there's one that says

"dude the chicks in this bar are so ugly, even you wouldnt fuck them"
"well, i doubt that"

and another that's like

"dude, i just saw the asian version of us"

read those two a few months ago

(413): that girl last night was a 15
(1-413): wait she was 15?
(413): no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

Haha, money!

today, let's steal people's pets and leave ransom notes

lol

(661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
(831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

1990tsi?
(416): i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

(734): I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

(703): Can i come over
(240): After you called me a desperate slut? No
(240): Come over

(313): Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

(415) 1:13 a: I know i don't know you that well but i need somewhere to stay tonight...
(1-415): whois this?
(415): ******** *****
(1-415): i barely know you, we aren't friends and i don't even know how you got my number
(415): Please
(1-415): no creepface

(323): You know you want to come over later
(1-323) 1:27a: Um no
(1-323) 1:45a: Maybe
(1-323) 2:05a: Probably
(1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

(248): Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
(248): I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
(734): Yeah...you probably will...
(248): well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.

(646): How is your vagina???
(941): Double booked
(646): With your butt?
(941): Totes, candlesticks and all
(646): Yay!!

(248): wat u doin
(1-248): Its 3:34 AM, what do you think I'm doing? SLEEPING. what are YOU doing is the question..
(248): Oh tight im jus chillin, how u been
(1-248): I'm going to save you some time, I'm not coming over to engage in high risk sex with you.
(248): Oh its like that?
(248): hater

That's awesome..:haha:

Today, I popped my G-String while fingering a minor. Now I have to buy a new violin string. MLIA.

(610): Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.