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Evolutionian 12-05-2009 02:28 PM

Advise Needed..
 
So.. recently.. i finally found a girl that attracts me differently than others.. this time im really committed.. and i've lost interest in looking at other girls.. and it seems like shes the only girl that i would want to stay with..

heres the story tho.. its kinda F'd Up..
Little back ground on the girl.. she works as a server.. night shift.. ususally off at 11pm sometimes 12pm.. ive asked her co-workers.. she doesnt hang out with anyone after work.. usually go straight home.. i got to know her thru a friend who also works there and some how managed to get her number and msn.. she doesnt like phoning.. she text all day long.. (confirmed fact) as she only calls her mother.. and never get phone calls from anyone else during the times we hang out..

story Begins..

So.. a week ago i went to eat at this restaurant.. and i saw her working.. since i already knew her.. i waved at her and stuff.. after eatting.. just before i go.. i asked her how'd she get home (as usually she gets a ride from this other girl, and that girl wasnt around)..

she answers: skytrain..
me: oh i thought someone was gonna take you..
she then says: well do i look like i have a ride home?

so i end up coming back to the front door after i left originally to offer her a ride.. she wasnt sure at first cause she thought she was giving me hassle.. so i told her dont worry its fine.. so yes i end up taking her home.. (my friend was in the car..)

next day we hung out again after me picking her up after work.. originally i was just talking to her about hot fudge sundae and stuff wasnt expecting her to actually wanna go after work.. but she texted me, so we went for frozen yogurt.. at first she didnt know people were coming.. so just the two of us.. then i asked if its ok for my friends to follow.. she was fine..

two days after yogurt i picked her up after work and hung out again and had late dinner together.. we had lots of fun and chat alot.. she mentions that her bf never picks her up even if shes sick and not feeling well..

so after that we kept hanging out after work.. she always sees me after work.. and one day she told me "dont worry about me its ok" and she said she doesnt wanna bother me cuz i live far.. i told her its ok i want to take her home.. she replies "Dont push yourself ok?" end up taking her home again.. and we also went for food..

we basically hung out everyday she worked.. she always come out after work.. althought refusing a few times i had to explain to her that i want to take her.. but it all ended when she went to see her once a week bf, she text me late that day saying she cant talk to me anymore shes having difficulty with her bf..

sounds like the bf has beef.. :(

what should i do?
am i in the wrong to even consider her?
any other advise?

acyx 12-05-2009 03:13 PM

i think you should leave her...
even if she refused a few times she still shouldnt have taken it when she has a bf..

i wouldve think she was into you if she saw you that often.. n picking her up all the time after work

im sure she knew you were interested and for her to keep doing that.. not cool. now shes ditching you for her bf? wth

Evolutionian 12-05-2009 03:18 PM

well her text was like.. hey "myname", i dont think we can talk anymore... or for a bit.. im having difficulties with my bf.. and then she thanked me for some other things i've done for her and then also pulled some joke about it..

TOS'd 12-05-2009 03:35 PM

back off. leave her alone for now. she will want to hang out when things clear up on her end.

liu13 12-05-2009 03:47 PM

leave the girl alone until she is single

Meowjin 12-05-2009 07:39 PM

just out of curiousity what resteraunt?

and yeah stay away.

tiger_handheld 12-05-2009 07:51 PM

start counting the days till she's single, cuz it'll happen soon.....

like ppl said - give her some ayer...

ebee 12-06-2009 12:45 AM

back off. you're being a homewrecker. and her a cheater if she breaks up with him to be with you.

Preemo 12-06-2009 12:52 AM

^ Once a cheater, always a cheater!

You gotta look at it 360° man.

miss_crayon 12-06-2009 01:47 AM

i say, stop thinking and overanalyzing the situation. she already told you a good enough reason for you to back off (for now) and it's she is having issues with her boyfriend. let that shit unravel between the 2 and if she comes back when she's single...then consider it. but for now...it's a done deal.

canadianaboy 12-06-2009 09:05 AM

Everyone here is right, if you would look at a post I had earlier, I was in the same situation, then she ended up having an engagement ring. Leave her alone, don't let your actions influence her relationship status with her boyfriend, if you do get in between, it makes her second guess her relationship with him. If I were you I would leave it alone or if you really like her, play your position and wait patiently, last thing you want to be is a homewrecker and for her to become a cheat

Evolutionian 12-06-2009 11:49 AM

thanks all!
i am pretty sure i've gotten myself out of the friend zone or possible friend zoning when she say she cant see me cause of her bf now..
so you guys will all tell me to back off.. but keep sitting in this position if i think shes worth it (which i do)?

yuusha 12-06-2009 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebee (Post 6715535)
back off. you're being a homewrecker. and her a cheater if she breaks up with him to be with you.

IF she's married/engaged, then OP can be called a homewrecker. Otherwise she's fair game. Just because she's taken doesn't mean she's off limits. In the end she weighed her options and chose her bf.

I think we're mature enough to let people make their relationship choices without such labels 'cause in such a scenario, can we really say what is wrong or right? I think it's neither, just life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Preemo (Post 6715542)
^ Once a cheater, always a cheater!

You gotta look at it 360° man.

Did she cheat on her bf? I don't think so - she hasn't slept with OP or declared interest in him overtly, from what we know she's done nothing wrong except to make her bf jealous.

Spending too much time with a friend isn't cheating, from what I recall. Showing interest and doing intimate things with said friend, however, is.

ebee 12-06-2009 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by min.tee (Post 6715873)
IF she's married/engaged, then OP can be called a homewrecker. Otherwise she's fair game. Just because she's taken doesn't mean she's off limits. In the end she weighed her options and chose her bf.

I think we're mature enough to let people make their relationship choices without such labels 'cause in such a scenario, can we really say what is wrong or right? I think it's neither, just life.



Did she cheat on her bf? I don't think so - she hasn't slept with OP or declared interest in him overtly, from what we know she's done nothing wrong except to make her bf jealous.

Spending too much time with a friend isn't cheating, from what I recall. Showing interest and doing intimate things with said friend, however, is.

This topic's come up in this forum many times, all said times, it's been agreed upon that this would be considered homewrecking. This isn't just what "I" classify as homewrecking. It's many people, and most, but of course, not all, like yourself, think it's not the right thing to do. It's all down to morals really.

I've included some links if you'd like to have a look.
http://www.revscene.net/forums/word-...ht=homewrecker
http://www.revscene.net/forums/homew...ht=homewrecker
http://www.revscene.net/forums/homew...ht=homewrecker


Also, the OP in this case said himself that he wants more than friendship, that he, and i quote, "finally found a girl that attracts me differently than others.. this time im really committed.. and i've lost interest in looking at other girls.. and it seems like shes the only girl that i would want to stay with.." He is obviously looking for more, and to keep hanging out with her like this, he is looking for the crack so he can go in.

I'm not saying he is in the wrong entirely. This is really up to both parties. He is asking for advice, and most people here are saying that he should back off.

Evolutionian 12-06-2009 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebee (Post 6715890)
This topic's come up in this forum many times, all said times, it's been agreed upon that this would be considered homewrecking. This isn't just what "I" classify as homewrecking. It's many people, and most, but of course, not all, like yourself, think it's not the right thing to do. It's all down to morals really.

I've included some links if you'd like to have a look.
http://www.revscene.net/forums/word-...ht=homewrecker
http://www.revscene.net/forums/homew...ht=homewrecker
http://www.revscene.net/forums/homew...ht=homewrecker


Also, the OP in this case said himself that he wants more than friendship, that he, and i quote, "finally found a girl that attracts me differently than others.. this time im really committed.. and i've lost interest in looking at other girls.. and it seems like shes the only girl that i would want to stay with.." He is obviously looking for more, and to keep hanging out with her like this, he is looking for the crack so he can go in.

I'm not saying he is in the wrong entirely. This is really up to both parties. He is asking for advice, and most people here are saying that he should back off.

heres my take.
i would have to say i get disgust by the bf, if its sunny day and she lives close to work, walking home is nothing, -3 outside, her house is 5min driving, 45min busing and skytraining, the bf lives in vancouver, i live in langley, she works in richmond. this girl walks home in cold icy rainy days, snowy days, she gets off late at work, and EVEN if she does call her bf, she doesnt get a ride from her bf. "As a friend" which i begin with, i took her home a couple times which made myself feel more and more towards her, "As a bf" if the guy had done his job right, i wouldnt have the room to get this close.

apparently the guy is too busy cuz hes "in school"

im not saying im right, its against my moral to do this as well, however, im not forcing her to break up with him, im showing her what i can do, after all its up to her, to make the decision, which shes starting to do, so im backing off, im not planning to lose the friendship tho.

the girl is not married or engaged, and like i said, once a week for a guy to see his gf and not complaint.. somethings wrong i see.

i will say this. If i dont think i can do better, i wont try to wreck someones relationship, im in the wrong to try and get in between, but if its for a girls interest and her safety and her better and easier life, i can take the bad name. however, if she says "F off" then i will back off (which im doing at the moment, even tho i havent gotten a F off yet)

just my personal opinion.

liu13 12-06-2009 01:10 PM

if it makes u feel better, u can drive me home from work every day

Evolutionian 12-06-2009 01:13 PM

guys, i understand the moral part, and its haunting me as well, cause im usually full of morals, i dont like doing stuff like wrecking relationships and stuff, this is also why im asking you guys on here.

for now i will back off, im trying to makesure that i dont lose a friendship.
and asking your gf to stay away from a "friend" who takes good care of her, have her walk home in super cold weather instead of sometimes get home quicker safer and warmer, while you just sit at home "Studying, busy with school with heat on"

i dont know.. its like asking me to quit a job that keeps me alive, but not offering me another option to live..

its just my opinion.. im asking too much for this short period of time.. so im backing off, and i will re-think a couple more times to makesure im doing whats morally possible for me. but i just truthfully ask you guys to take these things into consideration. :)

thanks

Meowjin 12-06-2009 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by min.tee (Post 6715873)
IF she's married/engaged, then OP can be called a homewrecker. Otherwise she's fair game. Just because she's taken doesn't mean she's off limits. In the end she weighed her options and chose her bf.

I think we're mature enough to let people make their relationship choices without such labels 'cause in such a scenario, can we really say what is wrong or right? I think it's neither, just life.



Did she cheat on her bf? I don't think so - she hasn't slept with OP or declared interest in him overtly, from what we know she's done nothing wrong except to make her bf jealous.

Spending too much time with a friend isn't cheating, from what I recall. Showing interest and doing intimate things with said friend, however, is.

douche

!Nhan 12-06-2009 11:26 PM

Don't step on someone elses shoes cuz in the end youl wouldn't want your shoes to be stepped on either.

To min.tee: are you saying that it would be okay for a guy to come into your relationship and have that person show your SO that they can be better than you are? I don't know about you but I think about 99.999999% of the population would beg to differ. Its not fun when someone tries to step on your shoes. Trust me.
Posted via RS Mobile

yuusha 12-07-2009 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by !nhan (Post 6716542)
Don't step on someone elses shoes cuz in the end youl wouldn't want your shoes to be stepped on either.

To min.tee: are you saying that it would be okay for a guy to come into your relationship and have that person show your SO that they can be better than you are? I don't know about you but I think about 99.999999% of the population would beg to differ. Its not fun when someone tries to step on your shoes. Trust me.
Posted via RS Mobile

I'm not saying that I wouldn't mind someone stepping onto my turf, and I acknowledge the girl's bf's right to get jealous and be protective. I'm just saying that OP and the girl may be on moral gray area but that does not mean OP deserves to be called a homewrecker, and the girl a cheat. Like I said before, what has OP done to hurt their relationship, other than be friendly and drive her home in the cold/rain? OP may show intent, but that doesn't mean he's done anything out of line to further his relationship with the girl - in fact he's stated he's doing the opposite and backing off.

Unfortunately, I know all about having someone step on my shoes, and stepping on someone else's shoes. But that's just a part of life. If people really cared so much about following the relationship rules of engagement, then we wouldn't have so many single/divorced parents. In any case, it's down to your personal choices. OP might see this girl as worth taking a chance for, and girl might see OP as worth dumping her busy bf for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebee (Post 6715890)
This topic's come up in this forum many times, all said times, it's been agreed upon that this would be considered homewrecking. This isn't just what "I" classify as homewrecking. It's many people, and most, but of course, not all, like yourself, think it's not the right thing to do. It's all down to morals really.

I've included some links if you'd like to have a look.
http://www.revscene.net/forums/word-...ht=homewrecker
http://www.revscene.net/forums/homew...ht=homewrecker
http://www.revscene.net/forums/homew...ht=homewrecker

The general consensus means nothing in a matter of personal choice and morals. Again, can we really say that OP is right or wrong on the matter? Let me answer that.

No, because we are not the ones in his situation - we are only juxtaposing ourselves in his situation and posting our opinions based on the information we've been given. And that's what all those links you needlessly posted are: opinion, which varies per person just as much as their morals. Which is what it all comes down to, just as you said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebee (Post 6715890)
Also, the OP in this case said himself that he wants more than friendship, that he, and i quote, "finally found a girl that attracts me differently than others.. this time im really committed.. and i've lost interest in looking at other girls.. and it seems like shes the only girl that i would want to stay with.." He is obviously looking for more, and to keep hanging out with her like this, he is looking for the crack so he can go in.

I'm not saying he is in the wrong entirely. This is really up to both parties. He is asking for advice, and most people here are saying that he should back off.

Again, intent is not always materialized into action. He may still be searching for the crack through which to enter into her relationship, but he hasn't done any harm to either party yet, which is why I have to ask why people like Preemo are already saying the girl is a cheater, and that OP is a homewrecker.

True, he's just asking for advice, which is why I don't understand why people are so quick to judge and label him and the girl.

canadianaboy 12-07-2009 10:33 AM

Okay after weighing in on what everyone is saying, I believe that you backing off is the right decision, especially if he asked her to ask you to stop. The thing I think it is was a timing issue, had you been a long time friend of hers, it may have been different, in this case, you may have come out of the blue and be her knight in shining armor so to speak, so she wouldn't have to walk home and the cold etc. For me im all for being a nice dude to girls, but you may be stepping on his feet because it's stuff that he's supposed to be doing for her. Just look at it as a job opportunity, you work one job with no benefits and are not appreciated and a new job comes your way same pay, better benefits and they really appreciate you. Naturally you would be attracted to the second job. Youre a good dude from what you said you were doing, but since she has a boyfriend, it may be best to wait

!Nhan 12-07-2009 10:47 AM

It is possible that she has already developed feelings for him, which would technically make it cheating, as cheating comes physically and emotionally. But again I dont' know if this is a fact or not.

ecchiecchi 12-07-2009 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evolutionian (Post 6715903)
heres my take.
i would have to say i get disgust by the bf, if its sunny day and she lives close to work, walking home is nothing, -3 outside, her house is 5min driving, 45min busing and skytraining, the bf lives in vancouver, i live in langley, she works in richmond. this girl walks home in cold icy rainy days, snowy days, she gets off late at work, and EVEN if she does call her bf, she doesnt get a ride from her bf. "As a friend" which i begin with, i took her home a couple times which made myself feel more and more towards her, "As a bf" if the guy had done his job right, i wouldnt have the room to get this close.

It honestly doesn't matter what you think, because she thinks differently, no? She doesn't seem to be breaking up with him. At the end of the day, you're just an outsider who doesn't know anything about their whole circumstance. No matter how much of an awesome guy you are- no one has the right to specifically complicate a couple's relationship.

Quote:

apparently the guy is too busy cuz hes "in school"

im not saying im right, its against my moral to do this as well, however, im not forcing her to break up with him, im showing her what i can do, after all its up to her, to make the decision, which shes starting to do, so im backing off, im not planning to lose the friendship tho.
It seems like you're pushing that you're way more than what the bf could be. Do you know the boyfriend's circumstances? Or are you just firm that the boyfriend's a jackass based on what you heard from the girl?

Showing her how much better you are is basically just adding confusion to their relationship. Back off and let them deal with their situation.

Quote:

the girl is not married or engaged, and like i said, once a week for a guy to see his gf and not complaint.. somethings wrong i see.

i will say this. If i dont think i can do better, i wont try to wreck someones relationship, im in the wrong to try and get in between, but if its for a girls interest and her safety and her better and easier life, i can take the bad name. however, if she says "F off" then i will back off (which im doing at the moment, even tho i havent gotten a F off yet)

just my personal opinion.
You honestly have no right to decide for them. You're just an outsider. A stranger who thinks you could do better than the next person. Guess what, almost everyone thinks that way. If you wanna play that card, go be a stalker and know their whole circumstance before you spout your heroic nonsense.

No matter how much this girl is complaining about this guy- I don't see her breaking up with him. Have you even asked why that is?

The way I see it- there's love behind every complaint. It's just an expression of love when something doesn't go your way. She maybe complaining about this guy a lot, but she also seems to be working hard to improve the relationship.

Back-up and wait. If it doesn't work out and you still have strong feelings for her, you will have your chance. Let her deal with this relationship- after all, no matter how good or bad a relationship turns out to be, it helps people become more mature.

Evolutionian 12-07-2009 02:52 PM

thanks for the harsh yet kind words, you speak truth.. and i understand hence im backing off.. all im saying.. is since i have feelings for this girl.. i really hope this guy gets it.. i dont know the bf personally.. but around the circle no one seem to know him very much.. he doesnt show up around her very often at all.. but like you said.. none of us can judge.. im staying in the dark side and wait for now.. but if he ever make a mistake.. i think ill take the chances.. just not for now.

keep it coming guys!!!

danlee78 12-07-2009 02:58 PM

just because there is a goal keeper, doesn't mean that no goals will go in unless ur Luongo

i'm not sayin OP is in the clear, but looks to me that the girl sees her bf "once a week" (that must say something about the relationship)


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