"Putting the ball in her court" is a bad choice. I know its counter intuitive at this moment, but take on a more aggressive role. Let her know about how her sudden change of heart is bullshit and you deserve a better explanation. Fuck letting her make the ultimate decision to end it or not.

You may be right, but right now I don't want to believe that.
I agree, I'm not an option. Either we are or were not. She has never done this to me before so I will give her the time she asked for to think about things.

I hope you are wrong, but I would not be surprised at this point if you are right.

QFT.

Sorry man, listening to your responses it doesn't sound like it's in your favor. It seems like there may have been signs of her unhappiness but you may not have picked up on them, either bcs you dont' spend much time together or she hasn't been leaving hints and just brooding. But even then, there's usually hints.

It also sounds like for you, things have been going pretty well. You have a have a job you like, a gf, financially stable etc.. You're living the dream, you both maybe on different tracks of life atm.

The last gf I had that wanted to live together didn't work out either. I thought we were moving in bcs we're getting ready to have a serious relationship, she thought she was moving in bcs it would be fun to live together.

keep up us updated

work to live, not the other way around.

Indeed. I was the other way around unfortunately.
I guess we will see how it pans out. I'm hoping for the best.
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^ Don't cut yourself off completely from her, give her room, as that's what she wants. But while she's over there, I think you should give her a call and just let her know that when she comes back there's gonna be changes made to your work/life balance.

No one here knows her better than you, and no one on these boards can forecast whether this relationship is about to end except you. 5 years, I'll be the optimist and say that you guys can work through this. There's no good or bad guy in this dilemma, it's just something she wasn't vocal about and you weren't fully aware of.

Good luck

I've had a lot of experience with this.

Been in your situation and had times where I made the right choice and the wrong choice.

Right now there are actually two problems. There is the immediate problem that you want to fix which is the girl has left, you don't want her to leave, so your first thought is "Must get back the girl."

She's taken control and you feel out of control. This means change is forced on you and people don't like change in general. Things like relationships are very emotional for both men and women and a huge change means uncertainty and that uncertainty makes us feel scared.

Because of this, all you can think about is putting things back to the way they were.

The REAL problem that you need to address is the fact that someone is fucking around with your head. Yes, she might have a legitimate region to break up. Even if you don't think it is, all that matters is that it is to her.

Don't give her the control. You are a person with worth as well. If you didn't treat her poorly or do anything that was bad (don't be too hard on yourself here), then you need to put your value on a high level.

Tell her you're very sorry she feels this way and you would like to work things out TOGETHER however if she wants to go, tell her that's okay with you since you would never want her to stay somewhere that she doesn't want to be on her own.

Don't be a jerk but be firm. Don't give her the chance to put the control on you. I know a lot of women that have pulled this shit just before things became very serious (like marriage) because they wanted to test the guy to see what they can get away with.

If you are treating someone you love like that, then that's not cool at all. Remember, as men get older, they usually get more money and can get more women.

As women get older, they get wore out and have to settle for whatever isn't available.

Give her all the space in the world, and if she wants to come back into her life, make her work for it.

While this is hard to stomach right now, especially since all you'd ideally want is to get back together, remember what you want is the RIGHT person, not the person that's there right now due to convenience.

I'm one of those 'nice guys' that learned that you can be nice while being strong. In the end, you will end up with someone that will respect you, not play games, and be by your side. After all, that's what really counts.

im think she is just scared to move to the next step in the relationship.
Living together is the serious make it or break it in a relationship.
she just wants to be sure before she takes the next step....

Jameswift's post= /thread
Posted via RS Mobile

QFT

So I was over at my boss' place yesterday helping him with some house stuff ( he just bought a new place).

She calls me telling me that the building manager of the place is trying to get her to pay for the first months rent. So I get the joy of calling the building manager and explaining to him that we did not sign anything, we never rented the apartment. We put a deposit down to hold the place for us. Nothing more.

After this I just told her I would take care of it (it is in my name after all). She then txted me for a bit, which I found weird as she has not been talking to me on her own for a while now. Am I reading to much into that? Is it s good thing that she was trying to talk to me even if it was about useless stuff.

jameswift, I agree with you and I think that if it has any chance of working then it is something that we would need to work on together. Its not all my fault, I know that for sure.

Here is my problem for today. It is/was/would have been our 5 year anniversary today. Should I leave her be and see if she contacts me to say anything today? Should I contact her some how? If I do contact her what would I say?
Its 2:20am and I cant get a wink of sleep here. Mind is going a mile a minute thinking about what to do. :(

hey I don't want to give you any wrong advise but I do want to say is hang in there. 5 years is a long time in a relationship to have invested in to let go so easily. Women sometimes do get pretty crazy and do things that don't make sense because hormones are hard to control sometimes. You can leave her a message for the morning to let her know you miss her or something. Of course it will be better when she returns and you guys can have a talk.
I have to admit I do some crazy things in my relationship of 4 years but in the end we still love each other.
Like you said she has been under a lot of stress, so maybe that caused something for her to think she doesn't want to be with you.
If she still loves you, she would also be missing you as well. You both should have a good talk. Good luck man.

^ This is probably what brought it to the fore. She has more stress then she can handle and is cutting at what she CAN cut at.

ALSO, I've had 2 relationships collapse at the 5 year mark. What I learned from this? If you aren't married/lifelongcommittedinwhateverwayyouchoose after half a decade there's probably something fundimentally wrong with the relationship and it's not "the one".

i also suggest giving each other space, in fact, let her come to u

i think you're a mature dude and i'm happy for you that you have a decent career. While we can forget about you having to worry about money, my main question for you is. what are HER plans, yes this is a great 5 years for you two in a relationship, you have a decent career, you have an apartment, seems like a great progression. All of YOUR pieces are falling into place, but the question is, what does SHE want.

reason I ask you this; she's wealthy, she is in school? and she has family in US. Have you ever had plans for her to visit her parents and have yo had any huge 3 or 5 years plans and goals between the both of you.

Loving what you do is great, but man, you're a huge loser for being 60-70 hrs into your job, it just shows money and balance are needed in your life.

don't blame yourself and don't leave the ball in her court, ask her what she wants, heck, maybe she wants a great vacation, maybe she wants to spend 4 months back home, maybe she's MISSING something in her life. this might be the big issue here.

what would it take to change your mind, baby :drool

Yes, she has been under A LOT of stress with her finals and what not. And she works hard at everything she does so I understand the stress.
As for being fundamentally wrong, well we were young when we started dating and I didn't want to rush into things. I don't think there is anything wrong with being together for some time before you get married. In fact my boss is getting married with his gf of 12 years in November of next year.

I hope that she comes around but I cant and don't want to force her into a relationship she truly does not want to be in.

That is the plan as it sits now. She said she is going away until the 30th of December and will figure everything out. She has been away from her family for 2 years (well that part of her family).

As for her plans, she is currently in school for cosmetology/special effects/make-up and wants to explore that avenue. She has some in's in the movie industry as well as fashion and she wants to see how she likes that and I support her fully in that.
I know she does not make a lot of money right now and I know she wants to do things for herself and I understand that as I was much the same. I hate to ask for help but to be honest its a great feeling knowing that people want to help.
I agree fully with the work thing. I have been cutting back significantly because it's not an issue of money anymore and I don't need to work so hard. It is just my nature, I work my ass off just because I expect a lot from myself.
I have thought about the missing things from her life. I know she has wanted to see her family for a while and I was planning a surprise trip down there this winter. As for the vacations we have been talking about that and we wanted to do something but she wanted it to be after she is finished school because she cant afford to take time away right now. I had a trip to Thailand and have been hinting at it for some time.
I have asked her what she feels is missing or where we went wrong but she dosent want to talk about it right now because she becomes very upset. I told her to take the time apart and figure out what she wants out of this and how we can make things work.
I don't know how to switch things towards me. I'm not sure how to take control of the situation. She wants time apart to think and find out what she wants from this. How do I step in and take control without forcing her to do something?

I'm doing the best I can to keep busy (aside from work that is). Just got a membership to the gym again and will be working out a lot more. I have been talking to some friend and we are looking at going to the shooting range this coming weekend. I haven't done that in a year or so now and I really enjoy it.
I messaged back and forth with her yesterday, just seeing how things were and told her that I missed her. She just had her big final and she thinks things went well.
I hope we get to talk soon, either when she is away or when she gets back. I know we have a lot to talk about if this is going to work and I wont ignore that if she wants to make things work.
Appreciate the kind wishes :D

While your mind is going a mile a minute, pause for a sec and read a book called 'The 5 Love Languages'. Despite sounding like the cheesiest title on the face of the earth, it's an easy read, and it is the most applicable thing I've ever read on relationships.
I guarantee that it'll give you, at the very least, a great insight on what happened or is happening to your relationship. I would lend you my copy if it wasn't already lent out to a friend.

+1000000

This is an amazing book. And useful for dealing with pretty much everyone in your life but mainly your partner.

I will have to see if I can find this one at Chapters tonight. Give it a read while I'm at the gym or something.

edit: cant seem to find this at Chapters. Any idea where I can pick up a copy? I want to get this ASAP.

^online?
http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/...?cookieCheck=1

pretty cheap if you are a member.
if not give me a pm

That's awesome. I looked at Chapters but just couldn't find it :D Found one for teens and one for children and one for men.
There is one at the local Chapters near me. I will have to swing by and pick it up when I go to the gym tonight.

Thanks so much K2 :D

Picked up this book tonight and will be reading it till I pass out :P

Thanks for the recommendation.

Awesome. It's a really interesting concept and works fantastically well. Once you understand what "language" people speak and identify your own "language" it really helps you work within your relationships.

You're in an emotional state and that's understandable. However, emotions affect judgement. Has she said shes ending totally? No. Did she say she's going to stay with you? No. She asked for some time and space to get her thoughts together. Respect the relationship by giving her that. You have no control over her and she will make whatever decision she feels is right - wheather you agree with it or not. Take the time you need as well, clear your mind, don't dwell on it (i know it'll be hard) occupy your time with your buds etc. dont sign into facebook and make going to her profile the first thing you do, contrary i would suggest removing her from your news feed so you don't have the 'reminder' of her. I'm sure she is going though an emotional roller coaster as well, let some dust settle