female friend who is EXTREMELY (hugs, petting, light kissing, text/calls alot) touch feely around me. i've tried to fuck her twice and got denied both times. weirdly enough, we are still great friends. moral: just cause a girl is all over a guy doesnt mean she necessarily wants to fuck. outside of a relationship. or that I have NO game. but its probably the first one.
Yeah, but sometimes signals can be misinterpreted.

In any case, we've already determined in the past that a person in a relationship should be considerate to his/her partner regarding the degree of closeness one has with a "friend"

SO and Really close friends
http://www.revscene.net/forums/so-an...y-t548045.html

In the example above, it was a girl having a close guy friend. In all fairness, considering the consenus on the above thread and with the situation reversed, the guy should show consideration to his girl and back off.

That being said, I'd say the girlfriend is justified.
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Old 02-04-2009, 02:25 AM   #6
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my point was more that what this friend 'saw' could have been completely innocent, both by the girl doing it and the guy, but the friend read too much into it
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Old 02-04-2009, 04:57 AM   #7
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this guy doesn't really like you or treat you seriously. I smell potential cheating material

1) if a guy cares about your feeling, he calls you before he's going with a female
2) not going to act in a way OTHER people will misinterprete it.
3) flip out and pull out the trust card.
4) should have brought you out as well.

I see the guys above are defending your bf, if I were your bf I would do 1-4 without
missing one...so take my advice as a different perspective
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Old 02-05-2009, 02:36 AM   #8
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trust is earned through actions.

trust is earned after they've repeatedly proven they are trust worthy, you can't go around just giving trust to everyone, you'll get burnt.
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Old 02-05-2009, 09:46 AM   #9
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Last edited by Care; 09-08-2009 at 01:35 PM.
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Old 02-05-2009, 11:15 AM   #10
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+1

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma View Post
trust is earned through actions.

trust is earned after they've repeatedly proven they are trust worthy, you can't go around just giving trust to everyone, you'll get burnt.

I agree with you 100%.
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Old 02-05-2009, 03:09 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by asian_XL View Post
this guy doesn't really like you or treat you seriously. I smell potential cheating material

1) if a guy cares about your feeling, he calls you before he's going with a female
2) not going to act in a way OTHER people will misinterprete it.
3) flip out and pull out the trust card.
4) should have brought you out as well.

I see the guys above are defending your bf, if I were your bf I would do 1-4 without
missing one...so take my advice as a different perspective
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma View Post
trust is earned through actions.

trust is earned after they've repeatedly proven they are trust worthy, you can't go around just giving trust to everyone, you'll get burnt.
+1
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Old 02-05-2009, 03:20 PM   #12
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he was caught red handed,
so unless your friend was lying to you, you have every right to not trust him
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Old 02-05-2009, 07:11 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asian_XL View Post
this guy doesn't really like you or treat you seriously. I smell potential cheating material

1) if a guy cares about your feeling, he calls you before he's going with a female
2) not going to act in a way OTHER people will misinterprete it.
3) flip out and pull out the trust card.
4) should have brought you out as well.

I see the guys above are defending your bf, if I were your bf I would do 1-4 without
missing one...so take my advice as a different perspective
Quote:
Originally Posted by Care View Post
+1

The biggest way to tell is a guy is a cheater is if he flips out and over-reacts instead of questioning you and being calm.

If I accused the OP of robbing a bank right now, she wouldn't get defensive because she didn't do it. The bf has something to hide and that's a bad place to be in a relationship. I hope you don't learn the hard way, like I did
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Originally Posted by SimplyComplex View Post
+1
-1 everyone reacts differently. I've never cheated on a gf but if i got accused or even anything close to it i'd get mad too. especially if its cause of her lame friend who has always hated me. cause there is always one friend that wont like you.
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Old 02-05-2009, 07:56 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asian_XL View Post
this guy doesn't really like you or treat you seriously. I smell potential cheating material

1) if a guy cares about your feeling, he calls you before he's going with a female
2) not going to act in a way OTHER people will misinterprete it.
3) flip out and pull out the trust card.
4) should have brought you out as well.

I see the guys above are defending your bf, if I were your bf I would do 1-4 without
missing one...so take my advice as a different perspective
RIGHT on

dump him. WAIT no, bitch him the fuck out first, then dump him
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Old 02-06-2009, 09:47 AM   #15
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-1 everyone reacts differently. I've never cheated on a gf but if i got accused or even anything close to it i'd get mad too. especially if its cause of her lame friend who has always hated me. cause there is always one friend that wont like you.
Dude, I know what you mean and this does happen. But why do you have the tendency to always bank on special cases to justify your ideology.

Isn't it more logical to bank on: Res Ipsa Loquitur > Special cases
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Old 02-06-2009, 03:36 PM   #16
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i cannot stand people who assume that everyone will move and act in certain ways. action 'a' happens so it HAS to be 'B' thats causing it. thats not the way life is for the most part. theres an infinite number of things that could be the cause. yeah sometimes it is what you think, but sometimes, its something totally innocent. i just hate to see some guy get dumped by his gf but cause she is overly paranoid and cant handle it.
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:00 PM   #17
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i cannot stand people who assume that everyone will move and act in certain ways. action 'a' happens so it HAS to be 'B' thats causing it. thats not the way life is for the most part. theres an infinite number of things that could be the cause. yeah sometimes it is what you think, but sometimes, its something totally innocent. i just hate to see some guy get dumped by his gf but cause she is overly paranoid and cant handle it.
For the most part I agree with this..
Do you have a history of not trusting him?
Maybe he flipped out at you because he feels frustrated that he's always having to reassure you that he's not a cheater
Maybe your friend's definition of touchy feely is overly exaggerated, I have friends that like to exaggerate things 10x worse than they
actually are..

I think more information is needed before we can go and say "yeah, he's guilty dump his ass"
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:03 PM   #18
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edit: doublepost

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Old 02-06-2009, 04:10 PM   #19
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i just hate to see some guy get dumped by his gf but cause she is overly paranoid and cant handle it.
On the same perspective on the opposite end of the scale, I'd hate for an individual to endure a lengthy time on a cheating partner because despite the signals of common sense, the cheating partner always gets the benefit of the doubt for the excuses.

What irks me these days is that people just don't let common sense prevail and let things speak for itself. The trust card, once achieved in a relationship, is something to be maintained. It is neither a Free Pass nor a Get Out of Jail Free card. So I would be really cautious amongst individuals that like to use this certain argument as to get one's way.

And as stated that "Trust" is something to be maintained, just because Trust has already been achieved, doesn't mean that one no longer has to compromise anymore, make sacrifices, nor should be careful, cautious, and aware of how one's actions are perceived. Courtesy still applies.

Last edited by Noir; 02-06-2009 at 04:19 PM.
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:57 PM   #20
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On the same perspective on the opposite end of the scale, I'd hate for an individual to endure a lengthy time on a cheating partner because despite the signals of common sense, the cheating partner always gets the benefit of the doubt for the excuses.

What irks me these days is that people just don't let common sense prevail and let things speak for itself. The trust card, once achieved in a relationship, is something to be maintained. It is neither a Free Pass nor a Get Out of Jail Free card. So I would be really cautious amongst individuals that like to use this certain argument as to get one's way.

And as stated that "Trust" is something to be maintained, just because Trust has already been achieved, doesn't mean that one no longer has to compromise anymore, make sacrifices, nor should be careful, cautious, and aware of how one's actions are perceived. Courtesy still applies.
i agree with you in principle its just I know too many people who never act on fact but let their 'gut' guide them. i 'think' this, im 'pretty' sure that. i 'almost' know for certain that _____ . i just dont like when people act off their emotions or off of things they think but cant back up. she's basing her actions off some out of context contact that she didnt even see with her own eyes.

i'll admit, yeah, the dude could be cheating. him and that girl could be fucking like rabits and laughing at the op the whole time. but from what i've read you cant really come to that conclusion. all you know is that two people are close friends. two people of the opposite sex can be friends without fucking.

though to clarify. in the op, does the poster mean that the girl is the same girl that her bf is friends with and acts all flirty around, or is this a different girl. i assumed its the same girl else why bring up the first girl at all, but i could be wrong.

though like i said, I agree on the surface of it. but not everyone can differentiate between paranoia and common sense, especially when feelings are involved.
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Old 02-06-2009, 05:05 PM   #21
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though like i said, I agree on the surface of it. but not everyone can differentiate between paranoia and common sense, especially when feelings are involved.
In that respect, if the guy values or prioritized his gf more than a friend, shouldn't he give her the benefit of the courtesy as opposed to the friend?

It's not like the situation is requiring him to give up friends completely, but instead, just tone down the content a little. Be a little bit more wary of their surroundings. Things that you could get away with before, maybe shouldn't apply now considering his new cirucmstances and that now he has a relationship to maintain.
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Old 02-06-2009, 06:34 PM   #22
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In that respect, if the guy values or prioritized his gf more than a friend, shouldn't he give her the benefit of the courtesy as opposed to the friend?

It's not like the situation is requiring him to give up friends completely, but instead, just tone down the content a little. Be a little bit more wary of their surroundings. Things that you could get away with before, maybe shouldn't apply now considering his new cirucmstances and that now he has a relationship to maintain.
fair enough but who likes being censored or having to second guess themselves especially when their girl isn't even there. i've always been a supporter of people being themselves and not changing for people too much. yes a relationship is a two way street and doing something you know your gf wont like is counter productive, but the only reason this was a problem was because he was caught...i dont even know. maybe hugging some other girl? maybe had his arm around her? I dont think I would stop doing that.

Its like if a girl starts asking you to stop smoking. sure i'll stop smoking around you but im not going to stop doing something i enjoy. he shouldnt have to stop hanging with his friends or treat them different. they're his friends. he knew them first. imagine if one of your female friends was out and you went to give her a hug and she said "sorry, my bf would really get upset by that." you'd probably think the guy is some kind of nazi and the girl has some self esteem issues.

i can see both sides. you dont want your bf/gf getting to affectionate with other people of the same gender, but on the other hand, you also cant stop it from happening. if this guy wants to keep doing that he will. and if he gets caught again, he'll have every right to get mad. doesnt mean he's not cheating again.

but all things considered, i havent been in a relationship for awhile, so I forgot how it feels
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Old 02-09-2009, 01:26 AM   #23
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this guy doesn't really like you or treat you seriously. I smell potential cheating material

1) if a guy cares about your feeling, he calls you before he's going with a female
2) not going to act in a way OTHER people will misinterprete it.
3) flip out and pull out the trust card.
4) should have brought you out as well.

I see the guys above are defending your bf, if I were your bf I would do 1-4 without
missing one...so take my advice as a different perspective
ok 1-3 to an extent is understandable... if you do 4 regardless of situation, i think you're just whipped...

Quote:
i cannot stand people who assume that everyone will move and act in certain ways. action 'a' happens so it HAS to be 'B' thats causing it. thats not the way life is for the most part. theres an infinite number of things that could be the cause. yeah sometimes it is what you think, but sometimes, its something totally innocent. i just hate to see some guy get dumped by his gf but cause she is overly paranoid and cant handle it.
You friend wasn't there. She didn't hear the conversation... her interpretation can wildly differ from yours. But dont' get me wrong, as your frd, she' slooking out for you and that's great, but before assuming anything, COLLECT DATA PLEASE.

I have had so many frds get into ptless arugments becaues they have 1 minor fact which they then think is an encyclopedia of truths about the guy.

Instead of confronting him right away (again), maybe you should find out more...
Also, if you already have this much distrust about him, you should really re evaluate the relationship.

*NOTE: I only read half of waht was posted before i responded.
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Old 02-16-2009, 02:18 PM   #24
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the best way to solve it is to get ur bf out and ur frd out and justify the truth...it may not be the best solution for ur relationship w/ him but it will definately clear things up and solve this problem...but after u solve the problem u mite encounter a loss of feelings from him towards u or vise versa...so it's all in ur hands to wat to do...just depends how u want the outcome to be, i mean if u love him i say just drop it unless u want a needle in ur relationship w/ him..
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Old 02-16-2009, 05:08 PM   #25
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What people say here may be right, or may be wrong. I dont know. But i can say i went thru something VERY MUCH LIKE THAT.
Girl all over bf, hanging out all the time, text/call and i accused him of not being committed enough. He flipped, then i broke up with him.
now that i look at it, they never even dated. Or anything, i dont think. Some girls are just like that and guys react differently to different girls. They might seem "closer" to some and not to others, mainly cause there's some sort of "attraction", and not attraction in a lovey-dovey way or anything, but attraction as in maybe he's interested in something she does, or the way she acts.
I mean, isn't that how we all judge people and decide whether we want to get to know them better or talk more with them or not?
Just because it's your boyfriend who's in this situation doesnt make it any different from a guy who's not ur bf cause u just dont pay much attention to it.
You're over reacting imo, just let it loose and dont get worked up over it. Unless someone catches him in the action of kissing/holding hands/going to hotel or WHATEVER, then confront him. Accusing him of not being loyal and trustworthy now will just make matters worse in the long run, and quickly too.
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