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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 12-09-2010, 02:53 PM   #1
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Decaying Friendships

I know it's common to hear that as one grows older, the more friends you lose.

I've come to the realization lately that I've lost a best friend that I practically grew up with. I messed up once, and apologized... but I guess one mistake will take ten times the effort to make up for and even then, it might not even be enough. Although at the time, I was forgiven, things weren't the same afterwards. I put effort into the friendship, but I always felt like there is a barrier between us. We have developed totally different goals and mindsets.. and sometimes I wonder if its just because we have grown apart. It's basically gotten to the point where we have nothing to say to each other anymore.

Is there anything more I could do?

Does anyone have a similar experience? Outcomes?

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Old 12-09-2010, 03:07 PM   #2
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well ive had different sets of friends throught elementary and highschool, and i can definately say that after highschool is when you really weed out who your real friends are and who your acquaintances are. Like you said as we grow older most of the time friends drift apart it just happens people find out who they really are as they age and have their own life to live and schedule to follow.
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:18 PM   #3
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Sometimes friends just need space, you know? Time to heal and forget. Some people can't forgive, some people just need space before they can look back at the past and laugh. You know what they say, deep wounds take longer to heal.

I had a huge fight with someone two years ago, a friend who I stopped talking to over some girl. It wasn't until a year had passed before I could laugh about that bs and forget about it. I had known him for about 7 years before that. We're still not as tight as we used to be but we're on good terms again and hang out once a week roughly.

So from being on the opposite side of the coin, I'd say just wait. Trying too hard might just bring up the bad memories sooner than he's ready to laugh them off. Wait for a sign that he's no longer mad at you..
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:26 PM   #4
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Ha. Try getting married and having kids. Getting older, maturing, drifting apart. This is all a part of becoming adults. Most of your friends from school are your friends because they are the people you see for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week. If you guys hung out after school and on weekends, great. But once school ends and you guys get real jobs, it is hard to find time to hang out. Then add relationships. You S/O might not like your friends and want you to hang out with her friends. Add in living on your own so you have to find time to do house chores. Grocery shopping, laundry, vaccuming.
Finally, getting married and having kids.

It's a part of life. If you can pick up the phone and call them and have things to talk about great. But if you don't, don't feel too bad. In your life time, you will meet many people but your true best friend will always be your S/O.
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Old 12-09-2010, 03:43 PM   #5
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Kinda true, as you become older and mature, friends and priorities change. The cool ppl I once hung out in highschool, I don't even talk to anymore. The cool crew becomes the tool crew when the real world comes about. I was more academically focused while my cool friends just dicked around and now most of them are just doing some labor job.

As mentioned above, it's just part of life. It's only a matter of time you realize certain things and what is going to be good for you and what is not.
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Old 12-09-2010, 07:29 PM   #6
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The cool crew becomes the tool crew when the real world comes about. I was more academically focused while my cool friends just dicked around and now most of them are just doing some labor job.
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Old 12-09-2010, 08:06 PM   #7
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ive only lost 2 real good friends...and both of them were lost due to them moving away!

in highschool we wernt the super popular kids in school...but we were far from being the geeks nobody knew! weekends would come, party would be ato someones house...or we'd go out in a group of 20 friends....once we finished highschool....i now only hang out with 4-5 people from my graduating class, not that i mind though, because we see each other on almost a daily basis, casual drinks every other night, video games on the other nights, hanging out watching movies....

weirdest part of it though, one of my now best friends, is someone i wasnt even friends with in highschool...i would have considered this person to be one of the most popular guys in the school, we had nothing in common then...yet now, were best friends.

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Old 12-09-2010, 10:25 PM   #8
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No need to be dramatic, time heals all wounds...
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Old 12-09-2010, 11:53 PM   #9
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Hard to say. I'm almost 30, and I currently have a very tight circle of maybe 10 friends (not acquaintances), 80% of whom I met in the last 3 years alone. People see us together and don't believe us when we tell them how long (short) we know each other.

In high school I had no more than a handful at any given time, and they were nowhere close to what I have now in terms of tightness. Looking back, I just hung with them because there was nobody else more compatible. In fact, I don't even keep in touch with anyone from highschool, and currently have only 1 university friend who I actually shared a class with.

It took a while to figure out, but the only real "secret" (if you can call it that) is that you need to make friends with people who truly appreciate your friendship, as opposed to those who hang out with you simply because they're single and disappear the minute they hook up. And trust me, MANY people are lame that way. These are the same people I tell to take a hike when they suddenly want to hang out again after a breakup.

Well, now that I think about it, the other "secret" is to not screw people over in general. It will come back and bite you in the a$$, even years down the road. My philosophy is "You can never know too much, or know too many people".

Maybe I'm just thinking like a bachelor, but some of my friends are dating, or engaged, or married.. but we ALL make time for each other here and there.

To the OP, the only piece of advice I can give you is.. go and meet more people. There are over 2m people in the GVRD alone, and if you are only sticking to your circle of highschool friends or coworkers, that is 0.01% of the people out there. The way I see it, tenure does NOT equal closeness when it comes to friendships. Many people make this mistake imo.

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Old 12-10-2010, 06:14 AM   #10
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We do live in different provinces so that is probably a contributing factor for us drifting apart, though, we were still able to remain relatively close the first two years he moved away.

I know there's not much that can be done, it's just a shitty deal to think about. Thanks for the input guys.
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Old 12-10-2010, 01:36 PM   #11
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I'm glad I have the friends I do.
Were more of a family actually, a big dysfunctional extended family.
Sure we get pissed off about trivial shit and we bicker all the time.
But I wouldn't trade em for anything.

Distance does play a role as well, mainly how we all became friends in the first place.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:42 PM   #12
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Better to have few close friends then a large group of people who don't give a shit about you.

Remember: quality > quantity
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:59 AM   #13
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OP these things happen, some people drift closer, some farther away. That's just human/social nature.. things change.

That being said, if your "mistake" was enough to drive the friendship apart... then the friendship was not that strong in the first place.

That is assuming it wasn't some catastrophic mistake.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:14 AM   #14
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I wouldn't worry about it. When you get older, things will look more in perspective to you which may be difficult for you to see right now. But one thing I can tell you that I learned once I got older is:

Just because you don't talk/see/hang out with each other anymore doesn't mean that you guys are any less of a friend to each other.



I have old friends that I haven't seen in years (because they've gotten married, started a family, moved to a different location for work, etc) that I would still give the shirt off my back for.

Life happens, but respect and great memories built over time never goes away, and doesn't diminish without reason.
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Old 12-29-2010, 02:56 PM   #15
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Kinda true, as you become older and mature, friends and priorities change. The cool ppl I once hung out in highschool, I don't even talk to anymore. The cool crew becomes the tool crew when the real world comes about. I was more academically focused while my cool friends just dicked around and now most of them are just doing some labor job.

As mentioned above, it's just part of life. It's only a matter of time you realize certain things and what is going to be good for you and what is not.
man thats what my parents always say
its totally true though
im basicallly in the same boat as you were
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:15 PM   #16
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i had tons of friends in highschool that i thought i would remain friends with all my life.


well, ten years later, i have just as many friends, but NONE of them are the ones that i projected. 65-70% of the friends i had in highschool i havent seen since then, the other 30-35% i dont speak to/see enough to even consider them friends, and my absolute best friend for much of my adolescent/teen life i speak to maybe once every two months and actually see maybe 2-3 times a year. we went through epic highs and epic lows, and that will keep us in touch forever.

things change, and the fact of the matter is, as you mature and discover yourself, and the rest of the world, you find that there are a lot of people out there and you're bound to lose touch/connections with "friends" as you evolve as a person, and the new you finds more compatible companions.
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:27 PM   #17
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Damn.... Im only 18 and this thread is making me think.
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Old 01-06-2011, 03:12 PM   #18
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i now keep in contact with 3 or so of my highschool friends

alot of them are on my facebook but i couldnt care less for their existence
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Old 01-06-2011, 04:33 PM   #19
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i'm alone.
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Old 01-06-2011, 04:47 PM   #20
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Being in different provinces isn't really gonna help bring you two back together either. I mean, depends where you two are in your lives. If he/she comes back every now and then, you guys can hang out. I'm sure if you asked, he/she wouldn't say no.

A close friend of mine I knew since high school moved to Seattle to go to post-secondary. We were super close back then. And now it's no where near as close. It's been 3 or 4 years since he's moved away. He moved back about a year ago, and I've probably only seen him 3 times since.

If there was a bit of an incident/falling out for whatever reason, it'll be even harder. But as time passes, there's really no reason why you two can't hang out every now and then; unless he's holding that big of a grudge.

Like everyone said, it's all part of growing up. I have a full time job now, I have a girlfriend, I have housework to do, I have side projects, etc. So I'm lucky to see my friends twice a week these days. I mean, you could always put everything off and hang out with people everyday, but at the same time, you wanna be moving forward in life and getting stuff done; and so do your friends.
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