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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 11-04-2009, 03:27 AM   #1
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Married and emailed an ex

This could be long but isn't that how it usually works?

I recently got married and to be honest, things have not been going well. She's a great person but she is so attached to her family that on the wedding night, she just cried about how she missed her family and everything.

I understand that it's hard for her but her family lives only 30 minutes away but she's very sensitive that way so while I accept it, I started having some concerns from that moment onward.

Move forward 2 years and it's been difficult. When we got married, I agreed to support her until she finished school (she was already in med school). She failed out of the program and now she's obviously depressed. During this time, I had to cook, clean, look after her, pay for everything and run my business.

Due to the extra stress at home and the economic problems we have been having in the US, my business went bust. Due to all the new bills of my wife. I was forced to declare bankruptcy.

I pretty much went from riches to rags since this marriage has started. I have always been faithful however I have honestly not been very happy and I have had open and honest communication with my wife about this.

Again, I don't blame her for her actions but I do feel cheated since I gave up a lot to be with this woman only to have problem after problem with her. While very mean, it's like buying a car with no warranty and the thing keeps breaking down and I have to keep fixing it.

About 5 years ago, my previous girlfriend before my wife, and I broke up on bad terms. I'm sure many of us have been there before. I was madly in love with her but being younger and immature (and just plain stupid) I messed it up and lied and was a jerk and was dumped.

I know that is in the past and my happy puppy dog love memories are fiction but I never stopped being in love with this person. Perhaps I have had a weak moment due to the last 2 years of trouble and made the mistake of emailing my ex.

About 4 years ago, my ex had emailed me due to the death of my parents (they both died in a plane crash in 2005 and the money I had to start my business was all the inheritance from my parents which is now gone).

At the time, her email was honest and well thought. She mentioned that she knew we both made mistakes and that arguing about things is pointless. While she didn't say let bygones be bygones, her email to wish me well was a very special and nice thing to do.

At the time, I wanted to respond but was so in love with her still I did not want to create another heartbreak for myself nor did I want to start another swearing match with my ex. I felt it best I take it at face value and move on with my life. At this time I was already with my current wife (at the time gf).

It was probably my fault since at this time, as I mentioned, I was still very much in love with my ex and as I previously stated, feel that I still am in many ways.

Last night, I emailed my ex back after 4 years. For all I know, she will never get the email or decline a response but there are obviously bigger issues here.

The issue is that given all the things that have recently happened, am I just being weak? I wonder if I'm living in a time in my life where things were better than now and that is where the appeal comes from. At the time with my ex, she was a great person. Treated me well and really never felt that close to anyone else before or since. I also had a different life. One with less responsibilities and two very loving parents that I naturally still miss.

Or do I really just miss my ex? Is it her that made me so happy back then? Or is it neither? Is it my current wife that I shouldn't have married?

I know it's next to impossible to figure out for anyone but I'm afraid now that I made a huge mistake to email my ex. The email was a thank you for her email and an explanation as to my delay. I asked her to email me back as I would like to know how she's doing.

Why? I think if she wanted to hook up I'd have a hard time saying no even though I know it's beyond bad.

Anyway, comments and suggestions are welcome. If not, perhaps you can look at this and if you think things are bad, remember it could be worse!

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Old 11-04-2009, 05:29 AM   #2
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You did the right thing, regardless if your ex reads that email or not.
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Old 11-04-2009, 10:16 AM   #3
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Wait, so you got married, supported your wife while she finished school, she drops out, you pay for everything, you lose your business.

Is she trying to help you get back on your feet at all?
Sorry I know I didnt really answer your question but I'm really curious if she's trying to help you out at all, or if its still you footing the bills
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Old 11-04-2009, 10:41 AM   #4
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sounds very rough... maybe you emailed her because deep in your heart you think that your ex is the one that can comfort you

honestly though the right thing to do is confront your wife for better or for worst... you made your vows when you got married... don't start digging another hole just because the other one is turning out like crap... if you miss your ex and wants to hook up with her again, do whats right and get closure with your wife first
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Old 11-04-2009, 12:53 PM   #5
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wow your wife sound's pretty selfish,

on her wedding night shes complaining about missing her parents when your parents suffered an untimely death?

I think a wife should help you in every way to achieve the things you want to achieve and become the person you want to become. You need to re-evaluate your priorities and decide how far down you will allow her to drag you. At this point she has set you back pretty significantly and you are much worse off with her than if you guys had never met. It sounds like this marriage is forcing you to sacrifice quite a bit of your time and money for no real reason, while getting very little in return.

this relationship does not seem to be benefiting your quality of life
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Old 11-04-2009, 01:10 PM   #6
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you already know the answers to your questions , this is not the best forum to be asking for opinions
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Old 11-04-2009, 04:19 PM   #7
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seriously, i don't know your wife, but there's two side of the stories.

when you get married, it's for better or for worse. she failed school, now you feel like you married a lemon. Your business went down the drain... wouldn't she say the same thing.

stop wanting to travel back in time and reminiscing the could've or should'ves. just let it go. It's been 4 years dude, your X probably dated so many other people and possibly married. Please focus on your current marriage and PLEASE go and get help for the sake of you two.

Please don't try to find ways to justify your actions, it just won't work. Fix your marriage and change your mentailty.
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Old 11-04-2009, 04:44 PM   #8
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So....things went shitty ever since you and your wife got married. Shes selfish, acting super immature in my perspective, and just isnt helpful period.

I think you already know your answer. I bet it took you awhile to write out this whole thing. Youre thinking about reconnecting with your ex?

Personally, i'd want to too. But just before you act on it, what made you fall "in love" with your wife? is there anything to hold on to? Shes no longer the doctor that she/you wanted her to be. youre no long the successful business man you once were. sounds shitty.
But is she willing to pull herself out of her depression and help with the "family"? get her input in on this. If shes just gonna sit back and feel depressed about everything for god knows how long, then i was divorce her ass. what do you have to lose?
i mean...shes already flunked outta school for awhile now probably, and i think its time for her to help take a load off your shoulders. Face it, life sucks, and we just gotta suck it up sometimes.

Leave the ex for now, dont pursue anything as of yet. But keep contact with her. Maybe she can help you get back to your feet. She can a "coach" for you from time to time just go talk to and maybe get together with.
...then if your wife is still a straight up bum after all this time, and youre still in good close contact with your ex......then go for the ex.

4 years is a long time to have been broken up with your ex. but who knows, she might be only hooking up with lemons too.

But seriously man, when times get rough, both of you should be pitching in and bringing the joy back into the marriage.

anyways, good luck to you.
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Old 11-04-2009, 04:57 PM   #9
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If you think you're overwhelmed with stress and problems now, i don't think meeting up with your ex is going to help.
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Old 11-04-2009, 05:06 PM   #10
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But keep contact with [the ex]. Maybe she can help you get back to your feet. She can a "coach" for you from time to time just go talk to and maybe get together with.
Trust me, this is not a good idea.
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Old 11-04-2009, 05:19 PM   #11
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you already know the answers to your questions , this is not the best forum to be asking for opinions
because of responses like these

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Wait, so you got married, supported your wife while she finished school, she drops out, you pay for everything, you lose your business.

Is she trying to help you get back on your feet at all?
Sorry I know I didnt really answer your question but I'm really curious if she's trying to help you out at all, or if its still you footing the bills
This is something I also want to know. You're essentially only giving your half of the story (which isn't necessarily misrepresented btw, but it is certainly biased to a certain extent).

I mean, your wife has to be doing something right, if you're still together. Maybe that's something to explore first.
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Old 11-04-2009, 05:32 PM   #12
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Dont quit (cheat) on your marriage before you have completely exhausted every single possible option. You do not want to look back in your life and regret that you gave up on something that could still work, hard work yes...but all marriages are hard work. It ain't no walk in the park.
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Old 11-04-2009, 05:50 PM   #13
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Dont quit (cheat) on your marriage before you have completely exhausted every single possible option. You do not want to look back in your life and regret that you gave up on something that could still work, hard work yes...but all marriages are hard work. It ain't no walk in the park.
I agree with this guy. You already made a mistake with your ex and look back at it with regrets. Don't do it again with your wife.
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Old 11-04-2009, 06:48 PM   #14
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seriously, i don't know your wife, but there's two side of the stories.

when you get married, it's for better or for worse. she failed school, now you feel like you married a lemon. Your business went down the drain... wouldn't she say the same thing.

stop wanting to travel back in time and reminiscing the could've or should'ves. just let it go. It's been 4 years dude, your X probably dated so many other people and possibly married. Please focus on your current marriage and PLEASE go and get help for the sake of you two.

Please don't try to find ways to justify your actions, it just won't work. Fix your marriage and change your mentailty.
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Again, I don't blame her for her actions but I do feel cheated since I gave up a lot to be with this woman only to have problem after problem with her. While very mean, it's like buying a car with no warranty and the thing keeps breaking down and I have to keep fixing it.
i think if a husband/wife starts to feel "cheated" from their spouse out of situations they couldn't control (getting kicked out of school/having you support her while she's in a slump) then it's probably time that maybe you evaluate what kind of relationship this is. did you 2 marry too soon? was the relationship already rocky beforehand and you both felt too comfortable so you did it anyways?

marriage isn't dating and yes it sucks that you too suffered a major loss recently...but this isn't just about how you need to fix her. it's about both of you and how the both of you are going to fix the issue. not your ex, not you, not your wife, but YOU+WIFE.
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Old 11-04-2009, 11:30 PM   #15
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I'm sorry to hear about your parents, it must've been devastating to lose someone you love so soon and so sudden.

Your wife may be dropped out of Med school, but I'm sure she has a decent job or is capable of one. Not everyone can enroll into Med school. What is she doing now in support of the family? What are you doing now?

If your wife is sitting at home doing nothing but being depressed, then you have ground to take some actions. However, it seems to me that you're not doing much either.
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Old 11-04-2009, 11:51 PM   #16
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Your wife may be dropped out of Med school, but I'm sure she has a decent job or is capable of one.
Believe it or not, once you are in med school, it is virtually impossible to dropped out of med school.. They will ask you to repeat courses, yes, but get kicked out is another thing.. unless you a shy of killing a patient on purpose.. it is virtually impossible. (the school and gov have too much $$$ invested in the student to let them fail). They always want you to return, even if you drop out. A former classmates of my sister return to finish her schooling after 5 years of "vacation", no question asked.

The wife has serious issues, besides the original poster is letting on.

Both should get counseling.. before involving with something extra marital.

Last edited by godwin; 11-05-2009 at 12:11 AM.
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Old 11-05-2009, 12:15 AM   #17
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I highly doubt you'd married her if she was such a dud...unless it was some kind of arranged marriage or got her knocked up. So having that in mind, I'm sure that post of yours will be taken with a grain of salt.

Girl's 2 Pennies.

1) You messaging your ex:
-That's great, finally closure to a 4 year old, stale e-mail mixed with genuine care and probably a bit of biased love in there at the time. But that's what it is, a stale email from 4 years ago that actually should have been left in the dusty corner...I mean 2 years...sure...but 4?

But I digress, bottom line is, you did nothing wrong, you just decided to respond to a caring friend after 4 years and wanted to bring closure for both of you. The only reason you would feel bad about sending this said email is if you subconsciously know or you're hope that this will lead to something more. As most people have mentioned, you seem to be grasping for hope [your ex] within the misery[your life].

Someone once told me that character is who we are when we think nobody is looking. The biggest growth we experience in ourselves or in our relationships with people is always through the lows, because it makes the highs so much more sweet. It's just too bad that society today chooses convenience and walking away rather than facing the problem that they had helped in creating.

What made you fall in love with your wife in the beginning anyways? Why her? Maybe you've been so concentrating on the bad so much that you've forgotten the positive. Take a step back and drop the pride, drop the ego and for a second think about the 2 years you've had with your wife and see it through her eyes, her thoughts, her views.

But hey, we're just a bunch of random, immature strangers on the internet, tootin' our horns, no need to take us seriously eh? But I'm sure you won't get any better responses on Craigslist...


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Old 11-05-2009, 04:18 AM   #18
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character is who we are when we think nobody is looking. The biggest growth we experience in ourselves or in our relationships with people is always through the lows, because it makes the highs so much more sweet
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Old 11-05-2009, 11:05 AM   #19
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To me, contacting your ex seems that much more tempting BECAUSE of the fact that you have a strained relationship with your wife.
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Old 11-05-2009, 11:46 AM   #20
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Believe it or not, once you are in med school, it is virtually impossible to dropped out of med school.. They will ask you to repeat courses, yes, but get kicked out is another thing.. unless you a shy of killing a patient on purpose.. it is virtually impossible. (the school and gov have too much $$$ invested in the student to let them fail). They always want you to return, even if you drop out. A former classmates of my sister return to finish her schooling after 5 years of "vacation", no question asked.
Interesting.. so maybe the wife said she failed out and is depressed about something else?
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Old 11-05-2009, 02:03 PM   #21
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Thanks for the input.

I understand it's hard since there is probably missing information and of course not both sides of the story.

First, I would never cheat on my wife - if things were so bad that I was to consider going down that road I/we would be divorced or legally seperated before that ever happened. I generally do not believe in divorce but understand there are times where it may be the only solution.

I also do not hate my wife although I can say with some honesty, I do not like her very much right now. You have to understand. I sold my car, took money out of the business that was suppose to be used to tie things over during this recession. I was prepared for the worse and I took a chance because my wife really wanted to do med and was accepted.

First, I mentioned my parents passing simply to illustrate the fact that I've financially lost a substantial inheritance that was lost through the business. While the business failed, the main reason for the business failing is because of my wife. Ultimately, I made the choices and accept the fact that those choices resulted in a financial meltdown.

My wife is taking some classes (3 currently) trying to figure out where she went wrong. Admittance back into med school after you fail is not something you can just walk back into. She is in the US, we both are, but Canada is not any different.

The truth is, we should have waited until everything was settled before marriage. Perhaps that would have been a smarter move however at the time we didn't want to wait. She's not a bad person. Yes, she has poor work ethic (the main reason for her dismissal from med school) but she's a good person, always encourages me even during difficult times like this.

I think my issue is that every time I see her, I can't control how I feel. I feel like she's ruined my life and is doing very little to help. At times like this, it makes whatever great things I think or feel towards her vaporize in the light of what she did.

The other side of this is that I will openly admit that I am still in love with the past relationship I had. I am not saying I am still in love with the same person because people change and circumstances change.

My email was not an intent to 'get back' with her however this is something that I started to think about after the email. I can say without a doubt that the most happiest times in my life were with her at that point in my life.

I will figure out a way to get back on my feet. I could get a decent job once the economy picks up again. While it might seem like it, it's not about the money.

It's about pulling your own weight. Do I love my ex? I love what we had but to say I love her is difficult to say. 4 years is a long time.
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Old 11-05-2009, 02:49 PM   #22
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don't look back look ahead. when times get rough don't take the easy path. grind it out brotha. happiness comes from within. you sound like you've had a lot of rough times and I'm sure you are the type to be able to handle it. discipline weighs an ounce regret weighs a tonne. I think you need stability right now and going back with your ex would NOT provide that. your goal is to get back on your feet and whether you are with your ex or your wife it still largely depends on yourself. you probably think your ex would put you in a better mental state to accomplish your goals, but you can do it without. once you are back on your feet and still unhappy with your wife than maybe there are bigger issues at hand
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Old 11-05-2009, 03:03 PM   #23
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I do not understand how your wife "ruined your life and did very little to help." I mean, if the business failed, it failed, unless she was suppose to be helping or a services that involving her directly. I really don't see how her actions justifies her wrong doing. No offence, I'm pretty much guessing your business just sucked and that was pretty much it. Stop blaming your wife.

Take away the fillers; your X, your fail did bad in school, pretty much it's just you. 'Waiting for things to settle' before getting married was not the problem. It's YOU trying to find a scapegoat, YOU not realizing marriage takes work, and yes, when you say for better or for worse.... it's literally means for better or for worse.

I do give props to you for not cheating on your wife and hopnig the economy picks up again to get a job, but get some help. Stop pointing fingers at her, point them at yourself and ask yourself what you can do to make the situation better.
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Old 11-05-2009, 03:41 PM   #24
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^ couldnt agree more

I mean, you knew from the beginning that your wife was really attached to her family, so you knew what you were getting into even before you married. She decided med school, and im sure you both talked it over and you supported her, and her failing out is her problem but you cannot use that as a blame to fully justify the crash of your business.
If was your decision (im guessing entirely your decision since it was YOUR money) to start a business with that money, knowing the circumstances and the situation your marriage was in.

Im just trying to say that you can't blame it on your wife and really believe that she ruined your life in the past couple of years. You made decisions for yourself and you have to take responsibility for that, not push the blame on your wife who has been going through a rough time as well just so you can make yourself feel better for all the the bad things thas happened in your life.

As for the ex issue, move on. I applaud you for not cheating. Everyone has some part of their past that they wish happened differently including myself, but people move on. Especially it being 4 years ago. Put all that energy you're putting into blaming your wife and how she ruined your life into making the situation better for you both, and your marriage.
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Old 11-05-2009, 05:06 PM   #25
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I do not understand how your wife "ruined your life and did very little to help." I mean, if the business failed, it failed, unless she was suppose to be helping or a services that involving her directly. I really don't see how her actions justifies her wrong doing. No offence, I'm pretty much guessing your business just sucked and that was pretty much it. Stop blaming your wife.
If you have never ran a business, i wouldn't suggest that be said. If you have then you should know the amount of money that is required to run the business, cash avaliablity during this once ever 100 year recession crisis is the utmost importance. If the money was diverted to her wife, that was for inventory, payment to clients but couldn't be then. Like i said, your comments aren't very nice.

He sacraficed his business for his wife, yes i agree he can't blame her, but if the wife knew the money that should of stayed with the business was used to put her through med school, but she failed out of it. I'll be pretty bummed out.

So my 2 pennies tell me, your comments should not be taken into account unless you've run a business.
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