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-   -   [Confidential] In love and insecure (https://www.revscene.net/forums/568219-%5Bconfidential%5D-love-insecure.html)

Orion 03-16-2009 01:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoneThug (Post 6332316)
this is kinda bs too. i bet you hide things from your bf all the time that are harmless. i take some of my female friends out to dinner all the time. i think of them as my little sisters. I might not tell everyone I'm doing it though. For me they have a pretty high priority. gf's come and go but those girls will be my friends forever. I've ditched a gf to hang out with my fem friends. I lied about it too. didnt fuck them. most of them have boy friends.
agree... there's a few things things to keep in mind here..

cheating on you and losing interest in this case maybe two totally different things. From the looks of it he's not actually cheating as he and the girl isn't haven't much of a relationship besides being friends... and even then it seems like the girl shy'd him off a year ago...

now is he losing interest? it could be that way or not... humans tend to fluctuate through emotions... maybe he's just not that attached to you at the moment... and its natual for people to dislike change thus not wanting to break it off with you...

Noir 03-16-2009 01:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoneThug (Post 6332314)
thats pretty bad advice. just cause one guy did it to you doesnt mean every guy should be treated as guilty until proved innocent. just cause you thought it and it was right, doesnt mean that every time someone thinks it they should assume said thought is correct. that doesnt make any sense.
No. It's pretty sound IMO.

Gut feelings aren't borne out of presedence alone. Gut feelings are one's conclusion based on the deduction of many factoring variables.

Although its noble to always give the benefit of doubt to humanity's good nature, to advise one to completely disregard signs and indications of risk and danger is actually quite contrary to helping. And given the circumstances the OP finds herself in, those are quite formidable signs and indications.

aurorastone 03-16-2009 02:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoneThug (Post 6332316)
this is kinda bs too. i bet you hide things from your bf all the time that are harmless. i take some of my female friends out to dinner all the time. i think of them as my little sisters. I might not tell everyone I'm doing it though. For me they have a pretty high priority. gf's come and go but those girls will be my friends forever. I've ditched a gf to hang out with my fem friends. I lied about it too. didnt fuck them. most of them have boy friends.
Your SO and friends should be on the same level at the very least. If you have to lie to your GF to go out with your female friends, there are probably very serious trust/communication issues in your relationship.

Back to the OP...every situation is different, but from what you described so far and from not knowing anything else about your relationship, it does seem like he's losing interest in you in general (could or could not be because of someone else). I say think carefully whether or not you want to be with this person. You don't want to waste your time on an unhealthy relationship.

BoneThug 03-16-2009 02:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noir (Post 6332335)
No. It's pretty sound IMO.

Gut feelings aren't borne out of presedence alone. Gut feelings are one's conclusion based on the deduction of many factoring variables.

Although its noble to always give the benefit of doubt to humanity's good nature, to advise one to completely disregard signs and indications of risk and danger is actually quite contrary to helping. And given the circumstances the OP finds herself in, those are quite formidable signs and indications.
i'm not saying to ignore all gut feelings but acting on them alone is just letting random paranoia get the better of a person. and just cause one person does something doesnt mean the next will act the same way. if a person lives that way they will never be able to trust anyone. its just a matter of time before for some reason they start to get paranoid and then dissolve the relationship. their has to be some real basis for action before acting. in the op's case there kind of is, but that doesnt mean it should be applied for every situation in the future.

saucywoman 03-16-2009 02:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoneThug (Post 6332370)
i'm not saying to ignore all gut feelings but acting on them alone is just letting random paranoia get the better of a person. and just cause one person does something doesnt mean the next will act the same way. if a person lives that way they will never be able to trust anyone. its just a matter of time before for some reason they start to get paranoid and then dissolve the relationship. their has to be some real basis for action before acting. in the op's case there kind of is, but that doesnt mean it should be applied for every situation in the future.
sorry I didn't mean rely solely on gut feeling alone. I guess though if the person is constantly suspicious it will wreck the relationship anyhow.

ecchiecchi 03-16-2009 02:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grandmaster TSE (Post 6332326)
i don't think that is true
there are plenty of instances out there where a guy goes out with girls all the time with no intention of sleeping with them.

let say there is intention, doesn't mean he'll do it. its nice sometimes just to catch up with people, and even if there is a sexual attraction, he will try to control it because he already is with someone

maybe not the case for everyone, but sometimes you gotta trust each other
Read my reply to Graeme
Quote:
What I'm trying to say is in the situation of the guy pestering a girl for a date (one-sided), my statement will mostly probably be the case. A guy will never be so persistent with a girl if he didn't like her
As I said- letting the gf know won't really do any harm. Keeping it from her and her finding out about it will only spawn doubts. It only takes doubt to destroy trust.

I've gone out with a group of girls before and I let my GF know about it early on. She was a bit reluctant but she let me go anyways. Now if I never told her about it and she found out later on, wouldn't that be more grounds for problems?

Sorry, I'd rather take the safe route- I don't see any benefits from hiding it and I consider my gf important enough to actually tell her these things before hand.

When your SO starts to spawn reasons for doubt- "you gotta trust each other" is just being ignorant and it doesn't solve anything. You have to have a reason to trust and your SO has to earn that trust. How easy you hand trust out is up to you.

joolee 03-16-2009 03:07 PM
honestly, when a guy or a girl gets all defensive or irritated by simple questions, something's up. it's most likely because you're right and they don't want to discuss it. it happened to me a lot of times lol

Noir 03-16-2009 04:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywoman (Post 6332389)
I guess though if the person is constantly suspicious it will wreck the relationship anyhow.
IMO, barring cases of extreme paranoia, doubts only arise when one is given reason to be suspicious.

Though not everyone deserves to live a life walking on eggshells, it would also do well for people to remember, there are varying degrees to suspicion; and appropriately varying degrees of severity; and appropriate varying degrees of recourse.

Like take one example:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ecchiecchi (Post 6332443)
I've gone out with a group of girls before and I let my GF know about it early on. She was a bit reluctant but she let me go anyways. Now if I never told her about it and she found out later on, wouldn't that be more grounds for problems?

Sorry, I'd rather take the safe route- I don't see any benefits from hiding it and I consider my gf important enough to actually tell her these things before hand.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd rank it as 1 or 2. Seriously no big deal. The circumstances the OP is subjected to would be high like 7 or 8. With that conclusion, it does warrant some things for her benefit.

Just my opinion though

BabyblooLexus 03-16-2009 04:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Draft (Post 6330398)
You know what they say, if they get all defensive usually they're hiding something.
exactly what i was thinking.
i suspect he DOES have feelings for that chick still. why wud he ask her to coffee and not mention it to u? and when u bring it up he gets all defensive? ...i say somethings up

BoneThug 03-16-2009 04:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywoman (Post 6332389)
sorry I didn't mean rely solely on gut feeling alone. I guess though if the person is constantly suspicious it will wreck the relationship anyhow.
fair enough

_Hotsauce_ 03-16-2009 09:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Los Bastardo (Post 6330079)

The following is a submission from an Anonymous Revscene member. If the original poster would like to reply to this thread feel free to message me privately

I've recently been feeling very insecure about my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I'm starting to believe he is only with me because he couldn't get the girl he actually wanted. But I'm not sure.

Before we dated, there was this girl who was much prettier and funner than I am that he always showed interest in. He realized she was out of his league and me and him started hanging out a lot and kicked it off. Once in awhile during our relationship he would try to contact her (I'm assuming just in a friendly way) but she brushed him off so he stopped (that was a year ago).

Fast forward up to recently, he doesn't show much sexual interest in me and wanted to see me less and less. When I asked him why there's this change he flipped out and said I was asking a dumb question and said he doesn't see any change at all. He apologized shortly after that saying he was in a bad mood that day.

Just a week ago when I was at his house, I couldn't help it even though I thought it was wrong to look through his stuff. I checked his text message history on his phone, he texted her asking how she was and if they could go for coffee. Then on his facebook he did the same too. So finally I asked him yesterday if he had someone else on his mind, told him how I felt our relationship was going downhill and said I really wanted to do something if there is anything I could do. He then raised his voice and said I should stop being insecure and just trust him. He said he is with me and not anyone else and kept asking me why suddenly after almost 2 years I'm being suspicious. We decided to not talk for a few days after that.

I'm here feeling frustrated, confused, insecure. He said he doesn't want to end the relationship and as for me I don't want to end it either. I asked and all I got was an argument implying that he doesn't have anyone in his mind. But I don't know...any advice on what I should do next or comments on what you think he might be thinking?
He likes men now.

Lil Bastrd 03-17-2009 11:24 AM
Trust your gut. I would have trusted your gut before snooping and told him what you were feeling. Now your checking up on him is going to cause more issues as no one wants to feel like they are being monitored. Men are just like women and some will stay in/hang on to a relationship until a new one has started. That way if the other women rejects them they have someone there to fall back on. I would let him know how you feel in regards to her and him. If he truly is "with you" and no one else then he will listen and take work with you on a compromise. Think about what you expect of him before you talk to him though, that way if he asks what you want him to do you know, and be honest.

kwanzor 03-17-2009 11:42 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ecchiecchi (Post 6332222)
hmm- i don't think a guy in a relationship would ever want to meet a girl alone strictly as friends.
Wrong

BoneThug 03-17-2009 11:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by aurorastone (Post 6332367)
Your SO and friends should be on the same level at the very least. If you have to lie to your GF to go out with your female friends, there are probably very serious trust/communication issues in your relationship.
probably, but ideally i section off everything/everyone. every group of friends is independent from the others. a gf may have some parts of my life that she'd see but then others that are still mine. this way, if something cataclysmic happens to one, everything else is still dandy.

so if its about something harmless, i dont see the problem with lying. if i tell her im going to hang out with my friends and then go down to the animal shelter to help abandoned and tortured animals, who cares. I dont have to tell anyone everything im doing. and I HIGHLY doubt any of the girls i've been with has been 100% honest with me about everything either. i dont think they've ever tried to back stab me, but everyone has secrets. most of them are harmless, so who cares.

that and i do have some kinda weird and hard to explain relationships with some of my female friends. but they are non sexual, so not any specific girls business.

6793026 03-17-2009 01:01 PM
if you two are really open with each other, talk to you bf and tell him you are NOT concerned, but it is making you uncomfortable.

Now, if you two are really cool and he admits there's nothing wrong, the ask him to have a meeting for all you three together as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less, but insist that you want to see her too if he doesn't think there is anything between them. (offer him that all u wanted is just to meet her and you'll go home, but you want to at least meet her).

remember, always always trust ur gut feeling when it comes to these things. to tell you the truth, if you and ur bf has been togegther for 2 yr and you can't be openly able to talk to him about these 'issues' (which are not uncommon), then you really should think wtf is going on. Obviously, this is dependent on how old you are.

The7even 03-18-2009 07:06 AM
So yeah, Im going to go ahead and say it. End it now, this relationship is going to end and is pointless. Stay only if you like feeling insecure, shitty , miserable and always scared that he'll leave you for someone hotter(not saying you're not attractive, it's just that there's someone always hotter than the next girl/guy).


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