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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 03-29-2009, 03:39 PM   #1
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A Situation- need advice

I met this one chick and she seems pretty interested in me.
Her little background is she came over from Ontario to study here. Her "boyfriend" is from Ontario as well and they're having a LD relationship.
They've been together for a year but techinically have only spent real time for like 3 months. Seems like she's unsure of the current status right now because she hardly sees him and such.. anyways, PRIOR to all this, when i talked to her for the second time, she did mention that her BF went to an Ivey League Business school and I just brushed it off...

I called her up and we hung out and such because she seemed interesting and she seemed kind of into me. She's leaving for a trip next week and I won't see her for the next 3 weeks. I think I got kinda attached to her but I'm uncertain whether I should bring it up that I have feelings for her. you think it would be a wise idea? Her bf is 10 years older than her (lol) but she thinks they're a good match because he gives good advice to her when she needs them (ie. career or school or something else), and she likes it like that. Obviously he has so much more experience in work/career since he's so much older. Bu to me it seems like he's just an advisor... but i can't be the judge.

She says I'm a really funny guy and all. And i do tend to have the ability to make her laugh all the time. we seem to have good times.

Anyways, what should i do in this case? should i let her know i have got feelings for her? I find that most of the time, I CANNOT fucking tell a gir''s niceness/friendliness or when they "like" me... there were times when I confessed my feelings to other girls (in previous sitations), and the other girl seem to be just "friends" with me..

I don't want this shit to happen again and again. I'm uncertain at this point. She has a bf, but seems like they're not even that close. She's leaving soon and I won't see her for the next while.. What are your thoughts? Should i just hold it off till she comes back? tell her before I leave? Say, "i know you have a bf but I MUST CONFESS..... blahbalbhalh " (lol britney shit)...
serious replies only.

TIA.

Update

Ok. So we had a good time on the weekend, was cuddling somewhat and i got to know her pretty in depth I'd say. Sometimes she was talking about her BF and talking about uncertainty over there.. She doesn't want emotional trouble but was scared that she no longer likes her bf IF she goes back and sees him... thus, she's SCARED to go back and see him

Other than that, She enjoyed everything and seems like she didn't want to go home. In the end, I had to leave. Anyways, we just chatted on the phone this morning and we started about what happened on the weekend. Seems like she never had the feeling of "she doesn't want to go home before" and she said she just wants to live a simple life and blhablahbalbh. On the weekend, I felt that she developed some feelings for me and this phone conversation was proof of it.

She said when she leaves out of town (in a couple of days), and if she doesn't call back when some comes back, I shouldn't get mad... She's still going to be my friend and all but it's just that she can't see me again. Because she doesn't want whatever happened on the weekend to happen AGAIN.. That's what she says...

So i'm like, that's so pathetic and immature because she's hiding from her feelings. She says "she wants her life to be simple and happy life" and it's weird how she had the feeling of "dont' want to go back home on the weekend" because she's never had that before...

Anyways, the main point is that i'm seeing her TOMORROW in class and she told me not to look at her, not to talk to her, and just go straight home after class (Sometimes, I wait for her to give her a ride). Should I ignore what she said? The feeling I"m getting is that she's afraid of facing me, because she may have a softheart and sink in again, and we may develop something and build on what we had on the weekend (probably something she is scared of)... so SHOULD I listen to what she said?? Should I pursue it?

She keeps telling me that I should just ignore her entirely tomorrow, and for me to have a good summer, if she doesn't call when she comes back from her trip, tells me to don't be mad... wtf do i do? what should i do?

If you like her, should I just let it go and let her realize it? Or confront her again about it if I get a chance?
I know there are circumstances where you should stop pursuing, is this one of them?

Update 2:

Thanks for the comments guys. Anyways, seems like when i confront her face to face, she says the same thing but we lost that "don't talk to me" bs. We cuddled and stuff too and seems like we really connect still. Both of us want to be with each other, with her especially. She says we have this "CONNECTION" that's different than her bf. I'm like the second person she really likes (1st being her current living out of town bf of course).

We came across this problem I couldn't really solve. She says when she comes back we shouldn't talk... because she is trying to PREVENT the problem. If we see each other again, she knows things will not workout with her BF as her and i go further down.
BUTTTTTTT.. the thing is that, she knows she's leaving out of this town sooner or later, and her problem she said was "What if I meet another guy that I have feelings for? then the same thing is going to happen right?" The cycle being if she dose whatever she wants to do now, that would mean it would happen later again! If she stops it between us NOW, then she's doing the "right' step, as she says. But, if she let's this one slide and let our "relationship" continue, then she broke her committment and it will happen again and again and again until she puts a stop to it...

I honestly didn't have a comeback when she said that, the only thing I kept stressing is that there are things we can't control. But what about her argument of, if she does this, and if she leavs out of town again, she's scared that the same thing will happen to me???

Update 3:

soo.. before she left for the last two days, she showed her true feelings... we made out and such, but there was this point where i am going away on a trip when she comes back. she found out and was upset i wasn't going to be there to pick her up. i straight up told her that she never cared before about how i wasn't there to see her when she came back, and she told me that after happened over the last 2 days, i should know that she is serious and such. she said it went so fast and so quick but guesses that I wasn't as serious as she was, and saying it won't work solely because she was really INTO me and yet she didn't think I treated her back serious enough.

To be honest though, I was just playing around because till that day, I didn't know what she was doing with her "bf" and I didn't take it seriously.. After that conversation and before she left Vancouver, she called me and said it just won't work out because of that, because I didn't think of her to STAY in vancouver when she is here.. and what I plan to do now won't matter. She said we should never have what happened again occur between us (ie: the intimacy and all that) and said we should just be friends and one of the faults was probably because it all happened too fast...

I didn't think much when she left because I kept thinking it will all change again when she comes back and sees me... but recently in an email, she said that she "hopes that I am truly happy" that we are really friends... and not what we were before... i'm really unhappy again that she said that...

How do I go about this? I want to be with her.. should I just let it go? I tried it once when I was updating and it worked... and now again? what the fuck? FUCK!

oh yeah one more thing, i said i would pick her up at the airport before this email shit.


Last edited by ASG111; 04-20-2009 at 11:21 PM.
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Old 03-29-2009, 03:58 PM   #2
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is there anything else that makes you think she likes you besides "you're funny and she seems kinda into you?"

you can tell her if you like, but ask yourself what do you see as the outcome for this if she is going to leave soon for 3 weeks and already told you she thinks her and her boyfriend is a good match? how long have you guys known each other anyways? im going to assume it's quite fresh since it doesn't seem like you know much about her relationship with her current beau except bits and pieces.

take the time to really think about it, maybe see how you feel after she comes back. feelings can change (maybe you will once you tell her, or maybe she will after she comes back etc etc).
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Old 03-29-2009, 04:09 PM   #3
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^ that's a good question. We're still fresh, I know her since maybe 2 months ago? but we didn't really talk and hang out till less than a month ago. I don't much about her relationship, nor do I really plan to... since it seems like it's none of my business. Should I be though?

You're right, I don't know the outcome if I tell her my feelings. But i'm a straight forward kind of guy, and I don't like playing mind games. I thought it would be best if I just tell her straight up how I feel and what's her reaction.. but I think that might be taking a really big chance and fuck up what we have.
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Old 03-29-2009, 04:38 PM   #4
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You should hold off and wait till she comes back. Maybe it will give her a chance to miss you too, if there is really something there? Girls are actually pretty obvious when they have feelings for someone. The fact that shes spending time with you (the fact that she's even given you a chance to get attached to her) i think is a pretty good sign. How often do you talk anyway?
Theres also a chance that you may ruin what you have, so give it a little bit more time because it doesnt sound like there is the same attachment from her. Do you feel like there is?
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Old 03-29-2009, 04:49 PM   #5
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You should hold off and wait till she comes back. Maybe it will give her a chance to miss you too, if there is really something there? Girls are actually pretty obvious when they have feelings for someone. The fact that shes spending time with you (the fact that she's even given you a chance to get attached to her) i think is a pretty good sign. How often do you talk anyway?
Theres also a chance that you may ruin what you have, so give it a little bit more time because it doesnt sound like there is the same attachment from her. Do you feel like there is?
Lol at the "girls are actually pretty obvious when they have feelings for someone". I thought it was too, but it was some fucked up shit that happened to me before that made me think otherwise. Oh well but that story's for another time.

I see her maybe twice a week, (we're both pretty busy) but it seems to me we really click. As for talking, I don't like talking to her on the phone or online so I don't tend to do that often. We sometimes text.

I feel that there's some attachment for sure, that's why I'm making this post... BUT, it may also be the fact that she doesn't have much friends here. I feel that I might go nowhere though because the whole point is that she DOES have a bf in the end, and I'll be a third party... there will definitely be comparisions and he'll probably have the upper hand consider he's probably so much more mature and have much more experience...
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Old 03-29-2009, 05:03 PM   #6
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Just hold of for now.
There is not use in taking a risk for such a short time.
Use the time she is away to gauge your feelings. Go out and have fun with buddies. Go out and get some female attention. See if your feeling are for anyone that is not a male or just for her.

When she does come back and you found out that your feelings for her are genuine, then go for it. Not much you can lose.
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Old 03-29-2009, 08:42 PM   #7
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i think you're just full of yourself

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Old 03-29-2009, 09:02 PM   #8
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Obviously he has so much more experience in work/career since he's so much older. Bu to me it seems like he's just an advisor... but i can't be the judge.
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I feel that there's some attachment for sure, that's why I'm making this post... BUT, it may also be the fact that she doesn't have much friends here. I feel that I might go nowhere though because the whole point is that she DOES have a bf in the end, and I'll be a third party... there will definitely be comparisions and he'll probably have the upper hand consider he's probably so much more mature and have much more experience...
how is he full of himself at all? you cant control your feelings.
in the end, nothing would happen if she doesnt let anything happen anyways. if she really were to leaver her bf, it means it wouldnt have worked out anyways(she doesnt like him enough) anything is fair game unless the other person is married.
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Old 03-29-2009, 09:49 PM   #9
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Don't say anything until she gives you clearer signs she is into you. Like, if she says she's not sure if he is the one for her, or she starts to treat you better than a friend would. You could make things awkward if she's not actually into you. Besides, some people can get lonely if their SO isn't around and people tend to seek companionship...perhaps she is seeking friendly companionship in the form of you.
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Old 03-30-2009, 08:18 AM   #10
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same thing as most people said in here, hold off until she comes back and shows mor signs of liking you.
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Old 03-31-2009, 11:26 PM   #11
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UPDATED! Need advice ASAP!!!!
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Old 03-31-2009, 11:43 PM   #12
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Seems like she's just on the fence man. In my opinion, no matter what you do you may end up regretting it. Thing is here, you will regret it more if you do exactly as she says and ignore her. What if you do ignore her and you do never see her or talk to her again? You'll be left with another 'What if...' type of moment. That said, if you do talk to her, and shit doesn't work out, you will be left with more like a 'wat if' cause you will never know if things could have been different if you gave it time.

If that were me, I would either call her tonight and just say how you feel or talk to her in the morning.
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Old 03-31-2009, 11:50 PM   #13
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^Fuck. that's like a two edged sword to me..

she seems uncertain emotionally about these kind of things though. Her way of thought was fucked up. On the weekend, she told me she didn't want to find another person or be in another relationship because "what if" it doesn't work out later on down the road.. So i'm like, wtf, then you stick with one person you're uncertain about? whether she loves him/not so much? And she's like yeahh... Because you never know when the RIGHT person is going to come along... because there might be someone better, and better. and you'll leave that person, and for another one and blabhalbha

And i added "then that's when they call you a SLUT".

But yeah.. my point is that, I find her train of thought rather naive on these things.
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Old 04-01-2009, 12:34 AM   #14
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seems like this post was last night so i'm assuming you've seen her already...

but if it were me i'd spill my heart and tell her if she is interested in joining me for a simple life then call me... i think it was one of the post where the guy liked the girl but for his whole life didn't get to tell the girl and regretted it... never be that guy! It's throwing the ball in her court and its risky but do what you possibly can...

maybe she's not happy with her current relationship... but thats the thing about humans... scared of changes and stuff... give her enough reasons to change!

good luck bro!
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Old 04-01-2009, 01:22 AM   #15
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give her some room for now.
deciding on two different people is hard decision.
i mean no offense but what you did earlier was wrong. you ARE dwindling with a girl who has a bf.

give her sometime for now
if you calls you after her trip, then great
if not, wait a week or two. if she still doesn't call you, then call her
tell her you are still interested in her and want to go out. try to find out what happened

her feelings and your feelings put both of you in a bind right now. patience is your only bet for now.
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Old 04-01-2009, 03:10 AM   #16
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wow am i the only one that sees the drama in this "relationship?" shit son, first off she has a boyfriend so that should tell you off limits to begin with. for her to be telling you how she's unsure about her current relationship with said boyfriend, then to tell you if she doesn't contact you when she comes back then don't be mad is just stupid. she's keeping you as an option. a backup if you will. if things dont go well with her bf then YAY, you get to fill the spot. but if things DO go well, then she has an easy out with you because she told you beforehand she might not be in contact with you.

when people say 'i still wanna be friends,' they normally dont. it can happen, but rare.

plus, all this "don't talk to me, ignore me" shit is just DRAMAAAAAA central. what's the point? if she doesn't want what happened on the weekend to replay, then she wouldnt let it happen. it's not like you're gonna be forcing her to cuddle with you again. does she really think having you avoid her is gonna help her stay away from the situation? are we 10? why don't she just grow up and deal with adult situations like people should be. tell her to stop running away from her problems. you're right when you said she sounded so immature and naiive. cause she is.

it's like she's doing reverse psych on you to see if you'll fight for her or something.
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Old 04-01-2009, 08:43 AM   #17
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miss crayon is right, sounds like you're a safety net. ppl that cheat or try to be open to the option of cheating are usually more trouble than they're worth



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Old 04-01-2009, 10:32 AM   #18
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wow am i the only one that sees the drama in this "relationship?" shit son, first off she has a boyfriend so that should tell you off limits to begin with.
Not disagreeing with the rest of what you said but I don't believe just because somebody has a mate means they're off limit. Unless those people are your friends. I have strong principles about trying to get with a friend's gf/bf or ex...

but in today's time its all fair game i mean as long as its not cheating/affair then its all good..
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Old 04-01-2009, 11:21 AM   #19
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also agree with crayon; major toolage is taking place
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Old 04-01-2009, 12:27 PM   #20
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a.) The other dude's resume is clearly top notch given his age, experience, and likely wealth given that its an Ivy League school. His job prospects coming out of such a top tier school will definitely will be top notch anywhere in the world, let alone Canada. This is why she's attracted to him.
b.) You will be unable to match this, as I'm getting the view that you're quite a bit younger and I'm guessing still in your Undergrad. Being funny/nice/charming/nice car mean nothing when being compared against a career guy like that.
c.) Since you can tell she's likely career driven and knowledge driven, the one thing you can do is show her that you're also insanely driven - work your ass off at school and become the President of several different school clubs etc and volunteer etc etc. Nobody, including her, can compare you to him given the sheer age. But if you can show that you're just as driven as that dude, you may stand a chance if they end things.
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Old 04-01-2009, 08:30 PM   #21
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just go for the sex. wham bam thank you ma'am
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Old 04-01-2009, 08:57 PM   #22
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wow, step away from the girl! If she is telling you now to not even talk to her in class, you definately DO NOT want this girl as your girlfriend.
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:03 AM   #23
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Updated! please read Update 2 above


Orion, I was wondering what's the reasoning behind the following? I"m interested, let me know thanks.
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Not disagreeing with the rest of what you said but I don't believe just because somebody has a mate means they're off limit.
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:15 AM   #24
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you really need to open your eyes and realize she needs to cut the crap. if she's having such a "connection" with you then she should just break it off with her current boyfriend if she's having so much doubt.

however, if she thinks she's going to lose feelings for you for another guy if she does leave in the future, then she obviously doesn't have any confidence in this "relationship" you two have if you were to get together.

seriously..listen to yourself. the more you tell us, the more it seems like you are trying to convince her to be with you. you shouldn't need to convince ANYONE when it comes to relationships.
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:19 AM   #25
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you really need to open your eyes and realize she needs to cut the crap. if she's having such a "connection" with you then she should just break it off with her current boyfriend if she's having so much doubt.

plus if she thinks she's going to lose feelings for you for another guy if she does leave in the future, then she obviously doesn't have any confidence in this "relationship" you two have if you were to get together.
hard for me to tell her to break it off with her current bf, but yeah, the main point she was driving was that it has never happened like it. she hardly knows me but she's so into me, and she's afraid that's going to happen to me if i'm with her, etc etc. she does not want to see me after her trip solely because she wants to end and forget what we "have" currently.

going back with her bf is not really what she WANTS to do but she feels that it is the right thing... and at HER age, she thinks doing what she thinks is right is the right choice, because she says doing what she WANTS to do, is pretty immature and not as how a grownup should think..
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