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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 03-15-2009, 11:01 AM   #1
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[Confidential] In love and insecure


The following is a submission from an Anonymous Revscene member. If the original poster would like to reply to this thread feel free to message me privately


I've recently been feeling very insecure about my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I'm starting to believe he is only with me because he couldn't get the girl he actually wanted. But I'm not sure.

Before we dated, there was this girl who was much prettier and funner than I am that he always showed interest in. He realized she was out of his league and me and him started hanging out a lot and kicked it off. Once in awhile during our relationship he would try to contact her (I'm assuming just in a friendly way) but she brushed him off so he stopped (that was a year ago).

Fast forward up to recently, he doesn't show much sexual interest in me and wanted to see me less and less. When I asked him why there's this change he flipped out and said I was asking a dumb question and said he doesn't see any change at all. He apologized shortly after that saying he was in a bad mood that day.

Just a week ago when I was at his house, I couldn't help it even though I thought it was wrong to look through his stuff. I checked his text message history on his phone, he texted her asking how she was and if they could go for coffee. Then on his facebook he did the same too. So finally I asked him yesterday if he had someone else on his mind, told him how I felt our relationship was going downhill and said I really wanted to do something if there is anything I could do. He then raised his voice and said I should stop being insecure and just trust him. He said he is with me and not anyone else and kept asking me why suddenly after almost 2 years I'm being suspicious. We decided to not talk for a few days after that.

I'm here feeling frustrated, confused, insecure. He said he doesn't want to end the relationship and as for me I don't want to end it either. I asked and all I got was an argument implying that he doesn't have anyone in his mind. But I don't know...any advice on what I should do next or comments on what you think he might be thinking?

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Old 03-15-2009, 01:26 PM   #2
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Why do I think I know who posted this?

Anyways, if he's acting suspicious possibly something's up.
But if you had brought up the sms you found then he may turn the situation around on you and blame it on you snooping.
Then again, maybe they're just friends going out for coffee. That is normal, no?
What happened after he stopped trying to contact her? Did they end up talking again after that? If not, it seems like he's hiding it from your for some reason.
I'd say confront him about it if it's really bothering you, if he cares about you then he would understand, even if you're just being paranoid.
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Old 03-15-2009, 02:30 PM   #3
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Tough one
Besides lack of sexual interest, is he treating you differently in public? Does he seem more distant when you're just hanging out?
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he may be trying to get with her and because it didn't work out last time and you were/are there, he may be keeping you as a back up.
I don't think a 2 year relationship necessarily mean you trust the other person 100%, it really depends on your overall relationship, everything from how you started.
Sit him down and talk to him, if he flips out while you're trying to have a calm discussion about your feelings, then he may have more to hide than you know.
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Old 03-15-2009, 02:41 PM   #4
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You know what they say, if they get all defensive usually they're hiding something.
I say if he has no reason to see you less and less there's a reason behind it
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Old 03-15-2009, 03:41 PM   #5
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something's up. yes it's wrong to check on his stuff, but sometimes thats the only place u can find out the truth abt alot of thing he may be hiding. now that u've confronted him on the sms and fb messages, he will probably be more careful abt what he says. don't give him 100% of ur trust, always be suspicious.

atleast it seems like the girl he's interested in is brushing him off.
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Old 03-15-2009, 03:46 PM   #6
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"I was in a bad mood" and not seeing "any change" at all are possibly two of the most commonly used lines for people losing interest.

I'd say he's slipping away, but maybe he doesn't want to be the one to bring up the break up, or he's not 100% sure yet.
In the former, he'll likely try to do a lot of cocky-assed things just to piss you off so you'll initiate the breakup.
In the latter, you might still have a chance to get him back on track, but I don't know how because I'm not a girl.
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Old 03-15-2009, 03:59 PM   #7
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The lack of sexual interest or seeing you less might not be because he has someone else on mind, could be that he's tired or stressed. Try talking to him to see if anything is bothering him but don't mention anything about the girl. After almost 2 years maybe some of that "flame" died down and it's turned into a routine that lacks excitement? Do something different to get that spontaneous-ness feeling back, maybe he's just craving for some of it.

As for the girl, she doesn't sound like she's very responsive to him. But he does make himself very suspicious by getting angry instead of simply telling you what's up with that girl and him. Try communicating with him again, if he's still acting that way, keep an open-mind as to what might be going on.
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Old 03-15-2009, 04:09 PM   #8
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Maybe he's getting bored of the relationship...
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Old 03-15-2009, 04:13 PM   #9
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everything else aside, its unfair to say, "you think he wants to be with someone else." of course he does. as long as there are prettier, smarter girls, everyone will always want something better. but that doesnt mean he doesnt like you. I've never cheated and never plan to, but there have always been hotter girls who id wanna fuck if i was single. Doesnt mean i didnt like the current girls i was with, or that i ever planned on leaving for those reasons.

and if i follow all this correctly, the best part is, the girl you think he wants to cheat on you with, like 90% of the female population, doesnt even want him. so chill. you are probably making a big deal over nothing and just pissing him off. If i had to hear this stuff all the time, id lose sexual interest too. and dont say that he lost sexual interest first. you know yous tarted this.
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Old 03-15-2009, 04:45 PM   #10
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and if i follow all this correctly, the best part is, the girl you think he wants to cheat on you with, like 90% of the female population, doesnt even want him.
Nahhh man. Totally depends on the guy.

If he's the type that's highly sought after, he'd still be sought after regardless of relationship status.

If he's not however, then she'll just continue brushing him off and he'll just remain a nuisance. Lest he be one of those dense mofos that can't take a hint.
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Old 03-15-2009, 05:50 PM   #11
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Quite frankly in my opinion, the moment you go behind your SO's back to check on what they've been doing (checking text history; facebook is another matter as long as it's not logging in to his or her account) is the moment that you have to admit the relationship as it stands is over.

Trust is what relationships are built on. Without it, you become a babysitter, watching his or her every move to make sure (s)he doesn't "break the rules".
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Old 03-15-2009, 05:52 PM   #12
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sounds like he has something to hide, but then again it could be something at work or school that is making him all grumpy and shit

i say look at the situation more carefully before you do anything you might regret. and yes, snooping around in his stuff is bad, but sometimes you gotta do it. but be careful, he can easily use that against you
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Old 03-15-2009, 09:35 PM   #13
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just hug it out
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Old 03-15-2009, 10:28 PM   #14
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IMO, i think he sees you as a backup...im just telling you this from past experience. Not to be cruel but thats just how it is, and unless your strong enough to confront him, let alone walk away from it, then he has the advantage. Obviously by your story, it shows that he controls the relationship. As they say, its easier said then done, and a lot easier to go through it and face the fact head on. It really depends on how it was in the past with the girl he is trying to talk to. IF he tried to go out with her in the past, then there is a high chance that he is trying to do it again since the relationship that you are having is loosing its spark (based on that he is not interested in sex).

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Old 03-16-2009, 12:32 AM   #15
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I went through the EXACT same thing. I found out via msn logs and a friend because the suspicion was getting maxed out. However, I did not handle the situation well after I discovered it. I was basically emotionally dependant on him and I regret continuing to put up with it. I confronted him and he denied it the same way your bf did minus the intense anger though he did get a bit irked by my asking. Only when that other girl refused him did he begin to see me again.

rk604 is definitely right... he has the control of the relatinoship right now. His anger is unreasonable as well. When you choose to ask him again, sit down calmly and have a serious discussion with him about it. Tell him to cut the bullshit anger and that you want to seriously ask him and tell him you are not interested in being #2. It's a real concern to you. If he continues to dodge your question and still not interested in meeting up with you or sex, then prepare to entertain the thought of a life without him. He is obviously not recognizing how concerned you nor is he putting an end to it.
Women will over think something and if you dont put a cap on it or soothe it down to an acceptable level, they go crazy.

Btw, highly doubt he wants to be "friends with her". After someone gets rejected numerous times you probably dont wanna be stay 100% buddies with that person. It's awkward and it hurts your pride and heart etc. Not to mention, it looks like that girl rejected and is ignoring him pretty well.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:45 AM   #16
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i think you've answered your concerns regarding being second fiddle.
If he isnt treating you the way you feel you deserve to be treated, talk about it, and if it doesnt change, dump him.
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Old 03-16-2009, 07:44 AM   #17
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you need to ask him straight up why he's texting and facebook messaging this girl.
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Old 03-16-2009, 12:25 PM   #18
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I refuse to believe he wants to have coffee with that girl platonically while wishing to see you less and less. The way he reacts to your questions say more about his thoughts than the words that come out of his mouth. Seriously, I wish you'd dump his ass. This is one of those times where you should trust your instincts..... but I guess do whatever you need to do to resolve the situation so that you are left feeling better in the end.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:09 PM   #19
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With my ex I had suspicions he was cheating on me and towards the end of our relationship I found out that he was. We had been together almost 2 years too. I say generally go with your gut.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:15 PM   #20
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hmm- i don't think a guy in a relationship would ever want to meet a girl alone strictly as friends. The fact that he's hiding it from you already means that he wants to get in the girl's pants. There is absolutely no excuse for hiding things like this from you (i.e. " you might get the wrong idea so i didn't wanna tell you") In all circumstances, a decent guy should ask for your permission and your opinion first if he thinks that it's something that might be misunderstood and might possibly damage the trust and the relationship between the both of you.

You don't need to talk to him or ask him any questions. Any answer you get will most likely be a lie and you'll just be fooled by it. If you really want a shot to save this relationship- ask him to stop contacting the girl. If he doesn't, then it's totally up to you if you wanna take a stand or just be a push-over.

Most people here will tell you to bail. But I say go full force and learn from the experience. You'll be hurt but you'll be better when you come out of this relationship.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:25 PM   #21
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hmm- i don't think a guy in a relationship would ever want to meet a girl alone strictly as friends.
Say what the fuck? Most of my good friends are female, and we'll often meet alone because they want to talk to me or get advice in a situation that doesn't advertise their problems to the entire godsdamned world. Don't make sweeping judgements just because you don't have any chick friends.



That having been said, this situation is a bit different 'cause it seems to be fairly one-sided.
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Old 03-16-2009, 01:33 PM   #22
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Say what the fuck? Most of my good friends are female, and we'll often meet alone because they want to talk to me or get advice in a situation that doesn't advertise their problems to the entire godsdamned world. Don't make sweeping judgements just because you don't have any chick friends. That having been said, this situation is a bit different 'cause it seems to be fairly one-sided.
Sorry, that was badly worded and not well thought of. I was thinking strictly in the situation described above. Forgive the insolence.

What I'm trying to say is in the situation of the guy pestering a girl for a date (one-sided), my statement will mostly probably be the case. A guy will never be so persistent with a girl if he didn't like her

And ouch- although it's true, you didn't have to tell the whole internets that I has no chick friends! ='[

PS: Lay-off the anger.. I'm not Vmec =[
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:33 PM   #23
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With my ex I had suspicions he was cheating on me and towards the end of our relationship I found out that he was. We had been together almost 2 years too. I say generally go with your gut.
thats pretty bad advice. just cause one guy did it to you doesnt mean every guy should be treated as guilty until proved innocent. just cause you thought it and it was right, doesnt mean that every time someone thinks it they should assume said thought is correct. that doesnt make any sense.
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:35 PM   #24
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hmm- i don't think a guy in a relationship would ever want to meet a girl alone strictly as friends. The fact that he's hiding it from you already means that he wants to get in the girl's pants. There is absolutely no excuse for hiding things like this from you (i.e. " you might get the wrong idea so i didn't wanna tell you") In all circumstances, a decent guy should ask for your permission and your opinion first if he thinks that it's something that might be misunderstood and might possibly damage the trust and the relationship between the both of you.
this is kinda bs too. i bet you hide things from your bf all the time that are harmless. i take some of my female friends out to dinner all the time. i think of them as my little sisters. I might not tell everyone I'm doing it though. For me they have a pretty high priority. gf's come and go but those girls will be my friends forever. I've ditched a gf to hang out with my fem friends. I lied about it too. didnt fuck them. most of them have boy friends.
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Old 03-16-2009, 02:43 PM   #25
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hmm- i don't think a guy in a relationship would ever want to meet a girl alone strictly as friends. The fact that he's hiding it from you already means that he wants to get in the girl's pants. There is absolutely no excuse for hiding things like this from you (i.e. " you might get the wrong idea so i didn't wanna tell you") In all circumstances, a decent guy should ask for your permission and your opinion first if he thinks that it's something that might be misunderstood and might possibly damage the trust and the relationship between the both of you.

You don't need to talk to him or ask him any questions. Any answer you get will most likely be a lie and you'll just be fooled by it. If you really want a shot to save this relationship- ask him to stop contacting the girl. If he doesn't, then it's totally up to you if you wanna take a stand or just be a push-over.

Most people here will tell you to bail. But I say go full force and learn from the experience. You'll be hurt but you'll be better when you come out of this relationship.
i don't think that is true
there are plenty of instances out there where a guy goes out with girls all the time with no intention of sleeping with them.

let say there is intention, doesn't mean he'll do it. its nice sometimes just to catch up with people, and even if there is a sexual attraction, he will try to control it because he already is with someone

maybe not the case for everyone, but sometimes you gotta trust each other
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