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The thin line between love and hate
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Old 03-15-2009, 10:59 AM   #1
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[Confidential] Family Issues


The following is a submission from an Anonymous Revscene member. If the original poster would like to reply to this thread feel free to message me privately


Alright I'm not sure how to go about this, or if there's even any right way to resolve things. I'll start from the beginning and post anything that I can remember..I'll try to keep it as short as I can for the 95% of you that have a hard time reading more than one paragraph.

So my "happy" family of 4 is falling apart, and has been doing so slowly for the past couple years. This whole problem really revolves around my dad and my younger brother. My mom and I are basically the peacemarkers.My dad and brother are unbelievably stubborn which makes this situation even harder to deal with.

Some background info:Now, my brother has some attitude problems, and my dad has many problems. Mainly not being able to admit that he's wrong and apologizing to the people that I'm assuming mean the most to him; his family.

For the past 4 months my brother and father have no t said a word to each other. I'd bet every penny I have this is because of the way my dad deals with things my brother does wrong. Numerous times he's threatened to kick him out, said hurtful things and numerous times my dad has left the house for a week or more because his family fails to agree with the way he deals with things. In most of these situations, a simple "I'm sorry" would have solved everything.

So fast forward to last friday, I'm not home, I'm in Vancouver. Some argument breaks out between my mom and brother, brother curses and yells and obviously my dad doesnt like this, so he storms over and tells him to get out, goes downstairs and takes his key away. My brother packs up a few things and walks up to his friend's house (at 2am). He doesnt realize that his key is gone until the next day (I think). I've spoken to my brother and he wants to come hom.

So now there's a dilemna. He doesnt make enough money to support himself, he can't just bum off of friends forever because majority of them still live at home as well.

Parents arent speaking for whatever reason, even I'm not sure why. I'm guessing my dad is mad because my mom doesnt agree with kicking him out, and neither do I. What my dad fails to realize is that instead of dealing with the problem head on, he just thinks its easier to get rid of it (my brother)

My dad refuses to go to family counselling because like I said earlier, his way is the only way. Nobody else's opinion matters.

I've spoken to my mom about this and she's basically telling me that if the intent is to keep my brother out for good, she's going to leave my dad. She refuses to let her son be out there alone. I dont blame her, but at the same time I'd like to try to keep my family together.

Overally my parents have a good marriage, but this one problem has been lingering for years and has never fully been resolved. Mostly due to the fact my dad can't admit he's wrong.

Has anyone been in this type of situation before?
How have you dealt with it?
Like I said this problem has been around for a couple years, I'm usually the middle man who's neutral with everyone. But to be honest I'm getting a little tired of having to referee my family.

Help please..

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Old 03-15-2009, 12:48 PM   #2
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This is pretty sad, and I'm sure that most of us here can't offer real advise as this situation is complicated. My suggestion is to bring a family counselor to your house. Speak to your mom and brother and make sure their ok with this, and then set up a time when you know your parents will be home and make sure your brother comes by the house and have the counselor meet you their.
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Old 03-15-2009, 02:43 PM   #3
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dad's are all like that. i think majority of asian dads are like this. the chinese term is being a "big man" which is very sexest in that they dont have to lift a finger and just dictate. my own dad is like this, and no matter how old you are, how much you have accomplished, its not enough and will never equate to you as an adult or to his level.

younger brother sounds like he has some emotional expression issues, probably due to how the family is. most asian families lack in the emotional support end, substituding it with money.

i doubt u can get the dad and family to go in for councilling. to him, he will see it as failure, and if u ignore it, it didnt happen type mentality. acknowledging there is a problem is acknowledging failure.

my suggestion, go with ur mom to talk to ur brother. maybe bring some stuff out in the open. mother son relationship tends to be stronger than a father son relationship. you can try to mediate best you can.
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Old 03-15-2009, 03:35 PM   #4
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yes "dai lam yun" come to mind, ur dad's personality will never admit wrong, and it's his personality so i think he can change now that he's so long into his life. maybe instead of changing ur dad, try working with ur brother and hopefully help him work arnd ur dad as to not piss him off anymore?
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Old 03-15-2009, 04:55 PM   #5
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dad's are all like that. i think majority of asian dads are like this.
+1. In fact, I would even take it as far as Parent's in general. So your Bro's problem isn't really extraordinary.

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So now there's a dilemna. He doesnt make enough money to support himself, he can't just bum off of friends forever because majority of them still live at home as well.
That says its all right there.

For a guy who's been there, done that. Problem is much better solved if the "Bro" swallows his pride and accept things as they way they are. It's natural and he's no exception. And he's not in a position for his ego to call the shots.

If you want your "Bro" to feel better about his situation, just give him the comfort that it's really up to his own discretion when to move out and live his life on HIS own terms. He could move out in his early 20's or be like those guys who don't move out intil in the 30's.

But if he so chooses to move out earlier, then all he's waiting on is just a couple more years, depending how his life & income progresses. But that depends on him and how much he wants it. Lest he be one of those that expect things to be handed to him.
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Old 03-15-2009, 10:41 PM   #6
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dad's are all like that. i think majority of asian dads are like this. the chinese term is being a "big man" which is very sexest in that they dont have to lift a finger and just dictate. my own dad is like this, and no matter how old you are, how much you have accomplished, its not enough and will never equate to you as an adult or to his level.

my suggestion, go with ur mom to talk to ur brother. maybe bring some stuff out in the open. mother son relationship tends to be stronger than a father son relationship. you can try to mediate best you can.
I would have to agree about the asian dads...and the part where your mom should talk to your brother.

IMO....your dad is your dad, he wants what is best for you(although not always right). Sometimes its best to do what they want just to please them, and i don't know if cursing/yelling in your parents house is such a good idea. I don't know the down lo rules of your house but my dad makes the final decision in my house...if you don't listen then...gtfo (never went againts him tho so i wouldn't know). Asian families (atleast mine) are usually taught with full respect to their parents, so...this is usually not a big issue. If i were you i'd tell your brother to cooperate since he IS still living in the house, if he disagree then do so, but theres no need to make a commotion and spark up the fire into a bigger one. Then maybe after your dad "cools-down" try to talk to him as a family. I mean it probably wouldn't get to him instantly, but trying to talk to a stubborn person is extremely difficult and requires a lot of patience. Considering that your dad is the head of the family, your self, mom and your brother is the one that should be patient with your dad.
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Old 03-15-2009, 11:31 PM   #7
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asian dads are stubborn. I know cuz ive got one.
Ive gotten into so many arguments in the past with him before. You name it, throwing things, yelling, cursing, punching holes in the wall, running away, shoving him down, getting cops involved, ive done it.
Like many here have said, they wont change. Theyve been the way they are for so many years of their lives that theyre just programed to function like that. And asian dads who were not born or maybe even brought up here in the western culture most likely wouldnt accept any sort of counseling as a "treatment".

Back then when i was younger, i hated my dad. but now that im older, i realize that i'll only have one dad. So ive learned to just accept him for the way he is.
Yeah....his way of doing things may not always seem right/acceptable to me, but its not hurting anyone, and he only wants the best for me.
The way i try to deal with not having to argue with my dad now is that i just keep telling myself that i dont want to turn into him in anyway possible. I just have to keep my self cool and not be so hot headed.

Anyways, to keep me from rambling on and on about my situation. Just accept him for who is is, and why he might be that way. Other than that, just try to adjust YOURSELF in dealing with him.
Its either that or to rebel with him and move out on your own and not deal with it. In your case, your parents can get a divorce and you and your bro can live with your mom.

hope that helps
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Old 03-15-2009, 11:45 PM   #8
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time to bring intervention
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Old 03-15-2009, 11:54 PM   #9
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here's a question -

AGE- I think thats too important of a key to leave out. If he's 14-16, well then...then it's just your brother going through the rebellious phase.

Age is to key of a factor to determine wtf is the right course of action, and how do you know they are asian btw?? lol Revscene = Asianscene?
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:16 AM   #10
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Sounds like your dad is the type of person who wont realize what is wrong until shit really hits the fan (ie: wife leaves, children follows suit). He probably wont realize what's at stake until he lost it.

Don't bear any resentment if your mother does decide to leave. It's her right to think of her own happiness as well. The only problem I would consider is how she could support herself and you guys.

How old is your brother anyways? If he's a minor, isn't there a law that goes against abandoning your child? It's the parent's responsibility to provide necessities etc. Your mom should physically bring your brother back... even if its against the words of your dad. The chances of separation is based on the chances your dad will be willing to change. And honestly, if he's that stubborn and traditional, the odds aren't great. As for your brother, if he is a minor and in his rebellous phase, he needs a slap. There are times I have acted out and turned on my parents when I was young, thinking that I was right and they were wrong but now I realize they were right and I deserved the punishments. Your bro should acknowledge his wrongs and just learn to man up infront of your dad. Hit the road when he's financially stable in the future. The dysfunctional aspects of your family has probably taken affect on him... you probably should correct and tend to him now.

I hope your mom is strongwilled to take all of this. Btw, being neutral is just an way to escape the problem. Has your dad expressed any intention to leave as well? Having your mom bring it to the table might be the biggest punch in the face.
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:46 AM   #11
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ive had to deal wit problems like this throughout my childhood. my bro and i found the solution n that was to be the bigger persons and swollow absolutely everything we have on our minds when they (our parents) say shit to us that we dont agree with. this is the difficult part. no one likes to admit their wrong when really they are right, but sometimes the only way to resolve these typa situations is to stfu and take it in. sure theres alot of resentment within but its alot better than to leave the rest of the family broken. like think about it, if ure brother wud just stop being a princess and suck it up, he wudnt ruin his entire family.. u shud talk to him and reason wit him. approach the subject matter with caution. sympathize wit him n say stuff like- i disagree wit what dads doing but ur both at fault, hes not gna change but you can..... etc etc..
hope this help, good luck
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:52 AM   #12
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Sounds like your dad is the type of person who wont realize what is wrong until shit really hits the fan (ie: wife leaves, children follows suit). He probably wont realize what's at stake until he lost it.

Don't bear any resentment if your mother does decide to leave. It's her right to think of her own happiness as well. The only problem I would consider is how she could support herself and you guys.
I think this is just sabre rattling at its best. I'm guessing its just your typical family drama and I wouldn't take any of it seriously. Of course, I'm basing this on the knowledge that marriages don't disintegrate solely due to disagrements in child rearing.

The funny thing is, in retrospect, what worked for my parents were the good cop/bad cop routine. They always supported each other in regards to discipline but they always employed that approach so it always had a hint of affection with it. Looking back, it wasn't always perfect, but it worked enough in the end when we all grew up.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:20 AM   #13
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I agree with gtr 34. the most important thing is age.

If he's 16, well...y'know what...life's unfair. if you're not happy about the way he treats you while at the same time providing a roof over your shoulder...tough. i mean, c'mon. he's been your dad for the past however many years. it's not like he all of a sudden snapped into this unapologetic authoritarian right? so...assuming you're asian...i guess the saying would be ''ja gang jow maang'' strangle neck, to compromise life.

if your bro is 25...well same. except he does have the option to move out. if he doesnt make enough money, well...it appears that's no longer your dad's problem anymore....so it rests solely on his shoulders.
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Old 03-16-2009, 07:53 AM   #14
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I agree with gtr 34. the most important thing is age.

If he's 16, well...y'know what...life's unfair. if you're not happy about the way he treats you while at the same time providing a roof over your shoulder...tough. i mean, c'mon. he's been your dad for the past however many years. it's not like he all of a sudden snapped into this unapologetic authoritarian right? so...assuming you're asian...i guess the saying would be ''ja gang jow maang'' strangle neck, to compromise life.

if your bro is 25...well same. except he does have the option to move out. if he doesnt make enough money, well...it appears that's no longer your dad's problem anymore....so it rests solely on his shoulders.


since your parents are providing a roof over his head, he shoudd stfu and swallow it. There's nothing wrong with speaking your mind when u dont agree but your dad will have the final say on what goes as long as your bro is living under his roof. Thats just life. 2 options, 1. stay home and stfu, 2. move out and make your own rules
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Old 03-16-2009, 09:59 AM   #15
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since your parents are providing a roof over his head, he shoudd stfu and swallow it. There's nothing wrong with speaking your mind when u dont agree but your dad will have the final say on what goes as long as your bro is living under his roof. Thats just life. 2 options, 1. stay home and stfu, 2. move out and make your own rules
+1

There certain times where you should speak your mind but to a point.. the kid should learn to stfu lol
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Old 03-16-2009, 11:05 AM   #16
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+1

House rules, your bro is gonna have to live with the rules your dad has, especially if he's still too young.
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:11 PM   #17
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haha, some good comments made, but some comments are complete dead ends.

- intervention? u serious? ill bet the dad will get so worked up, he will start a fight with everyone in the room. if he ends up in jail, he will just come out even more bitter, and blame the whole family for putting him there. asian dads, everyone else is wrong.

like everyone said that can relate, asian dads are just like that. try swollowing up ur pride and just walking away. in my case, my dad will bring the arguement with him. you walk away, he will walk towards you. how to deal with this? no real way honestly. my solution was to win at his game. make him feel small. If he argues, you argue with so much supporting arguments that his case for arguing becomes absolutely wrong. The rule in the household is prepare for a fight if its been 3 days already since the last one.

So all you can really do is talk to ur brother, get him to just toughen it out. and try to avoid the dad best you can. get ur mom involved, moms and sons have a better relationship and understanding.

everyone hates my dad, i literally mean everyone, including his own mother (my grandma, whom past away just last year). His brothers, his sisters, all hate him. He's made it so our family is alienated from the rest of the family. We are forbidden to talk to our cousins, but i do it anyways. =)
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:14 PM   #18
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I had the exact same situation, except I've also been the rebellious one as well.

My only suggestion is to have your brother come back, and have a talk with your dad.

Your dad will only be able to AJUST, not CHANGE the way he deals. Something will have to be worked out - a compromise of sorts.

Your brother has to quit his shit. IMMEDIATELY. I realize ppl go through phases, however,
he is a CAUSE of the problem more than your father.

He (your brother) will need to take some time to prove to everyone inthe family that he can maintain his shit. if he's older than 16, then he should be able to get a job to support himself at a baseline.

I've left home b4. I have.

Good luck. PM me if u need more advice. I know exactly what you're going through
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:18 PM   #19
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This better not be Xbox related.
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:48 PM   #20
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This better not be Xbox related.
LOL - i lol'ed @ work. Yet so mean.

OP - What is the age?

Family issues (we all have them, literally - every single one of us, no one does not have problems with their families.)

If you're 20 and below, suck it up - till you're done school. (Even if you're having these huge blow ups, i bet your dad still paying for all your essential needs.)

If you're 21 and above - GTFO - you can support yourself, no matter how meager our style of living might be.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:46 PM   #21
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It not just Asian dads, my dad is Caucasian and has never been wrong about anything in his life, just ask him. Like said above your brother needs to talk to your dad because it's the only way to smooth things over.

I work with my dad now and I see him at least 5 days week. Most of the time things are not to bad but believe me we get into from time to time. I no longer take his bullshit then again I own my own house and have my own family so at the end of the day I can go home and get away from him. My dad lives his life looking for fights so I usually just nod and agree or sit there and take it. The best way I can describe my relationship with my dad is like Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. from OCC we get the same blow ups at least once a month.

At the end of the day your parents care about you and words will fix all. Sometimes we have to just bite our lip and conform for the greater good even when we know the other person is in the wrong.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:53 PM   #22
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The best way I can describe my relationship with my dad is like Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. from OCC we get the same blow ups at least once a month.
haha, oh shit lol
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:03 PM   #23
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oh man same shit in my family... cept i was the younger fella. We never really delt with anything we put it off and put it off. I would not advise this, u all need to sit down and talk (i know this is much harder than it sounds) but i honestly think its a case of every1 growing up. Good luck i know how hard these situations can be.
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:56 PM   #24
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start growing the mustache and see if ur dad gets the hints!

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It not just Asian dads, my dad is Caucasian and has never been wrong about anything in his life, just ask him. Like said above your brother needs to talk to your dad because it's the only way to smooth things over.

I work with my dad now and I see him at least 5 days week. Most of the time things are not to bad but believe me we get into from time to time. I no longer take his bullshit then again I own my own house and have my own family so at the end of the day I can go home and get away from him. My dad lives his life looking for fights so I usually just nod and agree or sit there and take it. The best way I can describe my relationship with my dad is like Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. from OCC we get the same blow ups at least once a month.

At the end of the day your parents care about you and words will fix all. Sometimes we have to just bite our lip and conform for the greater good even when we know the other person is in the wrong.
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Old 03-16-2009, 05:12 PM   #25
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The following is a reply from the Anonymous member


Thanks to everyone for their replies, to update the situation, I talked with my parents on friday, I sat them both down and we spent about 1.5 hours talking, and of course they argued a bit but with me there playing referee things stayed somewhat calm.

I told my dad that I had talked to my brother (who agrees that his attitude needs to change, and that he needs to help everyone out around the house a little more.) However it seems that all my dad really cares about is whether or not my brother helps out, even though he says thats not it..

But you guys are right, even though at this point it seems like my dad will never change, my brother should just suck it up and accept it since he is the one living under a roof which is being provided to him.

For those wondering, my brother is turning 19 next week
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