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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 07-24-2009, 12:40 AM   #1
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Friend love, and I am stuck in the middel

So the situation is like this me and let say his name is alex and her name is stephy (yes I know what you are thinking). Anyways, I have know stephy since grade 4 and alex since grade 8. So we are all pretty good friends. In highschool me and alex got rejected by stephy, but we weren't really good friends back then, and a lot of guys went after stephy. So for the pass 2 year we have been hanging out a lot, I thought nothing much since we are all pretty friends. And since I got rejected by stephy, I got rejected 5 more times, by my female friends. So you see my view on friend to lover method doesn't quiet work in my mind. Around a year ago, Alex starting to like Stephy again, in which I told Stephy not to do (she considered because she is feeling pity for him), reason behind that was because I could not see it end well, so I threw in my 2 cent and she rejected him. So now Alex thinks I am manipulative since Stephy took me advice and rejected him. To be honest, Stephy has actually rejected alex at least 3 times since the first rejection, so you can see the problem here. Fast forward to now, Stephy, actually never loved a guy in her life, until now, and she got rejected. Stephy thought it sucked ass, so she calls Alex (since she felt "mentally weak" from the rejection) and asked him if he likes her (since Stephy "felt" that he is starting to like her again).

So Alex asked a week ago about this girl he is seeing recently, so I am all happy and shit for him, since he is finally seeing someone that is not a good friend. So around 3 days later Stephy tells me the girl he is seeing is actually her, which absolutely blew me away. Being the opinionated person I am, I told her to think long and hard (hehe that is what she said) regarding this situation. Stephy told me that the reason she is considering

1) it sucks to get rejected and consider how many times Alex got rejected, I too would understand how much it sucks.
2) she like her A LOT, so therefore he is REALLY nice to her
3) wants someone to be there for her

I thought ok, those are legit reasons (REEEEEBOUNDDDD) , but they haven't even talk about it in PERSON! I told her "Geez, how do you expect to go out with someone if all you have been doing is emailing each other about 'maybe going out with each other'?". She even told me "We have nothing in common, I think it ll be weird if we go out"...Oh and Alex thinks I am manipulative since Stephy took me advice

So the problem I am facing is this, because of somewhat not so positive history with asking out female friends, I don't want to get involved in this. As well, I feel like I am getting displaced as a friend in the group so this is hella weird. And the fact that I don't agree with how this is starting off makes me feel a little bitter.

So what do I do? I feel like I just want to leave everything to them because they seem to be a little too immature to deal with it face to face. Or should give this a little push? This is why I think best friend love = the worst kind of love.

Edit:

Update!

So it looks like things are going well for them, Stephy sent alex an email saying that she really only wants someone to be there for him, even though it is for a selfish cause. Alex replied to saying that she is pretty much ALL he wants right now and he would care for her...blah blah blah. To be honest, it sounds hella desperate, but different strokes for different folks? So they talked in msn...and Stephy is really happy with the response she got. Stephy suggested that they should start over again as friends, so work there way up. I think that is a very good plan! I am happy for them, and most of my bitterness towards this is gone, I guess I have more problems then I previously thought.


Last edited by OmeletteBoy; 07-25-2009 at 03:09 AM.
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Old 07-24-2009, 12:52 AM   #2
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sounds like you're gearing up to be a cockblock man...

they're perfectly fine on their own, just leave it be
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Old 07-24-2009, 12:54 AM   #3
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Stephy is the real manipulater here. Surely she knows something is up between you and your pal Alex. She's also stupid to fall into this sort of problem when she clearly knows she doesn't like him. Is she thinking that she can grow to like him?

Alex is just persistent and now revelling that his efforts are victorious. The joke's on him. He might want to check out the thread on being too persistent.

Lots of foreseeable drama. Steer clear and let it be.
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Old 07-24-2009, 12:57 AM   #4
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She sounds like she's just using him since he's always around.
Perhaps something like a placeholder. =3
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Old 07-24-2009, 12:59 AM   #5
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sounds like you're gearing up to be a cockblock man...

they're perfectly fine on their own, just leave it be
My thought exactly, which is why I don't want to cockblock...lol
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:00 AM   #6
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i don't get how people can go after the same person after they already rejected them once.. maybe twice.. but 2+ times?!?!

anyways, you should just let stephy and alex deal with it themselves....
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:01 AM   #7
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Stephy is the real manipulater here. Surely she knows something is up between you and your pal Alex. She's also stupid to fall into this sort of problem when she clearly knows she doesn't like him. Is she thinking that she can grow to like him?

Alex is just persistent and now revelling that his efforts are victorious. The joke's on him. He might want to check out the thread on being too persistent.

Lots of foreseeable drama. Steer clear and let it be.
Wow, you saw right through the situation here. But as a friend, I would like to eat my words and see their relationship prosper.

edit: Yes, she believes that she can grow to like him, maybe maybe not? It is hard to tell...personal opinion is a no...steering clear sounds like a good advice.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:08 AM   #8
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^ Nothing good will come from advising both sides. You eventually pick one side and give a fraction more support to.
If you wish to see to it to the end, then do not provide any specific support as it will always hinder you in some way. You may tell Stephy something but your Alex will now see that you side with her constantly and further fuels his existing rage. Support Alex and Stephy will question why arent you around anymore. This happened to me before.

In my own opinion, Alex sounds like a guy who would grovel for Stephy. And she's in her own fantasy land, undecided on what path to take and oblivious to the consequences. Maybe she will grow to like him more.... it's a gamble on her part. She has to be confident about it though. I mean, you guys been friends for countless years and she decided to jump into this? She's either pretty confident or very very clueless and just slowly trying to walk in the dark.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:17 AM   #9
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hey omelette dude
i think u shud just let them deal with it since its only between them two
im sorry to hear that u got rejected by her but maybe ur right bout the fact that ur a little bitter b/c u couldnt get with her and now stephy stephy is considering to get with ur friend

i mean dude i think it was wrong of you to cock block your friend regardless if you think they are right or not right for eachother
some couples who seem like they have dont stand a chance of being a couple end up being perfect for eachother

and that is why u have to give them room to see if they are a match
you should tell ur buddy that u didnt mean to cockblock and u werent being manipulative

as for you i think its best to hang out with other girls or even guys
i feel u dude rejection not easy to cope with
but u gotta keep at it eh?
good luck
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:24 AM   #10
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^ Nothing good will come from advising both sides. You eventually pick one side and give a fraction more support to.
If you wish to see to it to the end, then do not provide any specific support as it will always hinder you in some way. You may tell Stephy something but your Alex will now see that you side with her constantly and further fuels his existing rage. Support Alex and Stephy will question why arent you around anymore. This happened to me before.

In my own opinion, Alex sounds like a guy who would grovel for Stephy. And she's in her own fantasy land, undecided on what path to take and oblivious to the consequences. Maybe she will grow to like him more.... it's a gamble on her part. She has to be confident about it though. I mean, you guys been friends for countless years and she decided to jump into this? She's either pretty confident or very very clueless and just slowly trying to walk in the dark.
Thanks, I feel the same since I did give advise to both side, so now I rather keep my big mouth shut and let them short it out themselves.

Yes Alex would pretty much do ANYTHING for her, countless time I have told him being a nice guy =/= being a doormat.

Stephy, is the type of girl that always changes her mind is probably walking in the dark. You do bring up a good point that I never really thought about, why did Stephy suddenly jump on this and msged Alex on starting a relationship? On certain level I feel that it is a rebound backed up by logical "female" reasonings (just generalizing). She got rejected by a FIRST CRUSH recently and it sucks, therefore, it must suck for Alex to be rejected 4+ times, so I should probably give him a chance.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:30 AM   #11
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hey omelette dude
i think u shud just let them deal with it since its only between them two
im sorry to hear that u got rejected by her but maybe ur right bout the fact that ur a little bitter b/c u couldnt get with her and now stephy stephy is considering to get with ur friend

i mean dude i think it was wrong of you to cock block your friend regardless if you think they are right or not right for eachother
some couples who seem like they have dont stand a chance of being a couple end up being perfect for eachother

and that is why u have to give them room to see if they are a match
you should tell ur buddy that u didnt mean to cockblock and u werent being manipulative

as for you i think its best to hang out with other girls or even guys
i feel u dude rejection not easy to cope with
but u gotta keep at it eh?
good luck
Thanks. My intention was never to cockblock my friend, I said something I should never have said, I should apologize. And yes, you are also right, who am I do judge? I should give them some room! And another yes, I guess deep deep DEEPPP DOWN, I am still bitter, because I never saw success in asking a good female friend out.
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Old 07-24-2009, 02:39 AM   #12
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I think you are the immature person.. it's their business.. stay out of it.

You are just bitter that Stephy chose Alex over you.

This is also why you don't have a girlfriend... you are not a man, but a bitch. Cheers!
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Old 07-24-2009, 02:47 AM   #13
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i don't get how people can go after the same person after they already rejected them once.. maybe twice.. but 2+ times?!?!

anyways, you should just let stephy and alex deal with it themselves....
for sure. i dont get that.

Also, just let it play itself out until she realizes that you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone unless theres something there.
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Old 07-24-2009, 08:21 AM   #14
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leave them alone and move on
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Old 07-24-2009, 08:32 AM   #15
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I've seen this type of thing happen before, and oddly enough most of the time it ended with marriage, lol. When people know eachother that long and eventually romantically connect, it usually lasts a long time, or fizzles very very fast. My guess is she likes him more than she lets you know. I could be wrong though.
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Old 07-24-2009, 08:37 AM   #16
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Why do you have the need to babysit your friends? Are you that bored? Or are you just bitter that they're going out together?

I know you have good intentions an all but honestly, if you're a good friend, just stop meddling. This is their issue, not yours. Don't look down on them too much. Let them run into bumps, fall and get up again. Humans have this strong ability to get up way stronger the harder they fall. Let them sort their own issues out. Sure they might get hurt and what not, but at least they'll learn and become stronger and more mature. What you're doing right now is just being fodder for flame.

Think of Alex's position- After such a long time, the girl he likes is finally giving him a chance. No matter how ill the intention is, in Alex's eyes, it's still a chance. And la-dee-dah, his so called best friend, who used to like Stephy, is now convincing Stephy not to date him. Think about your actions from the other party's perspective.

If you still can't see it, I'll tell you now- You're being a bother. Sure you don't mean any harm, but honestly- both parties involved aren't gonna be satisfied with what will happen- It's only you who'll derive satisfaction from all this.
They are not 8 years old anymore. Stop holding their hand. Let them fall and let them grow. They can't stay immature forever and you can't be the mature babysitting daddy forever either.

If Stephy is as bad as you say she is, then let Alex experience and see that for himself. A lesson is learned best if experienced first hand. They both want to be in this relationship. You don't have the right to ruin a possibility for the both of them.

A true friend will, at this point, be ready to fully cheer the relationship on and be ready to help them out with any problems that might come along the way.

A good friend does not ruin the possibility of a relationship.

A good friend will be there to support when the relationship falls apart.

OH FYI: You're not stuck in the middle- You chose to be in that position. Don't make it seem that you were brought into the argument against your will.
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Old 07-24-2009, 11:53 AM   #17
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Thanks for all the advice, I guess at the end I am the one being immature. I will reflect on this situation so it won't happen again.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:04 PM   #18
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dont be so hard on yourself
lol
just take it easy
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Old 07-24-2009, 02:52 PM   #19
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it's all good dude. Just let them be.

MAybe they'll work out? If they do, great

But I'd suggest that you stay clear for a bit. If you REALLY have to, monitor, but don't intervene.

Both of them will have to learn on their own someday.

GL
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Old 07-24-2009, 03:08 PM   #20
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Here's what I've learned well when dealing with friends who want to get involved with each other.
You know how they like to come to you to ask advice... well don't give advice per say. Just say that you hope it works well. That you think they deserve the best. Give that same 'advice' to both friends. This way they know you are in their court. If they ask for more specifics say you don't get involved in others love lives.
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Old 07-24-2009, 04:20 PM   #21
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let them date. when they fail, you swoop in
then u laugh and say suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Old 07-25-2009, 12:06 AM   #22
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Update!

So it looks like things are going well for them, Stephy sent alex an email saying that she really only wants someone to be there for him, even though it is for a selfish cause. Alex replied to saying that she is pretty much ALL he wants right now and he would care for her...blah blah blah. To be honest, it sounds hella desperate, but different strokes for different folks? So they talked in msn...and Stephy is really happy with the response she got. Stephy suggested that they should start over again as friends, so work there way up. I think that is a very good plan! I am happy for them, and most of my bitterness towards this is gone, I guess I have more problems then I previously thought.

Last edited by OmeletteBoy; 07-25-2009 at 03:09 AM.
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Old 07-25-2009, 02:46 AM   #23
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Update!

So it looks like things are going well for them, Stephy sent alex an email saying that she really only wants someone to be there for him, even though it is for a selfish cause. Alex replied to saying that she is pretty much ALL he wants right now and he would care for her...blah blah blah. To be honest, it sounds hella desperate, but different strokes for different folks? So they talked in msn...and Stephy is really happy with the response she got. One more thing, apparently Alex is not as appreciative of my advice I gave him then I previously thought, to be honest I am a little butt hurt because I only tried my best to help him because I only tried my best to help him because he wanted help, but now he calls them "bullshit"...oh well, better keep my big mouth shut.
OUCH! You sound so bitter! Even I was never this immature in my teens and I was known to be immature LOL.
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Old 07-25-2009, 02:46 AM   #24
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Leaving them be is your best bet.
Trust me, when you have your own relationship you don't want someone else taking all the steps for you.
Let them experience things for themselves.
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Old 07-25-2009, 03:10 AM   #25
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OUCH! You sound so bitter! Even I was never this immature in my teens and I was known to be immature LOL.
Thanks Mr. pigman. I guess I have more issues to work out myself then I previously thought! Funny thing is, even though this is absolutely none of my bees wax, I learned a lot from this.
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